I’m sitting here in a rest area on the road to ruin. I had to get off, because the traffic is moving way too fast, and I want to take as much time as possible getting there.  Actually, I’m sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room, trying to recover from all the end-of-the-human-race-as-we-know-it-news that’s all over the internet, Time magazine, the newspaper, and the TV. Pessimists have never been so happy. The best we seem to be able to these days is to dread one day at a time. The middle east, the budget crisis, health care and the New York Mets…again.

One of the potholes on the road to ruin happened yesterday. A politician actually got on TV and said, “We are overwhelmed with sex in movies, on television and in advertising. With the overpopulation that’s going on, do we really need Cialis? Wouldn’t it be better to have a pill that would take away our sex urge?” He probably thinks he’ll get the vote of every bored, neglected, and tired dreary drone wife who could slip a pill like that into her husband’s beer, and her teenager’s lunch sandwich.

Actually, I don’t think we need a pill like that. It’s already happening naturally. With all the tension from the road to ruin rushing that’s going on I’ve already noticed a real loss in my own sex urge. I noticed it a couple of times last night, and again just this morning and then a few minutes ago.

You might have seen that survey of college age Pimple People recently in which they said if they had to take a choice between sex and texting, they’d give up the sex. These are our future leaders…rushing us down the road to ruin. I was talking with one of them…the son of a friend of mine who was planning on having another spike put in his tongue in time for returning to college yesterday, and he actually said he thinks that the larger a woman’s breasts are, the less intelligent the woman is. He said it with a smirk. But Pimple People seem to say most things with a smirk. So as a Louie Louie Generation guy, I felt it necessary to explain to him that…no… it’s the other way around. The larger a woman’s breasts are the less intelligent guys become. If they would only get a copy of my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot  I wouldn’t have to explain these things over and over again.

I guess the Pimple People just haven’t been around long enough to know what’s really going on. This kid has no real sense of history. He didn’t even know who fought on which side during WW2. If he ever heard of the Trojan wars, he probably thought they had something to do with contraceptives. He actually said that when his fraternity throws a party, if you want to be one of the guys, you have to down at least 10 beers. How the hell do you do that and remember ever even having a party ? I guess when these future leaders say they’re planning for the future, they mean they’re buying two cases of beer instead of one. I think those guys could use their personalities as a highly effective method of birth control.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-   What goes cluck cluck thump. Cluck cluck thump ?

2-   What connection does a walrus have to the National Football League.

3- When is it a good time to leave the room when the smart guys in the white lab coats start experimenting ?

4- How long would it take your muscles to respond to Catherine Zeta Jones ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

I’m going to sit here in the rest area of the Road to Ruin and calm down for a while. The thing that started all this is that according to the numbers, I really am on the road to ruin. And the exit ramp isn’t that far ahead. And I’d be lying to you if I said that doesn’t scare me. I sometimes wake up at 3AM and I see my Lady Wonder Wench looking all lovely in the moonlight, and I wonder how many more times I’ll get to do that. We had the newest member of the family here over the weekend. Our daughter Kris brought Cecelia over for a visit. Cecelia is 4 years old. But if you ask her, she tells you, “I’m almost five poppa.” Having someone who is almost five around the house feels like you have suddenly had a bowling alley installed in your head. But then she jumps up into your lap and gives you a big hug…and you realize you don’t ever want to stop being somebody’s poppa. Gratitude-Attitude. Just like in the book.

Sitting here in the rest area for a while gets you ready for the pot holes you know you’re going to hit, when you go back to rushing down the road to ruin.  As Big Louie says in the book: “You can never tell when something wonderful is going to happen.”

There’s an other very old and very famous book called Peter Pan. And I think one of the great and selfless heroines of history is in that book. Her name is Tinker Belle. Tink is in love with Peter, but it can’t happen for two reasons. Number one is that Tinker Belle is a fairy, and Peter is a boy who’s in love with a human girl named Wendy. Number two is that Peter refuses to grow up. Number two is a pretty familiar story to many of you Louie Louie ladies.

But Tinker Bell has something that Peter wants. It’s her fairy dust that gives him his magical powers. And even though there’s absolutely nothing in it for her, Tinker Bell gives Peter so much of her fairy dust, that she’s almost about to disappear, which is what fairies do instead of dying. The one thing that can save Tinker Belle is if Peter believes in her magic love. And the way he’s supposed to let her know he believes is by clapping his hands. There’s a lesson there for some of us who are kind of close to the getting off ramp on our road.

Magic lives. In fact life is magic. The Good Book says that God created life and God is love. So if you believe…really believe….in God, doesn’t that mean that you also have to believe in the magic power of love ?

Clap hands for Tinker Belle will be in my next Personal Audio CD. If you like it you can just keep the current podcast. And if you like stories like it, just check out the Personal Audio CD icons on the home page.

Everybody is rushing along the road to ruin…the Pimple People just don’t know it, and the Dreary Drones were mostly ruined a long time ago anyway. Those guys kiss their women to calm them down. Louie Louie Lads and Ladies know what’s going on, and we know we’re going to be ok. We’re going to be fully alive the day we die. We roll out of bed every morning to do our thing…and that’s no problem. It’s getting up off the floor some mornings that can be a problem. But we figure whatever life throws at us, we can duck so it hits somebody else. And we remember that only a jerk is always at his best. Every time you feel like throwing in the towel, remember… all that would do is make more laundry.

It is true that we’re all rushing down the road to ruin…and if you believe the politicians and the talk show hosts you’ll break your axles in the pot holes. The middle east…the national debt…health care…and over on ESPN, the New York Mets.

But as Big Louie always says, there are some things that are just more important than being scared. Tinker Belle was scared, but she came through anyway. I think we all deserve a little magic love like hers. So, how about it? What will it cost you to clap hands a couple of times for Tink? 



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