Now And Then

Now and then I start thinking about then…while I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly black leather poppa chair. Things are not as easy as they were then…when I was wearing my Coney Island lifeguard body. It was a wonderful time. I was at the height of my young manly hunk hood. I considered it to be my civic duty to walk the entire beach at least three times a day, so the girls could admire my magnificent bod, rock hard abs, bulging biceps, tight bun stuffed into my tiny speedo, as I was flexing and perspiring in the sun. When I noticed a girl was watching, I smiled confidently, and wiggled my ears at her. That made her smile. A smile is a wonderful thing. In those days it sometimes led to under the boardwalk demonstrations of mouth to mouth resuscitation. That was then. This is now.

Now, there are no more flexing and sweating rock hard abs, bulging biceps and tight buns. They’re all behind me now…so to speak. In fact, my Lady Wonder Wench stole my Speedo, and threw it out. She claimed it had something to do with saving the environment. These days, just clipping my toe nails is a problem. It used to be a simple job. There were times in the old days, when a clipper wasn’t handy, I’d just pull a foot up, and bite the nail down to the proper size with my teeth. If I tried that today, I would never stand up again. Today, I have three different kinds of clippers. And I need them all. Each toe clipping is a three breath affair, and the thumb toe is good for at least 5…because you have to bend over all the way…like in half. I’ll bet I’m not the only Louie Louie Generation guy who has this same problem. Clipping toe nails is so tough for a Louie-Louie generation guy that I wouldn’t be surprised if priests started assigning it for your more enjoyable sins. I can hear it now: “You did WHAT ? How often ?? Ok. Say three rosaries, and clip your toe nails…and send the clippings to me at the rectory because I want to be sure you do your thumb toes too…that will teach you to have so much fun.”

I don’t know how much of a problem toe clipping presents to Louie Louie ladies. When my Lady Wonder Wench performs her morning rituals, I am not allowed to look. And that includes whatever she does with her toes. I am not even allowed to watch what she calls her floor exercises. I keep telling her, I’d be glad to help her if she likes. She simply rolls her eyes, and locks the bathroom door. But she really knocked me down the other day when she said, “Maybe I should get a face lift.” I think I said something really intelligent, like “Huh?” My Lady Wonder Wench has the kind of face that doesn’t need to be lifted or otherwise messed with. It’s fine, just the way it is.

Why don’t you Louie Louie Ladies realize how lovely you are? You don’t. You don’t seem to realize that you don’t have to look young to look lovely. When you look fiercely female, pretty and proud, happy, healthy and hot, you create testosterone tsunamis. I think you look pretty much the way you imagine yourself. That’s why it’s important for us Louie Louie Lads to remind you of how lovely you look. A guy I know calls his wife “The old bag.” And that’s how she sees herself. And that’s frankly how she looks. I call my Lady Wonder Wench “My Girlfriend.” And most of the time she looks like she’s ready for me to take her dancing.

 Lots of Louie Louie Ladies have bought into the idea that you’ve got to look young to look lovely. That’s a sales job. Guys who are trying to sell you stuff to smear all over your face are selling you that idea. And I guess that’s why so many Louie-Louie Ladies are having face lifts these days. Some people say that looks dumb. And sometimes it does. But if it makes you feel better hey, I say go for it. Just don’t overdo it…like Joan Rivers. She is a talented and kind person, but she looks like if she sneezed, her ears would fall off. Our neighbor Bernadette told my Lady Wonder Wench that she was considering having a face lift, but now she’s decided she’s not going to do it. She’s decided to just use bee pollen on her skin to make her look young. I figure that’s good. At least if she sneezes she’ll pollinate a couple of flowers.

Really…you don’t have to look young to look lovely, ladies. I’ve had some blow back on that point from ladies. To those ladies, I dedicate this little poem:  

                           I don’t mean to be rude


                           Being sexy is an attitude.


