Dick Summer Connection

Be careful what you ask for, because you might get it. It happened to me. Yesterday, my buddy Bob and I were discussing the fact that our kids are now driving cars, and we’re riding our exercise bikes. So we started trying to figure out…what is the subtle difference between growing older, and getting old. Here’s how I see it. Getting old is when you sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. Your knees buckle, but your belt won’t. You’re sitting in your rocking chair, but you can’t make it go. You get winded playing chess. That’s getting old.

But getting older, can actually be a little fun. Look, I think Big Louie, His Own Bad Self…the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation is right when he says, “Trickery and deceit usually defeats youth and skill.” It’s like the baseball pitcher who smiled as the batters ducked when he threw his 100 mile an hour fastball a little inside a few years ago. And now, even though the radar gun is showing only around 89, the smile is still there as he watches the batters screw themselves into the dirt swinging at his nice new slow slider.

The biggest difference between getting older, as all us members of the Louie-Louie Generation are doing, and just getting old,  is that we have attitude, and we know how to use it. We keep things in perspective. When somebody tells us to “Have a nice day” we tell them, “Thank you but I have other plans.” Instead of making up depressing lists of things we have to get done, we make lists of things that we’ve recently completed…and we look at them with great satisfaction…and we say…”wow I’m good and I’m getting better.” We are not above sticking a post it that reads “Out to lunch” on our foreheads, or putting our glasses on upside down to make people laugh. That’s different from putting on baseball caps backwards. That’s not attitude…that just looks dumb.

Attitude can be kind of hard to explain to people who’ve had theirs dry up and drop off…because they got old. It’s like the song Louie-Louie itself. It has attitude. Most people thought it was dirty. We knew it wasn’t, and we laughed at all the Forces For Good In The Community who were Shocked by it…Shocked I tell you. Attitude is good. It keeps us from wasting energy by over reacting. We understand that if you lend a guy $20 and you never see that guy again, it was probably worth it.  

You can’t really explain what attitude is. But you know it when you see it. I guess some things are just harder to explain than others. For example, how come we put a man on the moon before we figured out you could put wheels on luggage ? Why is a loaf of bread square, when sandwich meat is round ? Why is an actor IN a movie, but he’s ON tv. And even my Lady Wonder Wench can’t explain why a bra is singular but panties are plural ?

Louie-Louie Generation people have attitude. We pick our partners. We don’t just take whoever comes along. We take our chances. I know for a fact that one of you showed up at someone’s door in the middle of the night last Tuesday, un-announced, ready, and breathing hard. And he didn’t turn her away. And one of you fell off the wagon and got drunk again last night. But you woke up this morning and promised yourself you’d start all over again today…day one all over again. You said, “I did it before, and I can do it again.” And two of you found out you lost a son today…in some country with a name you can’t even pronounce. No words can match your tears…or describe the comfort only you can give each other… or give a voice to your tremendous pride.  Big Louie is smiling at that kind of attitude…and trying not to lose it…and so am I.   

Dick’s Details quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1- Why is it dangerous for a beautiful woman to play cards late at night?

2- Why do I hope that the Japanese won’t have to stack their women.

3- How do we know that the can opener was invented by very hungry people ?

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Keep that good Louie-Louie Generation attitude going group. If your kid keeps whining while you’re baking, and he says Mommy, Mommy can I lick the bowl ? Tell him no…flush it like everybody else. It’s not easy being a mom. I always get a kick out of listening to the change in a woman’s voice, when she’s been screaming at the kids, and then she goes to answer the phone. WILL YOU KIDS STOP DIPPING THE CAT IN THE TOILET – Hello ??? One of the biggest changes a woman has to make is from being a mom to the kids, to being a temptress to her husband. There’s a story about that in the Night Connections personal audio cd. It’s called The Couples Concert. If you like it, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the icon on the opening page.

And just for the record, I think there are very few sexier things than a tired woman with a smile on her face, a warm attitude, and a happy sense of humor.

Louie-Louie Generation folks know things. We’ve been to the movies. We know for example that all beds have L shaped sheets that reach the armpit of the woman, but only the waist of the guy lying beside her. A man will show no pain while taking a hideous beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. And a detective can only solve a case after he has been unjustly suspended from duty.

But we’ve also been around long enough to know some other  things. Like when my jeans are getting too hard to button, it means I shouldn’t complain…I have enough to eat. And the fact that I have to pay taxes means I have a decent job. And when I have to clean up a big mess after a party, it means I have had lots of family and friends around. And when I hear constant complaints about our country, my attitude is…I like having freedom of speech.  

