Archive for February, 2012


Saturday, February 25th, 2012

I am sitting in my big, comfortable, black leather, manly poppa chair in my living room, growing a new, thicker, and more tangled crop of chest hair, stifiling the screams of agony coming from some shocked muscles that thought they had retired several spring trainings ago, and reveling in the smell of sweat and gasoline that’s sinking up the old jeans I’m wearing.

I spent the afternoon in a Manly way. I was felling trees with my chain saw. Then I tossed huge logs into piles that stacked all the way to the roof. Well…part of the way. Then, when I was sure my Lady Wonder Wench was watching out the window, I stalked all over the property for signs of bears or other predatory wild life, which haven’t actually been seen here since the James Madison administration…but my Lady Wonder Wench was watching, so I figured I’d go stalking around with my shotgun ready…just in case. All in an afternoon’s work for a Manly Louie-Louie Generation guy.

I love revving up that chain saw. Every time I do it, I know she’s watching out the window. And when I came in after felling the trees, clearing the property, and protecting her from saber tooth squirrels, I noticed a little quiver in her voice when she said, “Oh my God are you all right?” My manly reply was of course a simple, “Of course woman”… spoken in my most resonant bass-baritone voice.

But I sometimes wonder if she’s faking it. Because my friend Charles the Lawyer called while I was out there being manly. All she told him was “I was, out in the yard.” “I was OUT IN THE YARD.” “I was OUT IN THE YARD” is like saying the guy who won the Indy 500 was out driving around. “I was out in the yard”…right…like Babe Ruth was a baseball player. Like Donald Trump has hair. I was out in the yard.  

As you guys know, it is sometimes difficult for a Louie-Louie Generation guy like me to get his wife’s attention. In a good way I mean. In a manly way. I have often gotten my wife’s attention in less positive ways. Like the Saturday morning last year when she noticed my college buddy Jerry coming down our driveway, with his wife…and five kids…and I realized I hadn’t mentioned they were coming…for the weekend. I don’t know why things like that sometimes slip my mind. Or while we were in an airliner at 35,000 feet, going 500 miles per hour on our way down to Florida to watch a week of spring training a couple of years ago, and she asked me where I had put the tickets…and they were still pinned to the bulletin board in the kitchen. That got her attention. And I remember once observing to her that her friend Rose is really built. I shouldn’t have done that. And for some reason she absolutely refuses to pay any attention to me…and in fact she often runs out of the room, every time I say…”WATCH THIS.”

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast,

1-    We get around 41 miles to the gallon…of what ?

2-    What kind of merit badge did the older girl scouts get during WW2 ?

3-    When did the Post Office make it official that babies are delivered by storks?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

I’m a sexist. I like being manly. I can take my shirt off on a hot day. Nobody stops telling an off color joke when I walk into a room. I can open applesauce jars. I get to look at my Lady Wonder Wench…she’s got to look at me. As far as I’m concerned, chocolate is just another snack. I looked up manly in a thesaurus, and here’s what it says the word means: Audacious, bold, brave, confident, daring, dauntless, dignified, fearless, firm, gallant, hardy, heroic, hunk, muscular, noble, powerful, resolute, robust, self reliant, stately, strong, Stud, vigorous. Virile. Yes. I liked that. Especially that stud part. But then it added a word that blew it for me. Macho.

Macho is not manly. Macho is for wimps who are trying to impress the other guys. They’ are so afraid of the other guys…they strut, and make a lot of noise…and they don’t do the number one thing a guy is supposed to do…take care of women…and especially one woman. They’ll tell you women can take care of them selves. And that’s true. Some of these same words can apply to the best of women. Bold, brave, noble, resolute, self reliant, stately, strong…but there’s a word that macho guys always miss. It’s a word that figures prominently in that document that the manly guys in the powdered wigs and funny hats wrote in Philadelphia all those years ago…”We pledge our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor…” Our sacred honor.

What an honor it is when a woman who can take care of herself, trusts a man enough to allow him to protect her. I guess one of the many fears that a macho guy must have is that he won’t be up to the job. He won’t be able to protect her. So he won’t try. Wimp. There’s a story about a guy who’s facing exactly that threat, in the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio CD, and in the current podcast. It’s called, “Not Again.”

