Archive for July, 2013

Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, July 31st, 2013

Since the Lad himself brought it up, I will tell you, Lasses, that there were times in the rehab hospital when the only thing that kept me in bed at night and not out running the corridors and screaming was the strong memory of his hands holding me as I fell asleep.   He couldn’t even hug me because of that ugly cage on my head (they call it a halo, for heaven’s sake!) … but he held me and rubbed my hands with his “hands-some” and that made everything all right.


Now I know that there are hands and “hands” … and some handy ways of using both … but as Her Kitteness  knows, everything depends upon who is wielding them thar hands.  She’ll take Don and I’ll take Dick and we will both wear the smug smiles of happiness … hands down …

(ed. note – “Her Kitteness” is Don’s wife.)


Tuesday, July 30th, 2013

I have been accused, by members of the somewhat more evolved, higher voiced and much prettier sex, of giving too much of an advantage to my beer drinking, channel surfing, hairy legged opposite sex in this week’s blog and podcast. I will address that in this Saturday’s blog and podcast, by giving an equal advantage to those who have expressed their dis-satisfaction over this week’s leak of confidential material. Meantime, may I point out that if Louie Louie guys do what I’ve suggested, their ladies may have to put up with spending the rest of their lives being treated like god-ess-es. Distressing as that may be, that’s the price you must pay for taking Big Louie’s advice.

Your Hand-some-Ness

Friday, July 26th, 2013

When I told my Lady Wonder Wench what I was going to write about in this week’s blog, she said, “Watch out. People aren’t going to understand your weird ideas.” If you’ve been reading this blog or listening to the podcasts I think you know I sometimes have ideas that are…unusual. ButI think this one is genuinely important, and should result in a lot of fun for you. So here goes.

I’m so pleased with myself, as I’m sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room. I’m pleased because of my hand-some-ness. Not in the mirror. At the ends of my arms. I remember, when I met my Lady Wonder Wench all those years ago…instantly…my ears wiggled, my eyebrows twitched and my hand made a plan. And through the years, I have taken every opportunity to use my hand-some more with my Lady Wonder Wench. She likes it when I use my hand-some times, especially to give her feet a little massage. When you give someone you care about a massage, both the massager and the massage-ee get some of what they used to call Good Vibrations.

I’ve told you in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot (Available at Amazon), how good it feels to feel the way I do about my Lady.  And although warm words can be good at describing feelings, they can’t compare with an actual warm hand-some where on the lady’s feet, or back…or wherever. And I must tell you that real Louie Louie Generation guys and girls like the very personal good vibrations that start when we use our hand-some-ness together.

True story. My buddy Al said he was shopping with his lady the other day, and a guy walked over to him with tears in his eyes. Al said “What’s up?” The guy said, “I want to thank you. I saw you holding hands with your lady. I used to hold hands with my wife too. You don’t see people holding hands any more. I miss holding hands with my wife. She’s holding hands with the Lord now. I miss her.”

Big Louie, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie Louie Generation always says, Use your hand-some…while you still have a hand to use.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers in the current podcast.

  1. What is it that 1 out of 7 Americans can’t find ?
  2. What got some of the Aztec gods ticked at the tribe?
  3. What have alligators and Congress people got in common?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

The ugly truth is that hand-some-ness seems to be slipping away. And I think it is up to us Louie Louie Generation guys and girls to re-arm our selves with even more hand-some-ness because we don’t want that to happen to us. Here’s one suggestion for my fellow Louie Louie lads. I call it the “Joyful Sound of Grinding Teeth” exercise. When you guys walk down the street holding your pretty lady’s hand-some, take a moment to enjoy the sound of the grinding teeth when you pass a bunch of guys, who would very much like to have a lady as pretty as yours. I usually smile and nod at them in a properly off handed way.

It’s up to us Louie Louie Generation guys and girls to re-arm the hand-some-ness in this life, because when the young pimple people guys and girls go walking with their spiked hair and nails through their tongues, they never hold hands. They’re busy texting someone they must feel is more interesting than the person they’re with. And when the old Dreary Drones are out walking, most of the time they don’t even seem like they know each other. Lots of times the guy is walking a few steps in front of his lady. Come on folks. You only live once. ONCE ! Just because you’re both busy…at least stay in touch. I think some people figure life is like Facebook, where you never have to actually meet their friends.

