The Dick Summer Connection – September 16, 2007

When you have an immature mind in a Louie-Louie Generation body…as would appear to be the case with me, it seems that just when you’re beginning to get your head together, your fanny falls off. The doctors tell us that we’re supposed to get our blood pressure and our heart rate down. And how are we supposed to do that? By exercising regularly, which gets your heart rate and blood pressure up.

What am I missing here ?A few months ago, my doctor felt that one of the things I was missing was a stress test. He said, “It could save your life.” I said, “Okay, you’re the doctor.” So he said, “Here, sign this paper first.” I said, “What does it say?” He said, “Oh…nothing much…really.” That put my Brooklyn upbringing on high alert. When you’re from N.Y.C., you tend to look behind people’s pleasant smiles to see if all their teeth are filed to a point. For example, there is a theory in Brooklyn that doctors are always telling us to get thin, so they can save on X rays, by just holding us up to a strong light. But…I whipped out my reading specs, and I saw that the paper basically said that this potentially life saving stress test could have a rare but significant side effect. It could kill you. And if that happens, by signing that paper I was agreeing to hold everyone in the room harmless. I figured, if I die, what the hell do I care about everybody in the room. And besides I am actually semi-proud of what’s left of this only slightly decaying former life guard body of mine…so I said… “Okay-let’s do it.”

They put you on a treadmill, and every five minutes they speed the thing up and increase the angle to make it harder. Pretty soon I started sweating, but I was doing okay. I said “What’s the record for this?” The doctor said, 27 minutes for this one. I was up to around 17 minutes by that time, so I put my head down and started trucking… and…they STOPPED THE MACHINE! I said, “What are you doing?” He said, “That’s all we need to see.” I said, “THAT’S NOT ALL I NEED TO SEE. I was a Coney Island ocean life guard. I had a six and a half pack of abs in those days. In fact, just the other night after my shower, I distinctly saw an ab peek through the Twinkie section right behind my navel. It was there for a good five seconds before it ducked back in. And I WANT TO SET A NEW RECORD HERE !”

He gave one of those wise Doctor chuckles…and then he said it… those words every Louie-Louie Generation guy dreads. He said… “You’re in great shape…for a man your age”…and he looked at me sadly…this fifteen year old doctor who probably recently had his braces removed…but whose zits hadn’t yet entirely healed…and I realized that he couldn’t tell the difference between me and one of those guys who grow a tuft of hair behind one ear till it’s several feet long, wraps it around his head like a turban, and hair sprays it into something like a football helmet.

But I am not one of those guys. I have plenty of hair…except for a little place on the back of my head that my Lady Wonder Wench calls my “adorable bald spot.” I didn’t even see it until that terrorist barber held a mirror up to show me his work a few years ago. To me, it just looks like the solar panel for a heavy duty love machine. Lots of guys who have plenty of juice left have adorable little bald spots in the same place. Arnold Schwartzenegger has one. So does Bill Clinton. Rabbis and bishops all have one, but they wear those little caps over them. But they’re there. Nothing wrong with a little bald spot. Bald and silver are the new blonde.

And while we’re at it, there’s no reason for a Louie-Louie Generation guy or girl to go nuts with that treadmill stuff either. As long as that little dimple on your knee isn’t your belly button, you’re all right. Relax. Kick your shoes off…who cares if you’re not wearing socks. At our age, we don’t have to wear socks if we don’t feel like it…loosen your belt (if you can still find it) because that’s what Louie-Louie Generation ladies like…a confident, relaxed guy…maybe with a little money. You don’t need to look like George Clooney…although my Lady Wonder Wench says that would be nice. But SMART women understand that us Louie-Louie Generation guys know more about loving than all those Hollywood hunks. Of course, the most important thing we know is that we don’t really know very much.

Dick’s Details Quiz – All the answers are in the current podcast at

1- What service do the three people annually who die from testing a battery with their tongues do for their country?

2- Why do coconuts give sharks an inferiority complex in Florida?

3- What does Big Louie, his own bad self, say is as powerful as God?


3 – right – Good blood pressure and good heart rate.

2 – right – High blood pressure and high heart rate.

1 – right – THAR SHE BLOWS !

0 – right – Zero blood pressure and zero heart rate.

We have enough copies of the new “Spend The Night With Dick Summer” mp3 PodCast disc out now to do a reasonably good beta test. I’ll post the comments when they come in.

Any comments…drop me an E-mail -  







Comments are closed.