Dick Summer Connection

 I have a confession to make. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night, and sit here in my big, comfortable black leather pappa chair in the living room, and I sneak a look at my Lady Wonder Wench’s magazines…in what is probably a futile attempt to learn something…anything…about women. When I’m trying to figure out what’s going on in a woman’s mind about a situation, I try to look at it the same way I would look at it…if I were less comically ompetitive, shorter, physically weaker, but a hell of a lot smarter and more intuitive that I am. But most of the time…I don’t even get close. It could give an asprin a headache it’s so confusing.

For example, here’s a statistic that says 6 out of 7 women wear clothes to bed. Why do you people do that ? One of the great lines in the classic Elizabeth Taylor/Richard Burton Cleopatra movie is when Cleo is giving Ceasar a hard time about his wife, and she says, “I hear your wife even wears clothes to bed.”

I suppose it’s ok if you’re a kid, and you’re used to wearing your jammies to bed…but if you’re a grown up Louie-Louie Generation Lady…you must have figured out by now that you shouldn’t be in bed with somebody you shouldn’t be in bed with. And if you ARE in bed with somebody you shouldn’t be in bed with, why the heck would you be wearing clothes ? Unless of course we’re talking about something from Victoria’s Secret…which is a whole different idea

But according to Lady Wonder Wench’s magazine, most women don’t wear sexy stuff to bed, they wear T-shirts and boxers to bed.  To which, Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation says…”Hey, it would make more sense to TAKE boxers to bed.” That’s what you call Louie-Louie Logic. And I like it. In fact I may take up boxing.

The magazine also says that women’s favorite dream is quote…” being submissive.” What the hell is THAT all about ? SUBMISSIVE …If I told any of the Louie-Louie Ladies I know they should be submissive, they would reply with the world famous one finger salute.

Why did an all knowing, All Loving, and All Just Creator make it so hard for me to figure women out ? I checked into some of the preacher shows on tv for some possible answers last night. But I struck out.

By the way, you’ve got to be careful looking for those preacher shows…especially the pay per view ones. Just because you hear a woman yelling things like “Oh God, oh yes, yes, yes, Oh God yes”…that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve found a certified preacher show. One way you can tell something is wrong, is that the ladies on those shows are certainly not being submissive. And none of them ever seem to wear boxer shorts to bed.

These days, new technology has made it possible to put all those shows on pay per view now. It used to be, in the old days of cable tv, that they just messed up the video. Until you paid your subscription the picture would jump all over the place. The picture looked a little like what happens in my head when my Lady Wonder Wench walks in half wearing an outfit she calls “something a little more comfortable.”

And it’s not just my mind. I also lose control of some bodily functions when she does that…including my eyebrows and my ears. I can wiggle one ear at a time…my dad taught me to do that when I was a kid. I guess he wanted to prove to me that I really did have muscles in my head. But when Lady W.W. lights my limbic system, my ears insist on wiggling all by themselves, and my eyebrows twitch. I can’t help it. And I don’t think that’s… suave. In fact I figure that’s the main reason some people think Brad Pitt is suaver than me. He can keep control of his ears and his eyelids. Big deal. Big star. Brad Pitt

Dick’s Details Quiz…all answers are in the current podcast.

1- Why do I have good reason to believe that Father Ivan is the priest who gives out the worst penances in confession?

2- How did Roman lions get around peeling and dicing their onions?

3- Why do women really out live men ?

Dick’s details. They take your mind off your mind.

There are lots of things that defy Louie-Louie Logic. For example, how come the best selling category of books is cook books, and the second biggest is diet books? “Here’s how not to eat the stuff you just learned how to cook.” They call lions the king of the jungle. But they don’t live in jungles, they live on grassy plains. And what about that embossed toilet paper you find in the men’s rooms at very upscale restaurants. What is that all about. Or on the other hand…so to speak…how about the very thin toilet paper in MacDonald men’s rooms. They figure they’re saving money, but they’re not. We just roll down twice as much of the stuff. I don’t mean to spend too much time on men’s room here, but the tackiest thing I think I’ve ever seen in a men’s room was at Tradition Field in Port St. Luice. That’s where the Mets play their spring training games. Over the urinals this year, was a rather graphic ad for a local urologist. It’s true. You can’t make this stuff up. By the way, before we leave the subject, here’s a tip for those of you who are not men, and always seem to have crowded bathrooms in public places. Two reasons we don’t have that problem: #1 – we don’t take friends along for the trip. And #2, everybody recognizes that incoming traffic has the right of way.

