Archive for July, 2010

Tick Tock

Saturday, July 31st, 2010

You’ve heard that “Time flies when you’re having fun?” Well time also flies when you drop your clock on a hard wood floor. I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather Pappa chair, with time on my hands. Sort of. Actually…it’s my living room clock…which I dropped and now it’s dead in little pieces on the floor. I was trying to set it to pick up the signal from some Godforsaken transmitter in the mountains of Colorado…which the government uses to keep clocks like this accurate. All I know about Colorado is that expensive people go to Aspen to mate.

 My Lady Wonder Wench and I went to Colorado once so she could buy a horse. I was never clear as to why when we live in Pennsylvania, she had to go to Colorado to buy a horse. Have you any idea how many horses must have looked up at our plane and felt rejected. Guy horses must have a very high rejection rate when you think about it…because they’re almost always gelded…which eliminates them from most filly’s top ten horsing around lists.

 Louie-Louie Generation guys don’t like the sound of the word gelded. I think the word vasectomy was probably invented by a Louie Louie Generation guy who was jogging home one day after having one.  Let’s take a look at the word “vasectomy.” “Vasectomy” starts with the letter v. In order to say the letter v, you have to bite your lower lip with your upper teeth…try it. See ? Biting your lower lip with your upper teeth effectively keeps you at least for a moment, from whimpering. The rest of the word…hey think about it… a sect is a group of whackos who perform weird rituals…and “omy” is the kind of quietly dignified statement Louie-Louie Generation guys might well say when in great pain. So you have V, a sect, and omy. Put em all together and they spell vasectomy. I’ve heard it’s a delicate operation. One slip could change an animal into a pet.  

 I know I shouldn’t put you through explanations like that. But I am always so tempted. And for a Louie-Louie Generation guy, a missed opportunity to give in to a temptation may never come again. Louie-Louie Generation lads and ladies have been around for a while, but we don’t consider ourselves old. We call ourselves “brilliantly retro.” We have actual flesh and blood friends…as opposed to “Facebook” friends. And we can trust them. For example, I don’t worry about my buddy Al running off with my Lady Wonder Wench. Partly because I trust them both. And partly because she’s not his type. She’s not inflatable.  My Buddy Bob, who, in his youth, has starred in a number of police chase videos, is now retired from a highly responsible job as an executive vice president. His retirement has given him the time for working on a tell all book. The working title is, “Better Management Through Finger Pointing.”

 Bob hit me with an interesting question the other day. He’s really proud of his dog. He’s always saying things like, “My dog can lick your dog.” But the question he asked was, “How come a dog gets mad at you if you blow in his face, but take him for a car ride and he sticks his head out the window.” A heck of a question.


Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

 1- What do pigs do that most guys would like to imitate ?

2- What should smart bats do when it’s time to migrate ?

3- What does Big Louie say you should do if you’re not enjoying yourself ?

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 There’s a story in the Bedtime Stories personal audio cd about a guy who just realized that he missed the time of his life. It happened so fast. The story is called, On the Prowl. You learn some amazing things when you’re a guy on the prowl. Like…how empty a crowded city can be…how quiet your phone can get…how your hands insist on holding on to so many memories that you’re trying to forget. If you like On The Prowl, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just go to the home page, and download it from the Bedtime Stories icon.

 Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation always says, “Lions roar, monkeys gibber, and people preach.” Louie’s no preacher. But he’s always asking people things like…”What would you really do if you were absolutely certain you wouldn’t fail.” He figures if you come up with a good answer to that question, maybe you ought to seriously consider giving it a shot.

 Because time flies when you’re having fun. But you just never know when your clock is going to fall off the wall.

Doin’ What Comes Naturally

Saturday, July 24th, 2010

It is so…comfortable, sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room. I guess part of it is that as a Louie-Louie Generation guy, I’m past the age when I always have to prove that I’m just as good as I never was. Louie-Louie Generation guys are comfortable. We know that “He who dies with the most toys wins.” But on the other hand, we also know that he doesn’t get to play with them, because he’s dead. The Pimple People haven’t figured that out yet. They’re not comfortable. They’re always scrambling trying to catch up with us. Big Louie, his own bad self, has a statement for the Pimple People. He says, “Pimple People of the world, you shall indeed inherit the earth…after we’re done with it.”

