Archive for February, 2013

Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, February 27th, 2013

RiisPark, huh?  And funny noises?  Our son Dave has an answer for that one – “Ask her why she broke it.”

Why “I” broke it?????????? 

If I didn’t pay attention to funny noises, we wouldn’t have a usable car to drive.  And I do NOT tailgate; I just get annoyed with hot rodders in the left lane only doing 110 instead of … well, just loafing along.

I must admit, however, that my very own Lad never misses an opportunity to bring me flowers … and he always touches my hair as he walks by my chair… and smile?  Oh yeah …

Playing With Fire

Friday, February 22nd, 2013

I am just stretching out and relaxing here on my big, black, comfortable, manly leather poppa chair in my living room, after a long drive home from my buddy Al’s house. I didn’t actually do the driving. My Lady Wonder Wench did the driving, because we were taking the trip in her car, and because she is convinced that she is a better driver than I am. Which she is not. She tailgates and I hate that…because the idiot ahead of you is not to be trusted. But we take her car on long trips because it is much newer than mine, and in much better shape. It doesn’t slow down when you turn on the windshield wipers, it doesn’t leave streaks of oil on the side windows, and it doesn’t make mysterious noises that only my Lady Wonder Wench can hear.

Sometimes we’ll be driving in my car and she’ll say, “What’s that…that funny noise ?” We can be in the middle of a rush hour traffic jam on the highway, and he wants to know if I can hear a funny noise. She did that to me last week. We were in the middle of rush hour traffic, and I could hardly hear her let alone catch and diagnose some funny noise. She said “you better have it looked at.” I said “What ?” She said “That funny noise.” Like most guys I said, “Funny noise…yeah, sure. I ought to do that.” And I forgot all about it.

The next day I was out driving and even I heard the funny noise. This time it was pretty distinct. It sounded like either the fender was falling off, or the engine was breaking loose. Fortunately I was only a few blocks away from Mr. Goodwrench, and I brought it in and he said, “What seems to be the problem?” If I knew what the problem was, would I be standing there ? But a guy can’t say, “I heard this funny noise.” So I said, “There may be a problem with the front bearings.” He said, “What makes you think so?” What the hell was I going to say? So I said, “My wife said she heard this funny noise. I never drive the car, but that’s what she said.” He said, “Funny noise huh ? I said “Yeah, you know how they are.” He said, “Yeah, my wife heard one of those last week. It was the transmission. It was expensive.” Then he gave me that sad look I hate to see on a mechanic’s face, and he wrote, “Customer hears funny noise” on the work sheet, and he says, “Sign here” and he gave me keys to a loaner car circa early Gerald Ford presidential administration.  He called me back a few hours later and said, “We can’t make your car make any funny noises.” I wanted to say would you please get a second opinion. Maybe my wife could talk to your wife.”

Dick’s Details. Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast

1- If the smart guys in the white lab coats are right, why will it be easier to get a date in the next century?

2- Why do people from India seem shorter than they really are?

3- Why did I marry my secretary?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

So…I make mistakes with cars. Mistakes are the dues you pay for having a real life. I grew up in Brooklyn. My car was the BMT Subway. I finally got a car the year before I graduated from College. One of the mistakes I made in that car involved what I thought was a perfectly reasonable suggestion I made to a young lady by the name of Maureen in the Riis Park Parking lot one evening. It was that evening when I learned that “I’m fine” means “Don’t touch me with any part of your body that you don’t want cut, shredded or otherwise mangled.” In all the time I’d known her before, it seemed like her favorite sexy fantasy was being submissive. It turned out that women in her family have their own personal fight song. Women have always been confusing to me. I’ve seen my Lady Wonder Wench get pale and tremble and look at me in amazement just because she’s sitting next to me in the car. She really hates how I drive. But she’ll go flying with me while I’m piloting the plane with hardly a whimper. And she never punches me in the shoulder while I’m landing.

There’s a story in the Night Connections 3 Personal Audio CD about a guy who’s very distracted while he’s driving his car, because he’s afraid he may be about to make a huge mistake.

When you play with fire, you can get burned. And when you don’t play with fire, you can get very cold. Given the choice, I’ll play with fire every time. It’s an old story. A hot romance cools down to just a relationship. Kids and years and the mortgage…and her sexy black lace sits neglected…all bunched up in a ball…under the laundry. Not noticing when she’s tired, figuring there’s no reason to bring her flowers for no special reason except…she’s special…hands that are too full of the TV remote to brush a whisp of hair back from her face…and eventually…there’s no more fire to play with.