There’s a story about a lady who left her shoes, and an invitation too good to resist behind her, on her trip to a ladies’ room in a piano bar one evening. It’s in the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio cd. It’s called, The Piano Man.

Her name was Lori…she didn’t dream of being submissive, and I’m willing to bet she didn’t even own a pair of boxer shorts…but I don’t know for sure. The Piano guy is a gentleman, so he’s not talking. cd called Night Connections 2. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast, or if you want a fresh copy, just go back to the home page and download it from the Night Connections 2 icon.

Please…when you are about to retire for the evening, remember what Big Louie, his own bad self always says: “Naked feelings are much sexier than naked bodies.” Look…everybody has anatomy. I will quickly admit that it looks a lot better on women than it does on us.

But I think we should seriously consider going all naked all the time…not just to bed…all the time. Except in the winter of course. I’ve been to some nude beaches, and with a very few outstanding exceptions, it really wasn’t very pretty. And in a fairly short time, it actually got boring. I’ll bet all naked all the time would actually cut down on sex crimes. It would certainly make us all healthier, because we’d want to look as good as possible, so we’d do some real exercising instead of just pushing our luck, jumping to conclusions, and dunking our donuts.

But I must admit I have a problem with All naked all the time… and it involves my Lady Wonder Wench. I would have a tough time watching a bunch of guys watching her naked…ever. And would be dangerous with all the traffic jams and guys walking into poles. But here’s the point: Even in this day of internet dating, where if you go on ten blind dates, they give you a free seeing eye dog…if you’ve been reading the same magazines as my Lady Wonder Wench…here’s a tip…some simple Louie-Louie logic:

You shouldn’t go to bed with somebody you shouldn’t go to bed with. And if you do go to bed with somebody you shouldn’t go to bed with…forget the boxer shorts.

“You decide which is right, and which is an illusion.” That’s from an album by the amazing Moody Blues. It’s called “Days Of Future Passed.” I was reminded of it by a note from a special young relative of mine by the name of Sarah. The note says, “I’ve been learning some things. I’ve learned that even the one person in the world who wasn’t ever supposed to let you down, probably will let you down. I’ve experienced what it’s like to have my heart broken a couple of times, and it’s harder every time. I know I’m going to have to break somebody’s heart tonight, and I’ll be as gentle as I can be, because I remember how it felt when mine was broken. And I just had a fight with my best friend…it made me feel so alone.”

Sarah is a very bright and happy kid. She’s in the April of her life…wearing her first high heels and lipstick. When she gets scared or confused, she’s very quickly able to see the light at the end of the tunnel…and she uses it to fix her hair in the mirror. As I said…she’s special.

Sarah’s note is, in a way, one of those “Days Of Future Past”. Our family lost one of our own. And Sarah’s note was a bright spot in an otherwise very dark week.

It’s like Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation always says: “Kids can’t be responsible for not knowing what it’s like to be grown-ups. But grown-ups are idiots when we forget what it’s like being kids.” It’s a statistical fact that kids laugh three times as often as grown ups. I think that’s because they’re looking at us, and they see us more clearly than we see ourselves. And what they tell each other is that the emperor has no clothes on…and “Look at that ! He’s out of Viagra too.” Laughs are the weapons of choice for kids. And they should be for the Louie-Louie Generation too.

When I was a kid, I learned that you can’t make a girl fall in love with you, but you can make her fall in laugh with you…and that’s almost as good. Because once she starts laughing, you can smile, and very quietly say something like, “can I tell you something in complete confidence ?” That will make her lean over closer to you so she can hear better…and you say something like, “You are very beautiful.” Now, she looked in the mirror before she went out, and mostly she liked what she saw, but there were some little doubts…which you have now cleared up…which will bring you your justly deserved reward in heaven… or maybe a little sooner…in your apartment.

Things like that you had to learn for yourself. But most of what you learned came from your mother. Mom taught you about thinking ahead. “Wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.” She taught you about determination. “You’ll sit there until you eat every one of those peas.” She taught you the facts of life. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” And she taught you about social justice. “Eat your dinner. Think about the poor starving children in Tasmania.”

And of course there’s always the wisdom of Big Louie, his own bad self. He likes to remind us that there are benefits to getting older. For example, you don’t have to worry about your friends keeping your secrets, because they can’t remember them anyway. You’re a safer driver because you no longer look at the speed limit as a challenge. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac, because you’re supposed to look like that at your age. Your eyes really can’t get much worse. And there aren’t too many more things for you to learn the hard way.

