Archive for January, 2008

The Dick Summer Connection – January 27, 2008

Saturday, January 26th, 2008

According to Big Louie, his own bad self, “Love and lust create tension … sex and ice cream relieve it.” My Lady Wonder Wench’s friend Rose proves he’s right. She recently spent a week at a town where Paul Newman frequently vacations. On Sunday morning, she decided to drive down to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor to treat herself to a double dip chocolate ice cream cone. When she walked into the shop, there was only one other person in the store. That’s right. Paul Newman. He was sitting at the counter having a donut and coffee. Rose freaked as quietly as possible. Paul nodded graciously and Rose managed a shaky smile. The woman behind the counter put the double dip cone in her one hand and the change in the other…and she left…without even glancing at Newman. When she got to her car, she realized that she had a handful of change in one hand, but her other hand was empty. Naturally, she went back into the store expecting to see the cone still in the woman’s hand, or in some kind of holder on the counter. But there was no ice cream cone in sight. She looked over at Paul, who gave her that famous warm friendly grin, and he said, “You put it in your purse.”There is only a certain amount of female attention available, and some guys get more than their fair share. Paul is certainly one of those guys. I am also an attention sponge. The main reason I spent so many years on the air at stations like WNBC, WBZ, and WNEW was that women paid attention to those stations.

My “growing up buddy across the street,” Eddie Kelly, who is probably now a priest (that’s another story), claimed that women are attracted to muscles and other manly things. Eddie was 13 and I was only 12, so obviously he knew much more about such things than I did. And lessons learned at that age tend to infest your life forever.

Therefore, I have always loved doing manly things…like making a fire in the fireplace. I think that’s a very manly thing…like football, and beer, and farting. And I figure it can be used to get feminine attention, which…as we have established… leads to either sex or an ice cream cone.

Think about it. You’ve got to get some wood first, so you start by confidently striding over to the garage and grabbing an ax or a chain saw. I always make sure my Lady Wonder Wench is watching when I do that. She gives me a very special look when I have an ax or a chain saw in my hand. I think it’s a look that shows her respect, admiration and thinly veiled lust for the alpha male power, proudly standing before her. Of course, looks can be deceiving. She could be thinking, “God, don’t let him hit himself on the head with that thing.” But when I start the chain saw, she gives me a look that can mean only one thing. Terror.

Now let me be clear…I love my Lady Wonder Wench, and I consider it to be an honor that she allows me to be her protector. And I think I am a damn good protector…especially with a chain saw in my hand going vroom – vroom. (I love the way that thing kicks back and up a little when you pump the trigger.) But any honest Louie-Louie Generation Guy will admit that there are few things as satisfying as seeing the woman you love tremble with terror as you engage a savage beast like a chain saw…going vroom-vroom.

Vroom-vroom is what guys do best. That’s why we have a space program. The guys at NASA don’t really care about “going where no man has gone before.” They just love riding big loud rockets that go vroom-vroom.

George Bush Senior is a great example of what I’m talking about. When he was president, he’d run up to his place in Maine…and he’d bring his Aids, his Advisors, the press, the Secret Service, squadrons of Coast Guard Frog-Persons, and fleets of helicopters…just so he could get in his speed boat and go vroom-vroom…really fast. You could see it in his face. He had the same look as any three-year-old boy pushing a plastic airplane around on the floor going vroom-vroom. The leader of the free world…the most powerful man on earth…and you know exactly what he is thinking. “Vroom-vroom.”

Dick’s Details Quiz – All the answers are in the current PodCast at www.DickSummer.com

1- What were Neil Armstrong’s LAST words as he was standing on the moon?

2- Why is it reasonable to call General Colin Powell a rock star?

3- What word do cats say when they mean “woof”?

Scoring:

3 – right – You’re a Saturn Rocket Rider.

2 – right – You’re an airplane pilot.

1 – right – You’re a chain saw-er.

0 – right – You put playing cards in the spokes of your tricycle.

