You’ve heard that “Time flies when you’re having fun?” Well time also flies when you drop your clock. I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather Pappa chair, with time on my hands. Sort of. Actually…I have pieces of my living room clock…which I dropped…in my hands. It looks like the clock is dead…it’s just a bunch of little pieces on the floor. I was trying to set it to pick up the signal from some Godforsaken transmitter in the mountains of Colorado…which the government uses to keep clocks like this accurate. I don’t know much about Colorado, except that the time coordination transmitter is there, and expensive people go to Aspen to mate.
My Lady Wonder Wench and I went to Colorado once so she could buy a horse. I was never clear as to why when we live in Pennsylvania, she had to go to Colorado to buy a horse. Have you any idea how many Pennsylvania horses must have looked up at our plane and felt rejected. Guy horses must have a very high rejection rate when you think about it…because they’re almost always gelded…which eliminates them from most of your sexier filly’s top ten horsing around lists.
As a Louie-Louie Generation guy, I don’t like the sound of the word gelded. (To learn about Louie Louie guys, go to www.dicksummer.com ) Vasectomy is a much more manly term than gelding. I think the word vasectomy was probably invented by a Louie Louie Generation guy who was jogging home one day after having one. And here’s why I say that. Let’s take a look at the word vasectomy. Vasectomy starts with the letter v. In order to say the letter v, you have to bite your lower lip with your upper teeth…which effectively keeps you at least for a moment from whimpering. The rest of the word…hey think about it… a “sect” is a group of whackos who perform weird rituals…and “omy” is the kind of quietly dignified statement Louie-Louie Generation guys might well say when in great pain. So the word is made up of a V to keep your mouth shut, a sect because it’s a weird ritual, and a gentlemanly comment…omy. Put em all together and they spell vasectomy. And as I understand it, it’s a delicate operation. One slip could change a raging male animal into a very quiet pet.
I know I shouldn’t put you through explanations like that. But I am always so tempted. And for a Louie-Louie Generation guy, a missed opportunity to give in to a temptation may never come again. Louie-Louie Generation lads and ladies have been around for a while, but we don’t consider ourselves old. We call ourselves “brilliantly retro.” We have actual flesh and blood friends…as opposed to “Facebook” friends. And we can trust them. For example, I don’t worry about my buddy Al running off with my Lady Wonder Wench. Partly because I trust them both. And partly because she’s not his type. She’s not inflatable.
My Buddy Bob, claims that in his misspent youth he starred in a number of police chase videos. But he is now retired from a highly responsible job as an executive vice president, and now spends his time working on a tell all business book. Bob has a Louie-Louie level sense of humor. The working title of his book is, “Better Management Through Finger Pointing.”
Bob is an interesting guy who hit me with an interesting question the other day. He said “How come a dog gets mad at you if you blow in his face, but take him for a car ride and he sticks his head out the window.” A heck of a question. He’s really proud of his dog. He claims he’s a really good watch dog. But I think my dog can lick his dog any day.
Dick’s Details, a bunch of totally un-important facts that you can push into one ear, so you can squeeze the important facts that are keeping you awake at night out the other ear, and you can nod off comfortably to sleep.
Pigs have orgasms that last for thirty minutes. But my Lady Wonder Wench claims that’s not true for the male chauvinist kind. The nature guys say that bats have thumbs. That makes me wonder if the smarter ones might start hitchhiking on their migrations. The forces for good in the community tell us that 82% of Americans believe in the after life. Big Louie, his own bad self, says Louie-Louie Generation people shouldn’t wait till the after life. He says “If you can’t enjoy yourself now, enjoy somebody else before it’s too late.”
Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
There’s a story in the Bedtime Stories personal audio cd and in the current podcast (www.dicksummer.com/podcast) about a guy who has just figured out that he missed the time of his life. He just realized it. It happened so fast. The story is called, On the Prowl.
When you’re on the prowl you learn things. Like…how empty a crowded city can be…how quiet your phone can get…how your hands keep holding on to so many memories that you’re trying to get out of your head. On The Prowl is from the Bedtime Stories personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the (www.dicksummer.com/podcast) podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Bedtime Stories icon on the home page.
Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation always says, “Lions roar, monkeys gibber, and people preach.” Louie’s no preacher. But he’s always asking people things like…”What would you really do if you were absolutely certain you wouldn’t fail.” He figures if you come up with a good answer to that question, maybe you ought to seriously consider giving it a shot. Because time flies when you’re having fun. But you just never know when your clock is going to fall off the wall…and break into little pieces…that you’ll never be able to put back together again.