I think I have discovered the true meaning of Halloween. Halloween features a squadron of little kids with hobgoblin masks, ghostly sheets, and little princess costumes coming to your front door, and threatening you with a trick if you don’t drop some chocolate covered bribe into the swag bag. Kind of like the guys in Congress. Some of the kids are dressed up like super heroes…Spider Man, Bat Man…we even had a kid with a Superman cape on here last year. I don’t think he had really learned how to fly just yet, because it was obvious that he’d just recently learned to walk. So what’s the true meaning of Halloween? I’ve given it lots of thought, and I’ve come to the conclusion that Santa is behind the whole thing. He sends the tiny tricksters to scare us, so we’ll stop messing around and start being good because Christmas is getting pretty close, and he wants us to know he’s watching. That’s pretty scary too when you think about it. Santa sees you when you’re sleeping, and he sees you when you’re awake. And that means he sees everybody all the time…including Catherine Zeta Jones…when she’s sleeping. Excuse me but I’ve always wondered what she’s wearing when she’s sleeping. Whoops. In my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, Big Louie says I’ve got to stop having thoughts like that because as it is, I’m just one comment like that away from making it to Santa’s coal in the stocking list. I can’t help it. My train of thought pulls out of the station without me lots of times. It started when I was a kid. I asked dad why it rains. He said, “To make the plants grow.” I remember asking him “So why does it rain on the sidewalk?” Dad loved children. I think he would have given anything if I were one. Dad’s name was also Dick. Guys name their kids after themselves. Women don’t. You never hear about a Barbara Junior. Dad named me after himself a long time ago, before people had dirty minds. All our friends called him Big Dick, and I was Little Dick in those long ago days of pure minds. So now that he’s gone, I make all my friends call me Big Dick. I figure if people with less than pure minds have a problem with that, it’s their problem not mine.
Dick’s Details, a bunch of totally un-important stuff for you to stuff in one ear, so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s spooking you right now out the other ear, and you can give yourself some chocolate covered treat. There is nothing in our Constitution that would prevent a convicted felon from becoming the president. As Louie Louie lads and lasses would remember, one president did become a convicted felon. And I’d say several others just managed to squeak by. If the answer is “A Zebra” what is the question. And purify your mind just a bit before you come up with the question. In the spirit of Halloween, you should know that by a declaration of Congress, bourbon is the official spirit of the United States. And sometimes you need a little bourbon to calm you down when you have to deal with some of the other decrees that come out of Congress. Colby’s restaurant in New Hampshire banned politicians during the 2012 primary. I guess they didn’t want the food contaminated. If the answer is “A Zebra” the question has nothing to do with ladies underwear. Purify your minds. If the answer is “A Zebra,” the question is what do you call a horse with it’s own bar code. They say zebras are very happy and optimistic creatures. They’re so optimistic that they can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
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I know a real live witch. I wrote about her in my book Staying Happy Healhy And Hot. Her name is Olga. She is a cigar smoking, truck driving, witchy woman. Man, what a woman. Her real name is Lisa, but her friends call her Olga. Olga the Witch. She has¦ long shiny black hair, a voice like a purr with fur, and a long slow motion smile. She was on my show one Halloween night. I didn’t see her walk into the studio. I just looked up, and she was just suddenly standing there in studio 2b at WNBC radio a lot of years ago. The idea that she just “appeared” was probably just my imagination. Maybe.
The 10PM to Midnight portion of my show was music, and Midnight to 2 AM was talk. And I always liked to have “ordinary” people who did extraordinary things as guests on the talk portion. So just before Halloween, I asked for mail from folks who figured they qualified, and Olga’s note said, “I’m a witch.” It was a slam dunk.
The lights at the WNBC studios were New York Neon, and Olga purred something about how comfortable we’d be if I’d turn off the overheads and do our interview by the light of a candle she’d brought. If it weren’t for the Federal Disc Jockey Regulations, plus the fact that my crack NBC tech/accomplice Vic Lombardo was only one heavy breath away, and of course the certain knowledge that my lady Wonder Wench was listening, things could have gotten a little out of hand right there. Olga was fascinating. I mean in other ways too. She’s a follower of the ancient pagan religion called Wicca. It’s about love of nature, gentleness toward humans and animals, and very ancient legends about tall trees, shadow creatures, and the moon. No devil worship, no broomsticks, no haggle tooth hags. Olga is beautiful, smart, sensitive and loyal. I invited her back for several shows and eventually got to know her pretty well. As a matter of fact, she became a real friend to my Lady Wonder Wench and me.
Some friends and I had a softball team. Olga never played, but she came to watch and witch. We won a lot of games that year. It was either the lively ball or the way Olga twitched her nose. A year or so after we met her, she fell in love and moved away with her guy. We’ve lost track of her over the years, and I was wondering…this podcast gets around, and maybe someone listening might know her. I don’t want to give you her last name for obvious reasons. And that wouldn’t be necessary anyway. Because there’s only one Olga like this warm and wonderful witchy woman. If you know her, I’d appreciate it if you’d ask her to drop an email to Dick@DickSummer.com . She got to be a good friend to my Lady Wonder Wench and me, and it would be terrific if she could re-appear in our lives. Of course, sometimes it’s a problem when someone re-appears in your life. There’s a story about that in the current podcast. It’s called “The Rev. Father Flowers.” In it, the guy owned the woman’s soul. Souls can connect with just a quick flash of eyes. That’s why eyes are so dangerous. Especially his. Her heart, and the rest of her belonged to her husband. But in that flash when their eyes touched they both knew that he still owned her soul. It wasn’t on purpose. Some things just happen. That’s how most secrets get started.
The Reverend Father Flowers is from my Night Connections Spoken Word CD. If you like it you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy go back to www.dicksummer.com , and check out the Night Connections icon on the home page.
Happy hobgoblins are always welcome around my house. Semi-scary little ghosts with big eyes and bigger bags for candy, and tiny princesses with smiles that are going to break hundreds of hearts in a few years. But the really frightening trick or treaters as far as I’m concerned are the ones who show up in masks that make them look like some famous politicians. The idea of having one of them show up at my house looking for a treat for their swag bags scares the hell out of me.