I have a confession to make. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night, and sit here in my big, comfortable black leather pappa chair in the living room, and I sneak a look at my Lady Wonder Wench’s magazines…in what is probably a futile attempt to learn something…anything…about women. When I’m trying to figure out what’s going on in a woman’s mind about a situation, I try to look at it the same way I would look at it…if I were less comically ompetitive, shorter, physically weaker, but a hell of a lot smarter and more intuitive that I am. But most of the time…I don’t even get close. It could give an asprin a headache it’s so confusing.
For example, here’s a statistic that says 6 out of 7 women wear clothes to bed. Why do you people do that ? One of the great lines in the classic Elizabeth Taylor/Richard Burton Cleopatra movie is when Cleo is giving Ceasar a hard time about his wife, and she says, “I hear your wife even wears clothes to bed.”
I suppose it’s ok if you’re a kid, and you’re used to wearing your jammies to bed…but if you’re a grown up Louie-Louie Generation Lady…you must have figured out by now that you shouldn’t be in bed with somebody you shouldn’t be in bed with. And if you ARE in bed with somebody you shouldn’t be in bed with, why the heck would you be wearing clothes ? Unless of course we’re talking about something from Victoria’s Secret…which is a whole different idea
But according to Lady Wonder Wench’s magazine, most women don’t wear sexy stuff to bed, they wear T-shirts and boxers to bed. To which, Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation says…”Hey, it would make more sense to TAKE boxers to bed.” That’s what you call Louie-Louie Logic. And I like it. In fact I may take up boxing.
The magazine also says that women’s favorite dream is quote…” being submissive.” What the hell is THAT all about ? SUBMISSIVE …If I told any of the Louie-Louie Ladies I know they should be submissive, they would reply with the world famous one finger salute.
Why did an all knowing, All Loving, and All Just Creator make it so hard for me to figure women out ? I checked into some of the preacher shows on tv for some possible answers last night. But I struck out.
By the way, you’ve got to be careful looking for those preacher shows…especially the pay per view ones. Just because you hear a woman yelling things like “Oh God, oh yes, yes, yes, Oh God yes”…that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve found a certified preacher show. One way you can tell something is wrong, is that the ladies on those shows are certainly not being submissive. And none of them ever seem to wear boxer shorts to bed.
These days, new technology has made it possible to put all those shows on pay per view now. It used to be, in the old days of cable tv, that they just messed up the video. Until you paid your subscription the picture would jump all over the place. The picture looked a little like what happens in my head when my Lady Wonder Wench walks in half wearing an outfit she calls “something a little more comfortable.”
And it’s not just my mind. I also lose control of some bodily functions when she does that…including my eyebrows and my ears. I can wiggle one ear at a time…my dad taught me to do that when I was a kid. I guess he wanted to prove to me that I really did have muscles in my head. But when Lady W.W. lights my limbic system, my ears insist on wiggling all by themselves, and my eyebrows twitch. I can’t help it. And I don’t think that’s… suave. In fact I figure that’s the main reason some people think Brad Pitt is suaver than me. He can keep control of his ears and his eyelids. Big deal. Big star. Brad Pitt
Dick’s Details Quiz…all answers are in the current podcast.
1- Why do I have good reason to believe that Father Ivan is the priest who gives out the worst penances in confession?
2- How did Roman lions get around peeling and dicing their onions?
3- Why do women really out live men ?
Dick’s details. They take your mind off your mind.
There are lots of things that defy Louie-Louie Logic. For example, how come the best selling category of books is cook books, and the second biggest is diet books? “Here’s how not to eat the stuff you just learned how to cook.” They call lions the king of the jungle. But they don’t live in jungles, they live on grassy plains. And what about that embossed toilet paper you find in the men’s rooms at very upscale restaurants. What is that all about. Or on the other hand…so to speak…how about the very thin toilet paper in MacDonald men’s rooms. They figure they’re saving money, but they’re not. We just roll down twice as much of the stuff. I don’t mean to spend too much time on men’s room here, but the tackiest thing I think I’ve ever seen in a men’s room was at Tradition Field in Port St. Luice. That’s where the Mets play their spring training games. Over the urinals this year, was a rather graphic ad for a local urologist. It’s true. You can’t make this stuff up. By the way, before we leave the subject, here’s a tip for those of you who are not men, and always seem to have crowded bathrooms in public places. Two reasons we don’t have that problem: #1 – we don’t take friends along for the trip. And #2, everybody recognizes that incoming traffic has the right of way.
There’s a story about a lady who left her shoes, and an invitation too good to resist behind her, on her trip to a ladies’ room in a piano bar one evening. It’s in the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio cd. It’s called, The Piano Man.
Her name was Lori…she didn’t dream of being submissive, and I’m willing to bet she didn’t even own a pair of boxer shorts…but I don’t know for sure. The Piano guy is a gentleman, so he’s not talking. cd called Night Connections 2. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast, or if you want a fresh copy, just go back to the home page and download it from the Night Connections 2 icon.
Please…when you are about to retire for the evening, remember what Big Louie, his own bad self always says: “Naked feelings are much sexier than naked bodies.” Look…everybody has anatomy. I will quickly admit that it looks a lot better on women than it does on us.
But I think we should seriously consider going all naked all the time…not just to bed…all the time. Except in the winter of course. I’ve been to some nude beaches, and with a very few outstanding exceptions, it really wasn’t very pretty. And in a fairly short time, it actually got boring. I’ll bet all naked all the time would actually cut down on sex crimes. It would certainly make us all healthier, because we’d want to look as good as possible, so we’d do some real exercising instead of just pushing our luck, jumping to conclusions, and dunking our donuts.
But I must admit I have a problem with All naked all the time… and it involves my Lady Wonder Wench. I would have a tough time watching a bunch of guys watching her naked…ever. And would be dangerous with all the traffic jams and guys walking into poles. But here’s the point: Even in this day of internet dating, where if you go on ten blind dates, they give you a free seeing eye dog…if you’ve been reading the same magazines as my Lady Wonder Wench…here’s a tip…some simple Louie-Louie logic:
You shouldn’t go to bed with somebody you shouldn’t go to bed with. And if you do go to bed with somebody you shouldn’t go to bed with…forget the boxer shorts.