Archive for April, 2011

I Did It Again!

Saturday, April 30th, 2011

My Lady Wonder Wench is wonderful. She deserves a good husband. Fortunately for me, I grabbed her before she found one. I did it again. I forgot our wedding anniversary. I forgot our wedding anniversary…again. I did it two years ago too. I forgot ! Louie-Louie Generation lads and ladies don’t have babies at this stage of our lives, and I think it’s because the Lord is probably afraid we’d forget where we put them.

 How the heck could I do that? She’s never more than an inch away from whatever I’m thinking about. We’ve been together for decades, singing in the sunshine, and crying through the tough nights. I grew up in Brooklyn. I always knew you can learn a lot from getting your head kicked in, but she taught me you can learn a lot more from soft, warm, kisses.

 Of course, it is true that older Louie-Louie Generation folks do sometimes forget things. There’s a story about President George Bush the elder visiting an old age home. He supposedly walked up to an elderly lady and said, “Excuse me mam, do you know who I am?” And the kindly old lady said, “No, but if you ask over there at the reception desk, they can probably tell you.”

 One of my favorite forgetting stories has to do with a 95 year old guy who married a beautiful 27 year old woman. But they were concerned about the possible consequences of too much sex for someone of his age, so they decided to sleep in separate hotel rooms. But about a half hour after they went to their separate rooms, there was a knock on the bride’s door, and the groom was standing there…obviously ready for action. They made wild, passionate love, and he went back to his room. Another hour went by, and there was another knock on her door, and he was standing there, ready to go again. And again they made mad, passionate love…and he went back to his room. Another hour went by…and another knock on the door. This time the poor bride was amazed. And she said, “You want to make love again?” He looked at her and said, “You mean I was here before ?”

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-    Why shouldn’t you think too much about the word lasagna?

2-    If you were a nectar bat, what part of your partner could you lick ?

3-    What do today’s shrinks say about a guy who was probably standing beside his sexy girlfriend wearing a bikini ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 In the beginning, my Lady Wonder Wench was just one of a group of pretty young woman working at the radio station. She was working late one night…her office was right across the hall from the studio where I was going to do my show. I was kind of curious when I saw her light on, because it was long after the rest of the office people usually go home. So I looked in the door. And I surprised her. And she surprised me right back. All of a sudden. It was just an instant. Her eyes looked like they were caught…remembering somebody’s kiss and somebody’s touch. Bright blue eyes, surprised, funny, and hurt looking back at me. It was just an instant…but I got a flash of what she must look like loosening her hair, and letting it tumble down around her shoulders…all fragrant, shining and soft I caught my hand just before my fingers touched her cheek. I wasn’t even sure of her name. It’s amazing what can happen…in just a minute.

 Sometimes…a minute is a time for loving. And sometimes it’s time for leaving. And sometimes the space between the loving and the leaving gets crushed into just one very magic minute. There’s a story about that in the current podcast, and in the Personal Audio cd called, Bedtime Stories. It’s called, “Got A Minute.” Listening to it, I realize again that I got lucky. We’re not just traveling together from one love to another…my Lady Wonder Wench and me.

 If you like “Got A Minute,” you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just go download it from the Bedtime Stories icon on the home page.

 When I tell a story like that…a minute out of my own life that completely spun around everything I’ve done since then around …I always wonder about the minutes that might have flipped your life upside down. Maybe there’s one happening right now…or maybe one will pop up when you least expect it at work today. Who knows. A lot of the Night Connections stories are based on the spin around minutes in the lives of people who used to listen to me on the radio. If you’ve got a minute…I hope instead of spending your nights sitting in front of a tv screen…come back here, where you really count. Keep me company. Tell me what’s going on in your life, and just as important…how you feel about it. My email is .

I forgot our wedding anniversary. Again. How do you do that? I never forget her. She’s never more than an inch away from anything that’s going on in my head…or for that matter in any part of my anatomy. Loving her is intense, happy, awful, funny, complicated, painful, eternal, threatening, and absolute.