I wrote that from first hand experience. It’s hard…losing your job…for the most manly of men. So much of what you think you’re worth comes from doing your job well…if you’re not careful when you get fired, you can actually lose track of yourself. Especially when there’s a woman in your life who does you the honor of letting you protect her…and you have to tell her…you lost your job. That’s tough for the woman too. You know what my Lady Wonder Wench said when I got fired at NBC radio? She said, “You will always be THE Dick Summer.” She wasn’t going to let me lose myself. 

“Not Agan” is from the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, download it from the Night Connections 2 icon on the home page.

I didn’t really cut down a lot of trees today. Just one…little one. And the pile of wood was really about enough for one long winter night’s fire. And my Lady Wonder Wench probably giggled about my stalking any stray saber tooth squirrels with my shotgun. But that chain saw really does get her attention. Vroom, vroom. Manly. Bold, brave, noble, resolute, self reliant, stately and strong. Manly. And actually womanly too.

So what makes the difference between manly and womanly. Testosterone, I guess. If you want to be manly, you’ve got to be a decent person, and have enough guts to trust your testosterone.

That stuff really grows the hair on your chest too.

Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

That digital alarm goes off one more time … the answer to that should be, “and I’ll break it.”

He doesn’t really need a way to say goodbye on the telephone.  Ask any of our kids and they’ll tell you:  he just hands the thing off to me, saying to them, “Here, talk to Barb …”and walks away.   Doesn’t matter if they were in the middle of saying something important, he just stops.  Even Big Louie has a better telephone manner.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to continue, but as he says, he doesn’t really know how to end it.

Simple.  If you must stop, interrupt with, “Talk to you later.  ‘Bye now.”

Of course, you could always drop the phone …

If you’re wondering what I’m talking about, give the podcast a listen.

Digital Decoy

Saturday, February 18th, 2012

I just came up with a statement that can save you about six years of your life. Think of it this way: If you put all your phone conversations together, I figure it takes you about six years to get off a call with somebody you like. It’s not a problem with somebody you don’t care about, like a telemarketer, or someone to whom you owe money, or worse yet a politician…you just say goodbye and hang up. But when it’s somebody you like, you find yourself saying things like, “Hey, I better let you go,” or “See ya around,” or “Take care…drive carefully,” or “Take it easy”…you know, words that are just noise. It used to be that you could say, “Hey, I have to go piddle.” But now people know you’re on a wireless phone, and that’s not really an excuse. You could say, “I just noticed the house is on fire.” But that would require quite an explanation the next time your friend came to visit. One lady I know used to say, “Whoops, my husband just pulled into the driveway.” But that only works under special circumstances. One time I tried, “Sadly I must leave you, because my hair just caught fire, and I have to go soak my head.” But I never heard from that guy again.

No. What we have needed for so long is the opposite of the word…”Hello.” A catch all statement that definitively puts an end to a phone conversation without offending anybody, or making you lie…too much. A simple but effective statement to terminate a phone conversation with any one without hurting any feelings. A statement so simple, emphatic and believeable, that even one of the Pimple People would understand. A statement with class, with feeling, with urgency. In short a statement that any Louie-Louie Generation guy or gal can use with confidence, clarity, and even a touch of élan.

It must be a statement that we can make to a friend, a relative, or to the guy asking for contributions to the local Police Benefit fund, without hurting anybody’s feelings. A statement you can make comfortably, even when the only real reason you have to end a conversation is that it has simply gone on too long. And it came to me…just now while I was sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room, talking with my buddy Al on the phone. Actually I was mostly listening to my buddy Al, who has been known to go on for long enough to need three battery changes for my wireless phone in a single phone conversation. He can talk for about five minutes without taking a breath. But he’s a buddy…and you don’t just say goodbye and hang up on a buddy.

Would you like me to tell you what that one simple statement that can end a conversation politely, firmly and with a pretty good chance that after you use it, when you call your friend back, you won’t always get his answering machine?


Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-   Why is Zhejiang a good place to go on a heavy date ?

2-   What’s the matter with 25% of Americans ?

3-   Why won’t I let an archeologist near my hamburger ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

It says in the Bible…”Many are called, but few are called back.” Or something like that. Actually, I think you’ll agree with me that there are very few people who don’t become more interesting when they stop talking. So here it is. The one statement that can make your friends more interesting on the telephone. The opposite of the word, “Hello.”

When you want to end a phone conversation with someone you like, you just wait till your friend takes a breath, and you jump in and say…”Whoops…my digital just beeped. I’ve got to go. I’ll call you tomorrow.” And you hang up quickly. Zap. Done. Over. And nobody will be offended, because who wants to argue with your digital ? Nobody. It’s perfect. Copy this down…”Whoops, my digital just beeped. I’ve got to go.” Then hang up quickly.  

