Archive for February, 2011

A Confusion Transfusion

Saturday, February 26th, 2011

I am sitting here in utter confusion. Actually, I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather pappa chair in my living room…but I can’t figure this out. I call the podcast that goes with this blog, Goodnight, because I thought some folks might like a few comfortable stories and a little fun just before they go to sleep. Confusion not only reigns, it pours. Because I just looked at the computer counter for the Goodnight podcast, and what time do you think most people listen to this podcast ?  Right. 8 AM. How did you figure that out ? Maybe you’re one of the people who does that. Is it because from the perspective of midnight, 8AM is very late…and you just like to stay up very, very late. 

 Ok…if you got that right…try this one. If a guy is condemned to death, and he has a choice of three ways to go. The first is being locked in a room that’s on fire. The second way is to be tied up in a room full of guys who want to kill him. The third is to be trapped in a room full of lions that haven’t eaten in three years. What’s his best choice to maybe avoid getting killed. Ha. I got that one right. I’ll tell you the answer in a few minutes.

 How about this one: Name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday.

 Or try this one on for size: A woman shoots her husband, then holds him under water for over five minutes, and finally hangs him. Then they go out together and have a wonderful dinner. Explain that one. Go ahead. I figured it out. I’ll give you a few minutes to work on it, and I’ll tell you the answer in a few minutes. But I have no idea why anybody would want to listen to a Goodnight podcast at 8 am.

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

 1- Why will there never be a National League baseball team in Greece ?

2- Where should married people go to find hot dates ?

3- Why don’t elephants and earthquakes mix ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 Confusion. I’m having a confusion contusion. I am not dumb. I know enough to never eat in restaurants where the food has fingerprints in it. I understand that the Kentucky Derby has nothing to do with Col. Sander’s hat. I understand singing in the sunshine, and crying at night. But I cannot understand how anybody would listen to a podcast called Goodnight at 8AM.

 As far as the guy looking for the best way to stay alive with a choice of the room on fire, the room full of killers or the room full of lions who haven’t eaten in 3 years, I figure the best bet would be to hang out with the lions. Because if they haven’t eaten in three years, they’d be dead.

 I understand these things. You probably figured out the three consecutive days, that aren’t Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Those three days would be yesterday, today and tomorrow. But why the heck are you people listening to this Goodnight podcast at 8 AM ?

 This is not just the illusion of confusion. It’s the real thing. One of the stories in the lovin touch personal audio cd is called “Who Are You.” It’s about the first time my Lady Wonder Wench walked into the room…and the paint blistered off the wall. She turned me into a one man gland without even trying. It wasn’t what she was wearing…or what she wasn’t wearing. It was…her. She wasn’t trying to be sexy, or beautiful, or…anything. She was just being herself. She was amazing…and confusing. I had to try to figure her out.

 She wasn’t trying to be sexy, or smart…she just couldn’t help herself. I knew if I didn’t get her body off my mind for just a moment, my fillings would melt. And the strangest part of all this was that it wasn’t her stretchy sweater, or her long, lovely legs…or that soft, shining light brown hair…all the…really outstanding…pretty lady things that were standing there right in front of me. It was her eyes. They turned the whole room sky blue. They were so open, and deep…she was showing me something I had never seen before. Something proud, and sure, and nakedly…female…woman was shining there. I had never seen anything like that before. It was like her eyes were saying “If you have a little love left over, I’d like to be your girlfriend.” Not just somebody’s girlfriend…she wanted to be MY girlfriend. Right away. Instantly. I felt like I was getting hit with some kind of a toe wiggling, hair mussing, warm sunshine wind…right in the middle of December.

 She didn’t stop to figure anything out. And there was plenty to figure out when we first met. She’s like that. She didn’t say a word. She just smiled. That’s who she is. She’s comfortable. She likes being…who she is.

 “Who Are You” is from the lovin touch personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the icon on the home page.