 She never threatens to throw out my baseball cards. She fogs my mirrors…when she smiles she starts my personal uprisings…so to speak…even though I no longer have to own an antique to sit down on something old. Even though I reached the age of consent 10,000 consents ago, she takes a very personal interest in seeing to it that my swash never buckles.

 Happy Anniversary Lady Wonder Wench. I’m really sorry I forgot our anniversary…again. My only excuse is in what Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation always says, “Everything never always goes right.”

Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, April 27th, 2011

Well, of course none of you likes that dumb moose story.  You’re lucky, though.  Ordinarily it goes on for about half an hour before he finishes it.  All in all, however, it is much better than his chicken cacciatore or mouse hole jokes …

 Even Big Louie winces … and although my Louie-Louie Lad says I might tell you those two stories, the answer is uh, uh.

 Do any of you do that?  Have stories or special lines that only really mean something to you and one other?  Like:  “Twenty dollars!” which usually makes me laugh.  It’s from a movie … what else? … and we enjoyed it together which is why …

 The very best thing about that, of course, is when he is a little down I can make him laugh … or at least giggle … just by saying a word or two.  No, I can’t make faces so words have to do the trick.  And since he is a word-smith, that works.  Movies or books or events …  special occasions with the kids … usually provoke a feeling and just repeating “Yes, I can” (also from a movie) sets him off. 

 Of course, there are times when he embarrasses the daylights out of me with some line that evokes a very sexy moment … but I am allowed to punch him in the arm for such nonsense.  ‘S okay … I get him back later.

 “Yes, I can …”

The Dreaded Moose Hunter Story

Saturday, April 23rd, 2011

I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather pappa chair, seriously considering telling you my favorite joke. My Lady Wonder Wench calls it, “The Deadly Moose Hunter Joke.” And she says she hates it, but she likes it when I ask her to do the punch line. Maybe that’s because she knows when she does that, it’s over. I like my moose hunter story so much that I tell it when I notice somebody is feeling a little…fizzled. A little fizzle sneaks into every life. Usually it’s little stuff. Somebody sends you a get well card, and you get a paper cut from opening it. You wake up in the morning, and you realize it’s Monday. You rent a porn movie and your partner falls asleep watching it. That’s a fizzle. I figure one way to fix a fizzle is to come up with a giggle. And my moose hunter joke is usually good for a giggle.

 That’s why I like to get some giggles into this blog and podcast. I want to help switch your fizzle into a quiet late night sizzle. Most stuff on the internet is about what people think. This blog and podcast is about how you and I feel…us…Louie-Louie Generation people. The Pimple People can’t believe we still have feelings. And they’re the same feelings the songs sing about. Loving, losing, sometimes winning, sometimes getting knocked down…but always getting up and  getting strong again, laughing, crying, having some fun with people who care that you’re around, and knowing those folks will also be there for you when you’re not laughing.

 I got a note from proud podcast participant Lovely Lisa from Kentucky the other day. She’s a young mother who asked if she’s too young to be a Louie-Louie Lady. And the answer to that is…she is a shoo in. All young people are not necessarily Pimple- People. Louie-Louie-hood is mostly about ‘Tude. Attitude.

 We like being dreamers, even though some of our dreams are so old, they’re in black and white. And some of them are so private that they’re silent. We respect the difference between dreams and fantasies by the way. A fantasy is something that you know can’t happen. Not ever. A dream…well…who knows. Maybe…if we work hard enough…maybe.

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-    How do we know Americans are good in the sack?

2-    What significance does PEZOLFTD have to your next physical exam ?

3-    What does Yehaa mean in lots of languages?

4-     Why did the Powers For Good In The Community want to change the word “pollex” to “thumb?”

