Archive for July, 2007

The Dick Summer Connection – July 29, 2007

Saturday, July 28th, 2007

If young bodies are like temples, Louie-Louie Generation bodies are generally more like auto repair shops…except for certain Louie-Louie Generation ladies with their own unique architecture …like Sophia Loren, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and my Lady Wonder Wench.You have no choice about becoming a member of “The Greatest Generation”, “Generation X” or the “Baby Boomers”…it simply depends on how old you are…you’re either a member or you’re not. You can JOIN the Louie-Louie Generation if you feel like it. Age is obviously a factor. If you’re a kid, you’re not going to know anything about “Louie-Louie”. But attitude is even more important than age.For example…there are Louie-Louie guys and girls my age who are ever so grateful that wrinkles don’t hurt…and we know we’re definitely into the third act of the play…but we’re still getting enough applause for our performances …so it’s ok. But there are also Louie-Louie Generation guys and girls who are just noticing that the bite marks on their legs are getting higher as their kids get taller…the girls are putting their bikinis away in a mothball, and the guys are beginning to lose the hair on their heads, and growing it in silly places like the tops of their ears.

Sometimes it takes a “Rubber Glove Moment” to make us realize that maybe it’s time to join the Louie-Louie Generation. Rubber gloves are the worst kind of gloves…any guy who has ever gone for a physical knows that. And my Lady Wonder Wench says they’re also part of a “pap smear” that’s not exactly a fun run either. Rubber Glove Moments are usually quick…it’s like you wake up screaming, but all of a sudden you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

I had a “Rubber Glove Moment” again this morning when I saw the guy in the shaving mirror. I’m 25 years old…on the inside. It’s been a long time since I’ve been 25 years old on the outside…and wow…this morning the lighting must have been really honest. It’s kind of funny that nobody wants to get older, but nobody wants to die young either. What’s the choice ? Maybe a better question is, which guy is which.

“Big Louie his own bad self” told me, “Maybe it’s up to you who is Mr. Summer and who is Mr. Hyde.” “Big Louie” likes that word “maybe”… because he’s not comfortable in the Guru-Savior-Infallible category of Wise Guy. He likes a “try it out and see if it works for you” way of looking at life. I do too. He says, “Honesty… is The Truth… times Maybe.” And: “Maybe nobody cares that you’re shy.” And: “Maybe you can’t drown in your own sweat.” I think the Wizard of Oz must have taken Big Louie aside one day…and left him standing there.

So how will you know if you’re Louie-Louie Generation material? If you answer yes to most of the following questions, the answer is… maybe you are. 1- You take a look at the dating web sites…e harmony dot com and such…and you notice that everybody is romantic and likes walking in the rain…but you recently looked outside and noticed that it’s raining…and although under your shirt you would dearly like to be a sea of hickies…you’re not going to do it if it means walking out there getting wet? 2- Have you all of a sudden noticed that you are watching the Weather Channel more than you’re watching VH1? 3- If you’re a guy, do you find that you’re keeping more food than beer in the fridge? 4- If you’re a girl, do you get kind of a kick out of the fact that I just called you a girl instead of a woman? 5- When you go to the drug store these days, is it more often for ibuprofen and antacid instead of a pregnancy test? 6- Do you now feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s left overs? 7- In high school, did you tend to spend a little more time in detention than most of your friends? 8- When you were a kid, did you have your own favorite speaker spot at the drive-in movie? 9- Have you ever watched the tv newscasts and thought to yourself, “I don’t often pray, but if you’re really up there please save us, Batman”? 10 – (Worth 3 points) Do you WANNA ?

So…HOW DID YOU DO ? Let me know please. My Email is Dick@DickSummer.com   

Dick’s Details Quiz – all answers are available in the current PodCast at www.dicksummer.com

1- What’s the main reason you might not want to pour kitty litter into your shoes at night?

2- What will you get if you eat 10,957 apples?

