According to Big Louie, his own bad self, “Love and lust create tension … sex and ice cream relieve it.” My Lady Wonder Wenchâ€™s friend Rose proves heâ€™s right. She recently spent a week at a town where Paul Newman frequently vacations. On Sunday morning, she decided to drive down to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor to treat herself to a double dip chocolate ice cream cone. When she walked into the shop, there was only one other person in the store. Thatâ€™s right. Paul Newman. He was sitting at the counter having a donut and coffee. Rose freaked as quietly as possible. Paul nodded graciously and Rose managed a shaky smile. The woman behind the counter put the double dip cone in her one hand and the change in the other…and she left…without even glancing at Newman. When she got to her car, she realized that she had a handful of change in one hand, but her other hand was empty. Naturally, she went back into the store expecting to see the cone still in the womanâ€™s hand, or in some kind of holder on the counter. But there was no ice cream cone in sight. She looked over at Paul, who gave her that famous warm friendly grin, and he said, “You put it in your purse.”There is only a certain amount of female attention available, and some guys get more than their fair share. Paul is certainly one of those guys. I am also an attention sponge. The main reason I spent so many years on the air at stations like WNBC, WBZ, and WNEW was that women paid attention to those stations.
My “growing up buddy across the street,” Eddie Kelly, who is probably now a priest (thatâ€™s another story), claimed that women are attracted to muscles and other manly things. Eddie was 13 and I was only 12, so obviously he knew much more about such things than I did. And lessons learned at that age tend to infest your life forever.
Therefore, I have always loved doing manly things…like making a fire in the fireplace. I think thatâ€™s a very manly thing…like football, and beer, and farting. And I figure it can be used to get feminine attention, which…as we have established… leads to either sex or an ice cream cone.
Think about it. Youâ€™ve got to get some wood first, so you start by confidently striding over to the garage and grabbing an ax or a chain saw. I always make sure my Lady Wonder Wench is watching when I do that. She gives me a very special look when I have an ax or a chain saw in my hand. I think itâ€™s a look that shows her respect, admiration and thinly veiled lust for the alpha male power, proudly standing before her. Of course, looks can be deceiving. She could be thinking, “God, donâ€™t let him hit himself on the head with that thing.” But when I start the chain saw, she gives me a look that can mean only one thing. Terror.
Now let me be clear…I love my Lady Wonder Wench, and I consider it to be an honor that she allows me to be her protector. And I think I am a damn good protector…especially with a chain saw in my hand going vroom – vroom. (I love the way that thing kicks back and up a little when you pump the trigger.) But any honest Louie-Louie Generation Guy will admit that there are few things as satisfying as seeing the woman you love tremble with terror as you engage a savage beast like a chain saw…going vroom-vroom.
Vroom-vroom is what guys do best. Thatâ€™s why we have a space program. The guys at NASA donâ€™t really care about “going where no man has gone before.” They just love riding big loud rockets that go vroom-vroom.
George Bush Senior is a great example of what Iâ€™m talking about. When he was president, heâ€™d run up to his place in Maine…and heâ€™d bring his Aids, his Advisors, the press, the Secret Service, squadrons of Coast Guard Frog-Persons, and fleets of helicopters…just so he could get in his speed boat and go vroom-vroom…really fast. You could see it in his face. He had the same look as any three-year-old boy pushing a plastic airplane around on the floor going vroom-vroom. The leader of the free world…the most powerful man on earth…and you know exactly what he is thinking. “Vroom-vroom.”
1- What were Neil Armstrongâ€™s LAST words as he was standing on the moon?
2- Why is it reasonable to call General Colin Powell a rock star?
3- What word do cats say when they mean “woof”?
3 – right – Youâ€™re a Saturn Rocket Rider.
2 – right – Youâ€™re an airplane pilot.
1 – right – Youâ€™re a chain saw-er.
0 – right – You put playing cards in the spokes of your tricycle.
Valentineâ€™s Day is coming along. Itâ€™s one of my favorite days. Itâ€™s sexy, and fun, and caring. But some people wonâ€™t even know itâ€™s here. So Big Louie, his own bad self…the Great Grunter of the Louie-Louie Generation…is encouraging us to pick somebody who probably wonâ€™t have anything to celebrate on Valentineâ€™s day and send him/her a card…anonymously. It wonâ€™t cost much. And everybody could use a little attention. And please drop me an Email atÂ Dick@DickSummer.com to let me know what kind of effect it had.Â By the way, when I say all guys like attention, that means ALL guys. For example, let me remind you what Paul Newman does in his spare time. He drives race cars. Vroom-vroom. And he doesnâ€™t even like double dip chocolate ice cream cones.