Attitude. Keep humming Louie-Louie. It’s the difference between getting older and getting old. But do be careful of what you wish for because you might get it. I was telling my buddy Bob yesterday, that I sure wish I could have a teenager’s body again. And this morning, when I was shaving, I found a pimple.

What’s a good Louie-Louie Generation guy supposed to do when he needs a good back scratch, but he’s out of luck because his personal Catherine Zeta Jones is off grocery shopping?  What’s he supposed to do when an overwhelming thirst strikes, but the nearest woman who looks like Angelina Jolie is out being measured for her new bikini, so she can’t go and get him something cold?

The answer is…Summer’s Solo Sleazies.  They were developed because even the best women… like my Lady Wonder Wench… have been known to occasionally forego the pleasures of the flesh in favor of brushing their teeth, discussing a new neighbor on the phone, or going grocery shopping.

My Lady Wonder Wench came home yesterday totally exhausted, and she said, “You can’t believe how much I’ve had it with the idiots out there.  Leave me alone.”  Being the sensitive Louie-Louie Generation guy that I am, I instantly caught the subtle hint that if I tried any of my famous “Tricky – Dickie” stuff on her to change her mind, I would risk putting myself in serious danger of having her remove my Viagral parts with a spoon.

Ms. Wench is pretty good at dealing with my “Tricky-Dickie” stuff anyway.  So I was thinking that an evening of prayer and fasting might be in store, even as a power point presentation of the girls wearing the latest fashions in the latest Victoria’s Secret catalogue started running through my head.  They had to run.  If they slowed down I’d have caught them all.

So it was obvious that I was going to have to relieve the pressures of life unilaterally, with some of the solitary sensual pleasures that are available to all of us.  Skipping gaily past the obvious ones that Sister Mary Holy Hygiene taught us would result in hairy palms, blindness, and eternal damnation, leaves us with the elementary beginnings of Summer’s Solo Sleazies.  To whit:

1- Solo Scratching

2- Retro Rubbing

3- Sensual Showering

4- Sexy Scalping

5- Sinful Sneezing

Here’s how you partake:

1- Solo Scratching.  You can reach lots of your own back if you really try (while nobody is watching).  Reach over your shoulders, while pushing up on your elbow with your free hand, and you’ll make it pretty far down your spine.  You can also access your back by putting your hands on your hips and slowly sliding them up, while using your fingernails to do you know what.  I know going solo on this cuts down on the social aspects of back scratching which are so desirable, but it can still be semi-satisfying to all but the most demanding sensualists.

Some Solo Scratchers use various scratching aids to enhance the pleasure.  A fork does wonders to extend reach.  Better still, try a hamburger flipper or a soup ladle.  Be careful not to scratch too hard, though, because you can leave marks that could cause comments from your designated partner in the morning.  For guys, another variation is scratching the tops of your shoulders with an un-shaved chin.  This one gets me really weird looks from my Lady Wonder Wench, but that also reminds her that she has long fingernails for a reason…and she should be using them more frequently for that reason.  Solo Scratching should not be confused with…

2- Retro Rubbing … which is the slow and mostly circular manipulation of every reachable muscle in your body.  Start between your toes, work up past the soles and tops of your feet…your ankles…your legs…you get the idea.  Retro Rubbing Gurus can often make it all the way up to the neck.  And with practice, you can join them.  Big Louie, His Own Bad Self…the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation…is said to be able to Retro Rub from the base of his skull all the way to the top of his head without causing undue damage to his eyes.  In less experienced hands, Cranial Retro Rubbing, as this practice is called by professionals, has been known to result in such passionate eyelid squeezing that those with longish lashes have found them twisted and knotted together for days after the experience, making it impossible for them to actually open their eyes.  Many a poor lad has made a terrible mistake late at night in a bar due to the inability to get his eyes completely open…until the next morning.  And by then it’s usually too late.

There are those who make use of mechanical aids to Retro Rubbing.  Vibrators of every shape and horsepower are available for the advanced Retro Rubber.  Some are designed for internal use by ladies or extremely kinky guys.  We’ve had some reports of absolutely shocking results from the use of such aids, and Big Louie suggests you actually use them only under the direction of a qualified person, such as Carmen Electra.

3- Sensual Showering hardly needs an explanation.  Warm water splashing on your face, sliding down your neck, making soap snakes writhe down your shoulders…just making you think of that leaves me open to investigation by the Forces For Good In The Community for a violation of the infamous “Goodie Two Shoes Act,” which says it’s bad to make yourself feel good.  And of course, not to be ignored, is the Carnegie Hall effect that a shower stall has on your singing voice.  That’s part of the overall attraction of even a solo Sensual Showering.  Sensual Showering duets will be covered in a later blog under the heading of OOOOHHH GOD, YESSSS !