 Proud Podcast Participant, and reformed Pimple Person “Pistol Packin” Pete…sent me a list of why it’s so great to be a Louie- Louie Generation guy. For example: Chocolate is just another snack to us. We really don’t care if anyone notices our new haircut. Wrinkles add character. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can drop in to see a buddy without bringing a little gift. You don’t have to clean your house if the maid is coming. You don’t have to shave below your neck. You’re not expected to know the names of more than five colors. And perhaps best of all, you never have strap problems in public. It’s comfortable being a Louie-Louie Generation guy.

 I’m always amazed at how un-comfortable Pimple People guys are. This is no kidding. You can’t make this up. There is a National Coalition for Men. Their stated goal is to “Help emotionally adrift men.” They deal with big deal problems like should a man open a door for a woman ? Should he talk about his feelings ? And most amazing of all is their top topic: What is the role of the male in this increasingly complex society ? Louie-Louie Generation guys have a very simple answer to all those Pimple People Problems. Big Louie, his own bad self says, “Why waste time trying to figure out what it means to be a man…or a woman for that matter. Just don’t hurt any body, and do what makes you comfortable.”

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

 1-    What pickiness is it that portents powerful pain in public.

2-    What does my Lady Wonder Wench’s gelding teach us about horsing around ?

3-    The question is “What is the sound of an exploding sheep?”

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 If the National Coalition for Men wants to know how to figure out how to be a man in this increasingly complex world, they should listen to my Sister in Law Peggy. Peggy is also a Proud Podcast Participant. She has it broken down into blue jobs for guys  and pink jobs for non-guys. For example, hauling the laundry down to the washing machine…blue job. Using the washing machine… pink job. No confusion. Comfortable. Peggy is a Louie-Louie Generation lady. She also says a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. For example: Freezer bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. Photo copiers are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. Tires are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated. Sponges are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. Hot air balloons are male because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butts. Web pages are female because they’re constantly being looked at, and frequently getting hit on. Like Louie-Louie Generation Ladies every where, Peggy has it nailed. And speaking of nailed, Peggy says hammers are male, because they haven’t changed in thousands of years, but they are occasionally handy to have around. And TV remotes are female, because they give guys such pleasure, and they’re constantly changing the subject. Thank you Peggy.

 There’s a story in the Night Connections personal audio cd about one startling difference between men and women, that I hope never goes away. The story is called the Quick Change Artist. That woman got his complete attention without even trying. In fact if she HAD been trying, the magic might have been short-circuited. it might not have been nearly as good. And it WAS good. For both of them. The Quick Change Artist is from the Night Connections personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections icon on the home page.

 It is so comfortable being a Louie-Louie Generation guy. If you want a weather forecast, all you have to do is pay attention to what your knee joints are telling you. You can sing along to elevator music…and you don’t care that you’re the only one in the elevator who remembers the songs. MEEESHELL, MA BELL…hell the Pimple People don’t even remember Ma Bell.

 We don’t need workshops or support groups to know you damn well should hold doors open for a woman…and it doesn’t even hurt to hold a door for the guy behind you. Why not ? If you feel competitive… go for it. Maybe you’ll win. Maybe not. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. We know these things. Feel like talking about your feelings…fine. If you don’t… fine too.

 So, to avoid any confusion about what it means to be a man, just get yourself a nice, comfortable, big, black leather poppa chair, and remember what Big Louie said before…”Why waste time trying to figure out what it means to be a man…or a woman for that matter. As long as you don’t hurt any body, just do what makes you comfortable.

The Masked Man

Saturday, July 17th, 2010

Tonight, I’m the masked man…sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room. The mask probably isn’t important. You probably wouldn’t recognize me anyway without my blue leotard and red cape, with the big L for Louie on the back. If you’re new to this blog, it’s about life for the Louie-Louie Generation…lads and ladies for whom that song has been a big part of the background of our lives. It’ not just about age. It’s actually mostly about ‘tude. Attitude. We’ve got it. We don’t age. We ferment instead. And sometimes the ferment causes trouble. We don’t mean for that to happen, but we don’t back away from it either.

 We don’t belong to the National Nasty Negative Association of America. But on the other hand, we figure if you can’t say something nice about somebody…go ahead. Get if off your chest. We believe that wearing out is better than rusting away. We stay in close touch with our friends, partially because they know too much about us. And maybe that’s why I’m the masked man. I’m hiding my face from Face Book. And not only am I not a Face Book friend, I am a Twitter quitter, and painful as it may sound, I’ve lopped off my link at linkedin.

