Archive for February, 2008

The Dick Summer Connection – February 24, 2008

Saturday, February 23rd, 2008

We are too damn busy. But what do you expect in a country that encourages us to pursue happiness, life, liberty, sixty hour a week job security, state subsidized pre-kindergarten calculus coaching, decent housing, affordable health care, a non-smoking section, a joke free work place, a little league team that makes the play offs, cable tv, risk free sky diving, and a choice of low fat deserts?

Some people are even too busy for sex. It’s gotten so bad that The Rev. Paul Wirth of Ybor City, Florida has told the married members of his congregation that they should make time for sex EVERY DAY/NIGHT for a month. He says the 50% divorce rate is due in great part to the fact that we aren’t taking time for sex. Rev. Wirth is my kind of guy.

I’m busy too, but when my Lady Wonder Wench gives me one of those looks that you can pour on your pancakes, and that little smile that says “got a minute?”…so far… I’ve never had any trouble in finding a minute…or so.

But lately, I’ve been “too busy” to do push ups. I’ve been doing push ups since I was in grammar school. And I always hated them. But I had a Mickey Mouse lunch box with an Annette Funicello thermos bottle. And somehow I knew that Annette would be more interested in me if I did push ups. And by extension, I figured Jeannie, and Doris, and Mary, and Matilda, and the other Jeannie, and Maureen and other people who looked like them would be more interested, too.

This may come as a surprise to you women, but we Louie-Louie Generation guys all told each other that girls liked guys with muscles…and we believed each other…because you girls didn’t tell us we were wrong. You didn’t really tell us much of anything about yourselves. Mostly you just told us, NO. DON’T TOUCH ME!

Think about that. I’ll guarantee you… some time, some where, some girl was busy telling George Clooney, Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, and Pierce Brosnan… NO. DON’T TOUCH ME! I’ll bet when you got this week’s issue of Time Magazine with George on the cover, you’d like the time to do that one over, girls.

And we’re still doing stuff we don’t want to do…all the time. That’s why we’re so damn busy. We pay the rent. We go to work. We vote for idiots. We pay taxes. We put up with relatives we’d like to strangle…We drive the kids to karate/dance/Little League/the tanning salon …STUFF WE DON’T WANT TO DO.

“Well”…you will say… “we have to do these things.”

I THINK NOT. Not any more. At least not all the time.

Trust Big Louie…the head bar tender of the Louie-Louie Generation… his own bad self…to come up with a solution. It’s called Don’t do what you don’t wanna do day…do wah…doo waah. The idea is…you just pick one day out of the week…and simply refuse to do a damn thing you don’t wanna do.

All week long…as you’re busy telling George Clooney NO, paying your income tax….doing push ups…and working and slaving at a job where you’re not appreciated…you now can be smiling one of those smiles that makes people wonder what you’re up to…as you look forward to your very own, Don’t do what you don’t wanna do day, do wah, doo waah.


Here’s how you make it work. If somebody says, “You need to cut the lawn,” or “Why don’t you get a hair cut,” or “Time to wash the car” or even, “What about your diet?” as you’re wolfing down your dinner on your Don’t do what you don’t wanna do day, do wah, doo waah…you simply look them in the eye and say…”do wah, doo waah to you.” Or if you prefer, just make stuff up. Tell them that eating helps the farmers, and it wards off dizzy spells. Tell them it relieves shortness of breath. It relieves tallness of breath, too. Tell them it is an excellent…if temporary…form of oral contraception.

Of course, don’t over-do it. Don’t drink beer directly from the keg or lick plates that don’t belong to you…or take all the “next customer” numbers at the bakery. But have some fun. Warn people about the dangers of excess thinness. Mention how somebody you knew hurt himself when he slid through bench slats and hit the sidewalk. Remind them that dieters need to be careful not to lose so much weight that they run the risk of becoming invisible.

Excess stress brought on by being too busy has been a problem in this country long enough. As Big Louie his own bad self has often said…”When you’ve got a serious problem, find a silly solution.” So, if you’re feeling guilty about not doing the dishes, or mowing the lawn, or ironing your hair, instead of sulking or lurking, or getting defensive about it…stand up straight and tall and tell everyone around you…including yourself…and your therapist, for that matter…Say it loud and clear…I’m not doing that today, because today is my Don’t do what you don’t wanna do day…do wah, doo waah.