 

Valentine’s Day is coming along. It’s one of my favorite days. It’s sexy, and fun, and caring. But some people won’t even know it’s here. So Big Louie, his own bad self…the Great Grunter of the Louie-Louie Generation…is encouraging us to pick somebody who probably won’t have anything to celebrate on Valentine’s day and send him/her a card…anonymously. It won’t cost much. And everybody could use a little attention. And please drop me an Email at Dick@DickSummer.com to let me know what kind of effect it had. By the way, when I say all guys like attention, that means ALL guys. For example, let me remind you what Paul Newman does in his spare time. He drives race cars. Vroom-vroom. And he doesn’t even like double dip chocolate ice cream cones.

The Dick Summer Connection – January 20, 2008

Saturday, January 19th, 2008

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I was twelve. I had a friend by the name of Eddy Kelly, who lived across the street. He was thirteen, so he knew all about girls. He said, “Girls like guys with big muscles.” So I started doing pushups. Big time. I figured I wouldn’t have to be just another sock in the Laundromat of life…if I had big muscles, I could be a serious chick magnet. But as my muscles grew…so did my realization that the only girls who were attracted to muscle magnets were the kind of girls who smiled at you with steel teeth. 

I got pretty heavily into doing push ups, even though I hate doing them. Everybody does. You never see a guy doing pushups with a smile on his face. But I’ve been at it since I was twelve, so I got pretty good at pumping floor. I used to be able to do about 120 at a time when I was in college. Obviously, as a Louie-Louie Generation guy, I must admit that it has been a while since graduation day.

I used to challenge guys to one arm pushup contests. I could always count on being able to do around thirty of them… until a few months ago…when our next door neighbor Bernadette and her 6 year old daughter Emily were visiting, and Emily was doing cartwheels in the living room…so I said, Hey Emmy, wanna see some one arm pushups? She said sure. So I got down on Mr. Floor and pushed…and nothing happened. Mr. Floor stayed right where he was. And Bernadette and Emily and Wonder Wench were all standing there with their hands on their hips, rolling their eyes, and looking at me like…what are you doing down there on the floor?

The best thing you can do in a circumstance like that is to remember what Big Louie, his own bad self, tells us Louie-Louie Generation guys: “You can always grab a grin to win.” I think he means if you suddenly find you can’t do one arm pushups anymore…and there are ladies present…remember to laugh at yourself. By the way, laughing is a good exercise if you do it hard enough. It’s like jogging inside.

There have been times when I was very glad I did all those pushups. Yesterday, for example. I have been called upon to be a groomsman for my buddy, Geoff. Usually that’s something young guys do. But this is the second time around for Geoff…like it is for lots of Louie-Louie Generation Guys and Dolls these days…so along with the wedding cake, there will be wrinkles, walkers and oxygen bottles at the reception. Geoff stands about 6ft. 7inches tall and weighs in at around 350. I call Geoff Tinker Bell…which I can get away with because I used to do a lot of pushups… but mostly because I’m a lot faster than he is.

He is justifiably proud of his Scotch heritage, and has on many formal occasions been known to wear a kilt featuring the Family tartan. That is a sight for only the strongest amongst you.

Since I will be accompanying him in the wedding party, I thought my gold lame loin cloth and purple ostrich feather would add a festive touch, and it would be a good contrast to the usual drab black tuxedos. Or, at least I figured it would be a nifty occasion to wear my plaid jacket that I haven’t worn since high school.

For some obscure female reasons, my Lady Wonder Wench and Geoff’s Lady Joann disagreed. So yesterday, I had to go rent a drab black tux to do whatever it is a groomsman does at a wedding.

Lena is the name of the attractive young lady at the tux store. She carefully took my measurements…a process which I will admit I enjoyed quite a bit…especially the in-seam part…and she had me try on a jacket, which fit nicely on my shoulders but which had enough room in the belly part for another groomsman…or preferably one of the bridesmaids. I said, “What can you do about that?” She said, “We can move some of the buttons, I guess. Our jackets are made to fit most guys your age who have pot bellies.” I cringed at the “guys your age” line…but then she smiled and said …”but you have the body of a 25 year old.” YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS UP. Well, you can, but nobody would believe it.