 I’m not anti-social. I just think some people take the word “friend” kinda lightly. Or maybe I take it too seriously. But I really love my friends. I don’t have very many of them, and you know who you are. You have my email address and my phone number. You can get in touch with me any time you feel like it. You know I look forward to hearing from you. And you don’t even have to call before you drop in.

 But just because I met someone in the supermarket check out doesn’t mean that person is my friend, regardless of how the Face Book folks see it. We all have to perform the ”How are you,””Have a nice day.””Let’s get together sometime soon” supermarket check out act sometimes. It’s ok. But I don’t want to perform all the time. It’s like the commercials for a movie that says, Charleton Heston IS Moses. The actor gets lost in the act. I don’t want to get lost.

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast. 

 1-    What has being a member of the Louie-Louie Generation got to do with eating the frosting before you eat the cake ?

2-    What happens in a man’s head when he knows that his woman colors her hair ?

3-    What do divorce attorneys need to tell their clients about women’s make up ?

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 It’s very easy to go on stage now. Just by posting on Twitter, or Facebook, the whole world can catch our performance. Of course, the problem is that by doing that, we’re mainly feeding our egos, and I guess mine is big enough without putting on any more weight. But think about it. It’s mostly about…hey…look how many people are following me on Twitter…look how many Facebook friends I have…it’s just like giving a brilliant performance on a world wide stage. But when we over do it…and I always over do anything…we run the risk of tearing down the curtain that gives us a place to go and hide…we lose the ability to sneak off back stage and hide.

 I need a place to hide sometimes. I need some time to be just who I am instead of who I want people to think I am. There’s not a big difference, but there is a difference.

 It’s a good thing…staying in touch. That’s the reason for this podcast… staying in touch with some good people. And Blackberries and I phones and gadgets and apps are a reasonable way of doing that. As long as we don’t over do it. And as long as we don’t confuse friends with just somebody we met in the supermarket line.

 Friendship can be a very tricky thing. There’s a story about that in the Night Connections 2 personal audio cd. It’s called Temporary Friends. It’s in the current podcast. The guy in the story is probably the biggest threat to a slightly worn relationship…and he doesn’t mean to be. He’s the guy who was always there for her…because he’s her friend. That’s the kind of friend who’s always close to being a lover. And just as lust sometimes turns to love, love often turns to lust.

 If you like the story, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections 2 icon on the home page.  

 I only have a few friends. They’re important to me. That’s why the word friend is important to me. I guess it’s all in how you define the word Friend. My friend, and Proud Podcast Participant Dick Stadlen sent me a bunch of words that have some interesting and strange definitions. For example, coff-ee is a person upon whom you cough. Flat-ulence is an emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steam roller. And a testicle is a humorous question on an exam.

 So what’s the non-Facebook definition of a friend? My Lady Wonder Wench has been my girlfriend for a long time. But she’s also my wife. Aside from family…because that’s a whole special class of friendship…what does being a friend mean ?

 A buddy of mine put his life on the line for me once…when we were both lifeguards at Coney Island, a long time ago. Another friend gave me a neck massage that I desperately needed while my Lady Wonder Wench was in a hospital. But how do you define the word ?

 I know the feeling…you never have to wear a mask around a friend. But I’m looking for a definition. How about, “A friend is a lover minus the lust.”

That works for me. What do you think ?

The Black Hole Eating Your Life

Friday, July 9th, 2010

I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair, looking at a dangerous new 32 inch wide flat screen hole in my living room…and in fact in my life…and yours. You can disappear down that hole…and boldly go…nowhere. And lots of people do. As you may have figured out, I had to replace an almost perfectly good twenty some odd year old TV set before its time. I wanted to wait till I could afford a new 3d TV, so I could watch Catherine Zeta Jones movies the way they were intended to be seen. Through slightly steamed up glasses. But my trusty old Zenith was driving me nuts with the closed captioning which it decided to turn on all by itself, and I couldn’t turn it off…without the original changer, which has long since joined the original rabbit ears in Howdy Doody Heaven. And I didn’t want to hear what most of the tv people were saying the first time around, without having to read it fifteen seconds later, in a voice recognition printout that has switched the language to the Klingon setting.

 A long time ago, when the kids were little, I always wished there were an early morning kids show called, “Let’s Go Back To Bed And Sleep A Little Longer.” It would be a puppet show like Howdy Doody. The Howdy puppet would say things like, “My it’s early.” Then he’d yawn and say “I’m still tired. Let’s all lie down and be very quiet till about 8 Am.” I think it would have been a smash hit with daddies. And daddies and mommies are where the commercial money is. But only until they hit 49 years old. Then they drop off the commercial cliff.