Use your hand-some-ness. Get some personal good vibrations going. Get a life before you die.

Unfortunately guys, some times, you can’t really use your hand some, with your lady, because your lady is lots of zip codes away. Well here’s a wonderful secret weapon for when you’re temporarily un-handed. You really can be a long distance lover. It’s a secret I learned from a lot of years as an evening disc jockey on the radio. The secret is that “Touches are better than words, but words are better than nothing.” And even talking about using your hand some can make your lady feel good. There’s an example in the current podcast.

My Lady Wonder Wench had a bad accident a few years ago. She still has bad dreams about it some times. And usually…just holding her hand- some … makes the bad dream go away. Sometimes it even makes her smile in her sleep. What a lovely sight that is.

“The Lovin Touch” is the title of that cut from the “Quiet Hands” Personal Audio CD. That’s the example I gave in the current podcast. If you like it, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just check it out on the “Quiet Hands” CD icon on the home page.

Hand-some-ness has nothing to do with grabbing, or poking, or hurting in any way. There’s nothing under-handed about hand-some-ness either. And sometimes it does take a little re-arming. Especially when you’re holding her horizontally, and one of your arms has been under her for a long time. That’s like putting your arm around her seat in the theater, and keeping it there for a three hour performance. That is a pain known only to guys. It’s like pay back for what a woman has to go through when she has a baby.

Unlike women, guys must never admit we’re in pain. That’s our steely eyed code. We’re taught to say “I’m feeling fine” until we notice that we’re bleeding a quart a minute, we’re lying in a gutter, and our eyes have popped out of our heads. Until all three of those conditions are met, we just soldier on. Which is childish…I know. But as you Louie Louie ladies have hinted on occasion, guys never grow up. Boys will be boys, and so will 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, and 90 year old men.

And it’s true. We never really grow up. We only learn how to act in public. But we can and do learn. So if you’re a Louie Louie guy, don’t forget to take a moment for the “Joyful Sound of Grinding Teeth” exercise when you’re out in public, carefully holding your pretty lady’s hand-some.

And if you’re a Louie Louie lady, and your lad hasn’t gotten this message. Tell him how important it is to you for him to re-arm his hand-some-ness, so you can help him lock and load your Louie Louie Life.

Then be ready to enjoy as many very warm, and extremely personal good vibrations as you can fit into the time you have left together.

Wonder Wench Writes

Tuesday, July 23rd, 2013

I will take my Louie Louie Lad over anyone … rich, famous or both … because he really does play love songs in his head for me.

 Love songs are made of small corrections and tiny moments in your life. 

 Love songs are full of words that glisten and musical notes that turn your heart over.

 Love songs are blankets of protection and, yes, even walls when necessary.

 Love songs hold you carefully. 

 And love songs never let you go.

 They are his gift to me.


Monday, July 22nd, 2013
In the interests of good health and well being, Proud Podcast Participant Bill K sent this:
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Love Songs Relief

Friday, July 19th, 2013

I have just relieved myself. No, don’t jump to conclusions. I am sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly black leather poppa chair in my living room, and all is well with the world again, because I have gotten my TV back up and working and that’s a much bigger relief than I thought it would be. The satellite box broke, and I never realized how stressful my life would be without the TV. When it went out, it was a shock like when I opened the refrigerator door and found some kind of endangered species lurking there. I finally figured out that it was cheese. But it wasn’t cheese when I put it in there. It changed. People are like that too. People change. Some people age like fine wine. Other people age like milk.

Eventually, I guess even the Pimple People will change. As I have explained in my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, Pimple People are everywhere. They drive nails through their tongues, and text instead of talk. The guys seem to think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. The girls sometimes have to slip gas X into their guy’s mashed potatoes as a survival technique. They all have smart phones so they can arrange their relationships so they don’t actually have to be personally involved.

If you have changed over the years, to the point where you find yourself making noises that sound suspiciously like the coffee maker when you stand up, and you’ve decided to prevent sagging by eating until the wrinkles fall out, and you missed going to the gym again today, and that makes four years in a row…you are probably not a Pimple Person. You are either a Dreary Drone, or a member of the Louie Louie Generation like my Lady Wonder Wench and me.

Dreary Drones have given up on changes. They no longer reach for the stars because they figure they’ll just pull a muscle. They walk around all day with an expression on their faces that makes them look like the picture on their driver’s licenses. Life has just sucked all the jelly out of their donuts. They never get carried away, and they should be. Worst of all, they’ve lost faith in the love songs. You should never lose faith in the love songs.

