Unsafe Around Sharp Objects

I just got back from the drug store with a stash of vitamins and magic herbs that will improve my memory, help me sleep, and make My Lady Wonder Wench putty in my arms. And you know those plastic wrappings they put around bottle tops to keep the bad guys from dropping their stuff in there while nobody’s looking ? I grabbed a knife from the drawer, and started cutting around the edge so I could open the lid, and My Lady Wonder Wench said, “Don’t cut yourself.” She doesn’t trust me with sharp objects. What have I done to deserve that ? (For those of you who have been listening to this podcast for a while, never mind with your wise guy answers.)

 I must admit, I’ve been dreadfully distracted lately by this new book I’m working on. I sent the first draft to the editor who sent it back with markings that looked like the ones Sr. Mary Knucklebuster made on the report I did in fifth grade called What I Did On Summer Vacation. Writing a book is hard, not like making a spoken word CD. They even want you to spell stuff right.

 The working title of the book, which has been changed about 15 times…this week, is “Staying Happy, Healthy and Hot. We’re The Louie-Louie Generation. The publisher warned me not to put it on the blog or podcast because “You shouldn’t give it away.” I said something to him in my native klingon, which loosely translates to, “Go forth and multiply yourself,” and I’m putting the draft of the first chapter right here.

 The Times They Are A-Changing

 Once upon a time, in what now seems like a long, long, time ago, every generation lived in what they called, “The old days.” In those “old days,” everybody got old. Wrinkled. Worn out. Crunchy. Yeeechh. That may be why they were called the “old days.” But as Bob Dylan said, “The Times They Are A Changing,” So move over you Baby Boomers, and Millennials, and all the rest of the generations of the past. Here comes the brand new Louie-Louie Generation, and we are “Beyond your command.”

 We may not look like the people in the beer commercials anymore with their fancy abs and perky breasts, but we have lots of surprises in store for people who think we’re just left over chunks of luke warm meat. We know that “He who dies with the most toys, wins.” But our attitude is, “Why envy that guy. He doesn’t get to play with his toys. He’s dead.”  So instead of getting grumpy and old, we’re grateful that we have our own nice toys to play with. That’s called the Louie-Louie Generation attitude/gratitude connection. Happiness helps us stay healthy. And happy healthy people are hot. And hot is sexy. And sexy makes us happy.

 This is the first known written account of the new “Louie-Louie Generation.” It’s mostly a collection of stories about how a Louie-Louie Generation man and woman usually turn up the tingle in their every day lives with a healthy jolt of the “Double ‘Tude”…attitude and gratitude. It usually works. Not always. We’re not perfect. And that’s good. Perfect gets boring pretty fast. And Louie-Louie lads and ladies don’t get bored.

 Our “Virtual Founding Father” is Big Louie, his own bad self, the “Chief Mustard Cutter” of our Louie-Louie Generation. Big Louie’s motto is, “The Tingle Is In The ‘Tude Dude.”  And his “Tingle Jingle”…is Louie-Louie, the song with a double title, and a double dose of  ‘Tude.”

You’re probably already a member of the Louie-Louie Generation if you’ve been around long enough to have enjoyed making some of the same wonderful bad mistakes that the rest of us have made.  But your attitude and gratitude, your double ‘tude, is far more important than your age. If you’re happy, healthy and hot, you are more than welcome to membership in our Generation. People who never heard of lava lamps, Frisbees, or hula hoops can be Louie-Louie folks, too. As long as they have that double ‘tude. 

Louie-Louie lads and ladies face a daily struggle for respect, recognition, and happiness against the insolent forces of the clueless Pimple People and the Drab and Dreadful Drones, who have gone over to the Dork side.

We need to deal with the fact that the world is overrun with Pimple People. Many of them wear their baseball caps sideways, drive spikes through their tongues, and wear their jeans low enough so that when they walk away, they show us a parting nasty crack.

 The Dreary Drones should know better. They’ve been around. But they just keep going around…and around…and around. They slouch through life, drenched in TV, slogging through soggy relationships, and settling for dimmed down dreams. They wouldn’t know a Fun House if they lived in one.