Dick’s Details Quiz – All the answers are in the current PodCast at 

1- Why are astronauts not allowed to eat beans before blast off?

2- What did Princess Diana have to do that she probably didn’t want to do for Prince Charles before they got married?

3- What are men four times more likely than women to do in bed?


3 – right – Single mom with three kids and a full time job.

2 – right – Married mom with three kids and a full time job.

1 – right – Bride to be planning her wedding while working a full time job.

0 – right – Do wah, doo waah.

Here are some training tips for preparing those around you for the control you are taking over your stress level as you set yourself up for your own personal Don’t do what you don’t wanna do day…do wah… doo waah: The next time your girl friend wants you to take her to the ballet…just tell her…not today, dear. Do wah, doo waah. The next time your guy wants you to wear that gold lame thong with the rhinestone studs he bought you, that gets stuck in uncomfortable places…just tell him…that’s right…do wah, doo waah. Somebody who cares about you should be able to put up with that… it’s only one day in the week…your personal Don’t do what you don’t want to do day…do wah, doo waah. The guy from the Alumni Association calling you for a donation…oh, well…do wah…doo waah.

But Big Louie, his own bad self, wants me to give you this disclaimer: Remember…do wah…doo waah is not yet technically considered a legal defense. So use your head. Don’t pick your Don’t do what you don’t want to do day to deal with your income tax, for example. If you just write ha ha ha on your income tax return instead of sending in your money, no matter how proudly you tell the judge do wah, doo waah…you will be spending an excess amount of time in the company of associates who have names like One Ear, Snot Face, and Rick the Roach. And they may not always recognize the personal importance of your Don’t do what you don’t wanna do day.

Your comments and encouragement are always welcome at    For example…Proud PodCast Participant Tom Preston asks, “If you send someone an anonymous Valentine’s Day card, how will you know what kind of results it gets?”

Tom…suppose Big Louie sent an anonymous Valentine’s Day card to the lady who runs the little post office down the street… who got a divorce a few months ago and is looking kinda like a left over baked potato. And suppose a few days later, Big L went into the post office with some mail, and just happened to ask the lady how was her Valentine’s Day…trust me…she would do at least five minutes about the anonymous card. Most people think it would be a good idea to do something like that… but they get so… busy….


The Dick Summer Connection – February 17, 2008

Saturday, February 16th, 2008

Cupid isn’t stupid. As a card carrying “Louie-Louie Generation” guy, I’ve had enough of his arrows stuck in my backside to re-supply the Indians at Custer’s last stand. And some of those arrows really hurt. But somehow… you kiss the boo-boo…learn a lesson… and move on. Or better yet, you get someone else to kiss the boo-boo for you. The important thing is… you learn a lesson. One of the most important lessons you can learn…is that sometimes it’s just time to move on…which is a hard lesson. But it’s anything but stupid.

And sometimes you get lucky enough to learn that you better dig your heels in, get the boo-boo kissing done and over with…and never let someone go…ever…no matter how much hurting is involved…because that person is worth dying for. Or even more important…living for.

I like Valentine’s Day. You get to tell somebody “I love you.”… it coincides with the beginning of baseball’s Spring Training… and it’s not very expensive.

There’s a history to Valentine’s Day. Seems there was a priest named Valentinus who lost his head courtesy of Claudius the Cruel on February 14 in the year 269 A.D. Supposedly Father V. healed his jailer’s blind daughter, fell in love with her, and left a note for her in his cell the night before his execution, saying, “I love you…from your Valentine.”

Holy people’s involvement with romance continues to this day. “Christian” web sites now sell Valentine’s Day cards from GOD! Seems to me that’s unfair competition for a mortal Louie-Louie Generation guy.

There’s now a competing “Day.” It’s called “Singles Awareness Day,” SAD for short. So “Happy S.A.D. Day” for people who don’t get a Valentine’s Day kiss…or at least a card.

But I must confess, I think S.A.D. is sad. Men and women belong together. There are some exceptions, of course, and God bless them too. Let’s just say lovers belong together.

