Hula Hoops…gone. Leisure suits…gone. Lava lamps…gone. And we didn’t notice they were going. In today’s podcast, you’ll hear some words that are gone too. “Heavens to Murgatroyd.” How about, “Whatchamacallit?” My spell checker screamed at me when I wrote that down. Or “Jalopy?” And we always wanted things to be “Hunky Dory.” Talk to the average “Pimple Person” about a “Hunky Dory” and he’ll think you mean a muscular row boat. When is the last time you used a “Carbon Copy?” I had a lot of “Moxie” back when I was a lifeguard at Coney Island. And my girlfriend Matilda “Hung me out to dry” one night. When you went to a nice restaurant you put on your “best bib and tucker.” And “Heavens to Betsy” “Gee Willikers” and “Holy Moley” if we were lucky we were “In like Flynn” and “Living the Life of Riley.” So, let us learn and remember the lessons of our times.
Archive for January, 2017
Some things can go away, and it’s ok. Today’s podcast is about some things we’ve got to keep. So as I am sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room I thought I’d tell you about a phone call from our granddaughter Cassie. Cassie was talking about politics, and how some politicians just go on and on and on about the same ideas. I said “Yeah, like a broken record.” Cassie said, “What do you mean, Poppa?” I rememberd her age, took a deep breath, and said something like “It means there’s a scratch in the record, and it’s so bad that the record keeps repeating.” Cass said, “Oh. Like a corrupted MP3 file.” Drawing on my great command of the language, I said…”Mmmm yeah.” But it got me to thinking about stuff you don’t hear any more. Stuff that’s gone. Because sometimes it just…disappears and we don’t notice when it was disappearing. The click of the channel changer on the TV…not the remote…the knob on the TV. The ka-ching of an old time cash register. A typewriter key hitting paper. The click-whirr of a rotating phone dial. The clang of a bell in a pay phone. Chalk scraping across a blackboard. The rustle of corduroy pants. The grinding sound of a pencil sharpener. The perk-perk of a coffee percolator. I’ve been making instant coffee for a long time. All that stuff is gone. And we didn’t notice when it left.
Our podcast is about what is being called toxic testosterone. It’s tough enough being a man without some silly intellectual elite schools like Ithica College, and Duke University calling your testosterone toxic. It’s especially tough as the years pile up. My buddy Al is getting on a bit, and as time has gone on, he’s become more and more religious. He now claims that when he goes to the bathroom at night, God switches on the light, and then switches it off again when he’s done. I think he’s just peeing in the fridge again. Testosterone isn’t toxic. But getting to the upper demo of the Louie Louie Generation can be a little toxic. So much new stuff going on. Texting for example. There are abbreviations when you text. Here are some we Louie Louie Generation folks use a lot. BTWC means bring the wheel chair. BYOT means bring your own teeth. LMDO means I’m laughing my dentures out. FWIW forgot where I was. IYHAO…is your hearing aid on? I said is your hearing aid on? Your hearing aid. Is it on? As Big Louie says, “The older you get, the more important it is you don’t act your age.” Your hearing aid. Is it on? Never mind.
Toxic Masculinity…that’s what some colleges are teaching now. Today’s podcast disagrees. Today’s podcast says guys are not toxic. We’re inquisitive. We’re interested in figuring things out. Like, “Why is it called necking?” “Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?” What was the best thing before sliced bread?” “If all the nations in the world are going bankrupt, what happened to all the money?” If a girl says, “She wouldn’t have sex with you if you were the last person on earth” that simply means that she doesn’t realize that you couldn’t have sex with her if you were the last person on earth, because she wouldn’t be there if you were the last person on earth. And how come out of the three r-s, reading, writing and arithmetic, only one begins with an r. And if you’re a guy you’re always wondering if Australians who live down under call the rest of the world, “Up over?” Guys are interested in the fact that next week is National Orgasm Week. We’re looking forward to the parades. But we know that 9 out of 10 women will only pretend to celebrate. You’ll understand that better if you remember that Big Louie, the head guy of the Louie Louie Generation says that so many women fake orgasm because so many men fake foreplay. And Big Louie also says, “As important as foreplay is, afterplay is even more important.” He defines after play as anything associated with what a Louie Louie Generation guy does after sex, like back rubs, a glass of wine, and an all night cuddle. It’s the afterplay that makes a woman feel fragrant, beautiful, soft, and safe.
