Archive for April, 2015

Lady Wonder Wench Writes

Thursday, April 30th, 2015

My Lady Wonder Wench won’t be running off with Big Louie in the near future. Here’s what she said about the current podcast:

If we still lived in New York, I would understand the Louie Louie Lad’s difficulties with crossing lights – or anything he has to push to make it work.   It is, after all (so I am told), a sign of increasing age when things like your middle finger no longer work correctly (as in, driving your car in dumb traffic) or beckoning to a pretty girl to come hither. Now the Lad himself hasn’t aged a single hair in a v-e-r-y looonnnggg time.   But you should see Big Louie, His Own Bad Self. Now THAT is aging with a vengeance.Barb_Barn_LI

Makes me awfully glad the Lad is only marginally related to him. And after all, I can still push those damned crossing lights for both of us (if he promises to slow down and wait for me!).

Dickie-Quickie

Wednesday, April 29th, 2015

Trying to find a way to make Walk-Don’t Walk signs work for us in the current podcast. I don’t think they’re really attached to anything. But I push them anywayI guess pushing phony pedestrian crossing sign changing buttons at least give us a little sense of control. Even if they really don’t do anything. But what could you do to really control traffic so you can cross the street? Maybe you could make up your own sign and unfurl it when you want to stop or at least slow down the traffic. I imagine that if you made a sign saying “Slow for crossing nudists” that would slow traffic to car wash speed. Looking at it from the other side of the fence, lots of strange stuff happens when you’re driving in traffic. My Lady Wonder Wench always complains that I take too many chances in traffic. I told her “close your eyes like I do.” ImageForPodcastFiles (3)

Dickie-Quickie

Tuesday, April 28th, 2015

Quick request time: If you like these blogs and podcasts,  I’d appreciate it if you’d tell some friends. That’s a good way to make more friends. Walk,Don’t Walk, Run Like Hell is our topic this week. I guess pushing phony pedestrian crossing sign changing buttons at least gives us a little sense of control. Even if they really don’t do anything. But what could you do to really control traffic so you can cross the street? Maybe you could make up your own sign and unfurl it when you want to stop or at least slow down the traffic. I imagine that if you made a sign saying “Slow for crossing nudists” that would slow traffic to car wash speed. Looking at it from the other side of the fence, lots of strange stuff happens when you’re driving in traffic. My Lady Wonder Wench always complains that I take too many chances in traffic. I told her “close your eyes like I do.” My buddy Al says he was driving down a narrow country road one day and he slowed down to be sure the car coming the other way had room to pass. He says the other driver rolled down his window and yelled “Pig.” So Al rolled down his window and hollered “Jerk”…and ran into a pig. That’s a lie. But it’s a fun lie. It’s like the best way to avoid parking tickets because the parking meter ran out is to remove your windshield wipers.

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Dickie-Quickie

Monday, April 27th, 2015

As I explained in the current podcast, I don’t think pedestrian crossing buttons are really attached to anything. They’re like pedestrian placebos. You push them thinking you’re going to take control of the traffic light but it’s a fake out. But we keep doing it. It’s like when the elevator takes too long, we push the button again to get its attention. We do stuff like that. We blow on the dice to get them to come up 7s, or we figure out your lottery ticket number by counting the number of push-ups you used to do and dividing by the number of friends who showed up at your New Year’s party, and multiplying it by the square root of the number of commercials per hour on your favorite cable channel. I think some bosses do the same thing with the thermostats in the office. They’re not really connected to anything. It’s like the artificial click on your digital camera. Mine goes crick because it was made in Japan.

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Dickie-Quickie

Sunday, April 26th, 2015

If you’ve been getting chapped lips from kissing too many cold mirrors, today’s podcast is for you. The next time your hat pops off because your head is expanding to keep up with your ego, do one of three things. #1-Try telling some other guy’s dog to roll over and play dead, #2- Walk down the beach trying to catch the attention of someone in a bikini while you’re wearing your 40 or so year old Speedo. Or #-3 push the pedestrian crossing button to change the sign from don’t walk to walk. I have done #s 1 & 2 before several times, and today I hit the trifecta.  I stood pushing the damn change the crossing sign button on a busy street, and I pushed and pushed, and pushed and it totally ignored me. I hate ignorance. I especially hated it this time because there was a lot of traffic, and I had to get across the street to a gas station that had a men’s room. I mean I was starting to hop from one foot to the other. I really had to get across that street. By the way, I don’t make a habit of hanging out in men’s rooms, but I feel you might like to know there is a sign in the Denver airport’s men’s room that reads, “Don’t forget to flush. L.A. needs the water.” I know the sign is there because I saw Big Louie put it there last week. Big Louie is the star of my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. He devotes his life to helping us lead happier, healthier hotter and sometimes funnier lives. He’s always saying stuff like, “If you have any moving parts left, for cryin’ out loud move ‘em.” And “Who needs tooth paste if your teeth aren’t loose.” And “If your kid wants to learn to drive, you should never stand in his way.” I should have listened to him when he said, “Pedestrian crossing sign buttons are like computers. You must never let them know you’re in a hurry.”

