Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I was twelve. I had a friend by the name of Eddy Kelly, who lived across the street. He was thirteen, so he knew all about girls. He said, “Girls like guys with big muscles.” So I started doing pushups. Big time. I figured I wouldn’t have to be just another sock in the Laundromat of life…if I had big muscles, I could be a serious chick magnet. But as my muscles grew…so did my realization that the only girls who were attracted to muscle magnets were the kind of girls who smiled at you with steel teeth.Â
I got pretty heavily into doing push ups, even though I hate doing them. Everybody does. You never see a guy doing pushups with a smile on his face. But I’ve been at it since I was twelve, so I got pretty good at pumping floor. I used to be able to do about 120 at a time when I was in college. Obviously, as a Louie-Louie Generation guy, I must admit that it has been a while since graduation day.
I used to challenge guys to one arm pushup contests. I could always count on being able to do around thirty of them… until a few months ago…when our next door neighbor Bernadette and her 6 year old daughter Emily were visiting, and Emily was doing cartwheels in the living room…so I said, Hey Emmy, wanna see some one arm pushups? She said sure. So I got down on Mr. Floor and pushed…and nothing happened. Mr. Floor stayed right where he was. And Bernadette and Emily and Wonder Wench were all standing there with their hands on their hips, rolling their eyes, and looking at me like…what are you doing down there on the floor?
The best thing you can do in a circumstance like that is to remember what Big Louie, his own bad self, tells us Louie-Louie Generation guys: “You can always grab a grin to win.” I think he means if you suddenly find you can’t do one arm pushups anymore…and there are ladies present…remember to laugh at yourself. By the way, laughing is a good exercise if you do it hard enough. It’s like jogging inside.
There have been times when I was very glad I did all those pushups. Yesterday, for example. I have been called upon to be a groomsman for my buddy, Geoff. Usually that’s something young guys do. But this is the second time around for Geoff…like it is for lots of Louie-Louie Generation Guys and Dolls these days…so along with the wedding cake, there will be wrinkles, walkers and oxygen bottles at the reception. Geoff stands about 6ft. 7inches tall and weighs in at around 350. I call Geoff Tinker Bell…which I can get away with because I used to do a lot of pushups… but mostly because I’m a lot faster than he is.
He is justifiably proud of his Scotch heritage, and has on many formal occasions been known to wear a kilt featuring the Family tartan. That is a sight for only the strongest amongst you.
Since I will be accompanying him in the wedding party, I thought my gold lame loin cloth and purple ostrich feather would add a festive touch, and it would be a good contrast to the usual drab black tuxedos. Or, at least I figured it would be a nifty occasion to wear my plaid jacket that I haven’t worn since high school.
For some obscure female reasons, my Lady Wonder Wench and Geoff’s Lady Joann disagreed. So yesterday, I had to go rent a drab black tux to do whatever it is a groomsman does at a wedding.
Lena is the name of the attractive young lady at the tux store. She carefully took my measurements…a process which I will admit I enjoyed quite a bit…especially the in-seam part…and she had me try on a jacket, which fit nicely on my shoulders but which had enough room in the belly part for another groomsman…or preferably one of the bridesmaids. I said, “What can you do about that?” She said, “We can move some of the buttons, I guess. Our jackets are made to fit most guys your age who have pot bellies.” I cringed at the “guys your age” line…but then she smiled and said …”but you have the body of a 25 year old.” YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS UP. Well, you can, but nobody would believe it.
I grabbed Lena by the hand and dragged her across the store to where my Lady Wonder Wench was sitting, and I said…”Please…I beg you…tell her what you just said.” Lena giggled…and she said, “I told him we could move the buttons.” I said, “Don’t trifle with me…this collar around my ankle could go off at any minute.” So she giggled again and she told W. Wench about my 25 year old body. I was triumphant. Of course, Wonder Wench immediately put it into proper perspective. She said, “Right. A 25 year old’s body with a 4 year old’s mind.” And every woman in the store laughed, applauded, stood up and did the wave.
“Watch this space,” because I shall report on the wedding and the festivities involved, in some detail, in the near future.
Dick’s Details Quiz – All the answers are in the current PodCast at www.DickSummer.com
1- How can we use artificial turf to protect our borders?
2- Why is George Clooney a total failure?
3- Why are sharks so ticked off at humans?
Scoring:
3 – right – Bride/Groom
2 – right – Bride’s Maid/Groomsman
1- right – Caterer
0 – right – Former boyfriend/girlfriend
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Big Louie…his own bad self…has a Valentine’s Day suggestion. It won’t cost much, and it could make somebody feel like 25 again…at least for a few minutes. Pick out somebody who probably won’t get a Valentine’s Day card this year. Maybe somebody who lost a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. Just send a card and sign it “From a secret admirer.” It would be a Louie-Louie kind of thing to do. And please let me know what happens when you do it. My Email is Dick@DickSummer.com
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