Louie-Louie-Hood has lots of benefits.  Louie-Louie Generation guys are the bedmates of choice of supermodels, lovely, lusty, lady chief executives, and Catherine Zeta Jones look-alikes.  That’s because we treat our women with lots of love and lots of lovely lust, we have some pretty good life stories to tell, and we don’t mind telling them. And many of us have paid off our nice cars and private airplanes. We’ve guys with double doses of attitude/ gratitude.

Louie-Louie ladies know how to laugh and cry, love and lust, and cook … in every sense of the word.  You’ll enjoy watching a Louie-Louie lady, cooking comfortably at some high powered job, hitting her Louie-Louie guy on the shoulder while she laughs at his joke–that she’s heard five times–while making sure the guy does the job exactly the way she wants it done.  

And a Louie-Louie lady on the prowl is a force of nature.  A great example of that happened around here last Friday.  A Louie-Louie lady was eyeing some guy sitting alone at an Applebees bar. She put some perfume on her little lace hankie, slipped it into the guy’s jacket pocket … smiled up at him … and walked away without a word.  Naturally, he caught up with her and asked her what that was all about.  She just said, “It looks good in your pocket.”  Then she started asking if he came here often … shook her head as if she couldn’t hear … and said, “It’s noisy in here” … and leaned over toward him so she could hear his answer.  That guy didn’t stand a chance.

A Louie-Louie lady was sitting at a table with a guy at lunch today.  They were smiling and talking … and she slowly slid her toe under his trouser cuff–nice and easy–and then tucked her toe back up under her fanny. I don’t know how a woman can do that…sit on her own leg. But the nice thing is, they got up very abruptly, paid the check and left.  Good.

My Lady Wonder Wench is a Louie-Louie lady.  Sometimes she just sits over there on the couch and crosses her legs kind of high up on the thigh and lets one shoe slip off enough to show the sole of her foot … then she swings her foot back and forth a little.  Oh yeah … Louie-Louie ladies are very good at cooking.

 This book is full of stories about how this Louie-Louie lad and his Louie-Louie “Lady Wonder Wench” are keeping our double ‘tude tingle working to stay happy, healthy, and hot. Usually. We’ve been together since that old black and white picture on the cover was taken, so many years ago. And you’ll see what the years haven’t been able to do to us in the pictures on the back cover.    

 Big Louie always says, “As long as you’ve still got some moving parts…move your parts.” 

 Dick’s Details Quiz – all answers are in the current podcast.

 1-      What makes an octopus feel ugly ?

2-      What kind of ship do you want to be on around whales ?

3-      What do we know from the research of a scientist by the name of Stumpy.

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 Staying happy, healthy and hot puts some high power tingle in our lives. Which can cause some problems. There’s  a story about that in the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio CD, and in the current podcast. It’s about a man and woman who became lovers one night.

And it was good. And it was awful. The story is called Temporary Friends. I sometimes wonder if they became permanent lovers. That happens. Temporary Friends is from the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections 2 icon on the home page.

 Staying happy, healthy and hot makes you sexy. Which can make you happy again. But Big Louie, his own bad self always says, “Remember that if you push someone you care about over some towering cliff of passion, you must always be ready to catch her safely with your love.” I guess that should be part of your check list before you find yourself in the company of someone who has so far only been a temporary friend.

 And another thing that should be on your checklist, when somebody you care about makes it clear that she doesn’t trust you with sharp objects. Before you come back with some snotty saying, walk into your bathroom and make faces at yourself in the mirror. Sooner or later that will make you grin. You always win when you grin. And things being what they are, your somebody will eventually pound on the door and yell, “Are you still in there.” Always tell them no. A good surprise never hurt anybody.

2 Responses to “Unsafe Around Sharp Objects”

  1. This was an informative post.

  2. Still not so sure about Apple. I do admire their products but the whole patent drama has really turned me away from buying their products. crfriborg@gmail.com