Archive for November, 2013

A Raggedy Ann Christmas

Saturday, November 30th, 2013

Sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room reading some of your Christmas story emails, is beginning to make me feel like one of those department store Santas. Here’s one from Proud Podcast Participant Ellen F. Part of the note says, “I live in Manhattan, and watching the magic of Christmas unfold is about my favorite thing. I especially love taking my children to see and enjoy the Rock Center Christmas tree.” That twanged a memory nerve in me. I worked at NBC Radio for years, and every Christmas season, I walked right under that tree to the station which is in the RCA building, right next to the tree. Some nights, my Lady Wonder Wench came to the station with me.

My Lady and I are Louie Louie Generation folks. We’ve been around for a while. But walking under that tree was always like walking into a magic forest where a little furry squirrel grabs a peanut, looks up, and sounding like a chipmunk named Alvin, wishes us a Merry Christmas, and a tough New York pigeon sings a song about a one horse open sleigh…with a very noticeable New York accent. I loved watching my Lady turn into a lovely little girl again… hoping Santa will bring her a Raggedy Ann doll.

My cousin Damien is a priest. He’s stationed at St. Patrick’s Cathedral which is right across the street from the Rock Center tree. Father Damien is obviously a very religious guy. But around this time of year, I always remind him of the year he got a Lionel train set for Christmas. My train set was bigger than his, but he had some track switches on his and mine didn’t. I have confessed to Father Damien that I kind of envied his switches all those years ago, because they came with some extra buttons on the transformer …and the buttons lit up…and I’ve always liked pushing buttons and watching things light up. That’s the best thing about my car. It has a button on the key chain…you push the button and the lights turn on. I love that.

But I never wanted to swap my train set for Damien’s, because my train set had a tunnel that my grandfather made for me, and his didn’t. He also didn’t have my grandfather. My grandfather was a jolly old elf and his grandfather was a lawyer. It’s funny. Every year we talk about our train sets. “My train set was better than your train set.” And for a little while, we’re two little kids again. Two little grey haired kids.

Christmas is a celebration of Christ’s birthday of course. But it’s really about much more than that. There’s a good reason why Jingle Bells is the number one song on the radio these days. Jingle Bells is a song about people caring about each other and having fun together. There’s a whole chapter about Jingle Bells and Christmas in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. That’s obviously a plug for the book which is available at but it’s more than that. I really care about Christmas. And I think most of you do too. That’s why I’d appreciate it if you’d take a couple of minutes to send me an email and tell me how you feel about Christmas. . My email address is . I’ll be posting lots of your notes on the blog at  . It doesn’t need to be a big complicated note. Just make it real. Make it honest. Like Christmas.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-   What do you call a group of chess fanatics bragging about their games in a hotel lobby ?

2-   What does “Christmas” mean in Georgia ?

3-   What’s a “Christmas Card” to a CB radio person ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

In my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, Big Louie his own bad self, always says, “If you still have any moving parts left, for heaven sake, move ‘em.” Christmas isn’t all about singing fa la la la la…in fact you might want to be careful about singing that in some neighborhoods while you are wearing your gay attire. Sometimes when you look back at Christmases past, you see something more than train sets. There are ghosts in most of our Christmases past. Memories of times when maybe you should have moved your moving parts… and didn’t. There’s a story about that in the Bedtime Stories Personal Audio CD. It’s called “The Prince of Fantasy.”

There was a Christmas a long time ago, when there was a giant, empty space inside me that desperately needed to be filled. I took a chance. I took one more walk in Prince Fantasy’s park…and she was there…waiting. I was amazed. I thought she’d be gone. But she took a chance too…waiting all that time…to fill that empty space that needed to be filled…with a Christmas kiss.

If you like “The Prince of Fantasy” you can just keep this podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, check out the Bedtime Stories icon on the home page.

The Rock Center tree is a tradition that got started in 1931. It was the height of the great depression. Rock Center was part of the effort to get people back to work. So on Christmas Eve 1931, the guys who were lucky enough to have the job of building Rock Center celebrated by putting up a little Charley Brown kind of tree. And New Yorkers never looked back, and they’ll never stop looking up to the star on top.

And I’ll never forget walking hand in hand with my Lady, under that tree, and watching her turn back into that little girl…who was hoping Santa might bring her a Raggedy Ann doll. It took some help from the Salvation Army…all those years ago…but Santa came through. And that same Raggedy Ann doll will be smiling up from under our tree again this year…one more time.

Wonder Wench Writes (with a little help from her friend.)