Here’s my problem. I took a post Valentine’s Day “Exit Poll” this year. And the results were a real shocker to me. More than 90 percent of the people I asked…of both sexes…just kinda blew Cupid off…and I don’t mean that as a pun. “Oh…was that Valentine’s Day?” was by far the most common answer. What a shame.

That little guy’s arrows can be weapons of mass destruction. You’ve got to have guts to stand up to Cupid’s arrows. You sure can get hurt. Something very powerful inside you has to say…”he/she is worth taking this very big risk.”

There is a difference between a relationship and a romance. A relationship develops.  A romance explodes. Businesses have relationships. Only lovers have romances.

I think in everybody’s life, there is…or was…or will be…some…”Wild Thing who makes your heart sing”…as the Troggs used to say.

Sometimes there’s only one “Wild Thing” lover left in a romance. That hurts, but it’s ok. Memories count. Sometimes there’s only one “Wild Thing” lover who’s still looking for a romance. That hurts too. But it’s also ok. “Seek and ye shall find.”

But it looks like right now…according to my poll…an awful lot of people…even ones in “good relationships”… have “Lost That Lovin’ Feeling”…that “Wild Thing” song inside. That’s a big loss. A terrible quiet. A deadly power failure.

Do you suppose that some of it…maybe most of it…is due to a lack of guts? Are so many people just too scared to just stand up straight and tell Cupid to take his best shot?

I hope you took my suggestion and sent an anonymous Valentine’s Day card to someone who probably won’t get one. If you did, please let me know what kind of results you got. ( ). If you didn’t…it’s not too late. Maybe it’s never too late. Try it and see… if you’ve got the guts.

Dick’s Details Quiz – All the answers are in the current PodCast at

1- Not washing your hands can help you catch cold. What can help you catch warm?

2- How much does the “Average American” eat in a year?

3- What naughty thing do 3/4 of American women do with their bras?


3 – right – “Bogie” and Bergman

2 – right – Anthony and Cleopatra

1 – right – Romeo and Juliet

0 – right – Bill and Monica

Some people don’t bother with Valentine’s Day because they say, “I’m too old for that kind of thing.” To which Big Louie…his own bad self says, “You’re not too old for loving as long as you still have enough moving parts.”

I know some Louie-Louie Generation ladies who do pretty well with Valentine’s Day celebrations. Some of you add some zip to the evening with Saran Wrap and other common household products. Some of you know how to give guys the kind of looks we could pour on our pancakes.

But lots of Louie-Louie Generation guys drop the ball. Too bad. There are plenty of good examples available to follow. Like Bogart in “Casablanca.” He didn’t tell Bergman what a big shot he was. He didn’t try to impress her with a fancy car. He didn’t flash a lot of cash.

It was sixty years ago…World War 2 was exploding…movies were in black and white. Bogart didn’t try to impress Ingrid Bergman with his money, or a fancy car, or his stud-hood. She was arguably the most beautiful woman in the world at the time…and he was kind of a lumpy looking guy with big ears. But he simply lifted a glass and said, “Here’s looking at YOU, kid.” And suddenly, the screen was full of her eyes. He made their story all about her. And she made him the story’s hero.

The first arrow Cupid shot at me had the name Jeannie on it. I was 6, she was 7. It left a little scar. It hurt a little. But it taught me I could take a little hurting. It sure wasn’t stupid. That’s an important lesson. Through the years, some of that little guy’s arrows with other names on them went pretty deep. Lots of boo-boos needed to be kissed. Fortunately, my Lady Wonder Wench is a first class boo-boo kisser.

Hey Wonder Wench…Here’s looking at you, kid. Thank you …

The Dick Summer Connection – February 10, 2008

Saturday, February 9th, 2008

My Lady Wonder Wench and I have been out of town at my buddy Geoff’s wedding to his lady Joanne. It was just for a few days, but when we got back I felt like a butcher who backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. Geoff is about 6.8 and weighs around 360 pounds. So I call him Tinkerbell. Like a lot of big New York guys, he’s smart and noisy and pushy. But also like a lot of big New York guys…he knows how to be a real friend…when times get tough. And Geoff and I have been through some tough times together.

Geoff has promised to lose some weight and get himself into better shape for Joanne. He started going to a gym once…but I think he got kicked out for pulling a groin muscle…and knowing Geoff’s habits in those days… it probably wasn’t his own groin muscle.

