In today’s podcast my Lady Wonder Wench is hinting that we should get a dog. Hinting. She’s been saying things like, I want a dog. I got her one. This dog barks, and even tells you jokes. You don’t have to deal with dog hair, dog poop, vet bills or walking the dog in the snow with this dog. All you have to do is change the mutt’s batteries.
Archive for August, 2016
In today’s podcast I was telling you about Emily. Emily is my neighbors Randy and Bernadette’s daughter. Randy and Bernadette are taking care of Emily’s cat while she is away at school. Randy knows about cats. He says, “Never try to out stubborn a cat.” Good advice. This is a nice, well behaved, suburban, cat. In my hometown Brooklyn, cats are tough. If a Brooklyn cat gets hungry, he sometime sneaks across the George Washington bridge to Jersey and hi-jacks a cow. When I was a kid I thought cats were female dogs. Really. I did have a dog. Whistle. He had a flat nose because he kept chasing parked cars. And catching them. Dogs are confusing. If you take a dog for a car ride, he sticks his head out the car window to enjoy the fresh air. But if you blow in his face he gets mad at you, even if you haven’t been eating raw onions.
There are some things in today’s podcast that I tell my friend Randy: “Be careful, because with age sometimes comes oldness. Don’t let that happen. You’re never too old to decide to act younger. Remember what Big Louie says in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot…(available at Amazon.com) ’If you have any moving parts left, for crying out loud…move ‘em.” And I encourage Randy to learn new songs. Like “I’ve fallen in love with you and I can’t get up” by the See Alice Singers.
Our next door neighbors, Randy and Bernadette invited my Lady Wonder Wench and me over for dinner last night. It’s in today’s podcast. Having good friends for neighbors is very special. Randy and I have lots of things in common, including working some pretty weird overnight hours. One of our basic points of agreement is, “There is no life without water, because without water there is no coffee.” Randy is a lot younger than I am, so he sometimes looks to me for guidance in dealing with the onrushing years. I’m young at heart, but not so much young in other places. I always tell Randy, “Life is short, so smile while you still have teeth.” And, “We have a left brain and a right brain so we can keep secrets from ourselves. Secrets like ‘Why did I just walk into this room? Where did I leave my car?
In today’s podcast I realized that if life were fair, men would get pregnant and women would get turned down for sex. Not going to happen. Smiling is the second best thing you can do with your lips. You look nice when you smile. Here at the Been There Done That part of my life, I like issuing the appropriate number of “Huh”s. The relationship councilors say, “Put your differences behind you. That gets a four breath “Huh.” I think it is fortunate that you cannot put your differences behind you. Your differences are right out there in front. God knew what He was doing when He designed us. I especially like my lady’s differences. The day I met her they were an instant attraction…bouncing and wiggling while she walked. I noticed them even before I noticed her personality. Now that I’ve pulled back far enough to notice her personality, I like that too. She’s smart and she has a sense of humor. She says “It takes 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg… because none of them will ask directions.” There are two ways to argue with a woman like her. And neither of them works. Been There, Done That.
It’s T.G.I.F. which means it’s time for Dick’s Details…a bunch of totally un-important stuff for you to stuff in one ear so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s confusing your life out the other ear, and you can relax and avoid any questions you don’t want to answer. The census bureau just released an interesting statistic. Last year 14,153,237 people got married. 14,153,237 people got married. Shouldn’t that be an even number? If the answer is “a lot of people would leave the planet” what is the question. The first canned food appeared in 1811, but the can opener wasn’t invented until1855. I’ll bet dentists were dealing with a lot of broken teeth between 1811 and 1855. In an emergency Coke can substitute for oil in your car. But don’t try it around the other way. If the answer is “a lot of people would leave the planet” the question is “What would happen if spiders grew wings?” Best way to deal with spiders is form them into little teams and teach them how to play squash. Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind. A little housekeeping here…If you like these podcasts or my spoken word cds at www.dicksummer.com or my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot available at Amazon…shameless plug…please tell a couple of friends because they might like them too, and you’ll be doing me a favor.
It’s really comfortable doing my podcasts here in the “Been There Done That” part of my life. I don’t do drugs, because I can get the same effect by just standing up fast. I know several women who are quite pretty, but I’d want to throw a paper bag over their personalities. When I was doing a morning radio show, I found out the fastest way to wake up was take a nice hot cup of coffee and spill it in your lap. Every time I wish I were young again, I remember algebra homework.
As I was saying in today’s podcast, I like it here in the “Been There Done That” part of my life. I now know the truth of statements like, “Trouble always start out looking like fun. And “Don’t be too modest. A peacock that sits on his tail looks just like a turkey.” And “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Part of the value of issuing “Huhs?” in my podcasts, here in this “Been There Done That” part of my life is that I know I don’t have to be able to explain everything. For example, why do cereal and pancakes taste better at night? And why do bananas taste best sliced…and a really strange thing…cookie dough tastes better than the cookies. And how come soda from a can tastes better than soda from a plastic bottle…but soda from a glass bottle tastes best of all. I don’t need to be able to explain why chopped lettuce tastes better than lettuce leaves, and grated cheese is much tastier than sliced cheese. And I no longer worry about trying to explain why baby carrots taste better than full sized ones. And left over pizza is much pizzier than the pie right out of the oven. And fascinatingly, slicing a sandwich diagonally doubles the flavor. I live in the Been There Done That part of my life, so I don’t have to explain these things. I just know they’re true.
I have just read a book written by a very well known smart guy doctor. It gets a three breath Huh? It’s in toaday’s podcast. The essential premise of the book is that we are all just walking, talking, sacks of chemicals and electrical connections. Sorry doctor. That gets a great big three breath HUH. I have held a newborn baby in my arms, and I have watched my beautiful , sexy Lady Wonder Wench walk up a flight of stairs in tight jeans, and I have heard John Lennon sing Imagine there’s no heaven. And along with a half million other New Yorkers, on a late Summer night in Central Park what seems like a lifetime ago, I have heard the New York Philharmonic doing Beethoven’s Fifth. And Sinatra singing Nelson Riddle’s arrangement of I’ve Got You Under My Skin. Just a sack of chemicals and sparks? Huh! I don’t think so.