3- What should you never do with a rubber glove?

Scoring:

3 Right – Gotcha with that “hickies” bit, didn’t I?

2-Right – You know what singer’s name rhymes with “pelvis.”

1-Right – The dog ate your homework.

0-Right – You think “Batman” has something to do with the New York Mets.

PS – How come we get dressed in the clothes we wear for work, drive through traffic in a car we’re still paying for, to get to a job that we need in order to pay for the clothes, the car, and the house we’re not in because…we’re at work? How come I saw a guy at the airport…and just before he walked through the metal detector, he looked down at the plastic ID tag he was wearing like he was checking to be sure who he is? And how come you’re dirty, filthy and depraved if you like sex, but we’re supposed to save sex for those we really love?

If you have any good answers for any of the above, please contact me immediately at  Dick@DickSummer.com

 

 

The Dick Summer Connection – July 22, 2007

Saturday, July 21st, 2007

There are lies, damn lies, politics, advertising and religion. And they have a lot in common. Proud PodCast Participant Jim King sent me a story about a guy who was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and had sex for hours. They fell asleep, and woke up at 8PM. The guy told his girl friend to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt, while he was getting dressed. Then he put his shoes on and drove home. His wife said, “Where have you been?” He said, “I have to tell you the truth. I’m having an affair with my secretary, and we had sex all afternoon.” His wife screamed, “You lying bastard, you’ve been out playing golf again.”

Hardly anybody believes you anymore when you tell the truth. Once upon a time, I made pretty good money working on the radio. Not HowardStern-DonImus mega bucks, but good money. For some reason, people seem interested in what radio-tv salaries are like. Nobody comes out and says, “Hey, you’re that guy on the radio. How much do you make?” But you get questions like, “Where do your kids go to school?” “What kind of car do you drive?” “You’ve got an AIRPLANE ????” (The answers are: a- they went to public schools… including State colleges; b- a ten year old Oldsmobile; c- Yes. A four seat prop driven Piper.) Most of the time I just smiled when the questions got more specific than that. But sometimes I threw people a real curve. I told them the exact amount that showed up on my pay stubs. Most people thought I made much more than that; lots of people were staggered that I made that much. But NOBODY EVER BELIEVED ME, SIMPLY BECAUSE I TOLD THE TRUTH.

There was an article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution the other day about a survey taken by the University of Georgia that said current anti-smoking ads don’t stop teens from smoking. It said the ads get a kind of “Don’t tell me what to do” response from the kids. A professor by the name of Paek said, “Rather than saying ‘don’t smoke,’ it’s better to say, ‘your friends are listening to this message and not smoking.’ IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER WHAT THEIR PEERS ARE ACTUALLY DOING.” In other words…”Hey…they’re kids…what do they know…lie to them.” We’ve gotten used to it. If all your E-mails were true, regardless of your sex, you’d have 44DDD breasts, an 18 inch penis, a fortune in Nigerian Oil, a Christian Mortgage, and a spare- time -work- from -home- job that pays only slightly less than what Bill Gates gets from Microsoft.

Lies are the fertilizer that makes hypocracy bloom in the spring.

Al “Sharpie” Sharpton assured us he was concerned only with expressing his “indignation and moral outrage” at the hurt Don Imus did to the girls on the Rutgers basketball team…that’s all. Political ambition? A publicity ploy? Perish the thought. But now that Don may make a come back, the first guy the news media called for a comment was…”Sharpie”… who quite generously gave his permission to the network to re-hire Don…”under the right conditions.” No doubt “Sharpie” will decide what those conditions are in due time. Wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised if the network were to make a small contribution to the “Reverend’s church” in the process.