 Lest I personally commit a confusion transfusion, let me give you the answer to the question about the woman who shot her husband, drowned him, then went out with him. She shot him with her camera…it was a film camera. Then she developed the film. She was a Louie-Louie Generation lady. Pimple people who take pictures with their phones wouldn’t know about that.

 So…Thanks to those of you who are proud podcast participants for listening to Good night…at any time. Even 8 Am. But…why do you do that ?

Wonder Wench Writes

Thursday, February 24th, 2011

When you are a member of the Louie-Louie Generation, it wasn’t easy to be the same as everyone else when you were growing up.  You know … they all wear penny loafers but your mom won’t let you.  Oh, you have loafers, but they’re PINK and they don’t match anyone else’s.  So although you’re a member of that generation … you know all the songs and great singers and those dances (hmmmm) … you are not OF that group.  You are different.

 Don’t get me wrong … I have always been different.  And I intend to keep at least one voice just for my Dick.  But as Big Louie says, ya gotta live.  And that means being part of a group, even if only a minor part.  You can join all those other Louie-Louie Generation Lads and Lasses and do all the “right” stuff when you’re at work or at the mall or even in traffic trying to avoid those pimple people driving SUVs while on the cell phone.  But you still have to be you.

 There’s a song called “Try to Remember” … a lovely piece of music.  Knowing and remembering what happened before makes what happens today work.  All those memories, good and bad, make up what we are.  Don’t forget the bad memories, but don’t LIVE them either.  Put them to work for you.  Hold them inside if you have to, but for Pete’s sake, let them out once in awhile to take part in your life.  Use them.  Don’t let them use you. 

 Like “Pete” … a nice guy by that name who lived in Montana asked me to marry him, but I was already in love with Dick.  So I said no … and have never regretted that flash of intelligence.  I remember Montana and smile a little.  But I do not remember what Pete looked like.  Don’t need to.  I have all those voices and all those memories to play with.

Is There Anybody There ?

Saturday, February 19th, 2011

I just got a call from my friend Charles the lawyer. He said, “I didn’t know Lady Wonder Wench could sound so ticked off.” She’s in a new tv commercial and it really took him by surprise. In the commercial, she says “Hello, is anybody there?” And she says it in her “What – is – the – matter – with – you” voice.” Which is exactly how I wanted her to sound for the commercial. She nailed it on the first take.

 Fortunately for all concerned, and especially for me, that certainly isn’t her only voice. Louie-Louie Ladies have different voices for the different things they have to do. And they have to do a lot of things. You’ve heard how quickly a Louie-Louie Lady’s voice can change…when she’s really letting you have it…she’s really laying into you with something like “and if you don’t stop leaving your dirty socks hanging on the living room lamp, I’m going to…” and zap…the phone rings…and all of a sudden, she’s saying, “Helllooo.” She goes from warp drive to reverse without stopping at neutral.

 My Lady Wonder Wench has all the usual Louie-Louie-Lady voices…the “mommie voice,” the “honey – do voice,” the “dealing with the telemarketer voice”…the, “for your own safety please stay behind the line I have drawn around my supply of chocolate” voice…all the usual voices. But she has one other voice that only I get to hear. I call it her “I’m your girlfriend voice.” It creates serious disturbances all the way from my limbic system to my viagral parts. In case you slept through brain surgery school, your limbic system is the part of the brain that pumps a guy’s pipes when someone like my Lady Wonder Wench shows up in serious girl friend mode. 

 One of the things that has always fascinated me about her is that she has so many different modes. When Lady Wonder Wench and I are alone, I am always completely out numbered. I never know exactly what to expect from her. She said that until she met me, and I rescued her from her humdrum life…that was so distressingly full of hunky young guys at ski resorts, and rich wretches with fancy cars and boats, she says she actually felt like she was no-body’s “type.”

 That’s a strange word to apply to a person. “Type.” You see it on the internet dating sites, you hear it on daytime TV talk shows, and it’s in the woman’s magazines all the time. “He’s not the marrying type.” Or, “She’s the mommy type.”