It is an old story. And it’s a warning. A lover eventually becomes a stranger. And a stranger becomes a lover. Most of the time, it’s not because of some big knockdown blow to the heart. Most of the time it’s just an accumulation of missing touches. Why is a touch too much for him to give? Why is a touch too much for her to ask for ? It’s like which one single snowflake will finally trigger an avalanche. Which one single small missing touch will finally smother the fire that’s been warming your lives? Which small careful touch will light a fire that turns a stranger into a lover. It usually happens on the edge of a moment. For centuries a small crack has been silently creeping through the almost solid rock at Niagra Falls. Nobody pays much attention. It’s just a small crack right now. But there will come one moment…someday…when the ledge, the railings, the tourists and the turbines will all go thundering over the falls. Which drop of water will do it.

“The End Of Time” is from the Night Connections 3 Personal Audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, check out the Night Connections 3 icon on the home page.

My old car has made lots of funny noises thru the years when my Lady Wonder Wench has been riding with me. I still don’t pay much attention to the noises the car makes. But I do pay a lot of attention to the noises she makes. Especially the ones that sound like the noises I was hoping to hear in that Riis Park parking lot a lot of years ago. I like playing with her fire.

Please check out my new book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot at  Thanks. Dick Summer 

Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, February 20th, 2013

HHHrrruuummm … that’s better than a sniff … and yes, the Lad made the same sound when he played with his Christmas trains and although he doesn’t quite make that Bbrruumm sound when we fly, it’s there, lying just under his thoughts … I can see it in his eyes … 

If I had known what gloves would do to his nervous system, I would have gotten a gazillion pairs long ago.  He has always been a real gentleman but NOW … well, all I can say is, look out, George whatever your name is …

 Have you ever seen the ground at a polo match?

All Groan Up

Saturday, February 16th, 2013

I now own a very stylish pair of leather gloves, and they are totally confusing me. I don’t follow fashions in clothing, or anything else because I like to march to a different accordion player. If my Lady Wonder Wench didn’t buy me clothes, like these gloves, I would probably still be wearing the same slacks I wore in college, and more than likely, I’d be using a bungee cord to hold them up. When she isn’t watching, I sometimes use a table spoon for a shoe horn. I have however been pretty good about honoring her request that I stop stirring my coffee with my car keys.

As I mentioned in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, Big Louie his own bad self…the top guy of our Louie Louie Generation encourages us to take command of our lives by walking tall, making eye contact, and speaking in a firm but smiling voice. And I do those things when it’s necessary. But sometimes, I just like to slouch and mumble. And I am confused, because I can’t seem to slouch or mumble when I’m wearing these gloves.

I usually don’t wear gloves. I’m from Brooklyn, and New York isn’t a glove town. On cold days, New York guys stick our hands in our pockets when we slouch and mumble. The only guys who wear gloves in New York play for the Mets, the Yanks or the Rangers. So I haven’t had a pair of gloves in years. In fact, I think the last gloves I had were kindergarten mittens with a string attached from one to the other so I wouldn’t lose them. But these are fancy, shmancy leather gloves and they have what you might call a Viagral effect on my whole body. They actually make me feel like standing up tall, making eye contact, and speaking in a firm but smiling voice, instead of slouching. Good Lord. Does that mean putting these gloves on actually makes me feel like a grown up ?

I have always been suspicious of growing up…too far…up. A little…growing up you’ve got to. Gotta make a living and all that stuff. But so far I’ve kept dangerous developments like maturing under control. Right there on page 69 of my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot it says: “Many people who are not guys will sometimes call those of us who are guys, ‘Maturity Challenged.’ And they’re right. But it’s not our fault. Big Louie says, a guy’s brain is swimming in a sea of testosterone, which gives him a deep voice, a beard, and a hand just the right size for using a TV remote. Now please remember that testosterone is a preservative. And what does a preservative do? It keeps nasty stuff from growing on things like meat. And growing is another word for maturing. So naturally, a brain that’s swimming in a sea of testosterone simply cannot grow and mature. It’s not our fault. We’re only guys. We do the best we can with what we’ve got to work with.” It’s right there in my book. Page 69. Get a copy.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

