Some people think I’m taking next week off because it’s National Condom week, and I want to attend the celebrations and parades all over the country. That’s not true. My lady Wonder Wench and I are going to the final week of New York Mets baseball spring training. So you and I will be un-Connected for a week. Unfortunately, I think the celebration in Pt. St. Lucie, Florida is liable to be a quiet one. But I promise Wonder Wench and I will do our best to uphold the honor of the Louie-Louie generation.
The very fact that we can have a National Condom week means we’ve come a long way since the Louie-Louie days. If a young Louie-Louie generation guy wanted to buy a condom, he used to have to put on sunglasses, pull his hat down over his eyes, take a trolley car to the other side of town, and scrawl a note to the druggist so there’s no chance anybody would recognize his voice and turn him in to “The Authorities.” (Usually his mother.) Now drug stores stock the condoms right out in front next to the bubble gum.
I think that’s dangerous. Suppose you’re in a hurry and you grab the box of bubble gum instead of the condom box…and in your next moment of passion when you reach for the “rubber” you suddenly realize your awful mistake. That’s a time when you’re not thinking too clearly anyway…your eyes are bulging out, your heart rate is approaching 400, and you’re sweating a gallon a minute… so you could be tempted to just say “the hell with this,” blow a bubble, and take a chance on using that as a substitute. Don’t do that unless you want a coffee cup that says, “World’s Greatest Dad.”
Timed to coordinate with the National Condom Week celebrations and parades, no doubt… scientists have now announced that they’ve figured out why guys want to have sex with beautiful young women. After exhaustive research, they have decided that it’s because we want to be sure that we spread our genes into the next generation, and we want beautiful young women as mates, because they’re the ones who are most likely to be healthy enough to see to it that our genes get where we want them to go.
Some guy in a doctor suit stood there on live tv the other night and actually said that with a straight face.
I think I can safely speak for my fellow Louie-Louie generation guys when I say there may be other reasons. One of those reasons has quite accurately been summed up in the words, “EEE-HHAA”…which translates roughly to “oh thank you, God, does that ever feel very good.” But contrary to this new scientific theory, I’m here to tell you that shortly after I have experienced many of those EEE-HHAA moments, I have prayed quite fervently to that same God, beseeching him to drown every one of those pesky little genes in their own little gene pools. And I think I can safely say that my lady Wonder Wench has joined me in that fervent prayer on more than one occasion.
There are lots of new theories about sex. My politically oriented buddy Al says “today’s juvenile promiscuity is all the fault of leftist leaning liberals…it’s obvious that kids are having oral sex now because Bill Clinton said “it’s not sex, so it’s ok.” Al’s trying to get the Republicans to hold some hearings on the subject. And my young friend Ty says that the women he knows seem to be losing interest in sex altogether.
I don’t think women are losing interest in sex at all. I think they’re losing interest with the way young guys go about EEE-HHHAA-ing. And Louie-Louie generation guys are just delighted to see that because we are dedicated to coming to the aid of suffering woman- hood of all ages. Young guys often ignore, or at least pretend to ignore, any woman who’s old enough to be finished with wearing braces on her teeth. That’s insulting and wasteful. Fortunately, unattached Louie-Louie generation guys are always ready to carry the heavy burden of keeping as large a group of these women as happy as possible. And attached Louie-Louie guys like me are totally dedicated to keeping one woman happy, smiling and healthy. Why do you think I am always trying to talk Wonder Wench into letting me help her with her floor exercises? It has nothing to do with my genes, and everything to do with her good health…more or less.
Louie-Louie guys do well with women, because we are not afraid of them, we know we’ll never understand them, and most important, we like them. Young guys don’t understand that men are never going to understand women…but that’s ok…it has always been that way and the race has survived…so it’s not something to fear. But young guys keep trying and failing…and that scares them. And you can’t really like someone who scares you.
We, on the other hand, understand that women make the social rules in our society, and we understand that one of the rules is: “Men are not allowed to know exactly what any of the rules are.” But we know we can get around problems like that as long as we have our American Freedom of Speech. We’re allowed to talk…so we’ll often walk right up to a beautiful woman of any age and say something like, “May I tell you something in complete confidence ?” That gets any woman’s attention, and usually makes her lean in toward us and smile, and then we just very simply say something like, “You are very beautiful.”
That’s because we’ve been around. We know that only 20% of American women think they’re beautiful. But we also know that every woman looks in the mirror before she goes out and fiddles and fixes till she can honestly say, “Hey, I look pretty good.” And we’re just delighted to reenforce her positive feelings. Because that gets us at least a smile. Sometimes more.
In my case, I am totally devoted to protecting Wonder Wench from the lesser affections of younger men. When she gets dressed to go out with me, I never miss the opportunity to smile appreciatively, bow a little in her direction, and say something low and warm like…wow. That makes her glow. Young guys don’t know what a wonderful weapon a wow can be.
I have tried to pass this information down to our sons, and the two oldest of them seem to be catching on. I heard one of them explain that it is his duty and his pleasure to protect his lady, and therefore he is resisting the terrible temptation to buy her a huge rock for her engagement ring, fearing that if she were to wear it swimming in the lake, it would weigh her down so much that she’d be in danger of becoming stuck in the lake bottom muck. That’s my boy. Although he is still unfortunately somewhat young, he is beginning to ripen.
Dick’s Details Quiz – (All answers are in the current “Good Night” PodCast.)
1- What’s the name of the kid whose picture is on the Cracker Jacks box?
2- What should be the name of the kid in the “Jack In The Box” box?
3- What should we call a bear with a serious sexual identity crisis ?
3 right – Your High School Yearbook editor will be sending you an apology for being completely wrong about you.
2 right – You will soon enjoy an evening of sex, champaign, raspberries, croissants, ham and cheese.
1-right – You will remember to bang your cane on the ground and use it as a pivot to slowly turn and marvel as any beautiful girl walks by.
0 – right – You are doomed to remain young and un-ripe forever.
NB – I really am whisking my Lady Wonder Wench away for a wild week of vacation this week. The next Dick Summer Connection will be in two weeks. However, you can reach me atÂ firstname.lastname@example.org Â Â Â Â . Be careful around gene pools during National Condom Week celebrations. Wear your life preserver.