My neighbor Steve starts every day off with a smile, so he can get it over with as soon as possible. He oftenÂ suspects people of plotting to make him happy. When someone says have a nice day to him, his standard reply is thank you but I have other plans. Our state motto is on our license plates. It says youâ€™ve got a friend in Pennsylvania. Steve added a strip of tape on the bottom of the plate; it says…donâ€™t look at me. I think his problem is heâ€™s bored. And that makes a guy a cynic. And cynicism sucks. Poor Steve.
I could never understand how people can get bored. I was a therapist for a long time, and when I used to take a clientâ€™s history, I always asked people what they did for fun. Youâ€™d be amazed at how many people looked at me and said… “Oh…not much…thereâ€™s nothing much to do.” Now this was in New York…not much to do ? Thereâ€™s always something happening in New York…of course, a lot of it is unsolved, but–nothing to do ? Come on. If nothing else, thereâ€™s never enough time to do all the nothing youâ€™d like to be able to do. Actually, it is impossible to do nothing. Doing nothing is doing something, and in fact, if youâ€™ve been working too hard, doing nothing can be very good for you. You have definitely been working too hard, Steve.
Youâ€™re always doing something. And Iâ€™m not talking about watching “must see tv.” There is no such thing. Take a hint from tv itself. When you watch tv, you never see people on the shows who are watching tv. Some people even have a tv in their bedroom. That proves to me that some people will look at anything rather than each other. Comâ€™on, look at an actual person. You might enjoy yourself. If you canâ€™t enjoy yourself, enjoy the person youâ€™re looking at. Especially if youâ€™re in your bedroom. Unless that person happens to be Steve.
Bedrooms can be the funniest place in the house. Joan Rivers claimed she caused her husbandâ€™s heart attack in the bedroom. She said in the middle of sex, she took the paper bag off her head,Â which madeÂ her husband drop the video camera and he keeled over on the hired hooker, breaking her arm. She said it would have taken an hour to untie herself and call 911, but the Great Dane could dial. But Steve, keep in mind that youâ€™ve got toÂ getÂ into good shape if you get into bondage. As they say, youâ€™ve got to get fit to be tied.But donâ€™t just hang around. As Saddam Hussein recently proved, hanging around can be dangerous. If you have such a good job that youâ€™re leading a comfortable middle class life, with occasional upgrades to business class, use your spare time to help the community. Join a volunteer fire department. Help out at a hospital. Donate your services for the temporary relief of underprivileged local nymphomaniacs.
How can anybody be bored when there are so many problems to be solved and questions to be answered ? For example, whatâ€™s going on with our eyes ? Sometimes on a train Iâ€™ll look directly at the back of the neck of the guy in front of me. Pretty soon, heâ€™ll reach up and scratch his neck. Sometimes heâ€™ll actually look around. How come he knows Iâ€™ve been watching him ? How come thereâ€™s always one wacky wheel on every super market shopping cart? What makes people push the elevator button two or three times ? How come there are no Thanksgiving carols ? Why do we laugh? Why do we cry ? How come when we really get into a laughing fit, we sometimes start to cry ?… Even if Steve isn’t around.
I have secret thoughts, and I like thinking about them when other people think Iâ€™m doing something else. Itâ€™s fun…and it keepsÂ me from getting bored. If you donâ€™t have any secret thoughts, make some up. They donâ€™t have to be dirty thoughts, although they are often the most fun. Secret thoughts can be about anything. You can have secret thoughts about what youâ€™re going to do on your vacation…right there, you could incorporate some good dirty thoughts while youâ€™re at it. Just imagine, you could have secret thoughts about your vacation while youÂ are at work and your boss couldnâ€™t fire you for it, and you could have secret thoughts about work while you are on vacation and your wife couldnâ€™t complain about it.
If youâ€™re a woman whoâ€™s waiting for the right guy to come along, great. But why not have some fun with the wrong guys while youâ€™re waiting ? And guys, even if deep inside you know youâ€™re boring, you can have some fun. Tell at least ten girls today that youâ€™re so boring they should kiss you if they want to calm down. DO IT NOW. Remember, according to the Viagra ads, itâ€™s not your knees that go first.
Boredom causes cynicism, and cynicism sucks. Some people claim that the only time you can ever change a guy like my neighbor Steve is when heâ€™s an infant. But I think he can at least do a little better, if he tries dreading only one day at a time.
1- What is the dreaded Married Guyâ€™s Mighty Question #1 ?
2- What is the dreaded Married Guyâ€™s Mighty Question #2 ?
3- Why didnâ€™t ancient Egyptian girls use birth control ?
3 right – Youâ€™re always a winner.
2 right – Second place means you lost.
1 right – Consider cheating next time.
0 right – It is hard to believe that out of a million or more sperm, you were the fastest.
Please Email your suggestions for beating cynicism toÂ email@example.com Â Â If we use yours, we may send you one of our CDs for free. Or maybe not. But give it a shot. If youâ€™re above such things, youâ€™re always welcome to leave a comment below… where it says “comments.” If you ARE a cynic, I know you wonâ€™t bother. Too bad, Steve.