Sarah’s smart, bright note was a big help around here. It’s been a tough week. We lost a family member. So we needed a little cheering up. And her note did it.

Dick’s Details Quiz. (All the answers are in the current podcast.

1-    What effect did the name “Lake Titticaca” have on the face of the guy who thought it up ?

2-    Why did coal miner’s wives like guys with weak backs ?

3-    What did a woman do for Lyndon Johnson that no woman ever did for a president before or since ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Big Louie, his own bad self always says, “Monkeys gibber, lions roar, and people preach.” I hate being preached at. That’s one of the reasons I was never very good at going to church. So I don’t want to be the guy doing the preaching either. But Sarah’s note got me to thinking about a bunch of ideas I put together a long time ago, when I was trying to explain some things to her mom. I put them in the Lovin Touch Personal Audio cd, but I almost never play it…because…I don’t want to preach. I hate preaching. But maybe…maybe it’s not preaching, because I really believe it. The story is called, You Shine. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast, or if you want a fresh copy, just go back to the home page, and download it from the Lovin Touch icon.

It’s been a tough week for the family. We lost a very important person. So Sarah’s note is especially welcome. She’s a bright and wonderful kid in the April of her life. Of course we know she’s going to make mistakes. She’s going to blame her current boyfriend for the mistakes the guy before him made. She’s going to hurt and get hurt. She’s going to lose someone she loves…she did that this week. But she likes to laugh. And she’s the kind of kid who never gives up. Never, never, never. In kindergarten, she decided to try for the world’s record for holding your breath…and she literally passed out trying.

Sarah is the future. Her note was such a help this week, when we lost a member of the family.

Days Of Future Passed. I think there’s always hope when the dreams of the immediate future are kinder than the history of the recent past.

More lessons about the “R” word  from folks with some smarts:

I have known many people who retired before their time and regretted it but I also know many people who have had wonderful retirements. Maybe retirement is like any other event in your life. You need to train for it.

                My wife is a physical therapist. She does home visits and has many elderly patients. She was treating an elderly woman who suffered a fall. She was around 80 years old.

                My wife has to evaluate the patient’s home environment to see if the patient is safe at home. She asked the woman if she lived alone. She said that she was married and that her 80 something husband was out riding his bike. My wife thought that the husband was riding his bike around the neighborhood. It turns out that he was riding his bike around Europe.

                My neighbor in Maine is a for real lobsterman. He is 80 years old. Last winter I spoke to him while he was outside cutting his own firewood. He was all excited about the new lobster boat that he just bought.

                F. Scott Fitzgerald said “There are no second acts in American life”. This is baloney.

                I was in sales for many years in an industry that was dying. I sort of fell into the job and never really liked it but responsibilities always prevented me from leaving. Having the opportunity to do something else was like a blessing in disguise. I went back to school and got a Masters Degree in Computer Science and I am now a network engineer managing computer systems at one of the local colleges.  At 41 years of age I reinvented myself and have not looked back.

                I have also started teaching part time. I find this to be a great experience and it is a way to give thanks to all the people who took the time to help me during my period of  “adjustment”.

                One of the reasons I got into this business in the first place was that I recognized that I would not want to completely retire. I could still teach part time or do consulting work. Perhaps you might look into teaching at a local college. How cool would it be to take Mass Comm 101 with Professor Dick Summer?

I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather pappa chair in my living room, in total shock. My Lady Wonder Wench just said the R word. I think I’d better stand up for a moment, just to prove I still can. There. That’s better. I knew I could do it. I know that as a true Louie-Louie Generation gentleman, my years of having young lovelies whispering the word hunk behind my back…in lustful awe…may well be in my rear view mirror. Come to think about it, there are now young lovelies…and not so young ones… cruel ones…who might possibly say my rear simply isn’t really worth viewing at all anymore. It’s times like these when it’s important to remember what Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation always says. He says, “You can only hold your belly in for so many years.”  

She said the R word to me. Me. The former chief lifeguard at Coney Island’s section 6. The guy who had his own tv bandstand show. A manly man who proudly wore his speedo bathing suit until it mysteriously disappeared a few years ago. You know… I’ve begun to think she had something to do with that. The R word…to Me.

I do have to lose a few pounds. And that’s no walk in the park. Come to think of it no walk in the park is probably part of the reason I have to lose a few pounds. I still make my finger marks in the carpet doing my push ups, and I huff and puff around the neighborhood on my bike, because I really don’t want my body to attack me. And as I told you a few weeks ago, I have now officially become a glasses guy…I have to wear them all the time now. You get used to it. In fact, I realized while I was doing my pushups today that I was still wearing my glasses. That was weird.