4- Sexy Scalping is the slow, sliding scratch that begins at the bottom of your neck and moves up to the base of your hair line. Advanced Sexy Scalpers have been known to take it even further…sometimes all the way to the top of their heads, in a maneuver known to professionals simply as “Going All The Way.” “Going All The Way” is considered by the uninformed to be a sub set of the more generalized Solo Scratching Sleaze.  But those who have experienced the low animal growl that “Going All The Way” often produces, just smile condescendingly and move on to….

5- Sinful Sneezing.  Solo Sleaze experts are always trying to explain to the skeptical masses the true joy of sneezing.  The easiest way to understand this is to compare the sneeze with a cough.  The cough hurts.  The Sneeze…well…there are those of us who feel that it’s the third best feeling that the Lord has given us.  Maybe he gave us the Sneeze to make up for the discomfort of colds, the Swine Flu, and Bubonic Plague.  But as Big Louie always says…”Why wait for a cold?  Just stare at a light bulb for a minute or so, and you’ll be sneezing yourself into sensualist serenity.”

Dick’s Details Quiz.  (All answers are in the current podcast.)

1- What does the Water Closet Ghost say to men?

2- Why might you have to burn your Jumentous underwear?

3- Why do some people literally bang their heads against a wall in an effort to lose weight?

Dick’s Details.  They take your mind off your mind.

In honor of our discussion of Summer’s Solo Sleazies, there is a cut from the Quiet Hands Personal Audio CD called “A Helping Hand” in the current podcast.  If you like it, you can just keep the podcast.  Or if you want a fresh copy, just go back to the home page and download it from the Quiet Hands icon.

I am not generally in favor of the excessive use of Summer’s Solo Sleazies, since I much prefer enjoying the participation of my Passionate Personal Partner in such sensually significant stuff.

But until we Louie-Louie Generation lads get better at mind reading, or our Louie-Louie Generation ladies stop going silent for weeks at a time, they are at least semi helpful tools in the on going battle to come to grips (so to speak) with the fact that even the women in the Victoria’s Secret catalogue are not ALWAYS thinking about sex.  And what a waste that is.  

 I’m sitting here in my big, black, comfortable, leather, Pappa chair in my living room, trying to figure out why I bought my Lady Wonder Wench a new car today. It wasn’t in my plans.  But…you should have seen the look on her face when I gave her the keys.

Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation has the only possible explanation for this. He says, “A man’s plans are written in the sands.”  That’s a kind way of saying that about half the things you expect to do…you won’t do. And half the things you don’t expect to do, you might do. Or maybe not. Either way, don’t be surprised if you get a surprise. Especially if your plans involve some other guy’s plans, and all of a sudden for some reason, he’s suddenly standing there scratching his head and ducking something that’s about to smack him between the ears.

A new car was definitely not in my plans or our budget. I’m hoping to retire at the end of this year. Actually…I’m scared out of my mind about retiring…I’ve been working since I was 12…not especially hard…but working…and…I guess that’s a subject for another time.

But obviously, in order to figure out how much money you’re going to need when you retire, you need to take a look at how many years you’ll probably be around. I figure about fifteen should do it for me. And to be blunt about it, my Lady Wonder Wench’s new car cost about one of those year’s retirement money. That’s WHY it REALLY wasn’t in the plans. “A man’s plans are written in the sands.”

Actually, my life has turned out to be even better than I could possibly have planned it. For the most part, it’s been like buying a box of chocolates, and finding a second layer of candy under the one on top. Maybe it’s because I usually tend to see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe it’s just plain dumb luck. And come to think of it, what the heck is dumb about luck ?

I figure the trick is, you’ve got to trust yourself…and of course the good advice of Big Louie, his own bad self. And Louie agrees with me. He’s always warning us not to pay too much attention to the so called experts…even the ones who really should know. He says, “If you ask a turkey what he should be stuffed with, he’ll tell you grasshoppers, seeds, and worms.” If we paid attention to that kind of expert advice, Thanksgiving would lose lots of its appeal. And of course, all the people who REALLY know how to run the government are doing talk shows, driving cabs and cutting hair.