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 Every life needs some sizzle. There’s a story about that in the Night Connections 2 personal audio cd, and in the current podcast. It’s called, The Joy Of Giving Thanks.” I wouldn’t be surprised if the woman in the story put a lot of time and effort, and sizzle into giving thanks that night. And the night after too I’ll bet. The Joy Of Giving Thanks is from the Night Connections 2 personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections 2 icon on the home page.  

 Oh yeah…the dreaded and dreadful moose hunter story that Lady Wonder Wench hates so much, but loves doing the punch line.

 There were two guys who were absolutely crazy about moose hunting. Each year, they took an airliner up to Moose Jaw, Canada, and chartered a bush plane to take them to their special lake to hunt. So this year, up in Moose Jaw, they saw a guy with a single engine airplane on floats, and they went over to him and said, we’d like to go to this lake for some moose hunting…and showed him a map of the lake they went to every year. The pilot said…”I don’t know. That’s a pretty small lake to get my airplane into.” So the one hunter said, “Well last year, we chartered a bush plane that looks like this and we went.” So the pilot said, “Well, if any bush pilot can do it, I certainly can. Get in the plane” So they did. And after a while they spotted the lake…and the pilot very carefully put the plane down on the surface, and just managed to stop as the pontoons were about to hit the other shore. The hunters got out, and said come back and get us next week.

 The next week, the pilot went back, and looking down, he saw these guys waving up at him with two enormous, dead moose. So he landed the plane on the lake again…very carefully…and he said, “Look guys, this is a very small lake, and those are very heavy moose….” And before he even finished, the one moose hunter said, “Well last year at this time….” And the pilot said…ok. If any bush pilot can do it, I can.

 So they strapped one moose to the left pontoon, and the other moose to the right pontoon, and the guys got in the plane. The pontoons were almost under water. The pilot starts the engine. The plane is sluggish in the water…the other shore is getting closer and closer…the pilot pulls back…and the plane staggers into the air. Just as they almost take off safely, the left wing hits a tree, and the plane goes down, knocking out all on board. Fortunately, nobody is seriously hurt. One moose hunter wakes up and looks around. Then the other moose hunter wakes up, and asks the first guy, “Where are we?” The first guy says…”We’re about a hundred feet from where we were last year at this time.”

 OOOOhhh I love that story. That story sizzles. Especially when my Lady Wonder Wench does the punch line. Lady Wonder Wench is the punch line in the whole story of my life.

Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, April 20th, 2011

Men are cape-able, all right.  And, boy, do most of them have smelly sweat sox.

 But if you are a very fortunate Louie-Louie Lass, YOUR Louie-Louie Lad looks absolutely smashing in a cape of any color … well, yeah, probably black with a red lining is best, but even bright green or lovely blue will do.  And when he wears it, the world had better look out.

 A really truly Big Louie, his own bad self, lad can and does accomplish just about anything he puts his mind to.  With a little bit of help.  I mean, after all, without a Louie-Louie Lass of major proportions (no, not THOSE proportions … sheesh, you guys have one track minds!) nothing would ever get done even by the best intentioned LLLad.  If it weren’t for the fact that we are willing to hold that damned cape and stand behind our lads … willing, in fact, to hold the hammer as a writer of note once said, while the lad knocks down the wall, where would even Big Louie be? 

 He knows very well that anything that has ever been accomplished in this world has been done because a lass stood with her lad and said, “Yup, of course you can.”  We aren’t just “housewives” (gloriosky, Mr. Jones, I HATE that word) … or mamas … or secretaries … we are at the very least equal partners in any enterprise he can conceive of.  We don’t wear capes or even get much recognition for the part we play in creating his world. 

 But we help create that world and make it work.  We are the cape creators.  We smile when he wears it.  And we let him.