Hitler was right about lies. He said make ‘em big enough, and tell ‘em over and over again, and after a while people will believe them. As you know, before he got into politics, Hitler studied for the priesthood. We assume he failed. One guy who passed is the present Pope. He just told a whopper. “The Catholic Church is the only true Church.” Hitler may, of course, have been “misguided.” Perhaps he was “judgment impaired” due to being toilet trained at gunpoint. The Pope, however, is infallible in matters of faith and morals, and therefore cannot make mistakes. But he sure can tell whoppers.

I don’t like lies. Haven’t told one since my divorce. It’s not just that I like confusing people with the truth…because I have a problem with the truth too… and it’s not that I think lies are sinful. They just weaken you…and …I ain’t no wuss. I lied to my first wife while I was seeing my Lady Wonder Wench. I’m not proud of it. But I am glad I stopped lying about it…the honesty felt good…it got me strong again.

I said I don’t lie, but I also have a problem with the truth. I’m almost as suspicious of someone who “always tells the absolute truth” as I am with a constant liar. Another story Proud PodCast Participant Jim King sent was about Father Norton…who woke up Sunday morning and decided he just had to go play golf. So he called his assistant and said, “Please say my mass for me today, I’m not feeling well.” Then he headed to a golf course about 40 miles away so he wouldn’t accidently meet anyone from his parish. He was all alone …after all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church. St. Peter leaned over to the Lord while they were looking down on this and said, “You’re not going to let him get away with this are you?” The Lord said, “No, of course not.” Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it…rolled up and fell into the hole. A 420 yard hole in one. St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and said, “Why did you let him do that ?” The Lord smiled and said, “Who can he tell ?”

One guy’s truth is another guy’s propaganda. George Washington is America’s Revolutionary hero, but King George’s traitor. One guy’s religion is another guy’s cult. People who faithfully follow their religions kill people who are killing people…to enforce the fifth Commandment…Thou Shalt Not Kill.

That’s why smart Louie-Louie Generation guys and girls tend to remember what Big Louie his own bad self always says: “Truth” times “Maybe” = “Honesty.”

Honesty is the product of what you believe is the truth, a small helping of “maybe”, and if possible a certain sense of perspective, experience and humor. Honesty is good. Lies are for wusses. The truth can be catastrophic. Remember… the guys who flew the airliners on September 11, 2001 were faithfully following their religious ” truth.”

Some religion, sometime, should consider including an honest dose of “maybe.” God willing.

Dick’s Details Quiz – All answers are available in the current PodCast at www.dicksummer.com

1- What well known religious icon suffers damage when lots of people go for Acupuncture treatments?

2- What well known game started with a rule book that said, “Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden?”

3- What should you do to be sure you’ll sleep like a log ?

Scoring:

3 right – Honesty.

2 right – Truth.

1 right – Justice

0 right – Whoops.

This blog and the current PodCast may offend some people. Obviously that’s not my intention. But I won’t say I’m sorry, because that would be a lie. I tried to be honest with you when I was on the air, and I try to be honest with you now when you write (dick@dicksummer.com  )  or call…(610-793:0587)and it’s the same with the Dick Summer Connection and the Good Night PodCast.

I can’t stand politics. It’s too often built on self serving lies. “I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you.” (Right.) And I’ve come to distrust religions. They’re too often built on self serving “truths.” “This is the word of the Lord.” (Says who.)

I love my country. It has big problems. But it’s stupid to complain about problems without trying to do something to solve them. Our solutions haven’t solved our problems so far…and I hate it when we give up and dump the responsibility for solving our problems on somebody we call God, Yahweh, or Allah.

I like being honest. That means I tell you what I think is the truth…with the understanding that maybe I’m right…and maybe I’m not…but this is what I honestly believe. If you want to try to convince me I’m wrong…go ahead, I’ll listen…don’t hold your breath…but I WILL listen…and I’ll listen with as much of an open mind as I can.