There are party planners, and meeting planners, and your monthly planner, and there’s even evacuation plans. Some evacuation plans are a little hairy. I lived on Long Island for a long time. There’s a nuclear plant on the north shore. The government’s evacuation plan, believe it or not, was that if there was a meltdown, everybody on long Island would get on the long island expressway, and drive into Manhattan. That’s not a plan. That’s a bad joke.

Some people are involved with Planned Parenthood…which is mostly about not becoming a parent. I think it’s amazing when people say, “we’re working at having a baby.” That’s the kind of work for which…since I have six kids… I feel I am well qualified.

And besides the Viagral elements involved, I also know about a baby’s five basic needs. Food, shelter, love, sunlight, and peek a boo. It’s fascinating to me…the perspective of a little kid. You put your hands up over your eyes, and the world disappears. You put your hands down, and everything (pop) re-appears. You’re in charge…of the universe.

There are places a woman can go to check and see if she’s pregnant. If she is, and she wants an abortion, she goes into another room, where there is a qualified doctor, and the job gets done. I’ve always thought that there must be some women who are disappointed when they find out they’re not pregnant. And there should be another room, just down the hall with soft lights, nice music and a waterbed…where some equally well qualified worker…like myself for example…can get THAT job done. Please don’t mention I said this to certain people named Lady Wonder Wench, because I don’t want her to take aim at me with her new car.

Like many women, sometimes I think my Lady Wonder Wench sees a car as a weapon of revenge. And after all, she did get the short end of the stick. When we got married, I got her, but she only got me. She is really something. When she wears her hair up, and shows off her sexy neck, it’s the equivalent of other women wearing an indecently short mini skirt. But as I was saying to her today, “you’ve got to calm down a little…when you notice that more and more people are yelling at you, and a significant number of them are lying on the hood of your new car. The one that wasn’t in the plans. The one that’s the result of the fact that a man’s plans are written in the sands.”

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

We discussed the true meaning of several common English words. Please give me the simple, common English word that describes each of the following:

1- Where some women wear their hemlines.

2- What you do to relax your girlfriend.

3- What a guy in a boat does.

4- What a woman has to do to get the tv changer away from her husband.

5- What you call a sailor in an undersea craft. 

Dick’s Details take your mind off your mind.

Sometimes you’ve got to change your plans. In fact, change is always inevitable. Except from a candy machine. But changes almost always cause us problems. Even when the change is that all of a sudden, things are just…staying the same. There’s a story about that in the personal audio cd called Love Comes When You Least Expect It. The story is called Beauty and the Beast.

If you like it, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you  want a fresh copy, just go back to the home page, and download it from the icon.

I think most of the time we have two reasons for the things we do. A good reason, and the real reason. A good reason for buying this expensive new car is so my Lady Wonder Wench will have dependable transportation. The real reason for buying this hideously expensive new car for her is that I’m hoping to retire pretty soon. I haven’t come to the point where most of the stuff in my shopping cart says “For fast relief”, and my memory isn’t bad enough for me to hide my own Easter eggs. But this formerly hunky bod is beginning to make the same kind of noises as my coffee maker.

I figure I’ve got about fifteen years left, and I plan on spending them all with My Lady. That’s the plan.  But I know my buddy Big Louie is right. ”A man’s plans are written in the sands.”

And you should have seen her face when I handed her the keys.

There’s a shirt missing. It’s been hanging in front of the mirror here in our living room for a year now…and tonight, it’s gone. My Lady Wonder Wench probably tossed it into the laundry. I got used to looking at for a whole year while I was sitting in my big, comfortable, black leather Pappa Chair.  It was part of the living room decoration…like the pictures of my mom and dad when they were very young and very much in love, and the beautiful needlepoint Lady Wonder Wench made of the lady and her cat… and my late brother in law Bob’s Military flag in the wooden triangle on the wall.

Shirts say things about us. When you want somebody to have patience, you say, “Hey…keep your shirt on.” I found out that expression started because it was the custom a long time ago, that when somebody got involved in a fight, he took off his shirt to keep it from getting torn. So…”Hey…keep your shirt on makes sense.” Then there’s the kind of guy who lights up the room when he leaves…he’s a “Stuffed shirt.” Not to be confused with a lady with a dangerously low IQ, but exceptionally generous curves, who is sometimes said to be a “Nicely stuffed shirt.” I just made that up. But I like it so I think I’ll leave it in.

A very generous person would give you the shirt off his back. And when you’re getting ready for some heavy duty work, you roll your shirt sleeves up.