Some people seem to enjoy being somebody else’s type. It seems to me that if you try to fit into some kind of “type,” you’re just fitting in to somebody else’s idea of what you should be. Don’t do that. You’re not a “WHAT”…you’re a WHO.

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All the answers are in the current podcast.

 1-      Why might there be a sudden spike in headaches for Tokyo women this weekend.

2-      What parade did the television networks censor ?

3-      Why can cholesterol medication leave you in seriously bad shapes ?

 Dick’s details. They take your mind off your mind.

 Louie-Louie Generation lads and ladies have been around for a while. We have a lot of our lives in our rear view mirrors. But we are determined to keep some twinkles in our wrinkles. We’ve learned that nobody is born smiling. Being happy is a learning process. And one thing we have learned is that you’re never too old to have fun as long as you have any moving parts left.

 If you still have some moving parts, but they seem stuck lately, it’s time to take a shot at locking and loading your Louie-Louie life. Big Louie says Step number one is…just stand up straight. We tend to slouch, when we’re feeling down. That’s one of the reasons you say…”I’m feeling down.” You ARE down. Check it out in a mirror. You’ll get a real shot of sass going for you by just standing up straight, holding your head up, racking your shoulders back…and walking like you own the place. It’s weird. People will immediately look at you differently. They’ll make room for you in a crowded place. You guys will get girls. And back around the other way. Just standing up…will make you stand out. It’s amazing. Give it a shot next time you’re feeling down. The price is right.

 There’s a lot of stuff that can weigh you down going around right now. I was thinking about that as I listened to my Lady Wonder Wench saying…”Hello is there anybody there?” Sometimes you wonder if anybody notices, or cares that you’re around. That’s the kind of thing that causes burn out…it can tie up your parts so they can’t move…if you let it. So don’t. There’s a reminder about that in the Lovin Touch personal audio cd, and in the current podcast. It’s called, You Shine.

 The point is, are we thoughtless, jobless, nasty, love starved, filthy, tasteless, sick, silly scum ? Of course we are. But that’s not all we are. There’s part of us… part of all of us…that shines. You Shine is from the Lovin Touch personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the lovin touch icon on the home page.

 You’ve got to work with what you’ve got…even if it’s not the ideal choice. As Big Louie, his own bad self always says, “It’s better to argue about money while you’re lying naked in bed than it is to argue about sex while you’re standing in line at the bank.” It’s like if life gives you lemons, you can always make furniture polish. It’s weird. It’s like you can kill people with great enthusiasm on TV, but you’ve got to dial back the enthusiasm when you kiss people on TV.

 You’ve got to work with what you’ve got. So when you hear my Lady Wonder Wench’s  TV commercial, remember that’s only her, “What-is-the-matter-with-you” voice when she’s saying, “Is there anybody there ?” That one voice does not describe what type of woman she is. She is not a type. She is a person.  She has lots of other voices. Her “mommy” voice, her “Honey do” voice, her “Dealing with the telemarketer” voice. And of course her “I’m your girlfriend voice.” BUT…unfortunately for you, although I am not the jealous husband, killer, stomp on you type…because I am also a person…not a type…but sorry folks…you’re going to have to work with what you’ve got. And you are not going to hear her “I am your girlfriend” voice.

Because, that’s what I’ve got to work with.

Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

Big Louie, His Own Bad Self, and I are not the best of friends.  He knows I think he’s the world’s worst male chauvinist (he IS) and there are major times when I am the world’s worst FEmale chauvinist, which causes all sorts of mischief for a Louie-Louie Generation Lass.


But then comes Valentine’s Day … and Big Louie, “HOBS” becomes a big old mush.  He forgets to be a “guy” …


Dickie Baby follows the HOBS line pretty closely … but we went to the Farmhouse for dinner (sigh) and he got me an awfully pretty red pillow (which I ain’t gonna tell what I’ll do with it) … and we watched Casablanca … and …


Now I know Valentine’s Day is not a big deal to the pimple people.  But those of us who KNOW, are very aware of the delightful bits and pieces that make up that day.  And even HOBS gets all dreamy eyed and remembers …


It’s not just the giving of candy or a fancy dinner or jewelry (all of which is very nice); it’s the romance of being with a LLLad for more than 40 years and still getting goose-bumps when he smiles at me and holds out his hand and whispers … well, never mind that part … Didja ever smile a secret smile and remember… too?

