Thank you for dropping in here on my blog & podcast, because I can use some friendly company. It looks like I’ve become an adult. When did that happen? And how can I make it stop? I’m sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room, hiding from another birthday. In my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, Big Louie, the head guy of the Louie Louie Generation says, “There are 3 ages of mankind. Youth, middle age, and “My you look good.” So now I have to look good on an every-day basis? I really can’t complain I suppose, because I know I asked for it. Last time I saw Dr. Charles about the aches and pains he said, “I can’t make you any younger you know.” I told him, “I’m not interested in being younger. I want to get older.” So here I am. At least (so far) I don’t seem to share the problem the guy in the picture seems to be having.
Archive for February, 2016
As I’ve been telling you all February, GESUNDHEIT !
You and I…us…we…are a very small huddle of humans. There aren’t very many of us. But we are the Louie Louie Generation, and we can make a difference. As I told you in today’s podcast we can stop bringing down the wrath of God, by ignoring the BRRRR He put in February. If He wants us to know he can make a month just as nasty as August, but in the other direction…we won’t fight it. We won’t get Him so ticked off He makes us start dodging polar bears in mid-town traffic. Admit it. It’s cold. That’s because…and repeat after me please, it’s FebBRRRRuary. And please tell your friends to do the same. Please. It’ll make a big difference. It might even make February cool again…instead of so damn cold. And it could…possibly… even help ease some of the pain of rejection that I have felt, ever since mom wore that thick, wool sweater, while I was trying to nurse, all those years ago.
It’s FRIDAY, so it’s time for Dick’s Details from today’s podcast. Dick’s Details is a bunch of totally un-important stuff for you to stuff in one ear so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s giving you brain freeze out the other ear, and you can enjoy the beach.The smart guys in the white lab coats tell us that 20% of heart attacks happen on Mondays. Big Louie says “When you run out of sick days you sometimes have to resort to drastic measures. If the answer is “No more excuses” what is the question? More smart guys in white lab coats tell us that there is a phenomenon called spontaneous human combustion in which a human body just bursts into flames. I think you are most in danger of that happening to you if you eat a Cinnabon right after dining at a Taco Bell. And still more similarly attired smart guys tell us that “Microbes account for 60 % of the earth’s biomass. Let us hope a leader never arises. Oh yes, if the answer is “No more excuses” the question is, “Did you know that the endorphins released during sex can actually relieve a headache?”You see some strange sights in the February snow. Try explaining the snow on this park bench. Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
Kind of a rant in today’s podcast. Maybe it’s just that I was born in February, but it really grates on my one remaining nerve to hear people say the word February without the brrrr. What’s a FebYOUuary? The BRRR is important. How would you like to go see a B-youd-way play ? If you come to a red light in your car, are you going to step on the buWAKe? Maybe it doesn’t bother you, but when somebody says FebYOUary…but I want to drown that person in a barrel of b_you. It’s BREW, folks…as you, and the priest, the rabbi, and the minister damn well knew when you went to get some bREW-skies in that weird bar at the beginning of this podcast. By the way after you left, my buddy Big Louie says a giant termite walked in and asked, “Where is the bar tender.” I guess he was thirsty after playing a dangerous game of termite squash. The prize for winning is that you don’t get squashed. Here’s some Cake and Edith for you from my buddy Al.
I was born in February, and I blame the cold weather for my introduction to what I have come to call in today’s podcast, my “lifetime of emotional rejection.” I was born in February. In the Arctic section of Brooklyn. And can you imagine how hard it is for a new born infant to nurse through a wool sweater ? In February, there are especially sexy places in Brooklyn where you can’t get satellite reception because of the electrical interference from all the static electricity sparks from skin rubbing against all those heavy wool sweaters. I remember Sister Mary Knucklebuster telling the guys in the fifth grade, that those static electric sparks were little tiny lightning strikes, put into girl’s sweaters by God to make us keep our fingers to ourselves. I don’t know what she told the girls. But whatever it was, it seemed to be highly effective for all but a very few, very popular young ladies.
We look deeply into the mind of God in today’s podcast. Think about this. Suppose you were God, and you wanted to make a really nasty, cold month…which if you were God, you’d have a perfect right to do. Maybe you wanted people to know, and appreciate, that just as you could make a stinking hot month like August, you could make a crappy cold month too if you felt like it. In your mercy, you’d make it shorter than the other months, but it would be really nasty cold. So you made the month, and gave it the name February… because, FeBRUary has that nice kind of cold BRRR sound in there, and being God you are very good with the English language. Now suppose your clueless people keep leaving out the BRRR that you wanted in there. They keep calling it FebYOUary. If you were God, wouldn’t you kind of tighten down the cold screws a little, hoping people would get the point ? Of course you would. You might even go so far as to make them go to their favorite bar and drink bYOU-skis.
It’s February. That’s why it was so cold this morning, you could freeze an egg on the sidewalk. In fact I’ll bet hens were laying eggs from a standing position. Male dogs were getting stuck on the fire hydrants in embarrassing ways. Flashers were just describing themselves. The forecast was for six inches of snow, but look…there’s miles and miles of it. One good thing…when it snows my lawn looks just as good as Randy’s next door. Time to put a fire in the fireplace.
Today’s podcast is about one of my favorite complaints. I am sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room, thawing out from the trip I just took to the mailbox. It’s cold. No I mean COLD. That’s because it’s February. And as I told you in my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot (available at Amazon.com) the word is FebRUary. Not Feb-YOU-ary. Think about this please: If you, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walked into a bar and the bartender asked if you wanted some b-YOU-skis you, the priest, the rabbi and the minister would all figure it was some kind of joke. It’s bREW-skis. And it’s FebRUary. February and brew-skis are both cold. I took my hot cup of coffee with me to keep my hands warm when I went up to the mailbox just now, and by the time I got back to the house, I had a large lump of coffee rattling around in the cup. My next door neighbor Randy was out getting his mail too. I said “Hello”, and it was so cold, the “lo” froze, hit the ground and broke before he could hear it. He thought I was just saying “Hell” and he said thanks for the warm wishes. He was wearing his hunting camo, so I didn’t actually see him. But I knew where he was because I could follow the sound of his teeth chattering.
Today’s podcast gives Valentine’s Day a kind of a quick pat on the butt as it goes out the door for another year. I really think you’ve got to be a little crazy to fall in love, because if you’re not a little crazy in love you’re not really in love. Louie Louie Generation lads and ladies know that Loving costs a lot. But not loving costs everything you have. A real Louie Louie Lady finds it hard to resist a guy who brings her flowers, sings to her, tells her stories, and always holds her hand. Always. A guy like me who is cleverly disguised as a mature adult. And she never gives up on a crazy in love guy like me, because she knows I’m very good in bed. I can sleep for days.