The Dick Summer Connection – June 1, 2008

GOOF OFF ALERT! If you pop in here for a visit during the next couple of months, and you don’t see something brand new…don’t get upset. We’re not going away. My Lady Wonder Wench has been muttering …while putting the steak knives away…something about she WANTS TO TAKE A VACATION! Several cases of The Lorena Bobbitt Syndrome have been reported in the area…so I’m doing what I can to keep her calm and distracted…which is why I may miss a new posting or two over the summer. BUT EVEN IF I DO…WE WILL BE BACK.You never get used to going to the dentist…and just thinking about it is like seeing the first scratch on your new car, or seeing a police car in your rear view mirror even when you know you’re not speeding, or waking up two minutes before your alarm clock is supposed to go off…and you’re hoping it won’t.

Some things an experienced Louie-Louie Generation guy should be able to do…things like spotting a B.S. artist…check for his shifty eyes and stuff… or jump starting a car without blowing anything up, or building a good fire in a fireplace…but sometimes even worldly, tough, tattooed, sophisticated Louie-Louie guys can’t seem to avoid blubbering internally when we have to go to the dentist.

Dr. Drillgrinder, my dentist, will proudly tell you he uses all the latest tools and techniques. Today, he pounded the head of one tool that’s about the size of a golf club between my back teeth, slapped a lead blanket over me, pointed a nuclear death ray machine at my head…and says, “Tell me if it hurts.” Then he gave me that little professional chuckle…and ran into his little lead lined closet down the hall where he has hidden his receptionist, Ms. Thongwearer… a couple of cold beers… and a remote control zap button. He slammed

the door shut…and the machine made a noise that sounds like the kind of beep a satellite makes to alert the guys in Houston that it’s dropping out of orbit and heading directly for New York City.

A few minutes later, he came back into the room with some pictures that look vaguely like some old black and white out-of-focus stag films…and he said…”This doesn’t look good. This doesn’t look good at all. We’ll have to dig out all those fillings, yank out the pins in your root canals, and scrape that nasty looking green stuff off your molar nerves. Be sure to tell me if it hurts.”

Even Big Louie…his own bad self, has a problem going to the dentist… and NOBODY is as tough as Big Louie. When he was a little kid, Louie grew up in a neighborhood so tough the squirrels all wore little ski masks. The ice cream man came around in an armored truck. His parish church choir was into punk rock. But we follow Louie’s advice because he has class. All his tatoos are spelled correctly…he wears contact sun glasses…he goes to the kind of restaurant where the alphabet soup is in old English script…and he gives great advice. He says, “Hey…if you don’t want to sweat dentists but your teeth are getting yellow? Wear a brown shirt.”

So, why do we go to dentists…really. Oral hygiene may be a truthful answer, but it’s not necessarily an honest answer. Don’t forget Big Louie’s definition of honesty…T + M = H. (Truth plus Maybe equals Honesty.) Oral hygiene may be the truth part, but there’s a whole lot of maybe involved. If oral hygiene were the whole answer, why is there a picture on the wall of Dr. Drillgrinder’s office of a drop dead gorgeous girl with a smile that looks a little like a piano keyboard in heat. I think we are dealing here with a certain level of lovely lust.

Louie-Louie Generation guys were brought up at a time when we pretended we really didn’t care how we looked. It was not manly to preen. So we sneaked preens. Some ladies claim they actually like to rub their fingers over a bald guy’s scalp, but the same principle doesn’t hold true with gums. Ladies like a smile with teeth in it. So those of us who like ladies…put up with dentists.

Louie-Louie Generation guys do a lot of things to interest ladies. That’s part of our charm, our sophistication, our magnetic personalities. We pay attention to women’s interests and desires… which is one of the main reasons we are the bed mates of choice for porn stars, beauty queens, and gorgeous women of all ages.

And one of women’s biggest interests is talking. Talking is not something most guys are good at. It’s hard for us. But Louie-Louie Generation guys have an advantage over the pimple people. We’ve seen more, which means we have more stories to tell. Ladies like stories. “Once upon a time there was a princess…who was almost as beautiful as you…and she kissed a frog at midnight…and it turned into a prince…who had a fancy car…and brought her hundreds of shoes.”

Actually, ladies like romance novels. Like Love’s Forbidden Flame… “There’s no safety for a woman like Layne, not when a strong, reckless, savage man aroused in her a passion that made her body his plaything…not when desire and dread, and searing shame come together in a shattering climax of conflict and vengeance.”

Words…and stories… can get a woman thinking about black lace and French perfume, and I like that. But even Louie-Louie Generation guys sometimes forget the power of language…or it gets to be too much of an effort to slip some gentle words into their lady’s eager ear. What a waste. Some pimple people guys grab one story that works for them, and they just keep repeating it till their lady get’s bored.

My lady Wonder Wench dated one of those one-line guys before she met me. He said, “What’s your sign?” once too often…and she held up her middle finger. Pimple people guys figure it’s easier to find another girl than to make up another story. Which is one of the reasons that smart Louie- Louie guys…with lots of stories…raise a lot of ladies’ interest… and eyebrows …and temperatures.

Dick’s Details Quiz…All answers are available on the current PodCast at

1- What did the Pentagon do with $50,000 worth of Viagra?

2- What do 57% of women like better than sex?

3- What do sly, fun loving Americans do on New Year’s Eve?


3- Right – Dentist.

2- Right – Dracula.

1- Right – Bag Pipe Player.

0- Right – Guy who scrapes chalk across the board so it squeaks.

Getting some guys to talk is like pulling teeth. They’re good at things like spotting a B.S. artist, or jump starting a car, or building a good fire in a fireplace…but they can’t or won’t…just talk to a woman. And I’ve got to admit…sometimes it works out anyway. Big Louie…his own bad self, has an explanation for that. He says…”Some guys only get a smart women because opposites attract.”

By the way, my Lady Wonder Wench wrote the book I was talking about…Love’s Forbidden Flame. That’s the truth. She really likes stories. So I make up the kind that make her giggle, and smile, and cry. I especially like the giggles.

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