  1. Why are there condom topped taxis in Manhattan ?
  2. How do they make the grass grow green on Capitol Hill ?
  3. How can a sneeze get you pregnant in Sweden ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Sister Mary Knucklebuster always said, “Grow up.” Why? I liked being a kid. And they lied to me when I was a kid. I didn’t need algebra once today. Which is good, because I always knew you can’t really multiply letters. And no I can’t find your ex. Because I don’t think she’s coming back. Louie Louie guys don’t grow all the way up. Especially Louie Louie guys who are pilots. I go to the airport and climb in my airplane… carefully run the check lists, and I look around before I yell “Clear Prop” and start the engine, turn on the avionics…everything comes on with blinking lights…I love that. Then I call the tower and get taxi permission…I smoothly advance the throttle to taxi power, I get and acknowledge takeoff permission, and then…if nobody’s watching…as I firewall the throttle, I make that sound we all made as kids. BBrrrruuuummm. I’m not thinking of the job, or the mortgage or the kids. My head is completely full of BBrrrruuum. Brrruuum is the reason we have NASA. NASA doesn’t exist to benefit the human race by reaching for the stars. We don’t need hands full of stars…we don’t need to go to hostile, deadly worlds…we already have Chicago for that. NASA exists so we can go BBBRrrrruuum.

My friend Chuck just retired from a long and distinguished career as an airline pilot, and he’s no better than I am. He sent me a note last week that said, “I remember my third grade teacher Ms. Abernathy was always saying to me, ‘Charles, stop looking out the window. Nobody will ever pay you for looking out the window.” Chuck is a genuine Louie Louie lad. So he was over- joyed to note that he was grateful for an almost forty year career doing what he loves…looking out the window … of his airliner.

Pilots never grow up…too far. That kiddie sound…BBBrrruuum is always hiding somewhere in our heads. Ladies tend to like pilots. I think it’s because ladies tend to like kids. There’s a story about a lady who liked a pilot…a lot in the Night Connections 2 personal audio cd.

She’s young, and healthy, and even a little lovely. There will be other men. But none of them will ever have all of her…like he did. They won’t know that. But every one of them will have to share a secret part of her…with him. Forever.

“Just Enough” is from the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy check out the Night Connections 2 icon on the home page.

Women have to grow up, because guys need some adult supervision. We can’t always be going BBrrruuum. And we can’t slouch around and mumble all the time either. It’s pretty obvious that I don’t understand women. They don’t usually go BBruuum. And they very seldom slouch and mumble. But there’s something hiding just under the skin with women that’s really different from us. I’ve never been able to figure it out. But I’ve seen it. It’s there.

My Lady Wonder Wench knows all about astronomy, and history, and manners. She’s smart. She knew exactly how to act all those years ago when she first met my mother and my aunts, and how to take care of the kids, and she kept me sane when I got fired. But she wasn’t really acting like a grown up when she gave me these gloves. She was sitting on the floor like a little girl, and teasing me and laughing…when she gave me the gloves…this woman who even knows how to act at a polo match. It’s hugely female when she does things like that. It’s nothing like the kind of BBrrruuum that’s always buzzing around in my head. It’s frankly…grown up and sexy. And different.

These gloves really confuse me. Why…when I put them on, do I automatically stop slouching and mumbling. It’s like I can’t help myself. I stand up straight, I make eye contact, and I speak in a firm but friendly voice. I do not want to be all grown up. The word grown can be spelled two ways.” Grown” or” groan.” As in “groan up.” And I’m not going there. At least not all the way there.

So when I put these gloves on, I always make it a point to walk over to my Lady…and stand very close…and breathe heavily on her glasses so she can’t see where I’m putting my hands…and smile, and brush her hair back from her eyes, and kiss… her ear…slowly…and I whisper BBBrrrrruuuum. 



Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, February 13th, 2013

When I was little I always looked under my bed on Valentine’s Day to see what “someone” left me.  And my dad never let me down. Now my Lad does him one better.  He always hides little boxes of chocolate around the house (as if I need chocolate!) … and this year … oh my, if you all could see my ring.  It’s a peridot (for August) and it is the loveliest ring in the world.  Not as green as an emerald and not as yellowy as a diamond … but it glows with life and it has flowers in it!!! 

 There’s not much to get a Louie Louie Lad for Valentine’s Day so I just let him spoil the hell out of me.  And no one – I do mean no one – will ever get this ring from me.