A Louie-Louie Valentine’s Day

Saturday, February 12th, 2011

I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room looking forward to putting my remaining moving parts, and the warmest words I can find, to work in honor of Valentines’ Day.

 Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation always says, “You’re never too old to make out as long as you have any moving parts left.” The Pimple People don’t understand that. They would pop their piercings if they had any idea of how nicely Louie-Louie Generation Lads and Ladies can still move our remaining movable parts. And they don’t know any warm and wonderful words. I have ONE word for the Pimple People. And that one word is…”Ha.”

 Louie-Louie Lads and Ladies have seen a lot of images reflected in our rear view mirrors. Sometimes they’re fun. Sometimes they’re not. But smart Louie-Louie Lads and Ladies know better than to let those reflected images reach out and grab us back into the past. That would be dumb. And we know it’s even dumber to get stuck following other people’s images of what our lives should be like. Why should we live up to other people’s expectations” It’s use it or lose it.  That’s why those of us who still have some moving parts left…move em.

 There’s a history to Valentine’s Day. Seems there was a priest named Valentinuus who lost his head courtesy of Claudius the Cruel on February 14th in the year 269 A.D. Supposedly, Father V healed his jailer’s blind daughter, then fell in love with her. He left a note for her in his cell the night before his execution. The note said, “I love you. From your Valentine.”

 My Lady Wonder Wench and I have a Valentine’s Day history too. Every year we go to dinner and a movie. There’s a restaurant we like called the Farm House. It’s a big, old, renovated farm house. It has wide, polished oak floor boards, fastened with wood pegs…big fireplaces warming every room…and filling the air with the perfume of burning pine…we have a favorite table there…usually there’s a candle on it that puts a small flame at about the level of my Lady’s eyes…it’s an elegant reminder of the old legend that says, “If a woman lets a man look directly into her eyes for two whole minutes, she’ll be his in an hour.”

 The room is full of mostly Louie-Louie ladies and lads. And they’re paying attention to each other…talking with each other about memories, plans, passions, and dreams. It’s warm, quiet, graceful talk. You don’t hear individual conversations, but you can hear the smiling, soft murmur  of  the very personal voices that are purring all around the room. It’s really the sound of aural sex…right there in the restaurant. A U R A L sex. Words. Warm, wonderful words.

 Louie-Louie lads are good at carefully slipping warm words into our lady’s erogenous zones. And Louie-Louie Ladies love wrapping themselves around the warmth. The Pimple People don’t know anything about aural erogenous zones. They don’t understand that either erogenous zones are everywhere, or they’re nowhere. They would be shocked to find that there is any…actual… life…left for people who remember Johnny Carson, hula hoops, and Louie-Louie…oh yeah…we gotta go. 

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-    What is the Lorena Bobbit syndrome ?

2-    How do the smart guys explain what humans have been doing for the past few years ?

3-    What’s the smelliest research of the decade ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Dinner and a movie…that’s the Valentine’s Day tradition with my Lady Wonder Wench and me. I told you about the dinner. The movie is an oldie but goodie. Bogart and Bergman in Casablanca. It was made more than sixty years ago. World War 2 was exploding. People were scared. Movies were in black and white. 

 Miss Ingrid Bergman was arguably the most beautiful young woman in the world at the time. Mr. Humphrey Bogart was kind of a lumpy looking guy with a funny name, big ears, and a trace of a lisp that he got when some guy gave him a fat lip in a real life fight. But Bogart knew the power of aural sex. Words. He didn’t try to impress Bergman with his money, or his fancy car, or his stud-hood. He simply lifted a glass of Champaign, looked at her very carefully, smiled, and said, “Here’s looking at you kid.” And suddenly the screen was full of her eyes. He made their story all about her. And she made him the hero of their story. The power of aural sex. Warm words.