The Guy In A Cape

Saturday, April 16th, 2011

I am sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room. I like being comfortable. Louie-Louie Generation guys have earned the right to be comfortable. That’s why I have just changed from my formal business attire…my black silk and leather cape with the sterling silver clasps, my gold lame loin cloth and matching purple ostrich feather, to these jeans, which have, as the commercial says, “A scosh more room.” They go nicely with my “Save The Dinosaurs” tee shirt with the hole under the left armpit, and my stylish, purple orthopedic sweat socks. It’s not stylish, but it’s me. It’s comfortable.

Much to my delight, I have found that women like to snuggle with capable, comfortable guys. And like most Louie-Louie Generation guys, I am very capable of giving singularly superior snuggles. Louie-Louie guys will smuggle a snuggle into our lives at every opportunity.

 And we are capable guys. Think about it. The word says it all. Cape-Able. Almost all Super Heroes slip on their capes when they are about to do super hero stuff. Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Zorro…think about it. Of course the word able, means you can do stuff. So Cape-able means you are able to do super things when you put on your cape. And I’ve found that’s true…even if you’re only wearing an imaginary cape…like the one I was just telling you about.

 Most Louie-Louie Generation guys have good imaginations. And we are comfortable enough about who we are…that even when we’re wearing our jeans instead of our imaginary capes, we don’t mind telling our women, “Hey, we’re just guys, so don’t expect too much of us.” Being comfortable with ourselves, is just one of the many endearing qualities that make us the bedmates of choice for porn stars, top lady executives, and Catherine Zeta Jones look-alikes. Some of our other strengths are that, we really like women, we have learned some pretty good stories and jokes over the years, and many of us have been capable enough to have paid off our nice cars and personal airplanes.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-      Why might the muscle guy at the gym eventually become a butterfly ?

2-      Why does a certain zoo keeper deserve a raise ?

3-      What do pigs do longer than lions ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 A quick explanation of the Louie-Louie Generation if you’re a new member of the huddle. It’s simple. It’s the generation…actually generations…of people for whom the song Louie-Louie seems to be playing constantly in our lives. Obviously, that means we’ve been around long enough to enjoy making some wonderfully bad mistakes. But the attitude is far more important than the age. Louie-Louie is a song with major tude…attitude. For example, Louie-Louie folks understand that loving is both about being cape-able of staying awake all night with a sick child…and doing the same thing…very cape-ably…the next night with a very health, lusty, cuddly adult of your choice. Because we never forget the words of Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation. He said, “If God invented anything better than sex, he must be keeping it for Himself.” 

 Pimple People, on the other hand, have all the personality of a potato. They would be out of their depth in a parking lot puddle. They have delusions of adequacy, but they really got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching. One celled organisms outscore them on sensitivity tests. Some of the guys have a full six pack, but they lack a strong enough little dangly thing to hold it all together. And I wouldn’t mind following some of their women, but only out of morbid curiosity.

 I have an image of this typical Pimple People guy. He’s over at his girl friend’s house, and he un-hooks her bra with one hand, and grabs a beer with the other. The girl is young, but not un-attractive. But she doesn’t know any better than to be with a guy who’s average relationship lasts about as long as the life expectancy of a quart of milk on a summer day. In short, if she were any dumber, she’d have to be watered twice a week.

 Age is only part of it. The Tude is more important. Young people can belong to the Louie-Louie generation, if they have the right ‘tude. The  L.L Generation is mostly about being comfortable, and cape-able, and caring.

 There’s a story in the current podcast, and the new Night Connections 3 personal audio cd about that. It’s called, “Growing Up Fast.” I was in a situation a little like that guy’s once. It was…quite a surprise. But I had a hunch about the lady involved. Just a hunch. Turns out…after a lot of years together…it was a very good hunch.

 If you like “Growing Up Fast,” you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the  Connections 3 icon on the home page.

