I’m sitting here, like a lump, in my big, comfortable, black leather pappa chair in my living room. I wasn’t always a lump. Before my leg attacked me, I moved like a puma. I thought exercising my leg would make it work just fine again, but I was wrong. It just didn’t happen. Picture running up and down steps like Rocky…ok …now try to picture it without being able to bend your knees.
Besides myself, elephants are the only other mammals that can’t bend their knees. And they look terrible in running shorts.
I used to move like a big cat. A leopard would be a good example. So would a mountain lion, or a cougar, or a panther. All those cats are called pumas. They all feature a sly smile, a pet-able purr, and more pounce to the ounce. That’s the way I was till this leg attacked me. And I will be again.
In fact, let’s start a new movement among the Louie-Louie Generation. We’ll call it the “Puma People of America.” It’ll be for Louie-Louie Generation folks who like to move like big cats, like having our backs rubbed, and spend as much time as possible brushing against certain nicely turned legs.
The Puma People of America. If you want to join, you have to take the Puma People Pledge. You must do at least one “Puma Person Pounce” per week. For example: If you meet a nice lady at a bar, you might help her out of such a dangerous environment by inviting her to the safety of your apartment. And if you are that nice lady, and you are a Puma Person, you will pounce on the invitation…so to speak.
What do you think? Are you in ?
That should be fun. And thinking about having more pounce to the ounce will give me a little more incentive to go get this thing done. Knee replacement sounds ugly, because it is. Why couldn’t they call it something a little more pleasant. Why couldn’t they call it capping your knee for example. It’s a much nicer picture.
Lots of my friends are trying to cheer me up. They keep telling me, “You’ll wish you had it done ten years ago.” Hey…you… friends…are you wearing your mail order contacts backwards, or have you run out of chocolate and valium again. I DO WISH I HAD IT DONE TEN YEARS AGO. Then I wouldn’t have to have it done this week.
I went for a pre-operation check up today. Nobody was smiling. The lady at the desk printed out a bunch of labels. I said what’s that for. She said those are patient stickers. I said I thought the nurses with the needles were the patient stickers. She didn’t smile.
They put me on a treadmill, and said “run.” I did. And the doctor started a stopwatch. I said what’s the record for this thing. He said 27 minutes. I said ok, and I must admit my leg made me hop more than run, but I was game. I have always been highly competitive.
It started when I was a sperm, and I successfully won a swimming race against a zillion other sperm swimmers…that’s why I’m here today. I played a lot of competitive sports when I was a kid. Kids in Brooklyn made up competitive games. When people put their Christmas trees out on the street in January, we would set fire to them, and you’d have to burn all the needles off using only one match. Which meant you had to start at the bottom, then pick the tree up by the trunk and hold it up straight to get the needles at the top. It was a competition to see who could get all the needles and who couldn’t.
Even when I eat my breakfast cereal, I have to compete with myself. The last spoonful in the dish has to have at least one cereal flake and a little milk. That takes timing.
So there I was in the hospital. I was happily huffing and hopping…and at 12 minutes he stopped the treadmill. I said “Why did you do that…I was doing fine. I was going for a new record…28 minutes.” He said “You did fine…for a guy your age.”
FOR A GUY MY AGE!
If he had been standing a little closer, I’d have grabbed his stethoscope and blown revile right in his ear. It’s hard to come up with a funny line when your fists are clenched that tight, so I just said, “Wait till I become a Puma Person again.” He didn’t smile either.
Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in thc current podcast.
1- Why will I be snoring big time when my operation is done?
2- What’s my problem with romantic monkees ?
3- What keep an octopus from becoming a cheerleader ?
Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
The Puma People of America. More pounce to the ounce. I like that. There’s a certain amount of grace to that thought. And it’s a little sexy. You could set it to music and call it “The Tiger Tango.” Get some body like Catherine Zeta Jones to dance it like she did in that Zoro movie. There’s a story about a dancer who was moving like a puma in the Night Connections personal audio cd. It’s called, The Tiny Dancer. Just like George Harrison said…there was something in the way she moved…I think her ex was kicking himself when he saw her. Good. Sometimes a boot in the behind can be a step forward. The story of a Tiny Dancer is from the Night Connections personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep this podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just go back to www.dicksummer.com and download it from the Night Connections icon on the opening page.
I guess inside every Louie-Louie Generation person, there’s a kid wondering what happened. Sometimes it’s hard to remember what Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation always says: “When some pimple person gives you a hard time, don’t get even…get odd.” That’s good advice. Good advice is good.
Baseball players are always giving advice. The current big leaguers are always doing commercials saying, “Don’t do drugs.” Ex-Big-Leaguers do commercials saying…”here…drink this beer.” And Louie-Louie Generation ball players do commercials saying, “Hey, take this pill and go have sex.”
Now if you don’t think those of us who are members of the Louie Louie Generation know what we’re talking about…let me ask you…if you’re a Puma Person, which of those three pieces of advice sounds like the most fun to you.
My son David will be doing next week’s podcast. He’s our podcast master…and besides being a senior computer programmer, he’s also a professional musician. Dave has his own website and podcast. It’s at David@Summersong.net I have no idea what he’s going to do for the Good Night podcast, but I’m willing to bet you’re going to like it.
And my Lady Wonder Wench will be writing next week’s blog. She’s a published novelist, and she’s been my wife and girlfriend for a long time. I don’t know what she’s going to write about. But when I asked her to write the blog because I’m going to be in the hospital, she gave me a very strange smile. So I think that will be good too.
Wish me luck. I’m off to Puma Person Hood.