Our country…and all mankind, has big problems right now. Big deal “Experts” huff and puff about them endlessly. I’m well aware that this blog and PodCast aren’t big deals. But if you don’t think little things can make a difference… let me know how well you can sleep when there’s a mosquito in the room. My Email is Dick@DickSummer.com 

 

 

 

The Dick Summer Connection – July 15, 2007

Saturday, July 14th, 2007

The last few weeks have been kind of nasty. My Lady Wonder Wench hasn’t been feeling good, I’m worried for some buddies, Mark, Al and Eric, my airplane accident…lots of stuff is grinding at my grim determination to be optimistic this year. But maybe things are beginning to turn around. Maybe is a very important word. After all, maybe there really are black holes…maybe God really does care, and maybe the princess actually did kiss a frog, and that’s the reason why her mother found a guy who claimed he was a prince in the princess’s room in the morning. Maybe. I think if I were her father, I’d watch the guy pretty closely to see if he hopped around a lot and ate flies for breakfast… but… maybe.

Maybe there’s even hope for us to get over our silly hangups on sex…although according to KOMO-TV, the Mayor of Keizer, Oregon is taking heat from the Forces For Good In The Community (FFGITC) because the town installed a bunch of cement posts to protect pedestrians from cars…. but the FFGITC claim they look too much like erect penises. Evidently the only person in town with any sense of humor… (or actually any sense at all)… told the station: “My son said he wanted to hang a sign on them that says “always use protection.”

So let me see if I can get a few smiles going here with a couple of silly sex stories that maybe I couldn’t tell if I worked on the Keizer radio station. A guy steps out of his shower naked and dripping wet…says to his wife, “Hey, Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?” She looks at him and says, “They’d probably say I married you for your money.” A little while later the couple is lying in bed, and the man says, “Honey, I’m going to make you the happiest woman in the world.” And she just turns to him and says, “I’m really going to miss you.” That feels a little better. Maybe just one more: Our next door neighbor Bernadette asked my Lady Wonder Wench, “What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?” Madame W. Wench didn’t miss a beat. She said, “It means you didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.”

Maybe this next story will take a little time to tell…but I think it’s worth it. It’s an honest story, told by Proud PodCast Participant “Joan P.” Last August, Joan sent me an email saying, “Dear Dick, I started seeing a very important guy in my life during the summer of 1973. I gave him a copy of your book Lovin Touch after hearing some of the stories on the radio. The stories meant a lot to me. We were both legally separated at the time. We spent several wonderful years together. But eventually he went back to his wife, and I re-married. My husband passed away in January of 2006, and his wife passed away the following March. When a mutual friend of ours mentioned that his wife had died, I hesitated, but eventually called to offer my condolences. That call opened a whole new chapter in our lives.

Two days after my call to him, he called me back. The calls between us became daily affairs, and they lasted many hours. We had roughly 25 years to catch up on. Last Monday he called to invite me to lunch during the week. Of course I said yes. Our first look at one another is one that I will hold forever in my heart. We didn’t see how the years had changed us…me now 65 and he at almost 62…it was a look of what we had both missed for all those years.

After tonight’s five hour conversation, he mentioned remembering my gift to him of your Lovin Touch book. He even said it had a red cover. I couldn’t believe he remembered. He said for almost three weeks he had been searching the house for it and couldn’t find it. I ordered your CD, but would also like to get a new copy of the book. It would mean so much to me if you could help me locate one. I would be able to write inside, ‘To our second beginning…forever.’ Can you please help me locate one ?”

(I don’t have any more copies and had to tell her so. But I did send her a copy of the Bedtime Stories CD. Joan found copies of a couple of the books on Amazon and sent me this note:) “Hi Dick, just received your copy of Bedtime Stories. Thank you so much. Dave is going to be so surprised when I give him the books and the CDs.

