The Dick Summer Connection – September 9, 2007

Big Louie, his own bad self, has just released a new video to his colleagues in the Louie-Louie Generation. His message is: “The more seriously you take yourself, the funnier you look.” I’ve never had a problem with that. I don’t mind being considered immature. That’s what I am.

When I see a lot of geese flying, I can’t help thinking that means down is up. When I see my Lady Wonder Wench dressed… “comfortably,” I lose control of my eyebrows and my fingers. I cannot help these things. I’m only a testosterone soaked Louie-Louie Generation guy.

Life is like licking honey off a thorn. Gotta be careful, but it can be fun. For example, the other day I couldn’t find a matching sock. So I just took the sock in my hand to my neighbor Randy’s house, and while he and his wife Bernadette were talking to my Lady Wonder Wench, I excused myself and went to his bathroom, and slipped my remaining sock into his laundry basket. I figured, let him go nuts looking for the other one. Serves him right for letting his kid disable my intercontinental plastic potato launcher with super glue. I have a small aquarium. The other night we had a party, and before the guests arrived, I tossed some very thin carrot slices into the water. When my buddy Al rang the doorbell, I opened the door and grabbed a couple of carrot slices out of the water, swallowed one and asked him if he’d like to eat the other one. He said, “Very funny…but suppose you grabbed one of the real fish by mistake?” So I just said I’d have thrown it back in, grabbed one of the carrot slices, and claimed the first fish was too small.

My friend Doug down the block has a joke going with his boss. The boss always dresses well. He even wears a stylish and expensive hat. So Doug bought two hats just like it, but different sizes. Every day Doug replaces the boss’s hat with one of the hats he bought. The next day he puts the boss’s real hat back. He’s literally messing up the boss’s head.

Another friend of mine, Jerry, is going to be the best man at his brother Kurt’s wedding. He’s planning on taking a felt pen the night before the ceremony, and he’s going to print the word “HELP” on the sole of Kurt’s shoes, the part just in front of the heel that doesn’t touch the ground…so when Kurt kneels down at the ceremony, the people in the first few rows will have something to read.

You don’t even have to figure out ways to entertain yourself…just keep your eyes open. In the sports page of yesterday’s local paper, a headline read, “St. John the Baptist Wins Girl’s Title, 6-2.” Don’t you have to wonder if the guys at the Vatican know about this development? My idiot neighbor Steve has been trying to convince me that the bigger a woman’s breasts are, the less intelligence she has. IDIOT ! The fact is, I have noticed that the bigger a woman’s breasts are the less intelligence Steve has. Steve comes from a broken family…I think he’s probably the one who broke it.

My Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knew. But one lesson he always taught did manage to sink in. Hypocrites are hilarious. Recently, certain Forces For Good In The Community (F.F.G.I.T.C.) decided that Proctor and Gamble and Warner Lambert were promoting indecency by sponsoring certain tv shows. They were basically saying that Crest was retarding cavities, but promoting moral decay. So I guess we’ll have to watch for some changes to their products. For example, Folger’s coffee will be completely decaffeinated to avoid even a hint of stimulation. And Crest will have a new notice on the tube saying, “If the Lord wants your teeth to rot, we’re not going to interfere.” Alka-Seltzer will market a new version that will offer absolutely no relief to a sinner who has eaten, boozed, and debauched himself into an upset stomach and headache. And Don Imus will be allowed back on the air…with his new co-host Al Sharpton.

My best buddy Fred writes a political blog. Fred is in favor of the death penalty for littering. He has a plastic statue of Ann Coulter on the dashboard of his car. His solution to the situations in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, North Korea, China, The Philippines, Venezuela, Mexico and Canada is, “Nuke ‘em.” We have been friends for decades, but we were getting to the point where I was actually avoiding his calls with that crap. Then I remembered Big Louie’s statement…”The more seriously you take yourself, the sillier you look.” And I realized that was exactly what I was doing. Taking myself too seriously.

I’ll be voting in the next election. But beyond that, what difference does it make that I think all wars are simply self destructive?…I think they don’t accomplish a single thing in the long run. I don’t think it would have made much of a difference to us today if we had even lost the Revolutionary War…except maybe we’d be speaking better English. I don’t think anybody won the two World Wars. And whatever you call it, what’s going on in Iraq right now is simply stupid. And…it doesn’t matter in the least. My viewpoints aren’t going to change anything… any more than the people who scream at you on talk radio are going to change anything…or the people who write the oh-so- serious editorials in the papers, the magazines and the blogs. And you know what’s really silly? Taking myself so seriously almost cost me a real friend over stuff that has absolutely no practical and personal meaning at all. Chalk it up to a testosterone attack. If you have one of those that lasts more than just a few minutes, go rent a Monte Python movie.

Dick’s Details Quiz – All answers are available in the current PodCast at www.DickSummer.com 

1- What’s the new cure for hiccups?

2- What did Henry Ford say was his reason for growing marijuana?

3- Why do all grown up guys’ laughs sound pretty much the same?

Scoring:

3 – right – a year’s supply of thin carrot slices for your fish tank.

2 – right – a six pack of felt pens for writing on your friend’s soles.

1 – right – one spare sock.

0 – right – a lifetime subscription to “Let’s Get Serious Digest.”

“Seriously…” thank you to quite a few of you who said you’d help me with my new project…”Spend The Night With Dick Summer.” It’s almost seven hours of the most downloaded “Good Night” PodCasts on one MP3 disk. The deal is, I’ll send you a free copy if you’ll promise to fill out a one page survey about what you honestly like or don’t like about it. The offer is still good. Just drop me an Email at - Dick@DickSummer.com   That’s also the Email address to which you can address all your feelings about my leftist leaning liberal comments…or anything else you feel like spouting off about. I look forward to seeing from you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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