 I really did wear a cape once. A real one. It was a long time ago, and it had to do with conducting an orchestra for an operetta. What a feeling of power…when you flip a cape over your shoulders. You feel cape-able. And when you feel cape-able, it’s easy to feel comfortable. And the best part of this is that Louie-Louie Generation women like my Lady Wonder Wench, really like to cuddle with a capable, comfortable guy. Even when the cape is only in his imagination. And he’s really just sitting in his big, black, comfortable leather poppa chair, wearing an old torn tee shirt, slightly smelly sweat socks and jeans.

Lady Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

“Louie-Louie” … “oh, yeah” … I am gonna get there … well, those could be the next words, Big Louie, and you know it.  After all, it’s just a silly song.  So how come if it’s so silly that the Rice University Marching Owl Band played it to perfection?  Or The Impossibles sang “The Hallelouie Chorus” … badly but still …

 Does all that tell us something about Big Louie and the Louie-Louie Generation?  Just that anyone who believes – really believes – is at the top of his or her game and can do just about anything they want to.

 And that includes you, “Lady B.”

 When I was awfully young,  I got harassed unmercifully by male pimple people who couldn’t deal with my … I guess you’d call it endowment.  Affected me badly for awhile.  Then I got so mad I basically said:  “Up yours” and became “me”.  Walked the way I wanted to and dared anyone to lay a finger … literally and verbally … on me.  Made me awfully lonely most of the time and lost me some friends as well.  But you know what?  I am still me.  And the only fingerprints to be found are his.

 It takes time and it can hurt a good deal.  But you have to be you.  No one can tell you how or who or why to be.  But I repeat, you have to be you.

 Do it, girl …

Lady B

Saturday, April 9th, 2011

I think it’s stand up time. I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather pappa chair in my living room, but an email came in from one of my favorite Proud Podcast Participants. We’ll just call her Lady B, because some of you know her and I don’t want to embarrass her. And let me tell you, her note makes me think it’s definitely time for some stand up. And I’m not talking comedy either.

 I did one night of stand up at a comedy club, a long time ago. I got eaten alive. Although I did really funny bits like, “A lovely young girl named Anne Heuser, Declared that no man could surprise her. But a fellow named Gibbons, untied her Blue Ribbons, And now she is sadder Budweiser.” And then I did, “I was bitten by a love bug, but one shot of penicillin cleared it right up.” And I followed that with, “I went to my doctor to be cured, so he sacrificed a chicken.”

 Hmmm. That’s basically the same reaction I got at the club.

 But I’m talking about a different kind of Stand Up right now. Lady B’s note had to do with the Do You, Do You? podcast, That’s the one where I said you should forget what other people tell you…even the experts…especially the experts…and just do what you honestly think and feel that you should do with your life. And Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation added a very important point. He said, “Never let anybody else eat your hunch.”

 Now listen to Lady B’s note. It says in part…”I have to walk kind of slouched over, because if I stand up straight, people accuse me of trying to ‘work my thing.”

 Proud Podcast Participant Lady B, is a beautiful, well built, Louie-Louie Generation lady.  And she’s walking slouched over, because she’s letting a bunch of simple pimple people make her uncomfortable about looking the way most Louie-Louie Generation gentlemen like a woman to look. Big Louie sent her an email right back. It just said…”You have the right to stand up straight. Do You !”

 Lady B…”Do you do you now?” I hope so.

 Dick’s Details Quiz – All answers are in the current podcast.

1-    If half of all mammal species are rodents, what do the feminists say are the other half?

2-    What can you tell about sex by smelling somebody’s breath?

3-    Why did they call Fredrick GREAT ?

 Dick’s details. They take your mind off your mind.

 I thought I was wonderful doing my stand up at the comedy club. I said, “Married women are heavier than single women, because when a single woman comes home, she looks in the refrigerator, then goes to bed. When a married woman comes home, she looks at what’s in the bed, and she goes to the refrigerator.” And believe it or not, I was still standing when I said, “A drunk staggered into a Catholic church, and lurched into the confession booth. “The priest said what do you need my son.” The drunk said “Do you have any paper on your side?” When the audience started throwing things, I said, “When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. I was an only child…eventually.” It’s hard to do stand up when people keep hitting you with custard pies.