Louie Louie Generation folks know we have changed. We no longer look like the people in the beer commercials with their perky breasts and fancy abs. But we’re not going to let ourselves turn into lumps of look warm meat. We don’t just change. We take charge of our changing. We plan on being alive when we die. Louie Louie lad’s brains go from “I probably shouldn’t be doing this.” To Oh hell, let’s see what happens. We know that having nothing to do is no fun. But having a lot to do and not doing it is a blast. We know that giving us Louie Louie Hood is nature’s way of developing our sense of humor. Which is why we stop to figure out jokes like “Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a bar, and asked for a beer and a mop?”

And we really love our Louie Louie ladies…even when we’ve been through love songs that end in a minor key with some of them. We don’t ever want to have to figure out what to do with what’s left of our selves because we ran away from some powerful passion in our lives. We will never lose faith in our love songs.

Our Louie Louie ladies know that wrinkles are hereditary. They got them from their kids. They’ve changed their kids in a more basic way in their day too. Which is a lesson for them too, because every time they consider throwing in the towel, they don’t… because they’ve done enough laundry of all kinds in their lives. They are emotion in motion. They know that if you pretend to be perfect, and I pretend to be perfect, no actual passion is going to get started. And Louie Louie ladies love passion. A Louie Louie lady will be glad to do everything she can to help you trust the love songs again.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1- Why are sharks ticked off at us?

2- Why is George Clooney a failure?

3- Why should my Lady Wonder Wench pay attention to what they just said in the British Journal of Medicine?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

My Lady Wonder Wench and I don’t watch much TV. Mostly just news and sports. I always thought TV wasn’t important to me. But when the box went out, I realized I didn’t have to finish work so I could watch my combination of MSNBC, Fox, and CNN, and then switch over to Brian, Diane and Scott for a non-fiction version of what Wolf, Al, and Bret had been furiously spinning. And worst of all, missing in action were Gary, Keith and Ron doing the play by play of my New York Mets. It was like my schedule was somehow broken. It wasn’t terrible. But it was a change. And changes can give you a jolt.

My first TV was a black and white RCA, with rabbit ears. The TV stations didn’t broadcast 24 hours a day. They ran a test pattern before programming started in the afternoon, and you’d watch carefully to see when the test pattern flickered, because that happened before the programming really started. Now the TV we watch is in full color, sometimes in stereo, on a flat screen the size of a city bus. That’s quite a change.

Changes often cause problems. And of course problems often cause changes. There’ll be a story about a big change in a guy’s life in the new Personal Audio CD I’m working on. The story is called, “I’ll Call You.”

Changes can make loud sounds in your head. The guy in the story was having a hard time trying to turn down the noise long enough to hear a woman’s smiling voice again. His little daughter noticed. And she helped. Daughters really care.

“I’ll Call You” is from the new Personal Audio CD I’m working on. I may call it Bedtime Stories 2. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. And if you’d like to hear more stories like it, just  check out the Bedtime Stories icon on the home page.

It was such a relief to get the TV back up and running. I was running back to the internet every hour or so to see what was changing in the world. Some changes happen and you don’t even notice. When’s the last time you called somebody a Rat Fink. Do you even remember fender skirts, and curb feelers and running boards ? And on the other side of it, you keep waiting for some things to change, because you know they will, but it gets to be like watching the test pattern on the old black and white tv…watching for the flicker that meant it was going to change into a program. Take the word “Movie” for example. It’s a word that describes pictures that move. It’s been around for a long time. I don’t know when it will change, but I know it will. We don’t call them talkies any more.

I guess it wasn’t the lack of TV that messed with my head a little. It was the change in what I usually do. I was hugely relieved when it seemed ok to go back to doing what I usually do again. Changes can make nasty noises in your head. They can get you as confused as a baby in a topless bar. But Louie Louie folks know that you can never tell when something wonderful is going to happen in your life. Some kind of good change. Like the change that happened in my head that started a love song playing, the night when I met my Lady Wonder Wench.

Lots of years and lots of changes. What a relief that my Lady and I can still believe our love songs.


