Testosterone Terror

“CXY” is a brand new, and very important understanding about life. It’s a soft “C” by the way…which means it sounds like an “S.” (Soft) “C”-“X” “Y”. I’ll tell you what I mean in a minute. Maybe you can figure it out for yourself if you say it out loud. (Soft…like an S) “C” “X” “Y”.

I try hard to understand life. I was sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair watching TV, and a totally confusing commercial popped up. I am easily confused by some commercials, although I do commercials for a living. One commercial that confuses me is the one that’s supposed to help some guy by the name of Ed. That’s his name. ED. He has a girl friend by the name of Alice. In this commercial, Ed goes to see Alice, hoping for an evening of romance, but Ed has some kind of problem, and so Ed and Alice spend the rest of the evening in separate bath tubs. As I will explain, his problem has to do with his soft “C” (sounds like an S) “X” & “Y”. 

But the commercial that’s bothering me right now is one in which some guy who’s life is crumbling around him gets a prescription for testosterone, which he smears under his arms. Now testosterone is something that I discussed in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. On page 69 it says, and I quote, “Many people of all generations who are not guys will sometimes call those of us who are Louie Louie Generation guys “Maturity Challenged.” And they’re right. But it’s not our fault. The “Big Louie Institute for Fooling Around and Figuring Most Things Out” released a report recently that explains the whole thing. The report notes that a guy’s brain is swimming in a sea of testosterone, which gives him a deep voice, a beard, and a hand just the right size for using a TV remote. The testosterone in which his brain swims also absorbs some of the shocks of life that sometimes hit him right in the head. Like a baseball, an unexpected blast of Yanni’s music, or high levels of verbal communication. Now please remember, testosterone is a preservative. And what does a preservative do? It keeps meat and stuff from growing old and gnarly. And, of course, growing is another word for maturing. So naturally, a brain swimming in testosterone simply cannot grow and mature. It’s not our fault. We’re only guys. We do the best we can with what we have to work with” end quote. By the way, there are explanations for many of life’s conundrums in the book, so I highly recommend that you pick up a copy at Amazon dot com. 

Back to this testosterone commercial that’s bothering me. Hey, why is the guy is smearing testosterone under his arms. How stupid can this guy be? That’s not where testosterone goes…under your arms. (Big Louie says I’ve got to stop saying how stupid can people be, because lots of those people seem to be taking that as a challenge.) 

Then this commercial goes on to say that you need a doctor’s prescription to get testosterone. Testosterone therefore, is a controlled substance. Like heroin. Obviously, every guy has testosterone. So does that mean if a guy doesn’t carry a doctor’s prescription around he’s in big trouble ?  A guy gets pulled over for a traffic violation and the cop says, I need to see your license, registration and doctor’s note ? My doctor is so young, he still gets pimples. I could have been his baby sitter. I have to get a note from him to say anything in my baritone voice, grow a beard or play with my channel changer ? It’s not a guy’s fault that he has testosterone. I think nature put it there so we don’t get headaches at personally critical romantic times. Women don’t have it, which must be why they often get headaches. Especially at personally critical romantic times.  

Big Louie, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie Louie Generation has been researching this testosterone problem in great detail, and he has come up with a startling new understanding. Guys must have a “C” along with our “X” & “Y” chromosomes. (Soft “C”.) Here are the results of Big Louie’s startling research. As you know, women have two “X” chromosomes, and men have an “X” and a “Y” chromosome. That “Y” chromosome is how we cook up that pesky testosterone that causes us so much trouble. Big Louie has looked past the simple chemistry involved, and has taken into consideration certain social understandings. For example, like many Louie Louie Ladies, my Lady Wonder Wench has often said, “The biggest difference between men and boys is the size of their toys.” “Ah Ha!” said Big Louie. “Toys…Children. That’s the common denominator here. Toys are for children. There must be some previously un-discovered ‘Child’ chromosome in a man’s make up.” And now things are beginning to make sense. If Big Louie is right…and I think he is…women have the double “X” chromosome, and men have the “X” and “Y” chromosome, PLUS this previously un-discovered “Child” chromosome. That would be a “C” for “child” chromosome. And if you remember that children are soft and cuddly, it will be obvious that it must be a soft “C.” (Like an S) Say it out loud and I think you’ll understand.

This explains just about everything men do, including the fact that we cannot look a beautiful woman in the eye for very long until our eyes…wander. It’s the “C” chromosome. The Child in us. I have a deep personal understanding and thorough respect for the child in me. I was breast fed as a child. That’s where I had my first taste of rejection. I was born in February. It was cold. Do you know how hard it is to breast feed through a wool sweater ? 

It’s that “C” for Child chromosome that explains why guys do the things we do. Guys aren’t just the result of an X and a Y, we also have that newly discovered “C”. And it must be a soft “C”, because children are soft and cuddly. Therefore women have two X chromosomes, and guys have a soft “C” plus the previously known “X” and “Y” chromosomes. Think of what that explains ! CXY with a soft “C”. Just say it out loud. Soft “C” “X” “Y”. SEXY. Constant sexiness is part of the burden nature placed on our shoulders…and other parts. It’s always on our minds because it’s literally in our genes. We have to deal with it. That poor guy Ed who went to see Alice probably had a soft “C” and that must have had something to do with why Alice wasn’t interested in sitting in the same bath tub with him !  And you women wonder why guys have the problems we do. You women would have problems too if you had a soft “C” “X” “Y”…a ”sexy”… built into the very fabric of your being. How can we be blamed for following behavioral patterns that were forced on us by our very chromosomes ? 

Dick’s Details Quiz. (All answers are in the current podcast.

1- Why do we say George Washington left big shoes to fill ?

2- How does Canada’s legislature protect against the agony of de-feet?”

3- Why should we move Congress to Waterbury Vermont ? 

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind. 

I try hard to understand life. Big Louie might or might not be right about our sexy chromosomes and testosterone, But some things about testosterone are easy to understand. It’s what makes guys want to play with the tv channel changer, and fly an airplane, and sometimes it makes us go on the prowl. Especially when a love affair goes bad. The only time worse than the end of a love affair is the time just before it. Because it’s no good to go swimming, or to a show, or climb a mountain, or…just live your life…alone. 

“On The Prowl” is one of the stories in the lovin touch Personal Audio CD. It’s in the current podcast. If you like it, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just and check out the lovin touch icon on the home page. 

Looking back at it, I hope Ed works things out with Alice. And that other guy figures out where he’s supposed to smear his testosterone. And most of all, I hope you understand Big Louie’s explanation for why guys must have that new soft “C” chromosome, and how when you put it together with men’s previously known “X &Y” chromosomes, soft C (like an S)-X & Y spells sexy. Because what little I know about life is that it works one tear, one splinter, one meal, one love, and especially one laugh at a time. And I’ve found that trying to solve all the problems in your life without that one laugh can be like trying to carry too many eggs at one time.


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