And remember, Big Louie, the Chief Mustard Cutter of our Louie Louie Generation always says, “If you do wake up in the morning feeling like you’re over the hill, make up your mind to pedal like mad all day long so you can get up enough speed to make it over the next hill.” Maybe I shouldn’t use the term “wake…up” when I’m talking about those of us who have been around for quite a while. One of Woody Allen’s best bits has to do with what you hear at a wake so often…”He looks so life like.” Woody says that’s not what he wants to hear at his wake. He says what he wants to hear is…”Look…he just moved.” Which of course reminds me of Big Louie’s most famous reminder which is…”If you have any moving parts left, for cryin’ out loud move ‘em”

DICK’S DETAILS Quiz – All answers are in the current podcast.

1-  What secret must we keep from Oklahoma ?

2-  What new test must naughty show dogs take ?

3-  What source of accidents are caused by sexy British ladies ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

One reason Louie Louie lads don’t always keep our toe nails trimmed is that it’s a really hard workout. Another reason is that unlike the ability wiggle your ears, nicely trimmed toe nails don’t get smiles from ladies. You cannot pick up ladies with your toes. I have however, found that wiggling your ears can often be the cure for a problem known to medical professionals and radio talk show hosts as “a cold shoulder.” Of course there are other ways of warming up shoulders…and lots of the rest of a lady too. One of the best ways is with aural sex. Aural. Words. That takes some effort, and some guys aren’t willing to make that effort. Remember what Billy Joel said about clever conversation …he said ”I don’t want to work that hard.” There’s a story in the Bedtime Stories personal audio cd about what happened to a guy who also felt it wasn’t worth the effort. A pilot made a smooth approach and a successful landing with his woman.

The pilot noticed the way she was dressed…the way her eyes changed color when she smiled. He even noticed the sound of her breath. He noticed… her. And he told her about herself…the things he noticed about her…how he felt about the things he noticed about her…and he told her in a warm and comfortable voice. It was aural sex. AURAL…words. It took her by surprise. And it was such a powerful surprise that rather quickly he took…her.

I use his opening line on my Lady Wonder Wench lots of times when we’re at a restaurant. “It’s kind of crowded in here, do you mind if I share your table.” It always makes her smile, because she knows this bedtime story. When she smiles at me it makes me feel like I’m some kind of a magic genie pouring out of a bottle. “Poof. I’m here my dear. Now what are your other two wishes.” That gets almost as nice a smile as wiggling my ears.

Mr. Small Talk is from the Bedtime Stories Personal Audio cd. If you like it you can just keep the current podcast, or if you want a fresh copy, just check out the Bedtime Stories icon on the home page.

I think toe clipping must be a fairly recent development. It probably happened shortly after the development of the fork. Long toe nails would have been a good thing in those days before forks. If a nice piece of meat were sitting there in the middle of the cave, but it was too far to reach if with your hand, you’d have just shot your foot out there, and spear it with your big toenail. All the guys would laugh, and they’d start calling you “Ol’ greasy toes.” But the girls probably would have just rolled their eyes, and ignored the toes and the guys to whom the toes were attached. They probably would have said “Go away, and come back when you’ve evolved a little more.” Soon, the birth rate would have been in freefall.

I like to think that’s when my great, great, very great grand father “Sexy Senior Summer” let’s call him might have stepped in to save the day. Ol’ Great great grandpa “Sexy” knew he had to get the girl’s attention and make them smile if he was going to save the human race. So he invented wiggling his ears. That got the girl’s attention and made them smile. It worked. He probably saved the human race. And Good ol’ “Sexy Senior Summer ‘s” family tree grew that ability all the way down till it got to me. I can not only wiggle my ears, I can wiggle one ear at a time. I am the Arnold Swartzenegger of ear wiggling. Wanna See ? There. Made you smile I bet…if you’re a girl.

Smiles are a wonderful thing. They still lead to an occasional demonstration of mouth to mouth resuscitation techniques with my Lady Wonder Wench…which makes me remember how I felt when I had that magnificent bod…big biceps…rock hard abs…tight backside stuffed into that wonderful old Speedo.

And for just those few moments, now…feels like … then…again  

2 Responses to “Now And Then”

  1. Ellen Ferranti says:

    Just smile…sit in your big poppa chair…and remember those days!

  2. dick butler says:

    Just smile! I travel a lot and when you smile at someone nine out of ten smile back it doesn’t cost you a thing. And just maybe they were having a bad day and your smile changed it.