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Wonder Wench Writes

Saturday, April 25th, 2015

Lady Wonder Wench had some observations about the current podcast:

It’s not that he hears strange sounds in the night. After all, who (or what) would bother to come find us here in the very middle of trees, trees, trees? We have two foxes now, and I know for a fact that one is a female. Is she going to teach her young cubs to “listen for sounds in the night” so they can be curious and investigate? No.She (and I) will teach all who listen to pay attention to the slightest inkling of a sound and . . .Barb-Fla . run like hell if there’s the slightest chance there may be a hunter with a gun – or a skunk on the rampage – or a bandito from the minimum-security facility several hills away – or even, heaven forbid, a really, REALLY serious problem with our one means of escape from disaster: MY CAR!!!

Dickie-Quickie

Friday, April 24th, 2015

One of the fun things in the podcasts each week is Dick’s Details. Here’s this week’s version:

The smart guys in the white lab coats tell us that it’s possible to become addicted to being angry. They should call that “Twitter-itis.” If the answer is “Rubberneck” what’s the question. More smart guys in the white lab coats tell us that negative experiences have greater impact on the brain than positive ones. I think that’s because when we have a really negative experience we tend to pound our heads on the nearest hard object. STATISTIC: On average, moose cause 12 car accidents a day. So for heaven sake, don’t let your pet moose drive your car. Oh yeah, if the answer is “Rubberneck” the question is “What can you do to help your wife relax.” Dick’s details, they take your mind off your mind.

If you like the podcasts or blogs, I’d appreciate it if you’d tell some friends. That’s the best way to make new friends.

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Dickie-Quickie

Thursday, April 23rd, 2015

I had a wonderful, erotic, pillow chewing dream starring my Lady wonder Wench the other night. I told you about it in the current podcast. It was the night that something went “bump” loud enough to wake me up. While my Lady Wonder Wench was wearing anything in the dream, it was a very form fitting black silk dress. We were in Japan with nothing to do but sight see…and nobody could see us. We were invisible except to each other…but other people could hear us. A little like being on the radio I guess. We went lots of places and did exactly what we wanted to do in all of them…and we did it very enthusiastically. And occasionally we must have made some noises that the people around us could hear. I can remember the puzzled look on the face of a guy while we were doing what we were doing in the deli isle of a supermarket. He looked right through us, because we were invisible to him. Then he tried to look nonchalant as he went over to the young lady behind the counter and said something that made her blush… but I think she looked quite pleased. Then he went into some back room…still trying to look nonchalant, and about 30 seconds later she went into the same back room…in a bit of a hurry I thought. And that’s when I thought I heard something go bump in the night. Hmmm. I wonder if maybe the bump that woke me up came out of that back room…in that dream?

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Dickie-Quickie

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2015

Big Louie, his own bad self, the star of my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot has this advice. He says, “Never give advice.” I think that’s good advice. But look at history. In the beginning, God created the earth, and then He rested. That’s history. Then God created man, and then he rested. More history. Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor men have ever rested. History, history, history. Histroy is a big barrel of minutes. You can get a lot done in a minute. A friend of mine had only just one hot, insane, electric moment with a woman. It was a minute that branded them both for all the years of the rest of their lives. You can get a lot done in a minute. The rest of this story is in this week’s podcast.

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Dickie-Quickie

Tuesday, April 21st, 2015

This week’s podcast is about things that go bump in the night. Strange midnight noises. My Lady Wonder Wench doesn’t hear noises in her sleep, but she does when she’s awake. We were driving last week and she said “What’s that?…that funny noise?” We were in the middle of a rush hour traffic jam, and she wanted to know if I heard a funny noise. I didn’t hear a thing. She said, “You should take the car down next week and have it looked at.” I said “Have what looked at you can’t look at a noise.” She rolled her eyes very loud at me, and she said, “Don’t try to be funny, please take it down and have the car checked over.” Like most guys I said “Yeah. Sure. Funny noise.” So I was out driving over the weekend and I heard a funny noise. But it was pretty distinct this time. It sounded like either a fender falling off or the engine breaking loose. I took it to Mr. Goodwrench and he said what’s the problem. If I knew what the problem was why would I be standing there. But a guy can’t say, I hear this funny noise, so I said, “There may be a problem in the front bearings.” He said, “How do you know?” What was I going to say? I said, “My wife said she heard this funny noise. I never drive this car, but that’s what she said.” He said, “Funny noise huh?” I said, “Yeah, you know how they are.” He said, “Yeah. My wife heard a funny noise last week. It was the transmission. Very expensive.” Then he gives me a sad look and writes, “Funny noise” on the work order, and says “Sign here.” He called back a little later and said, “We can’t make the car make any funny noises.” I was tempted to say, “Would you please get a second opinion. Maybe your wife could talk to my wife.”

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