Licensed To Carry A Concealed Pun

I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather, pappa chair in my living room, and let me tell you, it’s a LOT more comfortable than sitting in my branch office…which is where I spent the day. Let me explain in case the IRS is listening. I work out of my home office. My entire company…consisting of me, and my Lady Wonder Wench is based in my basement.

 But like most Louie-Louie Generation guys, I am somewhat maturity challenged. And when I was a kid growing up in Brooklyn, I used to love climbing the tree that grows there. I guess you could call me a tree hugger. But it’s ok. Because according to  Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation  “It’s ok to hug a tree you love, just as long as the loving doesn’t go any further than just one quick hug. Anything more than that one quick hug, and you should go see a shrink to get to the root of your problems. “

 And I still do like climbing trees, although these days I usually use a ladder to help. And that’s why I was sitting in my branch office, in my back yard today. I think it’s a dog wood tree, although I’m not sure. But I certainly learned something nasty about its bark today.

 Today’s job was to amputate a couple of its branches that have begun to whack the electric and telephone lines that come into the house. And I must confess, it wasn’t easy. The branches were kind of high up, but the height wasn’t the problem. It was the bark. For some reason, hordes of small, six legged soldiers, with red eyes and fangs, and claws have decided to live in the bark. So I guess you could say this dogwood’s bark was worse than its height. Sorry. Sometimes I can’t help myself.

 After all those years on the radio, I figure I have a license to carry a concealed pun. And that’s important. Because our son Eric lives just outside Washington D.C. and when we visit, we love to swap pun shots, and they have strict pun laws in Washington D.C. Carrying a pun without a license in D.C. is a capitol offence.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1- If you transplanted the Great Wall of China to the U.S., what would you have to do a half hour after you were finished ?

2- Where did the phone company get the idea of printing “Yellow Pages.”

3- What did Foyodor Vassilet and his wife do that should get him an endorsement contract with Wheaties ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 A little housekeeping here. My thanks to the Stitcher app, and CBS Radio’s  for carrying the podcast. And a very big thanks to Harry Sandler, the former drummer of the very successful 60’s Boston rock group Orpheus for including a very generous bio of me on the Music Museum of New England web site. If you’d like to know more about the huge contribution that Boston area musicians made to American rock, check out www dot mmone dot org. It’s a terrific work in progress.

 I told you a little while ago that Louie-Louie guys are a bit maturity challenged. That’s not meant as a negative comment. It’s one of the reasons we are the bedmates of choice for super models, porn stars, and Catherine Zeta Jones impersonators. They like our boyish charm. They like the fact that we treat women with love, lust and respect. They like the fact that we wear our baseball hats facing front. And they like the fact that some of us, have paid off our nice cars and personal airplanes.

 Another thing they like about us, is that we are stylish lovers. We’re not over anxious. We don’t remove our sox by violently shaking our feet. On the other hand, when the moment seems right, we don’t hang up our trousers and insert shoe trees in our shoes either. We don’t feel used if a partner seems to lose interest after only four hours of love making. We don’t get distracted if she is wearing the wrong day of the week underwear. Louie-Louie Generation guys are gentlemen, We know that women need more enticement than lighting a cigar and ordering out for a pizza. We tie up, or blindfold pets first. 

 And Louie-Louie Generation ladies are magical midnight madonnas. They know how to love, they know how to laugh, they know how to cook, and how to care, and they try not to cry. They don’t carry baggage with them. They carry their life experiences…and they share them with us. They never use words like fiasco, catastrophe, botch, tragedy, or law suit.

 All this takes time. Some of the Pimple People who strive for Louie-Louie Generation membership will make it. Big Louie has advice for them too. He says, “If your partner can’t stop mummer-ing your name you’re probably a good lover. If she can’t remember your name…you’re probably not so good.”

 There’s a story in the Night Connections personal audio cd about a Pimple Person guy who has just had an experience that could… if he deals with it the right way… make him a genuine candidate for Louie-Louie Generation hood. It’s called The Tiny Dancer. She was just a little lady…just going about her life…but she gave the guy such a whack on the head…just her reflection…I wonder what she would have said if she noticed him watching. I wonder if she might have noticed the expression on his face…and said, “Hi…I miss you too.” The Tiny Dancer is from the Night Connections personal audio cd. If you like it you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, you can just download it from the icon on the home page.

So…almost all day, I was sitting out there in my branch office, happily sawing away…loading my puns for this puncast…and it felt good. And physical. I like that. I’m still coming back from an operation, so I don’t have all my energy back. But it’s better than it was just a couple of weeks ago. I think my pulse rate must have been down around a four.

And I was sawing, and sawing…and thinking that trees must have been our first cheer leaders…with all that rooting that they do. And the branch I was working on started to groan. Then it slowly broke, and went crashing to the ground. And the tree shuddered a little. And all of a sudden, I had to put my puns away. Because I’ve always been a tree hugger…ever since I was a kid in Brooklyn. All of a sudden, this wasn’t my branch office. It was a living creature. It gives my Lady Wonder Wench and me shade in the summer. Squirrels play hide and seek in it. We sometimes put Christmas lights on it. It’s probably about my age. I found a heart and two names carved in it…lovers from a long time ago. They’re probably about my age now too.

 I guess the tree and I both have to get our energy back. I’m rooting for both of us. Because it would be a shame if it couldn’t turn my world all red and gold again this October.




3 Responses to “Licensed To Carry A Concealed Pun”

  1. A milestone, podcast #200 on the RSS feed!

  2. Audrey says:

    I found my “branch office” too this past week …… been looking for quite a while.
    Film at 11.

  3. Mike Legee says:

    Did “well” replace “you know” as the most said phrase littering everyone’s speech. Or are they just joining hands to litter our speech?

    Well…I like to know, you know…

    Your friendly mountebank,