 And as that note from Lady B makes pretty clear…sometimes the people around you make it hard to just stand up. Stand up for who and what you are. Life’s full of choices. Lots of times, people make choices based on what other people think they should do. That’s where the experts come in. As in, “Hello, I’m doctor Dick, and here’s what you should do.” Bs. Stand up for who you are…all the way inside. Do You. Ex-pert. Ex means something that used to be, like your ex spouse. Pert is pretty and perky. So an expert is somebody who used to be pretty and perky. Big deal.

 There’s a story in the new Night Connections 3 Personal Audio CD about a guy who has just made a big decision. But I have a feeling he didn’t stand up. I have a feeling he let an expert into his life. What do you think ? Give it a listen in the current podcast.

 Nothing that’s living feels that cold. I’m not saying he’s right or wrong. Love is neither right nor wrong. It just…is. Same with lust. But love and lust are both…hot. And he’s feeling very cold. He’s not living…his own way. He’s not standing up. He’s running. And stumbling. Decisions like the one he’s facing are big problems. I think he’s running from his problem. Probably following some expert advice. Funny thing about problems. No matter how fast or how hard you run away from them…they’ll catch you…usually sooner than you think, and they throw your whole life into a freezer when they do. 

 So…how do you Do You instead of doing what the experts think you should do, when you’re facing a problem like the one that’s chasing the guy in the story? There’s an idea from the Quiet Hands personal audio cd. It’s called Quiet Decisions. It’s also in the current podcast.

 Quiet Decisions works…if you take your time with it, and trust it. Because it taps into…you. As in Do You. Time and trust. It took you time and  trust when you first learned to stand up. It was worth it then. And it’s worth it now…when you need to teach yourself to stand up… in a different way…again.

 If you like the “End of Time” story from Night Connections 3, or the idea from Quiet Hands, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, download what you want from the icons on the home page.

 The really great stand up comedians always put at least a little part of their real selves into their act. Rodney Dangerfield… admitted to the tiny terror that any performer…in fact any person feels, when he said,  “I don’t get no respect.” Phyllis Diller who had public marriage problems in her real life…called her husband “Fang” in her act. My Lady Wonder Wench and I caught Bill Cosby live a few months ago. There was a guy in a wheel chair, with an oxygen mask on, right up front of the stage. Cosby came down from the stage…right in the middle of his act…and he bent down to the guy in the wheel chair…and he said, “I’m Bill Cosby.” The guy in the chair looked up…surprised…and said, Yeah, I know.” And Cosby looked down at the wheel chair guy with the oxygen mask…and he said, “I do comedy.” The guy said “yeah.” Cosby took a deep breath, and he said, “Don’t die.”

 Stand up. Do you. Cosby did. He put it all on the line. And the result could have been awful. But he blew the roof off the place instead. And nobody laughed harder than the guy in the wheel chair.

 Lady B…Please. Do you. Stand up…straight. Do you. Stand up proud. Do you. Stand up beautiful. Stand up. Do You.

Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, April 6th, 2011

All right, how can you be OUT of whack if you’ve never been in?  Let’s get real here.  I am a Louie-Louie Generation Lass.  Does anyone think I was ever IN WHACK?  None of the LLLads I know has ever been there … and that includes Big Louie, his own bad self.  So where does that leave me?

Yup, entirely out.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I have a younger brother … not quite to LL status … who has never been anything but in whack.  So much so that he makes my teeth grind.  I also have about a hundred brothers-in-law all of whom … whether LL age or not … have never been in whack, would not know what to do with themselves if they found themselves there, and have absolutely no intention of ever finding out.  And one of them is a Texas cop!  (He is in whack when on duty; otherwise a marvelous LLLad.)