It’s the answer to not wanting to hurt your friend’s feelings by letting the answering machine take his call, because you just don’t want to talk right now. “Whoops, my digital just beeped. I’ve got to go.” Then hang up quickly. Sometimes even women don’t want to talk. Sometimes. Women say they like to talk more than we do, because they have more to say than we do, because they are smarter than men. Oh yeah…I always say. Oh yeah ? If she’s smarter than me, how come she married me and I married her. Huh ? Answer me that.

Of course, sometimes guys should be a lot more careful about the way we talk. There’s a story about that in the ( Night Connections) Personal Audio album, and in the current podcast. It’s called, “Mr. Small Talk.”

Some women get stuck being roll around in the mud Tom Boy types. Other women are the frilly, frilly type. The woman in this story wasn’t a type. She was…herself. And he was…amazed. She was a good girl…for a long time…but in that instant…when he looked at her that way…in that instant…the good girl became a hurt, and wanting woman. There are some people who will listen to this story and…understand.

“Mr. Small Talk is from the “Bedtime Stories” personal audio cd. If you like it you can just keep the current podcast, or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections icon on the home page.

Oh my gosh. I’ve really enjoyed our time together, but my digital just beeped. I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you again next time.

Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, February 15th, 2012

Hey, Louie-Louie Lad of mine … here is definitely looking at all of you, my dear … (and there is so MUCH to look at!) … There is no SAD here … you should see all the little but delicious candy boxes he left for me all over the place …

So Pimple People have outgrown Cupid … yeah, well, they’ll get it in the neck someday when those female type pimple people begin to wake up and SEE that a little bit of caring goes a long way to making life just slightly better than it was …

Come on, guys, don’t let me down.  Show the world what real love and caring are all about.  Find a girl … woman … lady … she … and … well, just find her.  Or the other way, Lasses … find that guy … boy … gentleman … him … and … well, just find him.

Make me proud, all of ya …

And go listen to my Louie-Louie Lad’s podcast. You’ll like it.

Wonder Wench Writes

Monday, February 13th, 2012

There was a magnificent blue crane beside the road today, just gazing at the world with that disdain such glorious birds show.  To coin a phrase, he made my heart sing.

There is a most marvelous commercial on television with a very lovely black-haired wench (oh, I don’t KNOW she’s a wench, but she looks like one) who fixes her dress and says with a slight accent, give and ye shall receive … well, along those lines anyway … and it jiggles Dick’s whatsis ‘cause she does it so well.

Is there anyone out there who doesn’t know Valentine’s Day is about here?  Love is in the air … yahoo …

And just to keep Big Louie in his place, my Lad is taking me to the Farmhouse again this year for dinner.  There is no finer restaurant in the area and I, of course, love it.

Happy Valentine’s Day, group … And listen to my Lad’s Valentine Day podcast. You’ll like it. LWW

Saturday, February 11th, 2012

Valentine’s Day is a great excuse for some extra hugging, and kissing, and general fooling around. I have heard that some people get so carried away they even hug the nearest tree. Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation puts that into perspective. He always says, “It’s ok to hug a tree. As long as that’s as far as it goes.” And at the other extreme are a couple of guys I know who just ignore Valentine’s Day. I guess they’ve just grown up too much to enjoy themselves anymore. And of course, there are quite a few folks who are taking another heavy hit to the heart  this Valentine’s Day. And unfortunately, it’s true that sometimes…the hottest loves end in the coldest words. That’s tough. I’ve been lucky. The last time that happened to me was with a blonde. Blue eyes. We were in Kindergarten. Her name was Joanie. And she didn’t even open my Valentine’s Day card. Kind of made me feel like just another sock in the laundromat of life. That was a long time ago, and I’ve pretty much gotten over it. Mostly. Pretty much.

I’d like to give you something special for Valentine’s Day. So…you know how some people make their own Valentine’s Day cards out of fancy paper and ribbons ? Well I made a little Valentine’s Day gift for you on the current podcast. Maybe you’ll take a moment to listen.

Cupid isn’t stupid. As a card carrying “Louie-Louie Generation” guy, I’ve had enough of his arrows stuck in my backside to re-supply the Indians at Custer’s last stand. And some of those arrows really hurt. But somehow… you kiss the boo-boo…learn a lesson… and move on. Or better yet, you get someone else to kiss the boo-boo for you. The important thing is… you learn a lesson. One of the most important lessons you can learn…is that sometimes it’s just time to move on…which is a hard lesson. But it’s anything but stupid.