 Don’t let the s.o.b.’s get you, Gabby.  You are stronger thanMountOlympus, especially with Mark to hold your hand. 

 I know about that.

Luck, Guts and Love

Saturday, February 9th, 2013

I just got knocked on my backside. Fortunately, my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair was right there to take the hit. Just for the heck of it, I took a very un-scientific poll of a bunch of friends of mine about Valentine’s Day, and the results shocked me. More than 90% of them…both sexes…just kinda blew Valentine’s day off. One of the guys I talked to said, “I’m too old for that kind of thing.” Big Louie the Chief Mustard Cutter of our Louie Louie Generation, went nose to nose with that guy. It’s right there in the book, Staying Happy, Healthy And Hot. Louie said, “As long as you have some moving parts left, for crying out loud move ‘em.” One guy even said, “That love stuff is just stupid.” 

Sometimes it is, but mostly it’s something else. The J. Geils Band had a song called “Love Stinks.” There was a movie called “Love Stinks” too. Sometimes it does. John Lennon had a song called “All You Need Is Love.” Wrong. Gotta eat too. Connie Francis sang a tune called, “Stupid Cupid.” That’s not quite true. Love has nothing to do with being smart or stupid. It has everything to do with having some luck, and the guts to let yourself fall, with no safety net. Love takes luck and guts. I think lots of the people in my survey aren’t too old for love, I think they’re too scared.  

There’s all kinds of love. Besides the sexy kind, there’s love of country, love of God, love of family…I even love my little airplane. One of the gutsiest, most beautiful women I’ve ever seen stood up with her lover in front of the TV cameras on all the news casts a few days ago, and proved what I’m talking about. She absolutely nailed it. They didn’t get it. The newscasters thought it was just a news story. But it was also an epic love story. 

I got lucky with my Lady Wonder Wench. We both like Valentines’ day. Actually, I usually look forward to the morning after…especially on those occasions when the mirrors are still all steamed up from the night before, I have to work at un-crossing my eyes, there’s a stain on the wallpaper from my her body cream, any dental caps that were a little loose are all over the floor and the bed is in splinters. I love the  wide eyed looks you get from the neighbors for weeks after you have a Valentine’s Day celebration like that.   

As you can imagine, that kind of celebration takes a lot of energy. So every Valentine’s Day evening we have a special dinner at a restaurant we like called the Farm House. As the name suggests, it’s a big, old, renovated farm house. It has wide, polished oak floor boards, fastened with wood pegs…big fireplaces warming every room…and filling the air with the perfume of burning pine. We have a favorite table…usually there’s a candle on it that puts a small flame at about the level of my Lady’s beautiful blue eyes…it’s an elegant reminder of the old legend that says, “If a woman lets a man look directly into her eyes for two whole minutes, she’ll be his in an hour. 

The room is full of mostly Louie-Louie ladies and lads. And they’re paying attention to each other…talking with each other about memories, plans, passions, and dreams. It’s warm, quiet, graceful talk. You don’t hear individual conversations, but you can hear the smiling, soft murmur of the very personal voices that are purring all around the room. It’s really the sound of aural sex…right there in the restaurant. A U R A L sex. Words. Warm, wonderful words. 

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers in the current podcast. 

1- What should you do if your doctor says you have genitor-femoral neuropathy ?

2- Why do so many people have constrictive orobricularis oris on Valentine’s Day?

3- What do “Ancient historians claim they were doing with Scotch, gin and whiskey ? 

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Love takes luck and guts. You’ve got to be willing to trust your instincts enough to let go and fall…no safety net. It’s a huge risk. You’ve got to be ready to blow up your life for somebody…or something you believe in. That’s the difference between a romance and a relationship. A relationship develops.  A romance explodes. A relationship makes progress. A romance makes sweat. Mutual sweating is a great help in keeping the people who are doing the mutually sweating stuck together. 

Lots of people aren’t with their first choice of lovers on Valentine’s Day. And very often, that’s because some time…maybe a long time ago… they didn’t have the guts to take the necessary risk. When you think about it, it’s pretty clear that the biggest risk of all, is being afraid to take a risk. That’s what happened to the guy in the bedtime story called, The Prince of Fantasy. 