I grabbed Lena by the hand and dragged her across the store to where my Lady Wonder Wench was sitting, and I said…”Please…I beg you…tell her what you just said.” Lena giggled…and she said, “I told him we could move the buttons.” I said, “Don’t trifle with me…this collar around my ankle could go off at any minute.” So she giggled again and she told W. Wench about my 25 year old body. I was triumphant. Of course, Wonder Wench immediately put it into proper perspective. She said, “Right. A 25 year old’s body with a 4 year old’s mind.” And every woman in the store laughed, applauded, stood up and did the wave.

“Watch this space,” because I shall report on the wedding and the festivities involved, in some detail, in the near future.

Dick’s Details Quiz – All the answers are in the current PodCast at www.DickSummer.com

1- How can we use artificial turf to protect our borders?

2- Why is George Clooney a total failure?

3- Why are sharks so ticked off at humans?

Scoring:

3 – right – Bride/Groom

2 – right – Bride’s Maid/Groomsman

1- right – Caterer

0 – right – Former boyfriend/girlfriend

 

Big Louie…his own bad self…has a Valentine’s Day suggestion. It won’t cost much, and it could make somebody feel like 25 again…at least for a few minutes. Pick out somebody who probably won’t get a Valentine’s Day card this year. Maybe somebody who lost a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. Just send a card and sign it “From a secret admirer.” It would be a Louie-Louie kind of thing to do. And please let me know what happens when you do it. My Email is Dick@DickSummer.com

 

The Dick Summer Connection – January 13, 2008

Saturday, January 12th, 2008

The word boy rhymes with the word toy. A coincidence? I think not. Even us Louie-Louie Generation guys are still boys… although I must admit that many of us have been noticing lately that the songs we’ve been hearing in elevators seem to be getting better and better. But… we can deal with that. Big Louie, his own bad self, says that we should just “remember how much fun we always had making up our own dance moves to those songs.” He says “that’s a real attention getter in a crowded elevator.”I have always wanted to be a man of few words and many toys. And so it is that I sit here looking out the front window with great pride at the brand new car in my driveway…an eager steed ready to hurl itself onto the highway with a blur of high “G” acceleration… leaving long trails of smoking tires and fiery exhaust.

Some of you know that significant parts of the port of Dubai have been built on the proceeds from the barrels of one hundred octane aviation gas that my airplane has burned over the years…feeding my fix for power and speed. So you can imagine the gleam in my eye when I strode into the auto dealership and told the shocked young sales guy, “I have worked hard all my life…saving every nickel I could…and I now have… this… enormous pile of nickels…which I am going to spend on THAT CAR.” And with a flourish…I pointed away from the family oriented SUVs…the dowdy mid size sedans…the leftover last year’s models…I pointed…at the car I now call… SPEEDY!

The young sales guy was unprepared for that. He said…quote… what’s a nickel? (He was very young.) I explained that it is cold, hard cash. A look of trapped cunning came over him. A look that told me he was hoping to keep SPEEDY on the car lot at least until Saturday so he could drive it to a nearby singles watering hole to impress some bimbette. I said…”that’s the car I want. And there’s no use beating a dead horse about spilled milk…I want it now.”

A hush came over the sales floor. And another look I’ve seen before flashed for a moment across the young salesman’s face. It was the kind of look that you’ve seen on the face of a friend when you give him one of those radios that play even in a shower…and he wonders if you’re hoping he’ll start dancing on a slick soapy surface with a glass door.

The young sales guy knew negotiating time was upon him. I think he was about to panic… and maybe… slap a post it note saying “out to lunch” on his forehead. He knew he was dealing with an experienced car buyer…a guy who knew from accessories like an 8 track tape player, extra chrome hub caps, giant fins, and tinted glass. A guy who knew from experience that when you start negotiations for a puppy, you start by asking for a horse…a seasoned Louie-Louie Generation guy.

Then he asked it. The question I’d been dreading from the very beginning. He said…will it be straight cash or a trade in?

Ya know…some days you wonder why the frizbee is getting bigger and bigger…and then it hits you. By trade in…he meant my clunker. My faithful companion for 174 thousand miles together. My good old Belchfire v6 with am/fm and sometimes operational air conditioning. The car my offspring like to call their “father’s Oldsmobile.” And all of a sudden, I felt like I was selling a friend…and I simply couldn’t do it. No…it was an easy if expensive decision. My clunker was going to have to stay in the family…it was going to grace the driveway of one of the Summer sons…the one who knows his way around with a socket wrench and his local Pep Boys store.