And sometimes you get lucky enough to learn that you better dig your heels in, get the boo-boo kissing done and over with…and never let someone go…ever…no matter how much hurting is involved…because that person is worth dying for. Or even more important…living for.

I like Valentine’s Day. You get to tell somebody “I love you.”… it coincides with the beginning of baseball’s Spring Training… and it’s not very expensive.

There’s a history to Valentine’s Day. Seems there was a priest named Valentinus who lost his head courtesy of Claudius the Cruel on February 14 in the year 269 A.D. Supposedly Father V. healed his jailer’s blind daughter, fell in love with her, and left a note for her in his cell the night before his execution, saying, “I love you…from your Valentine.”

Holy people’s involvement with romance continues to this day. “Christian” web sites now sell Valentine’s Day cards from GOD! Seems to me that’s unfair competition for a mortal Louie-Louie Generation guy.

There’s now a competing “Day.” It’s called “Singles Awareness Day,” SAD for short. So “Happy S.A.D. Day” for people who don’t get a Valentine’s Day kiss…or at least a card.

But I must confess, I think S.A.D. is sad. Men and women belong together. There are some exceptions, of course, and God bless them too. Let’s just say lovers belong together.

Here’s my problem. I took a post Valentine’s Day “Exit Poll” this year. And the results were a real shocker to me. More than 90 percent of the people I asked…of both sexes…just kinda blew Cupid off. “Oh…was that Valentine’s Day?” was by far the most common answer. What a shame.

That little guy’s arrows can be weapons of mass destruction. You’ve got to have guts to stand up to Cupid’s arrows. You sure can get hurt. Something very powerful inside you has to say…”he/she is worth taking this very big risk.” There’s a story about that in the current podcast.

There is a difference between a relationship and a romance. A relationship develops. A romance explodes. Businesses have relationships. Only lovers have romances.

Dick’s Details Quiz –

1- Not washing your hands can help you catch cold. What can help you catch warm?

2- How much does the “Average American” eat in a year?

3- What naughty thing do 3/4 of American women do with their bras?


3 – right – “Bogie” and Bergman

2 – right – Anthony and Cleopatra

1 – right – Romeo and Juliet

0 – right – Bill and Monica

Lots of Louie-Louie Generation guys drop the ball. Too bad. There are plenty of good examples available to follow. Like Bogart in “Casablanca.” World War 2 was exploding…movies were in black and white. Bogart didn’t try to impress Ingrid Bergman with his money, or a fancy car, or his stud-hood. She was arguably the most beautiful woman in the world at the time…and he was kind of a lumpy looking guy with big ears. But he simply lifted a glass and said, “Here’s looking at YOU, kid.” And suddenly, the screen was full of her eyes.

Hey Wonder Wench…Here’s looking at you, kid. Thank you

 I’ve been called a hopeless romantic. And I’ve thought about that a lot. It seems to me that the only way you can be a romantic is if you are full of hope. So full of hope, that you can warm somebody else with the feeling of it. If that somebody else has walked away, I hope you won’t let your memories freeze your hope to death. Love is contagious. You can never tell when you’ll catch some.

If you think our Valentine’s Day card podcast might put a smile on the face of some of your facebook friends, that would be fine by me. And if they’re feeling kind of down…tell them what Big Louie always says…”Don’t let the loving that’s disappearing in your rear view mirror get in the way of the loving that might be waiting right down the next block.”


Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, February 8th, 2012

And they wonder why we consider them Neolithic apes …


Oh, Big Louie, just once I would like to see a pregnant man … and our daughter has shoveled snow WITHOUT A SNOW BLOWER OR A GUY … and if we didn’t keep,track of things like bills to pay, they wouldn’t get paid …

Obviously I could go on forever …monthly periods, menopause (MENopause?), cooking in the damned hot kitchen on Super Bowl Sunday, laundry… yeah, we just stand around and collect an itty bitty diamond to show how much they appreciate us …



Saturday, February 4th, 2012

It’s leap year, but I am not leaping from my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair, because I have found that I don’t bounce nearly as well as I used to. That’s such an athletic word…leap. It suggests a finely muscled athlete… perhaps in a leotard…soaring into the air. I don’t mind doing the soaring, but I don’t like being sore, so it’s the crashing back to the ground that sometimes bothers me.