There’s a sport shirt, and a dress shirt. And for some reason, a dress shirt is mostly worn by guys…many of whom are seldom if ever seen wearing a dress. There’s a uniform shirt, with four stripes on the shoulders if you’re an airline captain, or four stars if you’re a general who’s been around so long he can’t remember being a captain. Lots of times a uniform shirt has a name tag on it, in case the person wearing it needs a hint when he’s signing a check. No kidding…I actually saw a guy at the airport taking a glance down at the name tag on his shirt. What was that all about ? I was wondering where he stashed the body of the guy who was wearing it just before him.

Then there’s the shirt they call a Jersey. It’s really usually a fake uniform shirt with the name of a favorite major league sports team on the front, and the name of some recently traded ball player on the back. I have one that says Mets on the front. And on the back it has the number one, and it says Summer right under it. I didn’t really play for the Mets, although the way they’re playing right now, I sometimes think I should let them know I’m available. But I did wear the number one while I pitched for my softball team which was called the Cheaters. It was called that because cheating was our secret weapon for winning games.

I never have figured out the difference between a shirt and a blouse…except I think one is masculine and one is feminine. Although I don’t think I’ve ever known a guy who wears a blouse, and lots of times ladies are wearing shirts. And often those ladies are wearing shirts that button up the back. What’s that all about ?

Most people have under shirts, but I don’t know anybody with an over shirt. There are long sleeve shirts and short sleeve shirts. I saw a guy once wearing a shirt that had one long sleeve and one short sleeve. I figured he must have been a trombone player.

I once had a shirt that had a little tag in the back of the neck, that said, Wrinkle resistant. I never did figure that out. It obviously didn’t mean the shirt didn’t wrinkle. Maybe it meant that the shirt wrinkled but only…after it put up a real fight.

Then there’s the T shirt. They usually have clever sayings on them. I saw one that said, Welcome to New York City, the attitude capitol of the world. Now go home. I have one that says, I love the smell of aviation gas first thing in the morning. My Lady Wonder Wench has one that has the smiling faces of the three New York Mets tv announcers stretched across the front…Gary Cohn, Keith Hernandez, and Ron Darling. When she puts it on, I swear Gary and Ron’s pictures look like they’re smiling a little wider. And speaking of T shirts, what are you supposed to wear if you’re drinking coffee instead? And what happened to the rest of the alphabet. Where are the A bcdefg shirts ?

When a new pilot flies solo for the first time, his instructor traditionally tears the shirt off the guy’s back, and signs it, and tacks it up on the wall of the hanger. That may be why there are so few female pilots. 

Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation quite often wears a t shirt with a pack of cigarettes rolled up in the left sleeve…although he doesn’t smoke…so it’s just for show. But we shouldn’t be surprised. He always carries a condom around in his wallet too. 

Dick’s Details Quiz…all answers are in the current podcast.

1- How do the smart guys say we can tell when somebody is really…hot ?

2- What is it that 91% of American men claim has, “changed my life significantly?”

3- What should our politicians learn from frogs.

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

There’s a pretty lady in a pretty shirt in a story called the Quick Change Artist. It’s in the Night Connections personal audio album. And it’s also in the current podcast.

Well…she was wearing the shirt in the beginning of the story anyway. If you like the story, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections icon on the opening page.

That shirt that’s missing from the mirror in our living room now…the one that was hanging right next to the pictures of my mom and dad when they were so young…and that beautiful needlepoint Lady Wonder Wench made…and Bob’s military flag…folded neatly into that triangular wooden frame…that shirt was the shirt my Lady Wonder Wench was going to wear when she came home from riding her horse exactly one year ago this week. It’s a pretty shirt. Sleeveless…and kinda sexy. We planned on going out for dinner that night.

But of course…she didn’t come home. She spent five months in the hospital instead. I almost lost her. When I came home from the hospital that first night of those terrible five months…I took that shirt, and put it on a hanger…and hooked it onto that mirror in our living room…to keep me absolutely focused on getting her back…whole… complete…and beautiful like she was when she left to go riding that awful morning.

This morning…exactly one year after she originally intended to wear it… she took it down from the hanger…gave me one of those Lady Wonder Wenchy smiles…and put it on…and put the longest, hardest, and most frightening year of our lives behind us for good. She looked like her molecules must have been banging together pretty good.  

Some words of sympathy and understand from Bob…a guy who has been there and done that:

Hi Dick
Quoting you now; “If smarts were oil, I’d be a quart low.” I have to say in my case the red idiot light would be glowing! My anniversary is in a few days and even though the date is engraved in my wedding band I have forgotten it in the past. That was a LONG week of silence! After 32 years maybe, just maybe I will learn that she really does love me!