 There was a show that understood the value of bringing Louie-Louie Generation male viewers to kiddie shows for a while. It was called “Fun With Miss Jean.” It was a half hour with Miss Jean and a bunch of kids in the studio. They played lots of games together…many of which required Miss Jean to jump up and down a lot. The fact that Miss Jean was very obviously exceptionally very good at jumping up and down caused her show to be quite popular with daddies of all ages.   

 I do TV commercials for a living. Which means I’m one of those guys who have turned television into a pit of endless wants and needs. I only admit I do commercials to people I can trust. Most of the time when people ask what I do, I just tell them, “I’m in communications.” That statement of course communicates nothing. But I love to watch people nod as if they understand completely.

 That’s not to say I’m not grateful for what television commercials have done for me. For example, one of our daughters recently admitted that she was on a “sit at home and watch TV date” at her boyfriend’s house a number of years ago, and things were getting a little steamy, until all of a sudden a Hartford Insurance commercial, a Sony Handy-cam commercial, and a Pep Boys commercial came on…back to back…with my voice on all of them… which pretty much put an end to the proceedings. So there are some good things about doing commercials.

 It didn’t hurt that I had taken the guy aside a few weeks before, and reminded him that I was also a clinical hypnotist, and cheerfully asked how he’d feel about having a year of impotence if he put his hands on my daughter.

 I may be over possessive of my womenfolk. And I don’t care to share them, although I understand that’s a trend now with the Pimple People. My Lady Wonder Wench used to ride her horse at a stable where there were a couple of young guys whose hormones had obviously been seriously disturbed by seeing her in jodhpurs. I jokingly mentioned to them that I was working on a new aerobatic maneuver that was so precise that I could give a guy a vasectomy with a propeller. We all had a good laugh. Then the next day, I always buzzed the stable with a low fly by. That always got their attention.

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

 1- What’s the only kitchen appliance that has a nick name ?

2- Why am I not having lunch today ?

3- What has Honey got to do with Caesar ?

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 I like to tell you about flying my plane every once in a while. It’s a little four seat prop plane, very much like most of the small planes you see at little airports. It’s about as expensive as a good car. Not a fancy car. Just a good car. But it does a lot of things for me. It takes me for visits with family in other states, it has shown me the top of a rainbow, it helps me find Christmas with my Lady Wonder Wench on our traditional Christmas Eve flight. I can boldly go almost wherever I want to go in it. And that’s a big help in making my life too big to tumble down that flat screen 32 inch hole in my living room.

 I fly for fun. So if the weather is bad, or if I’m tired, I just don’t fly. There’s a story about a woman who met a guy who was flying for a living in the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio Cd. I think he was one of those guys you hear flying a single engine plane in the middle of the night…they’re usually carrying checks, or they’re on some kind of medical mission. It’s a tough and dangerous job. The story is called Just Enough. It’s about a woman, and a pilot, and a memory that will always be frozen in time. He’ll always be the first handsome young guy who ever shared her bed. He’ll never get old. They’ll never argue. She’ll never have to wonder if he really loved her. Because just that one time, he did. The story is called, Just Enough. It’s from the Night Connections 2 personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just go back to  and download it from the Night Connections 2 icon on the home page.

 That 32 inch flat screen really can be a black hole that eats your life if you let it. So let me pass along a suggestion from Big Louie, his own bad self, The Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation. Louie says, “Be a doer, not a viewer. Stuff your life full of real everyday miracles…a friendly smile looking back at you over a couple of cups of coffee you didn’t have to make for yourself…a call you didn’t expect from an old friend you haven’t seen for a while…a bunch of green traffic lights on the way to work… picking the fastest line at the supermarket check out…a sing along with your favorite song on the radio…and finding your keys and your glasses right where you thought you left them.”

 Stuff, stuff like that into your life, and your life will get way too big for you to have to worry about falling into that 32 inch black hole, and boldly going nowhere.

And The Winnahs Are:

Saturday, July 3rd, 2010

I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in the living room, and I’m absolutely amazed at the results of checking this past year’s downloads of cuts from the Personal Audio Cds…which we have done, because this is the fourth anniversary of the Good Night Podcast. I think one of the things this list proves is that under all the world’s turmoil, there is a secret underground of normal people living normal lives. And a good number of you are reading this blog.