Friday, July 19th, 2013

In honor of the last day for the HOW HOT IS IS podcast ( ) Proud Podcast Participant Audrey R sent this picture. 76573_531581043561928_782220790_n

Wonder Wench Writes

Thursday, July 18th, 2013

Ed. Note – The current podcast ( ) includes a new version of a very old story called, “The Sky Sultan.”

Of course I know things about the Lad that no one else does (!) … and I know that the original of Sky Sultan was sadder and more poignant (since it was about me, I guess I can say that) … than the new one which I am assuming at least some of you heard.  The newer SS is bolder and stronger … but I like the original much better.

Does that make me old?…

Another Ed Note – No. That makes me very lucky that after all these years, she is still my Lady Wonder Wench.


Monday, July 15th, 2013

The How Hot Is It blog and podcast has brought in some wonderful responses. None better than this one from an extraordinary Anonymous Proud Podcast Participant.

One summer I made love out at sea lying on some cushions in the stern of a boat under a full moon. It was with a very special individual in my life.
The sound of the water lapping at the hull….the gentle rise and fall of the boat on the swells…..the warm breath of the ocean breeze, the stars in that velvety backdrop….the lights on the shore….that’s a night I will remember the rest of my life.

How Hot Is It ?

Friday, July 12th, 2013

It’s hot outside.  It’s so hot that you shouldn’t text while you walk, because you could trip over something, fall down on the pavement, and cook to death.  It’s so hot, farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. But the heat has created a convenience factor for farmers. It’s so hot, their potatoes are actually cooking underground which means all they have to do is pull one out, add butter, salt, and pepper and chomp it down. But a word of caution, if you pull one of those potatoes out of the ground, be sure you use either a work glove or a pot holder…because they are hot.

I am not a farmer. However, I had some errands to run today and I was wearing my shorts. I didn’t realize before that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. And I’m glad that it only takes two fingers to steer my car. On days like this the best parking spot is determined by shade, not by distance.

In my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot…I keep telling you about the Gratitude Attitude. And my Gratitude Attitude is pretty high right now, because I am sitting here in my nice air conditioned living room, in my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair, in bare feet, because I can’t bring my shoes inside. I crossed the street before I remembered that asphalt has a liquid state.

Gratitude Attitude is important on a day like this. People are all walking around complaining about how hot it is. I’ve found one word to shut them up. When people are complaining that hot water is now coming out of both faucets, and they’re burning their hand opening their car door, and the farmers are complaining that the cows are giving evaporated milk, I hit them with that one word. February.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1- What do women do more than men in bed ?

2- What hint should subway riders take from astronauts ?

3- What’s a simple way to get kicked out of a restaurant ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Summer is a woman. Hot, sexy, wild, hazy, soft, flashy, dangerous when wet, full of stings and bites, endlessly beautiful, satin smooth, fragrant, sweaty, promising, crushing, changeable…I’m working on a new lovin touch cd, and there will be a story in there about the summer I met my Lady Wonder Wench. It’s called the Sky Sultan.

The story is about something that happened one Summer long ago. And far away. And in the early Autumn…I thought I’d lost her. Actually…I thought I had to lose her. But somehow…I didn’t. Actually…I couldn’t. I think she was always supposed to be with me. And after all this time, I still love hearing her say…my name is Mrs. Summer.

The Sky Sultan will be in the next lovin touch personal audio cd…which I hope to have done reasonably soon. Maybe. If you like it, you can just keep this podcast. Or if you want to check out the current lovin touch album, just  click on the lovin touch icon on the home page.

There’s a reason why there are so many songs about Summertime love. Summertime is sexy. And it’s not just because we run around half naked… supposedly to stay cool. But Summertime is maybe the toughest time to be lonely. I know what it’s like to come home to a dead quiet house. You probably do too. But Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie Louie generation always says, “You can never tell when something wonderful is going to happen to you.” I think he means, try not to frown…even if you’re feeling lonely… because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile. And if you’re hurt because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, maybe that doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all the loving they have. And somebody very smart…I don’t know who it was…said “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

Summer is a woman. Hot, sexy, wild, hazy, soft, flashy, and dangerous when wet. She can be full of stings and bites…but she’s also endlessly beautiful, satin smooth, fragrant, sweaty, and instantly changeable. But what a time to be alive. Summer has stars in her eyes, her song is thunder, and crickets and surf. She wears flowers and newly cut grass for her perfume. And her nights sweat with flexing, moonlit naked passion.

Summer is such a time to be alive.