It’s T.G.I.F which means it’s time for Dick’s Details from today’s podcast. Dick’s Details is a bunch of totally unimportant stuff for you to stuff in one ear, so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s scaring you out the other ear, and you can put on a grin and win. The smart guys in the white lab coats tell us that your thumbnail grows more slowly than you other fingernails. I would imagine it would help speed thing up if you’d stop sucking your thumb. If the answer is, “You can’t get the toilet seat down” what is the question? I’ll tell you in a minute. A bison can jump 6 feet off the ground. But he’ll never make it in the NBA because he can’t dunk a free throw. And speaking of wild life, lions can mate more than 50 times a day. Would all those in favor of Viagra please rise. If the answer is, “You can’t get the toilet seat down” the question is, “How can you tell when you’ve passed an elephant?” I would think that passing an elephant must be one of life’s more difficult tusks. Tasks. And why didn’t the the guy who invented a door knocker win a no bell Prize? Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
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Toxic Masculinity!! Being a man is “TOXIC!” That’s what they’re teaching at some very important colleges and universities right now. Seriously. Today’s podcast explains that it’s not toxic, it’s testosterone. On page 69 of my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot I have explained that a guy’s brain is swimming in a sea of testosterone which gives him a deep voice, a beard and a hand just the right size for using a TV remote. The testosterone in which his brain swims also absorbs some of the everyday shocks of life that sometimes hit him right in the head. Like a fouled off baseball, an unexpected blast of Yanni’s music, or sudden high levels of verbal communication. But please remember that testosterone is not toxic, but it IS a preservative. And what does a preservative do? It keeps meat and stuff from growing old and gnarly. And of course growing is another word for maturing. So naturally a brain swimming in testosterone simply cannot grow and mature. It’s not our fault. We’re only guys. We’re not toxic. Most of us do the best we can with what we have to work with.
Today’s podcast is about the mistake some big colleges are making right now. They’re teaching guys how to get over being men. Essentially they claim testosterone is toxic. My dad wasn’t a big guy, but he was brim full of testosterone. He was a gentle man of music as the song says. But one day when I was a little kid, I saw him come home from work while a delivery guy was giving my mom a hard time. Dad didn’t say a word. He just picked the guy up and threw him off the stoop. A Brooklyn porch is called a stoop for those of you not fortunate enough to have grown up there. Growing up in Brooklyn was a time of constant exploration. Always new things to learn. Just like this little kid. Neighborhood legend has it that he grew up to be a disc jockey.
Duke University is one of the nations’ best. Ithaca College isn’t exactly grated cheese either. But they don’t understand guys. They join lots of other colleges & universities giving courses in “Toxic Masculinity.” Today’s podcast explains that part of the problem is that some guys are very big. And some people feel that big is scary. NFL players come to mind. NFL players come in 3 sizes. Extra large, Jumbo, and “Oh my God it’s coming toward us. ‘Some of these guys should have their own zip codes. When they go to the zoo, elephants toss peanuts at them. When an NFL player goes to a restaurant, they don’t hand him a menu, they give him an estimate. Weather guys give their farts names. Like hurricanes. Big? Yes. But toxic? No. Just testosterone.Although I must admit we are sometimes…stubborn. Like this pigeon.
Today’s podcast is PROOF that testosterone isn’t toxic, as some Universities are claiming. They just don’t understand guys. A guy has to believe he can fix anything. Maybe not this instant, but…soon. He must never go to a therapist or a doctor unless he can be clinically proven that he has been dead for at least a year. “No sense going to a hospital, dear. I don’t seem to be in a coma right now.” Dumb right? Yes. But toxic? No. Just testosterone.
I am sitting here in my big, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room quietly overcoming my toxic masculinity. Seriously. In today’s podcast, I told you that Duke University and Ithaca College are just two of a whole sclunge of institutions of higher learning that are proving that some ideas are so silly, that only intellectuals with Phds will believe them. They are running courses and workshops devoted to curbing what they call Toxic Masculinity. They haven’t the slightest idea of what they’re talking about. They obviously don’t understand the simple but classic effects of testosterone. They don’t understand that testosterone makes a guy has to make believe he never needs any help. Directions are help. That’s why he never reads them.All guys have testosterone. Even the Pope.