Sir Richard And The Lance Of Doom

I was sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room last night, watching a stink bug crawling up on the wall toward the ceiling. I knew that if I mentioned this to my Lady Wonder Wench, who was sitting in her usual spot on the couch…right under the bug…she would run right out of her socks into the kitchen, and she’d trip and hurt herself. I didn’t want that to happen. On the other hand, I was a bit concerned that if I didn’t tell her about it, the bug might fall down from the ceiling, and land in her lap. In which case she would skip the running part, pull a Star Trek move…and just kind of beam herself into some parallel universe, leaving only her t shirt, skirt, socks, and hair behind on the couch, as sad reminders of the wonderful, sexy, happy life we had when she lived here in this universe with me.

 Fortunately, something she was cooking started making a strange hissing sound, so she got up normally, and gracefully walked into the kitchen to quiet it down, giving me the opportunity to climb up on the couch pillows…a delicate balancing act…try it if you don’t think so. You find yourself trying to hang on to the wall. And that doesn’t really work. But I knew I had to climb up on the back of the couch to reach the bug. For some reason it seemed like a good idea to grab a picture frame with my left hand, to help me  pull my other foot up so I could stand on the back of the couch with a yardstick in my hand so I could give the bug a deadly thwap. I swung, and missed, the picture frame broke, I lost my balance, and fell down on her new end table, breaking a leg. The table’s not mine. As my Lady’s knight in shining armor, it was to say the least a smudge on my escutcheon.

 For those of you who may never have seen an actual escutcheon, it’s a knight’s shield…where he puts his coat of arms…as opposed to his tin coat which is where he puts his real arms…so they won’t get cut. Those knights had lots of arms. Because they were all once adolescent boys.

 As you know, when girls become adolescent, they develop breasts. And according to many ladies who have been through the process, when boys become adolescent, they see those new developments. And through the simple process of evolution, and heavily humming hormones, those boys quickly develop extra hands. A lot of extra hands. And  of course they then need a lot of extra arms on which to hang those hands. That’s why when the military was made up of only guys, we began calling them an “Army.” 

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-    How might we be able to stop people from stealing ?

2-    Why do we have to admire Greek hangovers ?

3-    What do exotic dancers have to do to shake off 144 calories?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 Stink bugs are smart. I think they send out scouts to see how tall you are. That way, when they report back, the rest of the  Bug Brigade knows exactly how high they can sit on our walls sothat they are just out of the reach of those of us who want to be our Ladies knights in shining armor, thereby luring us into climbing on the backs of our couches, trying to hang on to the wall, falling off, damaging both our escutcheons, and our furniture. I swear, I heard that damn little bug giggle when I hit the floor.

 But us knights don’t just lie on our fannies on the floor when we’re insulted like that. No sir. We usually scramble to our feet, hit our heads on a lamp, knock over a cup of coffee that was sitting on our laptop computers, and proclaim some very naughty words that our neighbors down the block probably haven’t heard since they were in the fifth grade…and going through adolescence.

 Of course, when all else fails, sometimes…one of us knights actually allows a thought to get through the helmet on all that shining armor. I was standing there looking at the bug…laughing it’s little stinker off…just out of my reach…when I saw a broomstick, just minding its own business, standing in the corner…with some duct tape wrapped around the bottom. I was going to use it in a stick ball game. But… “Sir Richard” I sayeth unto myself…”That looks like a knight in shining armor’s lance.” And so it did. And so it was, that I took some more duct tape, wrapped it sticky side out at the top of the lance…and invented…the Lance Of Doom. Mr. Bug didn’t understand. And with one carefully aimed flick of the wrist, Sir Richard…took his revenge. Revenge can be very sweet. 

There’s a story called “Revenge” in the Night Connections 3 personal audio cd, and in the current podcast. It’s about the kind of revenge only a woman can take. Women are better than men at taking revenge. And the woman in this story was…exquisite. Which says a lot about her. She was smart, hurt, beautiful, and strong. Very strong. But it also says something about the guy involved. She knew he’d care… if she were carrying his child…forthe rest of his life. Some guys wouldn’t.

 “Revenge” is from the Night Connections 3 personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections 3 icon on the home page.

 Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie- Louie Generation always reminds us Louie-Louie Generation guys that there are lots of ways besides killing bugs, and opening jars to be your lady’s knight in shining armor. He says, touch her hair when you pass her chair. Kiss her on the forehead. Listen to her. Keep her secrets. Take her out to dinner. Call her. Make sure your friends know how proud you are that she’s your girl. Tell her she’s beautiful. Make her feel safe with you. Dance with her…even if you’re not a good dancer. Sing to her…even if you sing off key. Kiss her in the rain. Hold her hand. Write her quick love notes. Be her escape. Remember her birthday, and the day you first met…and her favorite color. Touch her cheek…then brush her eyebrows with your lips. Tell her she’s your star. If she must cry, make sure you always have room for her in your arms. Bring her flowers. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Give her a piggy back ride. Look into her eyes for a full minute…and then slowly…smile. If you love her…tell her. Tell her how wonderful it is that she shares such a sexy, happy life with you. Tell her how glad you are that she lives here in this universe with you…at this moment in time…and she will…for every moment in time…forever.

 I bet if you do that, she’ll give you her T shirt to tie on your helmet, the next time you have to go into one of life’s real battles. I also bet that the shirt will still be warm. And so will you.

One Response to “Sir Richard And The Lance Of Doom”

  1. Bill Thrasher says:

    I admit that I am a practical joker. This great big hairy fake spider came into my possesion and I placed it on the wall right in the path that my Bride takes when coming home. I then got down on all fours behind a door right next to the spider’s spot. As soon as the Bride saw the spider, I reached out and grabbed her ankle. I have this new appreciation for the warping into the parallel universe thing now. I now find that when she is there, it makes physical contact impossible. A lesson learned, even this late in life.