Some guys go leaping out of an airplane hanging on to a parachute, which is essentially a pair of chubby lady’s pantyhose. Basketball players leap a lot. So do baseball outfielders. And ballet dancers. The extra day in leap year…February 29th is called leap day. It’s put there to keep the calendar balanced. If we didn’t do that we’d eventually be celebrating Christmas with Fourth of July barbecues.

Leap day sounds so…energetic. Very New York City. We like to do our own thing in New York. We even have our own language. The word dare, for example, means not here. Decay is the letter that comes after de j. The stuff that comes out of the sink is woada. When you talk about hhhea, you mean your girlfriend. And urine is the opposite of you’re out. My lady Wonder Wench says guys from New York have a particular kind of walk. She says it’s a swinging your arms kind of strut. I never noticed it till she mentioned it…and I saw reflection of myself in a shop window while I was crossing a street the other day. She’s right. There’s also a slight side to side roll involved.

I would think that in Dallas, they might celebrate Mosey Day. John Wayne used to mosey. “Guess I’ll just mosey right on over to the corral and leap on my horse.” Sexy ladies could call it “Slinky Day.” Babies could celebrate crawl day.

Traditionally, Leap day is an interesting day for women. It is a day they get to throw their curves around…smile sweetly, and propose to their boyfriends, instead of waiting for it to happen the other way around. A lot of Pimple People guys make the mistake of thinking that the curvier the woman is the less intelligent she is. But Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation knows better. He always says, “The curvier a woman is, the less intelligent the guy becomes.”

Actually, I think you could make a case for the idea that women have it pretty good every day. They can have sex whenever they want it. They don’t have to mow the lawn or shovel the sidewalk. The smell of sweat is sexy on them. They get lots of gifts because we screw up so often. They can dance. They even look good in shorts. What’s not to like. Hmmm. I’m going to hear about that one.

Dick’s Details Quiz. Answers are in the current podcast.

1- Why am I glad milk has lactose?

2- Why does the Library of Congress have the world’s biggest comic book collection ?

3- How can the parents of babies who don’t use pacifiers get more rest?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

I’m not one of those motivation guys who think you should be grimly determined to be happy at all costs. I don’t believe in drowning your sorrows in reddy whip. And I’m well aware that manure occoureth. Sometimes in heaps. In large, stinky and very personal heaps. But it’s leap year. And Big Louie, his own bad self, has a leap year suggestion. He says “If you take a big enough leap, you might get over your heap.”

I’m taking Big Louie’s suggestion personally. I’ve been putting off work on a new Personal Audio Cd for too long. I’m not sure if it’s because I can be pretty lazy sometimes, or if it’s because it’s kind of scary writing stuff you really believe in. It’s a little like spying on yourself. You get scared, and the little guy who lives inside you…shuts up. Any way…I’m taking the leap. Here’s the first story from the new project. It’s about a guy who…instead of taking a leap…well…listen to the story it’s called, “I’ll Call You.” And it’s in the current podcast.

I was that guy…for a long time. Then my lady Wonder Wench came along. And before I knew it, I was in mid air…right in the middle of the biggest leap in my life. I didn’t really even think about it until mid leap. All of a sudden, hope started interfering with the very logical progression of what had become a smug and orderly life. It’s a long story. And I’ve decided to take the leap…and tell it…because telling it feels like the right thing to do, and it might help some other Louie-Louie generation guys and girls who are thinking about of taking a leap in life. It’ll take a while. All the Personal Audios took a while…because they took a lot of living. If you’re curious about them, take a trip to dick summer dot com, and take a look at the home page.

I wonder if women understand that guys sometimes don’t take the “Oh my God I’m in love leap,” because they’ve been through the hurt that comes with the crash that sometimes happens at the end. It hurts. That’s why sometimes we don’t talk a lot. We figure we’re not supposed to show you how much we hurt. There’s a flip side to that. It’s the hurt we do to our women when we back off. The guys in the white lab coats just released a big survey. It said, only 2% of the women in America feel beautiful. If you walk down any street in America, and look at our ladies, you’ll see that’s off by at least 70 or 80%. At least. And I think a lot of the reason it’s so far off…is that guys are afraid to take the leap…and tell you.

I know that sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk. And the journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step. And I know manure occoureth…in big heaps. But it’s leap year. And wouldn’t you like to know if you can actually leap over your heap…and right in the middle of your leap…what a kick to find out how high you can fly.