 All the download winners are in the current podcast. (It’s always free.)

 As Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation always says, “Nobody comes into the world laughing. You have to learn how to be happy. So, enlighten up.” And that’s a reasonable introduction to the very simple, very happy choice you’ve made for the story that’s tied with three other stories for the fourth most downloaded cut from the personal audio cds. It’s from The Lovin Touch cd. And it’s just called The Playground. It’s based on something that happened a very long time ago, with my Lady Wonder Wench.

 So’s another of the tied for number four stories, called I Miss You. It’s from the Bedime Stories Personal Audio cd. I Miss You was written about a time when my Lady Wonder Wench was in Boston, and I was in New York. It wasn’t a good time. For many reasons, my only connection with her was that she could hear me on the air at WNEW. I Miss You…was very real.

 Another of the tied for fourth place stories is from the Night Connections Personal Audio Cd. It’s called Second Chance. Second Chance is based on a middle of the night phone call I got while I was on the air at WNBC. I remember that the lady involved was so excited. And I remember thinking that lots of Louie-Louie Generation guys probably feel the same way the guy in the story feels. Which is basically…if she gives me another shot, I’m not going to blow it again.

 The last of the four stories that’s tied for number four in the survey is also from the Night Connections Cd. It’s last year’s number one story…called The Tiny Dancer. It’s based on something that happened one day when I was passing a Blockbuster Video shop. I noticed a guy looking in the window…but not really. He was watching the reflection of a pretty lady crossing the street. And he had the strangest look on his face. And for some reason, The Tiny Dancer story came pouring into my imagination.

 Number three on the list of the most downloaded stories from this fourth anniversary year, is one of my most favorite stories. It was written a long time ago. It’s from the Lovin Touch personal audio cd. It’s called Growing Up. I was beginning to give in to growing up when my Lady Wonder Wench came to grace my life. It was a narrow escape. But I think I’m ok now. But it brings to mind one of Big Louie’s most important sayings…”If we don’t change directions, we’ll land up where we’re going.” You might want to check that out yourself.

 Number two on the list of most downloaded stories is another oldie but goodie from the Lovin Touch Personal Audio cd. It was written at a time when I was seriously trying to get my Lady Wonder Wench to re-consider her fundamental principles of decency. It’s called, “Got A Minute?” I actually asked my Lady Wonder Wench that question. Got a Minute. That was lots of years ago.

 And that’s the second most downloaded story from the Personal Audio Cds this past year. The most downloaded story isn’t a story at all. And it’s coming up next.

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All the answers are in the current podcast.

 1-    Some twins were born as much as seven days apart. What do you think their mothers said about that ?2-    What should working girls do with the window shades in their bedrooms ?3-    How do we know that goldfish are afraid of the dark ?

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 The number one download from the Personal Audio cds in this fourth anniversary year, is a total surprise to me. It’s not a story. It’s from the Quiet Hands cd, and it’s called the Navel Massage.

 The Quiet Hands personal audio cd is mostly devoted to one of Big Louie’s most important teachings. “Enjoy yourself. If you can’t enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else.” And I’m proud of it. And if any of the members of the Forces For Good In The Community are shocked and outraged… let me warn you that under my jeans, I’m wearing boxer shorts. And I know how to use them.

 It’s hard to believe that it’s been four years. Some of you have been with me from the beginning. Thank you. Some of you have just jumped in. Thank you too. I hope you’ll stay. Some of the things we’ve talked about come from a time in my life when I was determined to dedicate my life to the temporary relief of Nymphomania in America. Some stuff came from what seemed to be a huge blank spot in my life…but it turns out it was just a time to change perspectives. Some stuff just happened today.

 I was honestly amazed at the results of the survey. There have been lots of surprising lessons like this from our time together. I think the most important lesson has been that Louie-Louie Generation love is a powerful medicine. And it has some amazing side effects.

Dickie Quickie

Saturday, July 3rd, 2010

Thank you for your thoughts on the married man-very much in love single lady story. Most of you thought she was just as guilty as he was. But a very significant minority agreed with Proud Podcast Participant Carole, who said:

My feeling is that she was guiltless, but also guile-less.  She was obviously so much in love that she had no thought of anything initially except for that particular moment in time.   (The first time.)  And, later on, she made no demands.  That is true love.    Asking nothing for herself.  Although you said the man was a “dirty dog” – wellllll    I’ve kind of walked in those shoes……and I would not agree with that statement.