Former gym teachers who now call themselves personal trainers so they can charge $100 an hour, try to make figuring out your physical condition complicated. It’s not complicated. It’s simple. If it jiggles, it’s fat. Of course, remember that fat is not always bad. As I’m sure you know, it depends on who’s fat and where. It looks quite nice on the upper bodies of some ladies of my acquaintance for example.

But this is not about my somewhat rusting physical condition. It’s about the R word. She said it to me today. She said…why don’t you retire. When I got control of my eyebrows and my tongue, I tried giving her a respectful and typically male, perfectly reasoned answer. I said “I’ve had an easy life. I was a disc jockey and a therapist. I’m not tired. Think of the word… Re-tire. It means you’ve got to tire first, and then get peppy again before you can Re-Tire. I’ve been running around having fun all my life. How am I going to all of a sudden learn to do nothing and then rest ?” That’s pretty well reasoned isn’t it ?

I like what I do. It’s not much but I like it, and the pay is decent. I do the communications for a very successful law firm…I make their commercials and I write their newsletter…stuff like that. I’ve known the guys who own the company for years, and I like them. They’re good guys, they treat me with respect, and they do the kind of work anybody would be proud to represent. So why should I retire ? I’m really only thirty…inside. That’s where it counts. Right ?

I’ll have to admit that I have been snarling lately when it gets a little late in the week. And instead of taking two steps at a time, sometimes I’ve been taking two pills at a time. And I’m going to have to run out to the west coast again next week…and when I get really busy, My Lady Wonder Wench starts looking a little lonesome…sitting on the couch doing her needlepoint. I don’t like it when Lady Wonder Wench isn’t happy. She’s put the love in my life for a long time…and she took care of the kids, and the house, and me…for a long time. Lets change the subject.

Dick’s details quiz (All answers are available in the current podcast.) 

1- What did Dracula have in common with the Pope? 

2- Why is the Speaker of the House always a married man ?

3- Which is the only state with a single syllable name ?

Dick’s details. They take your  mind off your mind.

This idea of retiring just sneaks up on you like a car’s windshield sneaks up on the backside of a bug on a summer night. I bet inside every retired person there’s some kid who’s just starting out…looking around and saying…”hey, what happened.”

It seems like just when you begin to get a handle on the way things really are, the handle falls off. Louie-Louie Generation folks have learned some important lessons. Like, whether the glass is half full or half empty mostly depends on whether you’re drinking or pouring. And there is no such thing as safe sex. And there shouldn’t be. And if you walk around looking like you know what you’re doing, you can usually get away with doing anything you want to do…except fly an airplane. And when you’re thinking of buying a used car, check the station buttons on the radio. If they’re all set to rock stations, chances are the transmission is shot. And there’s one thing I keep hearing…and it’s wrong. Lots of people say you can’t learn anything from listening to yourself talk. That’s not true. If you don’t believe me, put a little tape recorder on while you’re talking to somebody, and when the conversation is over, play it back… and listen carefully to what you said, and how you said it. Play it back a couple of times. You’ll teach yourself a lot about who you really are. 

I know. It’s all part of growing up. You’ve got to learn you’ll get in trouble if you go up to the check out counter at the drug store with a box of condoms, and ask the manager “Where’s the fitting room.” I was only kidding. The guy had no sense of humor. How can a maturity challenged Louie-Louie Generation guy like me even think about retiring ? It’s all part of growing up. There’s a story called Growing Up in the personal audio cd called Lovin Touch.

Lady Wonder Wench made it ok for me to get around in a grown up world…in my maturity challenged condition. “Growing Up” is from the Lovin Touch personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the “lovin touch icon on the opening page.

Retire. Me. You know what ? The idea scares the hell out of me.

I’m sitting here in my big, black, comfortable leather pappa chair in my living room, putting Clint Eastwood’s Bridges of Madison County back in the box. Some guys call that a Chick Flick, and they wouldn’t be seen watching it by the other guys.

Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation has a thought about that for all us Louie- Louie Generation guys who’s hormones are still humming. He says, “Always go to the chick flicks. That’s where the chicks are.”

When you look at Eastwood’s smile, you begin to understand that here’s a guy who…obviously relishes romance…and therefore relishes women… which is probably a big reason why they seem to feel the same about him. Big Louie’s biggest goal is to spread some of this relish around.