There’s a time for loving, and a time for leaving. Sometimes the space between the loving and the leaving is a life time. Sometimes it’s crushed into just one magic moment. And sometimes the hottest loves end in the coldest good byes. But there’s always hope. Poor, beaten up, sometimes tearful…old hope. 

The Prince of Fantasy is from the Bedtime Stories Personal Audio CD. If you like it you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just check out the Bedtime Stories icon on the home page. 

Louie Louie Generation folks who love Valentine’s Day are sometimes called hopeless romantics. And I’ve thought about that a lot. It seems to me that there is no such thing as a hopeless romantic. Because the only way you can be a romantic is if you are full of hope. There’s nothing that’s absolutely certain about hope. There’s no hope if it’s a sure thing. The only way you can have hope is to have the guts to take a chance…to risk failure. Hope is the opposite of a done deal. Having hope means I may get my heart torn out by loving my Lady Wonder Wench, but she’s worth the risk.

 I don’t think you can make anybody love you. So you can’t really make love. It happens if you’re lucky…and you have the guts to take the risk…and you take the time for slow, all night kisses, and you have a shoulder that’s ready for some of her tears…and you hold her hand…through everything…no matter how tough it is…you never let go of her hand. Never.

The beautiful lady on the TV newscasts has a lover like that. He never let go of her hand. I don’t think he ever will. It took a lot of guts for her to stand there and talk about love. All kinds of love. You may remember what she said. I hope you do.

 It will be hard. But the time is now. You must act. Be bold. Be courageous. Americans are counting on you.” Gabby Giffords said it. And her Astronaut, U.S. Navy Combat pilot husband Mark Kelly never let go of her hand.

My Lady Wonder Wench and I wish you…love.

Dickie Quickie

Friday, February 8th, 2013

This is a no kidding, PAY ATTENTION note: I’ve just heard from my friend John in Massachusetts. He’s on the cape. As a retired sea capt. he knows weather. He’s hunkering down hard. They’re expecting up to three feet of snow, and winds around hurricane force. I’m a pilot, and I’ve been checking the radar. DO NOT MESS WITH THIS SYSTEM. John says the blog, podcast and email might go down if his backup power goes out. PLEASE STAY OFF THE ROADS for the next 36 hours. Here are some tips that might help:

The Northeast is bracing for a winter storm, which is expected to dump up to 3 feet of snow in some parts of the region. As people bundle up to keep warm from the icy rain, snow and sleet, the most dangerous conditions could potentially be on the road.

According to a survey conducted by State Farm and KRC Research, 60 percent of drivers have “junk” or non-emergency supplies in the trunk of their car. While 99 percent of people had at least one emergency item, only 9 percent were fully equipped just in case they had car trouble during the storm.

State Farm suggested that all drivers should have these items:

  • Hazard triangle or road flares
  • First aid kit
  • Jumper cables
  • Windshield scraper and brush
  • Spare tire
  • Blankets and extra warm clothing
  • Cell phone and charger
  • High-calorie, non-perishable food
  • Road salt or cat litter to help with traction
  • Candle/matches or lighter
  • Tarp for sitting or kneeling in the snow for exterior work like a tire change
  • Extra clothing and non-perishable food if you have young children

“In these weather conditions, it’s better to stay off the road, but if you do have to hit the road it’s better to be prepared and have this stuff in your car,” Rachael Risinger, State Farm Public Affairs Specialist, said to

In general, you should also make sure your gas tank is at least half full in bad whether and that your spare tire has the correct air pressure, according to the company. Check that your supplies are still working twice a year.

Play Video

As blizzard nears, travel delays expected

If you do find yourself stranded on the road, don’t panic. State Farm advises to pull off the highway when possible. Turn on your hazard lights and hang a distress flag from your antenna or window. If you have a phone on you, call 911 and describe where you are in as much detail as possible. Most importantly, stay in your car as much as possible.

If you’re going to be in your car for a while, you might be tempted to use your car’s heater to keep warm. To prevent carbon monoxide poisoning, run your vehicle’s engine and heater only 10 minutes every hour. Keep a window cracked for ventilation and clear snow from the exhaust pipe if it’s safe to go outside. Keep drinking to avoid dehydration.

Try not to waste your battery and only use it for necessary items. It can help if you are stuck at night to turn on an inside light when you run the engine so other people can see you.

“Use your battery power carefully,” Risinger explained. “You want to make sure you have enough for heat. Don’t waste it on lights or the radio.”