A couple of weeks later, Joan sent another note: “Hi Dick, I thought I would bring you up to date on my re-connection with Dave. It was beautiful…more than either one of us could have imagined. I pulled into his driveway and was greeted by his puppy ‘Char.’ Then Dave came around the corner and it was sheer joy. A hug, a warm embrace and a lingering kiss. We talked, we embraced, we giggled and laughed, and ‘lovin’ touches put us in a world of our own. We had to part and go back to our lives on Saturday, but Dave said, ‘This is just the beginning. We’ll only be apart a short time.’

Joan sent a nice Christmas card…and then this note was in today’s E-mail “in box”: “Hi Dick, wanted to give you an update. Dave and I are still together, and still very much in love. We’re coming up on the first anniversary of our new beginning. What really challenged our true love is when Dave was diagnosed with lung cancer in January. I have been with him every day since then. He has now completed his chemo and radiation, and goes for a repeat CT Scan later this week. We hope to be together, but we’ll treasure whatever time we have left.”

Maybe they’ll have a long time together. I hope they do.

I was going to say this series of Emails isn’t great literature…but maybe it is. Guess it depends on what you call great literature. It made me feel good when I was hurting for some good friends… and for myself. It’s an honest story about two people who put their lives together, tore them apart, and found each other again. It’s an honest story that found its way into the same E-mail “in box” as a ton of phony spam about penis extenders, Christian mortgages, notices of winning a Nigerian fortune, and promises of sexual splendor with un-named “beautiful young women who are feeling lonely.”

Notice I called it an honest story…not a true story. I’ve been a member of the Louie-Louie Generation long enough to be suspicious of “the Truth.” I’ve come to know and respect the word Maybe. “Big Louie his own bad self” told me…”Truth times Maybe equals Honesty.” It seems to me that big “Truths” with no room for small “Maybes” is the kind of thing that starts book burnings, witch hunts, and “Holy Wars”…to say nothing of statements like “you’re either with us or you’re against us,” “we must bring our way of life to the world,” and “Ours is the only true church.”  

So if this simple, honest story makes me feel like maybe I can stay grimly optimistic for awhile longer…maybe I can call it great literature if I want. Honestly… reading it made me feel better than I did when I read Moby Dick.

 

DICK’S DETAILS QUIZ – All answers are in the current PodCast at www.dicksummer.com 

 

1- What should we call a couple of slices of bread with ham and cheese in between? (hint…sandwich isn’t the answer.)

2- Who was the first president of the United States? (hint…it wasn’t George.)

3- Who was everybody’s “Uncle Walter” in the 1960s?

Scoring:

3 right – Maybe you’re a genius.

2 right – Maybe you’re not.

1 right – Maybe you’d better listen again.

0 right – Maybe you shouldn’t bother.

QUESTION – If I had “Louie-Louie Generation” baseball caps made, and sold them at cost, would you be interested in sticking your head into one ? Please let me know at- dick@dicksummer.com

PS- I’d like to think that maybe people will forgive our terrible national and religious conceits, just as Id like to think that Joan and Dave will have many happy years together, and that the Prince really does hop around pretty well, and that he’s good at keeping the flies off the princess… and I want to think that maybe Cinderella is really still beautiful and graceful, and her prince is still strong and faithful, and maybe they’re still dancing to the same music they heard at the ball…because they’re still hearing it in their hearts…maybe even forever and ever…amen.

Maybe.

 

The Dick Summer Connection – July 8, 2007

Saturday, July 7th, 2007

I always wanted to learn how to fly an airplane. So I did. Here’s how you do it. To make the houses on the ground get bigger, push the stick forward. To make the houses on the ground get smaller, pull the stick back. To make the houses on the ground get bigger very fast, pull the stick all the way back and hold it there. I know about things like that. So how come if I’m so smart, I can’t figure out how to spit between my two front teeth…or how to whistle with two fingers…or how to do that dolphin kick when you swim the butterfly stroke. I guess the answer is that if it were important enough to me, I would take the time right now to do something about it…like learn how.This is a round about way of saying you taught me a big lesson and you’re going to cost me some money with your answers to the four questions I asked you last time. One of the questions was, “Tell me four places you’d rather be.” To put this into perspective, the counter on this page says we had almost 2,000 hits on the last blog. As you can imagine, there are LOTS of places anyone might like to visit. But almost HALF of the answers said something like “I AM where I most want to be.” Some of the other really interesting answers…”Coming home from the beach on a sunny day in my Mustang with the top down…”; “A Western Kansas wheatfield right before a thunder-storm…”; “In the tub…”; “Recording with my brothers…”; “Visiting another planet…” And one place… Maui… was mentioned 11 times. Most of the people who mentioned Maui also said they’d never been there.One of those people was me.

