The Dick Summer Connection – January 25, 2009

Regardless of what my Lady Wonder Wench may have told you I frequently think of things that have nothing to do with sex. Frequently. And to prove it to you, I took some notes this week about some of the other things I like. I even gave this list a name. Over the objections of many of the “Forces For Good In The Community” who feel that the title itself is suggestive…I’m calling it Dickie’s – Quickies.

Look, my name is Dick, because my fathers name was Dick. And I’m convinced that my parents never even heard of sex. Well…certainly my mother never did. Nobody’s mom in my neighborhood ever had anything to do with sex. Anyway, “Dickie’s Quickies” are just little quick things that I like which have nothing to do with sex. 

But first, let’s be clear about how I feel about sex. I feel great about it. When somebody asked Woody Allen if he thought sex was dirty, he said, “Only when it’s done right.” I agree. Let’s also be clear about putting reasonable restraint on sexual urges…or “oiges” as we used to call them in the Holy City of Brooklyn. As he so often does, Big Louie…His Own Bad Self…the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation put things into a perfect perspective when he said, “Never have sex before the first date.”

Many scientists with big research grants now claim…with a straight face … that the most important reason men want to have sex with beautiful women is so that we can pass our genes down to the next generation. THAT’S REALLY STUPID. I think either none of those scientists have ever had sex with a beautiful woman…or they have…and it was necessary for them to come up with a really quick explanation to their wives of why they were spending so many nights working late at the office with an intern by the name of Deserie.

That’s not even material for a good pick up line. Just imagine what would happen at your neighborhood singles bar if you went over to a beautiful woman and said “Hello my dear…I’d like to pass my genes down to the next generation with you.” I think most guys who’ve had sex with a beautiful woman very shortly afterward pray to God or whomever is running things that they did NOT pass their Genes or anything else down to the next generation. Even guys who are religious to the point of Human Sacrifice will understand my point on this. And I think many beautiful women would agree.

Speaking of thinking about cold, hard, scientific facts instead of thinking about sex, there’s a new poll out that claims most romantic relationships now come about through dating sites on the internet. It used to be that the office was the number one home of hormones. That always made sense to me, because at the office everybody wears nice clothes, and discusses important things like the yearly sales forecast, whether or not the Mets will ever be in the World Series again, and what’s with the bosses new secretary. That’s so different from the home environment where people tend to wear underwear with jelly stains on them, fart a lot, and get into big arguments about who put the ice tray back in the freezer with no water in it.

Dick’s Details Quiz…all answers are in the current podcast at :

1-      What kind of intimate DVD might come out of the White House soon, and why?

2-      Who called Lyndon Johnson “Baby” and how come ?

3-      What was Thomas Jefferson’s proudest comment about being caught in bed ?

Speaking about not thinking about sex, there’s a story in the new Night Connections 2 Personal Audio CD about a piano player, and a lady who was thinking about nothing else.  It’s in the current podcast at If you like it, you can just keep the podcast, or you can download a fresh copy right here on the web page. Just click on the Night Connections 2 icon. Any comments you’d like to make about the album…good or bad… would be very much appreciated. My E-mail is

Oh yeah…proving that I like things that have nothing to do with sex, here’s a list of this week’s Dickie’s Quickies:

Walking on wide, polished pine floor boards that don’t squeak. It was in an old restaurant. Watching a guy spin pizza dough over his head. What a juggler. An old Chuck Berry album turned up to stun. “Sweet Little 16.” A bunch of Jonquils on the kitchen table…spring in January. A pretty lady wearing sheer sleeves and a perfume called Paris… in candlelight. The days started getting longer this week. A very fluffy towel, still warm from the clothes drier after a shower. A friendly diner, where the owner comes over and sits down to tell you about his kids. Hitting the itchy spot on my back with the Summer Maneuver…that’s when you put both your thumbs on your spine, and you run your fingers up over your hips. Tear stains on a pilot. God, I’m glad that night is over. An ice cream sandwich with small chocolate chips around the insides. Eating breakfast in my bathrobe. Watching a full moon rise over the snowy pine tree out in my front yard. Lara’s Theme from Dr. Zhavago playing on a music box. Watching a woman who really knows her way around the kitchen. Family stories by a fireplace. A jacket that fits just right. It’s a brown leather nifty that goes with my Indiana Jones fedora. Milk and oreos…and looking at your teeth in the mirror after. Applesauce with cinnamon and real whipped cream.  A size 44 triple D coffee mug full of fresh dark brew. The sound Mike Piazza’s bat makes hitting a home run on the MLB cable channel. Remembering the rumble of a low pedal note on the big old pipe organ my dad used to play in church. A new president…smiling and confident. The flat wooden spoons that come with an ice cream cup. Making a perfect ball of ice cream with one of those scoopers with a handle on the side. A dog leaning comfortably against your leg. And a pair of shining blue eyes…the color the June sky tries to imitate watching me and laughing.

She just showed up…My Lady Wonder Wench…and she’s wearing something very comfortable. Time to start thinking about my favorite topic again.


One Response to “The Dick Summer Connection – January 25, 2009”

  1. Pastor Mike says:

    funny how kids don’t think us Louie- Louie’s aren’t into “doing it.” many’s the teen who comes across his parents in a compromising position – and is stunned. They had no idea their parents were sexually active!