Dick Summer Connection

Proud Podcast Person Betsy Kemp says:

1. Why do skeletons have low self esteem?
2. They have no body to love.

1. Know why skeletons are so calm?
2. Because nothing gets under their skin.

1. How do vampires get around on Halloween?
2. On blood vessels.

1. What’s a ghoul’s favorite bean?
2. A human bean

1. Why did the ghost go into the bar?
2. For the Boos.

1. Why did the vampire read the New York Times?
2. He heard it had great circulation.

1. Why did the headless horseman go into business?
2. He wanted to get ahead in life.

1. Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
2. So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

1. Where does a ghost go on vacation?
2. Mali-boo

1. The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, the user does not see it.

What is it? A coffin.

1. What do you call a witches garage?
2. A broom closet.

1. Why don’t mummies take time off?
2. They’re afraid to unwind.

1. Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
2. Because he had bat breath.

1. What is in a ghost’s nose?
2. Boo-gers

1. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
2. Frostbite

1. How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
2. All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

1. What is it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
2. A grave problem.

1. Why can’t the boy ghost have babies?
2. Because he has a Hollow-weenie.

1. Why do demons and ghoul’s hang out together?
2. Because a demon is a ghoul’s best friend.

1. What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
2. A pain in the neck.

There’s one thing for which there will never be an app. I call it the “App Gap” It’s in today’s podcast. We have an app for all kinds of things, but not this one important function. There’s the Oral B Pro 5000 app that tells you when you’re brushing your teeth too hard. Seriously. Also the “August Smart Lock” that senses when your smart phone is getting close, and it unlocks your front door. But what happens if you lose your smart phone and Dracula finds it?  Will there ever be a husband/wife app? Don’t fall into the “App Gap.” Check out today’s podcast.

My smart phone is watching me. And yours is watching you too. Today’s podcast is about the fact that there’s an app for almost everything. Almost. I just came across a new survey from the University of Michigan. They used data from a smart phone app to measure sleep patterns from around the world. There is an app for almost everything. Almost. There’s an app that measures your weight, your BMI, your heart rate, then it gives you the weather forecast. Why not a little screen that pops up and tells you where you rate on the beautiful-ugly scale. “You’re a 15 today you beautiful thing.”

Today’s podcast is about something that most guys have experienced. Most guys with a girlfriend anyway. It is about pain. Suffering. Terror. And it has nothing to do with the election. Please give a listen.

It’s T.G.I.F, which means we dig into today’s podcast for Dick’s Details. Dick’s Details is a bunch of totally un-important stuff for you to stuff in one ear, so you can squeeze out the important stuff like a numb arm out the other ear, and you can nod off comfortably to sleep. It takes about 600 grapes to make a bottle of wine…and a couple of hopefully clean feet of course. If the answer is “This truck is full of political promises” what is the question? Don’t know do you. Of course not. Haven’t told you yet, but I will in a minute. There is a breed of cat called a Manx that has no tail. I think they were bred that way as a safety factor for living in old age homes where people rock their rocking chairs as fast as they can. The Canadian government advises mothers to begin toilet training at one month of age. In Brooklyn, kids are toilet trained at gun point. If the answer is “This truck is full of political promises” the question is “What’s a good sign for the back of a Septic Tank truck. Not going there. Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

A little housekeeping here: If you like the podcasts, or the spoken word CDs at www.dicksummer.com or my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot… available at Amazon, please tell a couple of friends, because they might like them too, and you’d be doing me a favor. Thank you.

I am in reasonably good physical shape. I do five sit ups every morning. That may not sound like a lot, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button. I follow the Big Louie school of physical training. The motto is “No pain…good.” Big Louie is the head guy of the Louie Louie Generation. He says, “Hard work pays off over time. Lazyness pays off right away.” I like that kind of advice. I have come to the conclusion that if things get better with age, I am quickly closing in on perfection. It’s an interesting time in my life. When my Lady Wonder Wench reminds me that it’s time to take out the garbage, I’m now old enough to claim I can’t hear her. I always thought it would take much longer to grow old. When I get thoughts like that, I gotta remember to clap hands for Tinkerbelle. And there’s a story about that in today’s podcast.

Today’s podcast is a plea for some ideas on what to do about my right arm that falls asleep when I’m spooning with my Lady Wonder Wench. You send me all kinds of ideas. Here’s a note from Proud Podcast Person Jim King:  How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.  England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.  I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.  It’s syncing now. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.   I just can’t put it down. Very good Jim. I appreciate your efforts to help. But I need some solid suggestions about what to do about my right arm that loses feeling when I tuck it under my head in the spooning position. My Email is dick@dicksummer.com

Today’s podcast is about things you send me at dick@dicksummer.com. For example this is just in from Proud Podcast Person Betsy Kemp: “Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads (which aren’t sweet) are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither a Guinea nor is it a pig…” I appreciate your insights Betsy, but what am I going to do about improving what happens to my right arm when I have to tuck it under by head when I’m spooning with my Lady Wonder Wench. I need your help. Please drop me a note at dick@dicksummer.com if you have any ideas.

Today’s podcast is about sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room trying to get some feeling back in my right arm. Since you know by now that my Lady Wonder Wench and I have been married for a long time, it shouldn’t shock you to know that we sleep together. And since you know that I am a testosterone soaked Louie Louie Generation wretch it won’t curl you hair too tightly to know that I often like to sleep with her in the spoon position. That’s where she’s lying on her right side, and I get to put my left arm around her for a comfortable, warm, and sexy snuggle. The problem is that the spoon position leans my entire weight on my right arm, which I have to tuck in under my head, and which in about ten minutes produces a pain so far above childbirth that women can’t possibly imagine it. It’s worse than the pain that only guys experience when we’re at a movie theater, and we put our arm around our date’s shoulder and leave it there through an entire feature film. There has got to be an answer to this problem. If you have any ideas, please send them to dick at dick summer dot com. I can really use your help on this.

If you believe today’s podcast, you’ll never give up hope. There are a couple of excellent examples of what I mean in some emails you sent. Especially one from Proud Podcast Person, “Greg,” who calls himself “A few weeks past Springtime.” Greg says “A love of my life slipped through my fingers a few years ago. But next time around I’ll wear my catcher’s mitt.” Sometimes it seems like everything is stacked against you…like this ad. But it only takes a little crack in the stack, to make things start falling your way.