Here’s the lesson…if it were important enough to me, I’d take the time to do something about it…like go there.

So, thank you for the lesson. I do learn.

I just promised my lady Wonder Wench that we will go to Maui next spring. Seeing her in a grass skirt will be more than worth the money. And as a charter member of the “Louie-Louie Generation,” I better get working on the rest of my list of places I want to go and things I want to do…now…while I can still have fun doing them.

Proud PodCast Participant Capt. Eric also had a comment about my suggestion that you can enjoy sneezing without catching a cold simply by looking into a bright light. (I think sneezing is one of the most satisfying things a human being can do with his clothes on.) Capt. Eric says, “If you sneeze in the face of a bright light, you’re in a genetic group with about 1/3 of the population. That’s a totally inherited tendency…like the ability to curl your tongue or touch your tongue to your nose.” (We’ll pause here for a moment to give you the time to try those things….time’s up.) Eric continues, “You and I share that trait. I remember being in a play in college, lying on the stage dressed in a buffalo robe (“Indians” by Arthur Kopit…great play). All was dark, then the stage lights came up full bright…and I was looking right at them. It was all I could do to keep from ruining the scene. I was, after all, supposed to be a dead buffalo.”

By the way, the overwhelming number one choice for favorite food was various forms of PIZZA. And PodCast Master David Summer added a list of his four favorite movies…”Groundhog Day” (a strange title for a dedicated vegetarian to choose), the Hope/Crosby Road pictures, the “Star Trek” Movies, and “Young Man With A Horn.” (A non porn film about a musician.) Thank you for answering my request for your favorites.

You’re making this blog feel more and more like “The Huddle.”

Here’s what I mean. I played a reasonable amount of football when I was a kid. When I was on the radio…and things were really going well…I got the same kind of feeling I used to get in a football huddle. A few good guys gathered around protecting each other and planning what we were going to do to WIN and impress the cheerleaders.

I had a good radio career on some of the country’s biggest stations… WNEW, WNEW-FM, WNBC, WOR, WBZ, WIBC…and I got that “Huddle” feeling on every one of them. It wasn’t like talking to millions of people…just a few good guys…protecting each other…and planning to WIN.

Some nights I also got a feeling that I called the “Pillow.” That was how it felt to talk very quietly into a beautiful woman’s freshly shampooed hair…spread out on her pillow…as she’s smiling…and slipping off to sleep.

 

That’s why I call this the Dick Summer Connection.

DICK’S DETAILS QUIZ – All answers are available in the current PodCast at www.dicksummer.com

1- The word “aerobic” comes from an ancient Brooklyn word meaning_________.

2- What’s the perfect answer to “Big boys don’t cry.”

3- “Big Louie” says, “Celibacy is no more of a virtue than______.

Scoring:

3 – right – Join “The Huddle.”

2 – right – Be the fifth caller to win.

1- right – Can’t take your request right now.

0 – right – Your transistor battery just died.

FOR COMMENTS, THOUGHTS, SUGGESTIONS and/or PAYOLA MY E-MAIL ADDRESS IS DICK@DICKSUMMER.COM   

 

PS. I was only kidding about Robert DeNiro in the PodCast. None of the actresses who appeared in steamy love scenes really complained. At least not about his hairy back.