The Dick Summer Connection – September 30, 2007

Here’s my report on our Vegas trip: Vegas is a shining example of the fact that guys cannot look at a half naked woman…and think at the same time. That doesn’t mean we’re stupid. It just means that because of that pesky testosterone, we tend to ACT stupid…even highly sophisticated guys such as Bill Clinton and myself.By the way, let me make an important point here…I always talk about Louie-Louie Generation Guys and Girls…I don’t use the term men and women. People have complained about that. Lemme explain: I don’t think of myself as a MAN. I’m a guy…and the song Louie-Louie has been an important part of the sound track of my life. Therefore, I am proud to be a Louie-Louie Generation guy. And I don’t call my Lady Wonder Wench a WOMAN. She’s my GIRLFRIEND. People who always insist on being called Men or Women need to relax. As “Big Louie, His Own Bad Self” always says…”You people have gotta grab a grin.”

We are hurtling down the path to holier than thou-ness. Think… “The Big Don Imus Scandal.” It’s like grown up, dignified, stuffy MEN and WOMEN have this haunting fear that somewhere, someone may actually be LAUGHING !

Look at it this way…it was a group of grown up and totally dignified MEN who got us to the moon. What did they do when they got there? They hit golf balls. Ten zillion dollars for one round of golf. On the other hand, it was probably some guy who just got fired who invented moon-ing. Let me ask you, which is the cheaper, and far more practical, activity in our everyday lives?

I do like the word I saw on the men’s room door at the Houston Airport, though…”Hombre.” That sounds like a guy with a serious Western wardrobe who knows how to mosey his way around the square dance floor with the ladies. Hombre is a good word for a guy.

But the word “woman” always reminds me of my Aunt Eva, who was a good woman in the absolutely worst sense of the word. She would always pick- pick- pick. “Don’t let the dog lick your face.” “Put that BB gun away, you’ll put somebody’s eye out.” “Don’t spit in your soup.” (I wasn’t spitting in my soup. I was just blowing on it to cool it off. But I seriously considered spitting in HER soup.)

And to further confound the Forces For Good In The Community, I have always really liked the word “girl.” Expensive, professional people who know things…psychologists and talk show hosts for example… would probably tell you that it’s an association that I must have made back in kindergarten when…at one wonderful recess…I discovered that people like Jeannie Campbell weren’t just soft boys. They were called GIRLS.

Just this past week in Vegas, I was sitting by the pool and a James Bond-type GIRL wriggled past…with high heels, sunglasses, and her little poodle. She had on a tiny black thong bikini under a transparent black lace blouse…her long blonde hair was swept up and held in place by a fancy comb. It was just like the GIRL from Ipanema…every guy she passed said ahhhhhh. (By the way, if they had called that song the Woman From Ipanema, it wouldn’t have been a hit. Hell, it wouldn’t have even fit the rhythm of the rhyme.) My Lady Wonder Wench was right there, and she didn’t mind that gurgling sound I must have been making…in fact, she giggled…and that is such a lovely sound. And she knows I wouldn’t swap her giggle for any girl’s wriggle.

But the “Vegas Girl” that made the biggest impression on me was Bettina, the Hoover Dam tour bus driver. She’s about five feet tall and probably weighs in at around 99 pounds…and she could sling that big bus around like it was a tricycle. She was a funny, professional, single mom with five kids. I remember she was pointing out a big house belonging to Celine Dion…and Bettina was saying Ms. Dion is starring in one of the shows in town…and I was thinking…girl…if you want to see a real star, tilt your rear view mirror down and take a look at yourself. At the end of the tour, two people stiffed her…didn’t give her a tip…she smiled at them anyway. W.Wench and I double tipped her.

We saw the Celine Dion show. It was weird. Ms. Dion is a modestly talented singer with a somewhat screechy voice, a bit of a French accent…which has obviously made her a huge star with people from Montreal… and a high powered merchandising campaign. Right inside the entrance to the theater was a life size statue of Ms. Dion, and for a significant financial consideration, a photographer would take your picture with the statue…and you could tell the folks back home in Iowa that you and Celine were just hanging out one evening. What happens in Vegas…isn’t what you think happens in Vegas.

But the highlight of the trip for me was a little two-year-old kid by the name of Trey. Trey’s dad and mom are friends of ours who live in L.A. They came out to visit while we were in town. Trey’s real name is Robert. Robert Anthony. But he is the third generation Robert in the family, so everybody calls him Trey. He looks exactly like his dad… right down to the expressions on his face and the way he walks…kind of a strut that leans from one side to the other every time he takes a step. Being two, Trey understands that the entire world was made just so he’d have someplace to explore…and like any healthy two-year-old boy, he sometimes explores pretty fast in some very un-predictable directions. One of the cocktail waitresses caught his eye…as I said, he’s a lot like his dad. Anyway…he peeled off in one of those high speed scoots right in the casino…and I caught him…and hoisted him up on my shoulder…and he did it. He did that two-year-old laugh. A big, loud, combination squeal, wiggle, and giggle. It was just an instant that Trey won’t remember. But I will. It was the highlight of my trip. I liked being a dad…all those Louie-Louie years ago.

Dick’s Details Quiz – All answers are in the current PodCast at

1- What do you apply to somebody else’s arm pits in Vegas?

2- What’s a good word to describe somebody who no longer has a pig snout nose?

3- If the idiots who “run with the bulls” in Spain each year had any guts, what would they do instead?

Scoring :

3 right – You star in the next “Oceans” movie with George Clooney.

2- right – They call you Poker Pappa at Caesar’s.

1- right – “Bingo” at Our Lady of Perpetual Agony’s Thursday game.

0- right – “Slapjack” in a game with Trey.

Thanks to everybody who sent “Las Vegas” bits when I mentioned I was going on this trip. I used some in the PodCast. If you’ve got a comment or suggestion…or a good bit you’d like to send, my e-mail is  .

I’d love to hear from you.

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