Play Video

Northeast blizzard may break records

Even if you’re not driving, you should be prepared just in case you get stuck at home. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends keeping a week’s worth of food and safety supplies stocked up in the event of snow. Such supplies may include drinking water, canned foods or foods that don’t need to be cooked, non-electric can opener, baby food and formula, prescription drugs and other medications, a first-aid kit, rock salt, battery-powered lamps and a flashlight.

Dr. Robert Glatter, an emergency medicine physician at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City, adds that it’s important to take measures to stay warm, paying close attention to the head and scalp which could be most at risk for heat loss in cold temperatures, especially if you’re going to be outdoors.

“In the cold weather, make sure you also keep your head, face and nose covered and dress in layers to prevent heat loss,” Glatter recommended in an email to “It is important to wear sturdy insulated boots with thick wool socks which help to keep your feet warm while out in the cold temperatures or while shoveling snow.”


For people in poor health or who have a history of heart disease and stroke, the combination of cold weather and physical activity from shoveling could dramatically increase risk for a heart attack, according to the American Heart Association.

“Take frequent breaks while shoveling and keep yourself well hydrated both before and after shoveling,” Glatter urged. “If you develop chest pain difficulty breathing dizziness arm or back pain while shoveling, stop — and call 911.”

The AHA adds that people should use a small shovel or consider a snow blower, because lifting heavy now could raise blood pressure significantly during the lift. It’s safer to lift smaller amounts more times, or simply push the snow, according to the association.

Other potential risks include back injuries — which could be prevented by lifting the shovel with your legs — or falls and slips when walking outdoors. People should wear sturdy, insulated boots and walk slowly, looking carefully at both feet and the pavement in front of them to avoid any potential patches of ice mixed in with the snow, said Glatter.

Don’t drink alcohol or caffeine immediately before or after shoveling, because they can lead to dehydration, he added.

Hypothermia is also a risk, and can occur within 15 or 20 minutes if you’re outdoors in below-freezing temperature without proper covering. Symptoms of hypothermia include confusion, dizziness, and shivering, with elderly people and young children are most at risk. Hypothermia can also lead to heart failure and death, warned the AHA.

Call 911 and remove the person from the outdoors if they are showing these symptoms.

Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, February 6th, 2013

Thank you all you neat Louie Louie Lasses … and a few Lads as well … for understanding how difficult it is to get the Lad to listen …

 Okay, now, let’s see … I knew the Lad’s mom and she never short-changed him with a wool sweater.  A little heavy duty cotton maybe, but … my poor Lad is simply looking for an excuse to have everyone feel sorry for him being born in Feb.  What the heck, I was born in August and THAT is hot.

 Notice how I left off the brr up above?

 I figure that if the good lord had known of the Lad’s birth one cold winter morning, He would have given a party and let the celebration warm up all the attendees.  Hmm – seems to me I recall his mom saying just that …

 Never you mind, Lasses of the world, this Lad has plenty of attention and warm socks and even gloves for his ever busy fingers.  Now if I can just figure out how to separate us  long enough to cook dinner …

February Is Half Way There

Friday, February 1st, 2013

I’m sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room, getting ready for an interview about my new book, Staying Happy, Healthy And Hot on my friend Michael Harrison’s radio show, A Touch of Grey. He calls his show, The Talk Show For Grown-ups. It’s fun doing these interviews. I got to talk with Pia Lindstrom on Sirius/XM radio last week. It was such a lot of fun that my son David…who is also our podcast master…posted it on the website at It’s right under the book cover on the home page. Give it a listen when you have a moment.

Pia was questioning what I said in the book about how Louie Louie Generation guys are the bedmates of choice for lusty lady executives, and Catherine Zeta Jones look-alikes. She thought maybe ladies might be more interested in young Brazilian guys who know how to tango. No, Pia. A tango with a pimple person kid can’t compare to an evening with a Louie Louie Lad who says things like…”Good evening, and welcome to my home. Let me help you off with your fur coat and boots. Just stretch out on the couch by the fire, and I’ll rub your poor cold feet a little.. Would you like some wine ? There’s a bottle of Piesporter Goldtrepkin that should be at about just the right chill right now. Did you know your hair has already picked up just a hint of the scent of pine from the fire? Oh, your hands are cold too…let me warm them for you…if you’d like to change, I have a lovely, soft, warm robe you could use…You have such a lovely smile…you smile with style…I know it’s been a long, hard day, and a back rub with some nice, warm oil would release some of that tension you know…Why not just relax here by the fire with me…warm and safe. It’s an old oak log, so it will last late into the night. I know you don’t think you should stay, but the wind outside is so cold, and your face is so soft, and the firelight is so warm in your eyes. Let me keep you warm and safe for a while.”