The negotiation was short and some would say almost brutal. The computer industry has made it possible, through the almost magical data processing power of the micro chip and the internet, for anybody almost anywhere in the world to see Paris Hilton naked…and to run pricing checks on cars like SPEEDY. And the rest is… as they say… history. So there she sits…parked in my driveway. Gleaming. My brand new toy. SPEEDY.

Dick’s Details Quiz – all the answers are in the current PodCast at www.DickSummer.com  .

1- What naughty thing do 35% of the people who visit singles web sites seem to have in mind?

2- In the “Mr. Small Talk” Bedtime Story, what was the pilot’s successful opening line with the lady horseback rider?

3- What does the sign that my Lady Wonder Wench put in my office say?

Scoring:

3 – right – There’s a new car in your future.

2 – right – There’s a used car in your future.

1 – right – Once you learn to ride a bike, you don’t forget.

0 – right – I hope you like your frisbee.

Oh yeah…my brand new car…sitting and gleaming out there in the driveway tonight…SPEEDY…I lied about the screaming high “G” acceleration, the burning tires and the fiery exhaust.

SPEEDY is a four cylinder Hundai Accent. Under the proper conditions, it goes from zero to 60 sometime during the same day you floor the gas pedal…and the new car smell inside reminds me of a North Korean Hooker’s perfume. But SPEEDY gets almost 40 miles per gallon on the highway. And with gas pushing $4.00 a gallon around here…it’s kind of fun to give the boys in Dubai the bird. So…as any Louie-Louie Generation guy will tell you…fun is what toys are all about. And SPEEDY is my kind of toy.

The Dick Summer Connection – January 6, 2008

Saturday, January 5th, 2008

So…how did I do with 2007’s New Year’s Resolution? Remember…I said I was going to stay positive all year. Almost lost it a couple of times, especially when that idiot hit my plane with an SUV…but I think I did pretty well. Those of you who read this regularly…how about giving me a grade on a 1 to 10 scale…(Ten is best. I give myself around an 8.5.) And how did you do with your resolutions? Come on and confess. Give both yourself and me a grade, and Email me please at Dick@DickSummer.com   with the results.

I especially liked discovering the Louie-Louie Generation during the past year. For those of you who may be new to the Dick Summer Connection, the Louie-Louie Generation is made up of people for whom that song has been an important part of the background music of our lives. It’s a unique generation. Simply being a certain age makes you a member of the Greatest Generation, or Generation X or the Baby Boomers. But you need some ‘Tude to become a member of the Louie-Louie Generation. Age is obviously a factor…if you’re a kid, you’re not going to know anything about Louie-Louie… but ‘Tude…Attitude…is really what sets L.L Generation guys and dolls apart. We grab grins whenever possible. Even when idiots run into our airplane with an SUV, we are determined to stay positive…to have hope.

Hope is the only reason why Louie-Louie Generation guys all had that little round circle of rolled up latex that we called “a rubber” showing through the leather of our wallets. We also had a little sheet of well worn paper with the “official” words to the song tucked away in there. And it didn’t bother us that every set of “official” words was different.

Louie-Louie was the perfect guy dance…no complicated steps, and it gave the guys with enough ‘Tude, an excuse to get very close to a girl’s ear to sing a bunch of some pretty suggestive lines to her. It was impossible to actually understand any of the words, but everybody “knew” it was a dirty song…and because political correctness had not yet struck, guys were allowed to like dirty songs. As a matter of fact, I think many of the more popular girls liked them too.

And what would the Louie-Louie Generation be, without the semi-moral guidance of Big Louie, his own bad self. Big Louie is no guru. He’s just a guy who has his own…”ways”…and an extra helping of ‘Tude. Like most Louie-Louie Generation guys and dolls, he’s been there and screwed up…and he’s often ready to help us with some of his unique “Louie’s”…which is what we call his practical jokes and his words of sometimes practical wisdom.