Clint Eastwood understands guys too. He is one, so that makes it easier. I spent a lot of years on the air, so it was pretty obvious to me that Clint understood why guys want to become disc jockeys…mainly to get girls. That’s why he loved starring in and directing “Play Misty For Me” all those years ago.

If you’re too young to remember, Jessica Walter was the young lovely, purring on the phone… “Dave, please play Misty for me.” Every time the request line rings (it doesn’t actually ring, it lights up), every disc jockey I’ve ever known gets a quick vision of a scantily clad young lovely, slowly flexing her long, tapered legs and licking her lips, and playing with her soft, perfumed hair… just waiting to breathe her request into his ear. There is no other reason for becoming a disc jockey. Especially a late night disc jockey. And the amazing thing is that often the vision is reasonably accurate. Not always, but more often than you think.

There are around seven million women in New York City. The temptation level for a guy on the air at WNBC was somewhere between steam and stun. That’s one reason I was glad that my lady Wonder Wench often came to the studio with me believe it or not, because her presence helped hold the hormones in check. Hormones they tend to fly around pretty good in a radio studio at midnight in Manhattan.

But really… it was while I was doing the midday show at WPIX that the biggest telephone temptation of all came dangling out of the phone. And it was from a guy…named Al. Al Goldstein was the publisher of a magazine called “Screw.” It was not a trade journal for carpenters. Al also produced a local access cable tv show called “Midnight Blue.” It was on at midnight, and it was very blue. For some reason, Mr. Goldstein thought it might be an interesting idea to have a locally known disc jockey star in his next “Midnight Movie.”

I am not often at a loss for words on the phone. But come on…walk a moment in my hormones. Unfortunately, Wonder Wench wasn’t in the studio, and so I had nothing to look at to keep my attention where it belongs…which was anywhere that Al wasn’t. I said something that sounded like “Gezornenplatz,”. Al said “gesundheit.” Then he said something about a blonde, a brunette, a redhead and me. All at once … just as a song was ending. There were a couple of live spots and a jingle that had to get on the air. And I had to do them. Good. They were business…a familiar pattern in a mind suddenly gone goofy-ly gynecological.

I won’t lie. Temptation trickled down my back. But as soon as I replaced my eyeballs in their respective sockets, returned my tongue to its accustomed place between my teeth, and regained some control of one of my lungs, I did the commercials, played the jingle, and thought of an answer for Al. I think I said something like “Thank you thank you thank you thank you, no, but thank you thank you thank you thank you so very much. I honestly didn’t think Wonder Wench would have understood. So much for Peter North envy. (He’s today’s top male porn performer. His neighbors say on his way to work, he is usually heard singing, “There’s no business like show business.”)

Dick’s Details Quiz…all the answers are in the current podcast

1-    What’s the creepiest part of being called “average?”

2-    Why should you never French kiss a blue whale ?

3-    What’s the REAL cause of global warming on Saaturday nights ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

One of the things that makes life so interesting is that so often you have to make decisions of the Al Goldstein kind very quickly. Some pretty girl crosses her legs and smiles at a guy. Some tall guy in a supermarket offers to reach a box high up on a top shelf for a woman, and holds her eyes for an extra moment. Big possibilities can come from very small flecks of time. There’s a story about that in the Bedtime Stories personal audio cd. It’s called…”Got A Minute?”

Seems like as soon as you turn your back, whole buckets full of your minutes just get together and clump into years.  Hey come on…it’s just a minute. Sometimes that one minute turns into a lifetime. And sometimes…that can be good. “Got A Minute?” is from the Bedtime Stories personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Bedtime Stories icon on the home page.

Speaking of a blonde, a brunette and a red head…all at once… Big Louie, his own bad self has often remarked at how Louie-Louie generation gentlemen always seem to be the bed partners of choice for super models, and other beautiful, accomplished people of the feminine persuasion. It’s because of our worldly charm, our romantic inclinations, and the fact that some of us have a little money. However, because Big Louie is the Chief Mustard Cutter for All Louie-Louie Generation people, including, and in fact especially… those of you of the female persuasion, he has issued a “Dirty Dog” alert specifically for Louie-Louie Generation women.

Reports have come in this week to Louie-Louie Generation Central about several guys who have been telling ladies they’re suffering from Ed’s Disease. Erectile dysfunction…which has resulted in an alarming number of cases in which the warm and wonderful Louie-Louie Generation ladies in question set out to try to cure the cad’s suffering.

It is Louie’s understanding that an increasing number of miracle cures have been effected just this past Saturday night.

Oh why is Dirty Harry just smiling, when justice needs to be done.