Thursday, November 28th, 2013

Let me explain: There is a turkey out in the back yard pleading for his life. But he’s saying the wrong thing. “Gobble, Gobble” is exactly what I intend to do. Happy Thanksgiving to all those of you who are not turkeys. Just in time for the holiday, my Lady Wonder Wench has come down with a forty pound bug of some kind. That’s why she wrote this:

There are times when this Louie Louie Lass knows very well that Big Louie, his own bad self is just waiting for her (me) to tear apart the latest podcast  offered for the edification (there, now I’ve got the big word out of my system) of all you other Louie Louie wonders. Sorry, not gonna happen this time. 

THIS Louie Louie Lass is going to take her cold and whatever else is available to the room where that white hat is waiting – and maybe the Story Man will really have a story to tell … 

… pardon me while I sneeze …


Wednesday, November 27th, 2013

Some super fine Christmas memory stories coming in. I’ll be posting some of them here starting in a few days. Email is Would love to hear from  you. Here’s a fine example from Proud Podcast Participant Ellen F:

Happy Thanksgiving! Merry Christmas! Hope for a Happy Healthy New Year to you
and yours! Will dig deep to find those Christmas memories to share. I will say
living in Manhattan and watching the magic of Christmas unfold is among my
favorite. Watching my children grow up and enjoy the Rockefeller Center
Christmas tree, City pond skating in Bryant Park, St Patrick’s Cathedral,
shopping at Lord and Taylor on Fifth ave, Macy’s and the Holiday shops at Grand
Central Station and Bryant Park! Just looking at all the holiday windows is
Finally, feeling good about “giving back” thru charity events at my
children’s schools (both Loyola HS and Fordham University) and the annual coat
drive of NYCares.
Most important…remember to make your memories!


Tuesday, November 26th, 2013

There are lots of stories about Christmas in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. Christmas is one of the few religious holidays that successfully mixes “Happy” with “Holy.” Most “Holy” days mark the rememberance of overcoming some terrible strife. Christmas is just happy. And it’s full of great music, good food, and fun. What’s not to like? But individual Christmas memories are quite a mix. And I love to put them up here on our blog and in our podcasts.

I’m looking for your personal Christmas memories, or plans. These stories don’t have to be fancy. Just personal, honest, and real.

Please send them to or

And thanks.


Monday, November 25th, 2013

Thomas Edison proposed to his second wife in Morse code. I wonder if her name was Dottie. Bet he dashed right over to see her. Check out

Mr. Story Man & My Lady Wonder Wench

Saturday, November 23rd, 2013

It’s almost time for “Mr. Story Man” to arrive. He’s kind of a magic guy. He shows up here every night, dressed in a white fedora hat, wearing a bathrobe that says “Wiz” on the left side, and wearing crazy Caribbean bedroom slippers. My Lady Wonder Wench lets him help her get undressed for bed. I sometimes actually envy him while I’m just sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair. I wish I could get my Lady Wonder wench to think I’m as interesting and sexy as she admits he is when he takes her back to “Once upon a time” with his stories. He only stays for about ten minutes most nights. But those are the ten minutes just before she goes to sleep…the ten minutes before she starts to dream…about once upon a time. And she spends those ten minutes with him.

I spend a lot of my days trying to compete with Mr. Story Man. That’s one of the main reasons I wrote the stories in my new book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. I’ve got to give Mr. Story Man some competition for her attention. As Big Louie always says in the book, “Paying close attention to each other is one of the sexiest things a man and woman can do.” And they pay intense attention to each other when she lets him help her get undressed for bed.

Stories melt into your mind. They become part of the power of who you are. Stephen Speilberg is a terrific story teller. The Bible says Christ was too. Winston Churchill and Adolph Hitler used powerful stories to control their people. Power is sexy. A powerful story makes the listener’s heart pound and sweat. Just like sex. That means stories are sexy. Even ones that aren’t about sex. Check out what happens to your heart when I tell you this story from my book. It’s a true story about a clipping I found tucked away in some boxes I hadn’t opened in 20 years. It’s a small, yellowed paper clipping from a Cleveland newspaper dated July 23, 1982. It says, and I quote, “Eleven-year-old Amy Burnett of Burton Ohio placed first in the recent Rainbow Babies and Children’s Hospital art contest. She received a five-dollar gift certificate for ice cream. Her design was picked from among sixty entries received, and was printed on 74,000 greeting cards to be used to raise money for the hospital. ‘Hasn’t this been an exciting day,’ Amy murmured to her mother after the choice was announced. Amy died an hour later of cystic fibrosis, which she had suffered from since she was three.” Hasn’t this been an exciting day. How’s your heart doing?

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-   Why will no bison ever get hired by an NBA team?

2-   What’s wiping out Minnesota pedestrians?

