Has it ever occurred to you that the smartest guys think in opposites. Check out today’s podcast. For example take the guy who packaged the batteries I just bought on line. They’re totally encased in plastic so thick that I had to cut if with a pair of wire cutters. It was essentially a plastic battery chastity belt. But when I dug the batteries out and put them in the flashlight, they didn’t work. I wanted to send them back, but the invoice from the guy who sold them says, “All returns must be in original packaging.” Smart guy. He thinks in opposites. Thinking in opposites changed my mind about the guy at the drug store who sold me a bottle of cotton with a few Tylenol pills in the bottom. Instead of getting torqued about the big bottle and the tiny bunch of pills I started thinking…maybe I could make a nice warm winter coat out of that big ball of cotton, then I wouldn’t catch cold, and I wouldn’t have to buy any more Tylenol. I’ve got to learn to think in opposites all the time. For example, will everything east of the San Andreas fault eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean?
Archive for January, 2016
Today’s podcast proves WE ARE NOT DOOMED, no matter what the “Smart Guys On TV” tell us. We don’t have to run and hide. And think about so many good things that are going on in most of our lives. Warm water splashing down on your head in a shower…a good giggle from an inside joke some friend tells you…someone reminding you you’re a winner when you’re having a tough time…waking up, looking at the alarm clock, and realizing you have another hour to sleep…getting a hug…giving one back…watching a video of the late great Whitney Houston singing “I Will Always Love You” on UTube… taking a kid to a zoo and making faces at the monkeys…a hammock under some trees in the Summer…and going for a swim at a Summer beach…maybe building a bonfire there after dark…and sharing it with someone you care about…a pretty lady wearing sheer satin sleeves in the candlelight. Good stuff. We are not doomed folks. We don’t have to run and hide. Don’t be scared to let the little kid in you out to play today…every day…tell him we’re winners…take him to the zoo and make faces at the monkeys. We’re going to be just fine.
This is a story from a proud podcast person by the name of Bob. It’s REALLY worth reading:
TGIF so it’s time for Dick’s Details from today’s Podcast: American Airlines has announced that it saved $40,000 by eliminating one olive from first class salads last year. That must have been one huge olive. If the answer is “At a book store filed under fiction,” what is the question? There are more than 635 trillion possible hands in a game of bridge. My Lady Wonder Wench claims she used to date a guy who had more hands than that. 3 Mile Island is only 2 ½ miles long. Sure now…but what was it before that nuke plant blew up. Approximately 50,000 courier pigeons fought in WW 2. I guess they flew around till they spotted a newly waxed enemy tank, and then it was bombs away. Oh yeah…if the answer is “At a book store filed under fiction,” the question is “Where can an ordinary guy find a Catherine Zeta Jones look alike who’s crazy to have sex with him?” Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
The “smart guys” on TV are telling us, “The American Dream is doomed.” I don’t believe them. They’re trying to scare us so they can get us to do what they want us to do. As Big Louie, the head guy of the Louie Louie Generation says in today’s podcast…”Hey smart guys…B.S.” I believe the American Dream is a little different for each and every one of us. And for those of us who aren’t afraid of the “smart guys” on TV…those of us who like to dream…it’s very much alive and doing pretty well. And by the way, when did the word “Dreamer” become an accusation…some kind of snide remark? As I mentioned in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, “Honesty = the truth + maybe. And remember, it’s the “Maybe” that feeds our dreams. Dreamers have an interesting history. Not that long ago people were saying, “Boiled milk? Louie Pasteur you’ve got to be kidding.” How about, “Of course the earth is flat. Just open your eyes and look.” And while we’re at it, notice how the sun spins around the earth…and land a man on the moon?…only in some silly story. “Honesty = the truth + maybe. And it’s the “Maybe” that keeps our dreams alive. Our personal dreams…and the American Dream we’re all lucky enough to share… those of us who aren’t afraid of the “smart guys” on TV.
The “Smart Guys” are telling us “We are doomed.” That comment is usually followed by, “Send me money so I can save you,” or “Vote for me so I can save you.” They may be doomed, but I am not doomed and unless you believe them you are not doomed either. I look forward to not being doomed for quite a while. I believe I’ll be completely alive on the day I die. Lots of other things I believe are in today’s podcast…things like I believe in magic, and Santa Claus…after all Santa Claus is magic. Without his magic, Christmas Eve would be just another cold, dark Winter night. I believe that men and women are different because we’re supposed to be different. That’s why the people who make a living acting who happen to be women are actresses, not actors. There’s nothing wrong with being an actress. There’s also nothing wrong with being a girl. I believe that if it’s ok for me to call the middle aged guys I hang out with at the airport “The boys,” it’s ok for me to call the grown up women my Lady Wonder Wench hangs out with at the needlepoint shop “The girls.” I believe in wooden baseball bats, because I love the way your hands feel and the sound they make when you hit a fastball right on the sweet spot. I believe farts are funny. I believe…in lots of stuff that has nothing to do with being doomed. If you do too, please forget what the “Smart Guys” are telling you, and take a listen to today’s podcast instead.
My Lady Wonder Wench just wrote this:
We are going to Spring Training again this year but it doesn’t start until March. So we have baseball movies of every sort and we watch them until . . . Every movie makes me smile, of course, but there is one baseball game which has no movie that I know of and still, when I think of it, my heart plays such a lovely tune for me. It’s the first New York Metropolitans’ (aka NY Mets) game played in New York after 9/11. We watched it, of course, on television (we don’t live close enough anymore) and every play, every ball thrown and caught and hit was so special. But the homerun that Mike Piazza hit – every homer that man hit had a special sound – THAT ball made a sound that had to have been heard around the world. It was solid and loud and strong and GOING somewhere. It was a nose-thumbing, laugh-out-loud, get outta my way, here I come, bragging-rights punch in the eye for everyone who might have thought New Yorkers especially and Americans everywhere were down and out for the count.
I have never been able to thank Mr. Piazza for the great lift of pride he gave me and everyone else who heard that homerun. So – Thank you, Mike, for hitting that homerun, even if it still makes me cry.
Special request – If any of you know how to get this to Mike Piazza, would you please let me know at firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks.
Now that the big snow job is over, the TV Smart Guys will be back talking about which politician will get the most carcasses at the caucuses. Almost all the messages are based on the same idea: “Unless you vote for me, we are doomed. Doomed I tell you. Also…send money.” In my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, and in today’s podcast, Big Louie, the head guy of the Louie Louie Generation says…”B.S.” And I agree. I am not doomed, and do not plan on being doomed for quite some time. I plan on being alive on the day I die. How about you?
Today’s podcast is all about calming down. All the smart guys are telling us, “We are doomed. Run and hide.” Stephen Hawking the famous scientist says, “We are doomed because the artificial intelligence we are creating will take over and kill us, or we will be wiped out by a giant asteroid.” Lots of politicians are telling us “We are doomed because the terrorists are coming to get us.” Other politicians are telling us “Our coastal cities are doomed because of climate change.”It seems like most TV shows are about murder and blood, and the commercials in them tell us we are doomed if we don’t take their pills with names I can’t pronounce. Lots of holy people tell us we are doomed because we have been mighty naughty. But I say, “Fear not faithful friends. As Big Louie, the head guy of the Louie Louie Generation says in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot and I quote: “Hey Smart Guys…B.S.” And I agree.