The Whack Attack

Saturday, April 2nd, 2011

You are about to experience a whack attack. You know people who are having a hard time…people who are obviously uncomfortable. They always say, ”I’m all out of whack.”  So let me tell you that tonight, I am very definitely IN Whack. What’s left of my Louie-Louie Generation body has just about conquered a beastly bug, and I am feeling remarkably lifelike.

I’m sitting here in my big, black, comfortable leather pappa chair in my living room, which really helps make me comfortable in my fanny and in my feelings. When things get out of whack for me, sitting in it always helps me get back into whack…where I belong.  

Most people are out of whack way too often. They’re not comfortable in their fannies and their feelings. Even some of my fellow Louie-Louie Generation guys who should know better get their shorts all knotted up. They get jealous of the young guys. They think the young guys all live lives involving large hot tubs full of naked Victoria’s Secret models. Ha. According to Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation, the fact is that the typical evening of excitement for Pimple People guys is watching the third re-run of the scores on ESPN, while eating the last few kernels of popcorn from the bag they just brought home from the movies.

And it figures. Because most of those Pimple People guys cannot simultaneously look at a woman and think. So they pay more attention to their sports teams than they do to their girlfriends. The girlfriend may be a James Bond girl, who walks around with a gentle giggle, parting the air like a knife, in high heels, sunglasses, and a tiny thong bikini under a transparent black lace blouse…long up swept glistening brunette hair held in place by a pin with real diamonds…beautiful, smart, attentive, and faithful…but her pimple people boyfriend shows more interest in HIS TEAM. It’s like he figures she has limited value because there’s no way she could help the team make the playoffs, even if she bulks up during the off season.

And it’s that way all over the world…not just here. Guys in some parts of the world take soccer so seriously that they kill each other over it…which I feel is excessive… especially for regular season games.

I think a good part of the appeal of sports teams come from a guy’s natural territorial instincts. My favorite team is the New York Mets. And mainly, that’s because I’m a New York guy. Of course, different male creatures have different ways of expressing their territorial instincts. Male dogs pee to mark their territory. Maybe that’s why they howl at the moon. They know they’ll never get up high enough to pee on it. Our government is mostly guys. And they mark their territory too…as our representatives. Only instead of peeing on other countries, they send them money. Or they bomb them. Sometimes we do both at the same time. That’s certainly what I’d call being very far out of whack.

Women aren’t like that. They are wonderfully different. Guys like me invented blogs and podcasts because we have a deep seated need to complain and we love jokes. We even make up joke names for our private parts. Women don’t even admit they have private parts. They just refer to some mysterious place called, “Down there.”

I think women figure they don’t need jokes. All they have to do is look at us… pretending we have everything under control. We always have to look like we have things under control. That’s why guys don’t ask for directions. As in, “I know exactly where I am, and where I’m going. We’ll begin to see familiar streets any time now.”

We’re that way even before we’re born. That’s why it takes a zillion sperm cells, each zooming around in different directions, and every one of them is absolutely certain it’s the one that knows where it’s going to locate a female egg…despite the fact that all they would have to do is stop and think…and look. Because the egg…relatively speaking is about the size of the Empire State Building. That’s life. Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-     What’s a good way to provoke violent behavior late in a guy’s life ?

2-     Where’ a safe place to hide from the Pimple People ?

3-     What physical change takes place in many 7-11 customers ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

There’s a nasty example of a guy who’s life got knocked out of whack in the new Night Connections 3 personal audio cd, and in the current podcast. It’s called, “It’s Not Your Fault.” How can you not see something like that coming? Serious question. I know for sure that some of you have been through a surprise like that. How can you miss the signs…there must be some signs. It’s Not Your Fault is from the new Night Connections 3 personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections 3 icon on the home page.

My Lady Wonder Wench just gently giggled her way into the living room, wearing her two piece outfit. Her bedroom slippers. If…she would just giggle her way over here to my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair, she could turn this into one of those evenings when life is absolutely…positively… completely in whack… right where it belongs.