There’s a story in the Bedtime Stories personal audio cd, and in the current podcast, about a woman who…as they say…wasn’t getting any. Aural sex. Warm words. It’s called Mr. Small Talk.

 He saw her…that pilot. He saw the…female way she walked…the changing color of her eyes…and he felt her warm…curiosity… about him. And…the touch of her hand on his back…turned his words into simple sounds…grunts…the most primitive…primal kind of Aural sex. It was an astounding example of evolution in reverse.

 Mr. Small Talk is in the Bedtime Stories personal audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Bedtime Stories icon on the home page.

 Valentine’s day is one of my favorite days. As Big Louie says, you’re never too old to make out as long as you have any moving  parts left. And I do.

 I like Valentine’s day. You get to tell somebody, “I love you,” or at least, “I like you.” It means baseball’s Spring Training is about to start. And it’s a day when the thought really is more important than the gift. In fact, I have found that if you can get the right kind of thought going, Louie-Louie Generation ladies like my Lady Wonder Wench generally really get into the spirit giving…so to speak. And if you are a Louie-Louie Lad like I am you will certainly put to good use the power of warm words…aural sex…and of course you will follow Big Louie’s advice having to do with any of your remaining moving parts. If you’ve got em…move em.

Lady Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, February 9th, 2011

First let me say how proud of all you Louie-Louie lads and lasses I am.  We always take care of our own the best we can and you, Don, are one of ours.

 Second, the answer is NO –NO – NO !!!

 Don’t get me wrong.  I am not an advocate of “no hair, no love” … Isaac Hayes was one of the sexiest singers ever … man, that voice and that smile … And my friend Martha’s husband Daryl is also hairless; ex-navy and cute.  But, see, I know them without hair.  And Dickie Baby has always had the stuff.  So … in spite of Big Louie and his views on the world, I would much rather run my fingers through my lad’s hair than his scalp.  Oh, I know there’s grey in them thar hills (or valleys) but Dickie-Baby is so damned good looking just the way he is that I just can’t see the point. 

 Now our mailman shaves his head, but he says it’s still a pain.  And since “D.B.” uses his voice to stir up trouble in the world, what would he do if a bare head led to a bad throat?  Besides, he likes to tease Bill about his hairless state so what could he say if he joined the ranks of the un-haired?

 Obviously if DB decides to go ahead with his crazy notion, I will be a proper Louie-Louie Lass and just smile and say, “How int’resting …”  But I won’t like it …

A Top Of The Mind Temptation

Saturday, February 5th, 2011

I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room, scratching my head. My Lady Wonder Wench says I need a haircut…again. I just had one about a month ago. So…I’ve been seriously considering just shaving my head, and going boldly bald…like an eagle. It’s a temptation. A “top of the mind temptation.”

 I mention this to you although I realize that lack of public interest in my personal appearance has reached epidemic proportions. And the shave-head look is now so common that it gets about as much attention as a goose bump on Dolly Parton.

 The shiny bald look is very stylish these days on very masculine guys…linebackers, marines and astronauts. Women very seldom go bald. They also don’t spit, scratch, flatulate, or make rude noises with their hands and armpits…which is why they will probably never play major league baseball.  

 There are some obvious positives about shaving my head. Saves time and $20 haircuts. And it would add more rubbing area for when my Lady gives me a back rub…picture this…she can go all the way up my back, then all the way up my neck, across my head, and down my face…and chest…and…hey…you can never tell…I could get lucky.

 A couple of my buddies say when you have a perfectly good head of hair it would be stupid to shave it off. But Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation keeps whispering in my ear. He’s saying…”Big deal. You’re kind of famous for doing dumb things anyway. What’s one more.” Louie is what you might call a permissive chief mustard cutter. He says things like, “Just do the best you can under the circumstances.” Louie is a great chief mustard cutter, but he wouldn’t make it as a flight instructor.