Ha! Take that Brazilian Pimple People guys dancing your fancy tangos.

Louie Louie Lads love to keep our ladies warm in the February cold. And it’s Feb-RU-ary by the way. I hate it when people skip the R in February. The word is FEBRUARY. Not Febyouary. It’s a really cold and nasty month, except for Valentine’s Day. So maybe it’s brain freeze. Or maybe it’s something more serious and sinister. Think about this. Suppose you were God, and you wanted to make a really nasty, cold month…which if you were God, you’d have a perfect right to do. Maybe you wanted people to know, and appreciate, that just as you could make a stinking hot month like August, you could make a crappy cold month too if you felt like it. In your mercy, you’d make it shorter than the other months, but it would be really nasty cold. So you made the month, and gave it the name February… because, FeBRUary has that nice kind of cold BRRR sound in there. Now suppose your clueless people keep leaving out the BRRR. They keep calling it Febyouary. If you were God, wouldn’t you kind of tighten down the cold screws a little, hoping people would get the point ? Of course you would.

I was born in February, and I blame the cold weather for my introduction to what I have come to call, when I’m looking for excess sympathy, my “lifetime of emotional rejection.” I was born in February. And can you imagine how hard it is for a new born infant to nurse through a wool sweater ?

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-  Who would many Americans like to see get the first known third finger transplant, and why ?

2-  Why should your first move be to remove your clothes when confronted with excess bull ?

3-  Where is the largest concentration of crazy people in the U.S.?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

In February, there are especially sexy places in Brooklyn where you can’t get satellite reception because of the electrical interference from all the static electricity sparks from skin rubbing against all those wool sweaters. I am a Louie-Louie Generation guy, born in Brooklyn…in February…so I know about these things. I remember Sister Mary Knucklebuster telling the guys in the fifth grade, that those sparks were little tiny lightning strikes, put into girl’s sweaters by God to make us keep our fingers to ourselves. I don’t know what she told the girls. But whatever it was, it seemed to be highly effective for all but a very few, very popular young ladies.

One good thing about February; it means we’ve made it about half way through the winter. There’s a story about taking a long winter drive to see my Lady in the lovin touch Personal Audio CD.

It has been a long time since I took that drive. She’s here with me now. And that can be a problem for some people. Sometimes when there hasn’t been any physical distance between two people for a long time, an emotional distance starts growing between them. If they’re not very careful, instead of a simple drive through the night to be together, they begin a quietly tragic journey full of long silences, and angry glances, and sarcastic remarks…that take them emotionally away from each other. One night at a time, their lover’s Spring turns February cold. It has been a long time for us. The small pine tree I planted in the yard towers over our home now. But my lady and I know the danger. And so far, we have kept each other warm and safe inside.

“Winter” is from the lovin touch personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy check out the loving touch icon on the home page. And while you’re there, give a listen to the Pia Lindstrom interview. The (free) download is right under the picture of the book cover.

Maybe it’s just that I was born in February, but it really grates on my one remaining nerve to hear people say the word February without the brrrr. What’s a Febyouary? The BRRR is important. How would you like to go see a Boadway play ? If you come to a red light in your car, are you going to step on the bake? Maybe it doesn’t bother you, but when somebody says Febyouary…I want to strangle that person with my cold fingertips.

You and I…us…we…are a very small huddle of humans. There aren’t very many of us. But we can make a difference. We can stop bringing down the wrath of God, by ignoring the BRRRR He put in February. If He wants us to know he can make a month just as nasty as August, but in the other direction…don’t fight it. Don’t get Him even more ticked off, or we’ll land up dodging polar bears in mid-town traffic. Admit it. It’s cold. Repeat after me. FebBRRRRuary. And tell your friends to do the same. Please. It’ll make a big difference. It might even make February cool again…instead of so damn cold. And it could…possibly… even help ease some of the pain of rejection that I have felt, ever since mom wore that thick, wool sweater, while I was trying to nurse, all those years ago.