Actually, like most of us, I think he simply has to change his eating habits. He claims anything you eat over the sink doesn’t have calories. One of his problems is that he does a lot of business at lunches and dinners. When you eat out a lot, you tend to pack on the pounds.

I’ve found one way to cut down when you’re at a restaurant, if you’re interested. You excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. That sign you always see in there that says “Employees must wash hands before leaving,” always does it for me. I keep hoping the head chef checks employee fingernails before he lets them go back to work. And that sign doesn’t cover all the problems I can think of, either. I mean, why don’t they say “Employees must wash hands, and for God’s sake, stop spitting in the soup.” See what I mean? It cuts your appetite.

Geoff also spends way too much time sitting at his computer. He was one of the first guys I knew to use a computer. And he really loves it. I don’t. I don’t trust them. You must never let a computer know when you’re in a hurry, because they’ll always hit you with a screen that says “No program to provide this command can be found. Please contact the computer manufacturer.” Right. In other words, get on the phone to India.

You know how I think a computer can answer in a few seconds mathematical questions that would take you a million years to work out? You know how they do that? They make the answers up. That’s all. They figure you’ll never spend a million years checking up on them.

But this wedding has been an eye opener for me. I haven’t been big on religion since I realized how fortunate it is that the church’s stand against surrogate motherhood didn’t start until AFTER Christ was born…because I like Christmas. And big church weddings can really make you wish life had a fast forward button on it.

However… not this time. I’ve seen a lot of pain in Geoff’s face… lying in a hospital with his life on the line…and when his first wife told him she’s leaving…and when he had to lay his step-dad Dutch to rest. So it was good to see him smiling at his wedding. A little nervous…but smiling… sitting in his wheel chair…all duded up in a tent-size tux.

And Joanne’s a keeper. She’s had it tough, too. But at the wedding, she was looking all wedding day pretty…a white dress with a real trail and pearls…and pretty girl things…and of course, something borrowed and something blue…smiling…and loving the big guy who gives her his big strong heart to hide in.

As I said, I’m not big on religion. But there were some lines in the service from the Song of Solomon that anybody who has been through some tough times…but still has the guts to fall in love… ought to hear. “Arise my love, my fair one, and come away; for now the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come.”

Dick’s Details Quiz – All the answers are in the current PodCast at  .

1- Why was the late Pope John Paul a basketball under-achiever?

2- What kind of music should buzzards record?

3- What is America’s Number One wedding song?


3 – right – Bride/Groom

2 – right – Maid of Honor/Best Man

1 – right – Parent of the Bride/Groom

0 – right – Ex Boyfriend/Girlfriend

One last Valentine’s Day reminder…Geoff and Joanne just joined some of the lucky lovers among us. It’ll be a good Valentine’s Day for them. Also for my buddy Al and his wife Vigi, and for Randy and Bernadette next door… and for my Lady Wonder Wench and me…and for a lot of other couples. But there are a lot of un-coupled good people who have to feel pretty…alone…on a day like Valentine’s Day. So why not take a minute, and a few cents…and send a Valentine’s Day card to somebody you know who is…un-coupled…this year. Just sign it “from an admirer.” It couldn’t hurt. And as it says in the “Song of Solomon”… every heart can use a little song…a little spring.

What do you think? My email address is 

The Dick Summer Connection – February 3, 2008

Sunday, February 3rd, 2008

Just got back from almost a full week with some good friends at my buddy Geoff’s wedding. I was a “Groomsman.” Pretty ugly thought “grooming” my buddy Geoff. His pretty lady JoAnne’s friends gave her a “shower.” We groomsmen just went over Geoff with an art gum eraser and a whisk broom. It was fun, but now I have to pay for it by trying to catch up on about a week’s worth of work, plus of course, being good UhMerikans, my Lady Wonder Wench and I will go Super Bowling tonight.

So this “Connection” will be super short. Mostly I just want to tell you we’ll be back with a full version in a few days, and to let you know that we’re re-running one of my favorite Podcasts this week. It’s about a magic evening with a dragon, and three folks none of us, including you, have seen in years.

Please check out the current podcast at

 And please send someone who won’t be getting a Valentine Day card from anybody else something nice for February 14. Do it anonymously, and watch the reaction.

Be back at you soon.