 Actually I have done a lot of dumb things in my life. Maybe you have too. And maybe you have found, as I have, that when you do something really klutzy, you can sometimes get away with it by doing what cats do. When a cat does something really dumb, he just stops, shakes himself, and licks some part of his body for a while…gives you a bored look, and slinks away. Don’t do that licking part in public unless you really want to start a controversy. Cats don’t care what we think of them. And we can learn from that. As far as your cat is concerned you are put into this life mainly to open cans for him. 

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1- Why are those big cats called cheetahs ?

2- What would be an appropriate name for the moon ?

3- Who didn’t want to go down in history as a Tor looser ?

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 I was telling you about a bald back rub a little while ago. I really do love a good back rub. And I found a way to give somebody a backrub without ever actually touching, one evening while I was talking to my Lady Wonder Wench on the phone. I put it in the Quiet Hands Personal Audio Cd, and in the current podcast. I think one of the main reasons people come in pairs…is so we can give each other backrubs. If you like that audio back rub, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download  it from the Quiet Hands icon on the opening page. It’s not as good as a backrub from somebody beautiful, with long fingernails, a tender heart, and a warm smile…but it’s better than nothing.

 So what do you think? Should I give in to this top of the mind temptation and go boldly bald like an eagle ? I keep thinking I could have fun with it…I could paint a little smiley face on the back of my head and every time I tip my hat, somebody behind me would get a chuckle. I never got a crew cut back in the days. But I let it grow long in the sixties…and you should have seen my mustache…I was always trying to use it to brush my teeth without using my hands…but it never worked. My buddy Doug has long hair, a mustache and a beard. He looks like an arm pit. The helmet I wear riding my bike has a nice shiny top, and I think that looks pretty good. Of course it’s black and I’m not. I think shiny top black guys look much better than shiny top white guys. They look like Darth Vader. We look like mushrooms.

 I kind of like the Buddhist monk look. They always seem all holy, and smiling, and gentle…but they also always have this attitude like…give me a hard time, and I’ll fold my hands in prayer while I kick your head off with one foot. It’s like, listen fella, I’m a nice guy, but under my jeans, I’m wearing boxer shorts…and I know how to use them.

 What do you think ? Should I do it ? Or should I just do what my Lady Wonder Wench wants me to do…get another $20 haircut. Send me an email.


Oh…and if you are a shiny top, is it true that you have to be careful that your head doesn’t slip off the pillow at night ?

Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

There are some things a Louie-Louie Lad can do to your emotions that are very difficult to put into words … for me, anyway … DC9s, for instance, in the midst of Dick’s lovin’ touch story about ,“Winter” … and a reminder that I once said “like popcorn in the sun”…(It’s in the podcast this week.)

 But then a daughter by marriage who has become … a true piece of my heart … does something as simple as sending flowers “just because” and the world turns into rainbows.

 She calls to be sure we are both okay and then insists I tell her truly how I am doing so she can smile with her voice and then laugh with me at her father’s antics.  She’s the one who came when I was in the hospital and kept her father sane.   Brought Wes with her and held my hands and smiled at me (although I don’t remember) and thought it was a big joke when I apparently woke up enough to say to poor Wes, “Who the hell are you?”

 She cares about all her siblings and does her best to help each and every one whenever they need her.  She traveled 300 miles with little funds because a brother was sick and then defied the hospital NOT to take him.  (He had no insurance, but they took him.)

 As a talented and successful artist, she works hard to be sure people have the right colors and the right accessories for what they want … and then casually paints a picture of the sea on our wall for me to marvel at how wonderful her talent really is.  She just DOES it!

 But she calls ME to see how I am.  She calls ME when she doesn’t feel good.  She calls ME to ask about a dentist … to find out what to do about … she calls me, and I am so honored that she cares that I could stand on a rooftop and shout at the entire world, “This is my daughter!”

 There are some things that are hard to put into words. So just…thank you, Kris