3-   Why should Dot be the name of Thomas Edison’s second wife?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Some stories are sexier than others. There’s a story about a guy who was famous for chasing skirts all over the world. Then one day he got to Scotland, and boy was he surprised. Not sexy. Then there’s one about a girl who always dreamed about being a stay at home mom, till one day she woke up and realized the kids would be there too. Not sexy either. Then there’s the story about a gang of tough New York kids who supplemented their allowances by selling rides to their playmates in their mother’s clothes driers. Not in the least bit sexy.

I don’t know if the story in the current podcast is sexy or not. Maybe you’ll tell me. I didn’t mean it to be sexy when I told it. But you know how stories are. It’s called the Wizard Of Was. And she really did say that to me…my Lady. “Call me…whenever you need me. It’s never too late.” I did call again. I needed her. All of her. Badly. It was very late. But she was there…waiting for me. She has never said so, but I think I called just in time…for both of us.

That story is called the Wizard of Was. It’s from the Lovin Touch Personal Audio Cd. If you like it you can just keep the current podcast, or if you want a fresh copy, just check out the lovin touch icon on the home page.

This has been one of those distance days for my Lady Wonder Wench and me. Most people have them most days I guess. She went grocery shopping, and she made a great dinner. In between she did some house cleaning, talked to our daughter Kris, and her friends Vigi and Martha on the phone, and did some needlepoint. I wrote a new commercial for my main client, packed up the lawn tractor for the season, did some repairs on the lights outside, and took out the trash. It was a distance day for my lady and me. We did stuff for each other, but not with each other. A distance day. Everybody  has them, most days. Probably even Romeo and Juliet. Maybe even you.

But important “Once upon a time” treasures get buried and lost in distance days. And we shouldn’t let once upon a times get lost like that. Once upon a time treasures like that first lean in the car window kiss all those years ago, the first morning we woke up with our heads on the same pillow, the last time we sang Silent Night with my dad…it was on his last Christmas eve.

As distance days go flying by it’s easy to forget that eternity is just a bucket full of distance days. In fact eternity is actually a barrel full of minutes. That’s why I let Mr. Story Man have his way with my Lady every night. That’s why it’s time to drag my butt out of this big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair, go and put on my white fedora hat, my crazy Caribbean bedroom slippers, and slip into the bathrobe my lady gave me with the word WIZ on the left lapel. The WIZ is short for wizard. More about that later.

Right now, after this distance day, it’s time for Mr. Story Man to appear as he does every night. He is about to spend ten…wizardly… magical minutes helping my Lady get undressed for bed. He is about to take her back to once upon a time again.


Saturday, November 23rd, 2013

Lots of people are answering my question: Why do I let a sexy guy who calls himself The Story Man undress my Lady for bed. Proud Podcast Participant “Charles” says he thinks it might be that “he’s better in the sack than you are.” Wrong. NOBODY is better in the sack than I am. And no, wise guys, I don’t mean that even nobody is better than I am. I mean…well… check out Sunday’s podcast at


Friday, November 22nd, 2013

Stories melt into your mind. They become part of the power of who you are. Stephen Speilberg is a terrific story teller. The Bible
says Christ was too. Winston Churchill and Adolph Hitler used powerful stories to control their people. Power is sexy. A powerful story makes the listener’s
heart pound and sweat. Just like sex. That means stories are sexy. Even ones that aren’t about sex. Check out Sunday’s podcast called, “The Story Man” at

Wonder Wench Writes About Dick’s Podcast

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013

Yep, he’s done it again.  Only a true Louie Louie Lad master could possibly have been sitting innocently (a bad use of that word) on a train and accomplished what this one did in the space of just one l-o-n-g train ride. 

Of course I understand totally … he couldn’t help anything that might have occurred.  But didn’t. 

What, pray tell, is that innocent young lady supposed to do with what – as anyone who understands religion knows – the good lord <male> gave her?  She can’t hide it behind a Mother Hubbard (for those of you too young to know, a very severe – and I do mean severe – old fashioned dress); she can’t hide in a room for the rest of her life (now THAT would be a waste); and she can’t go about with a gun (at least not yet) to keep importunate eyes away from her god-given attributes. 

What’s a poor girl to do? 

I say, smile and wriggle just a tad and – dare ‘em to NOT look …


Tuesday, November 19th, 2013

Proud Podcast Participant “Ralph” wrote a brilliant and controversial comment about this week’s “Busted” podcast. He said, “I am a sexist just like you, and sometimes that gets me into trouble. You see I believe in marriage between a man and a woman. We are here to be in love to have sex and populate the earth. That is why our plumbing as a male fits the plumbing of a female. I have in my life had many gay friends  and co-workers. Gay people should have the rights of any human being including the right to a civil union. That is the only issue in which I agree with Liz Cheney. I am a total sexist. Shame on me? Not.”

How do you feel about this ?