For example: “If you get stuck being the designated driver for some buddies, that’s a bummer…but you can still have some fun…if, at the end of the evening, you just drop your drunk buddies off at the wrong houses.” For environmentalists, he says, “There’s nothing wrong with hugging a tree…as long as that’s as far as it goes. You may have to back off a bit if your girlfriend/boyfriend finds bark stains on your shirt collar.” And of course, for those of you who are thinking about starting a family …”Be careful you don’t have more kids than you have car windows.”

But the “Louie” I like best so far is Big L’s equation for honesty. He says, Honesty = “The Truth” plus MAYBE. I like that. Whenever somebody says, “This is the TRUTH, Dick, you’ve got to believe me”…I always think to myself…”yeah…MAYBE.” As in, “It’s perfectly obvious that the world is flat…look for yourself.” “There is only one TRUE Church.” “UFO’s…what…are you nuts?” I always add that one word…MAYBE.

Big L. also reminds us that, “If you can grab a grin you’ll probably win.” And, “Pretty often the best way to deal with a serious problem is with a silly solution.” And don’t forget… “Relationships should be between business people. Lovers should have romances.” I like Big Louie’s whole approach to your love life. “You’ve got to WORK at a romance,” he says. “Treat a romance like a full time job. If your lover decides to quit on you, he or she should give at least two weeks’ notice, there should be severance pay of some kind, and they should supply a temp who can fill the position until you can find a replacement.” Big Louie is my kind of guy.

When you can remember the ball dropping on New Year’s so often that it seems like somebody is dribbling a basket ball in your head, there’s no question that you’ve also started having trouble with your mirrors. Or maybe the lighting in your bathroom has gone bad over the years. But no matter what your excuse, there’s just no getting around the fact that if young bodies are like temples, Louie-Louie Generation bodies tend to look more like auto repair shops.

There are many outstanding exceptions, of course. Catherine Zeta Jones, for example…and Sophia Loren…and my Lady Wonder Wench.

And on the testosterone side, consider Arnold Schwartzenegger and Clint Eastwood…and Sean Connery.

But even though the rest of us Louie-Louie Generation guys and dolls may not be in that classy company, we stay positive and we always keep our hope juiced up. That’s what gives us our ‘Tude.

‘Tude is what makes Louie-Louie Generation guys the bed mates of choice for super models everywhere. It makes us charming and considerate. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that some of us also have saved a little money. On the estrogen side of the fence, Louie-Louie Generation ‘Tude is something that pretty 21 year old beauty queens are now desperately trying to learn, so they can mature into graceful and sexy Louie-Louie Generation women.

So how do you know if you’re “Louie-Louie Generation” material?

1- Are you watching the Weather Channel more than MTV? 2- If you’re a guy, do you have more food than beer in the fridge? 3- If you’re a girl, do you NOT mind that I just called you a girl instead of a woman? 4- Do you now feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s left overs? 5- In high school, did you find yourself spending a little more time in detention than most of your friends? 6- Have you ever watched a tv newscast and thought to yourself, “I don’t often pray, but if you’re really up there, please save us, Batman.”? 7- (worth double points) Do you still usually…wanna? 8- Have you started actually reading the instructions before you put together your “easy to assemble” stuff? 9- Do you now listen to Books on Tape because the top forty songs are all sounding alike? 10- Have you started buying stationary that comes with your name already printed on it?

More than four yes answers? Welcome to the group.

Dick’s Details Quiz – All answers are available in the current PodCast at www.dicksummer.com

1- Why don’t many people like kissing alligators?

2- The smell of Jasmine helps you get to sleep best. What smell helps you to get to sleep worst?

3- What percent of Americans can curl their tongues into tubes?

Scoring:

3 – Right – You’re a Louie-Louie Generation guy/doll.

2 – Right – You’re a super model/movie action hero.

1 – Right – You’re a pilot with his/her own small plane.

0 – Right – You’re an idiot who drives an SUV on an airport.

So here are a few of the things I’ve learned this past year: I’ve found out from experience that wrinkles don’t really hurt…when I cross a street, I don’t bother looking at the lights, I look at the cars, because I figured out that lights never killed anybody…and I’ve stopped over doing eating vegetables because I found myself starting to lean toward the sun.

But the BEST THING about this past year is that my Lady Wonder Wench still likes MY version of the official Louie-Louie words best. And if all goes well, she will dance close enough to me so I can sing them to her tonight.