How Insensitive

This was one of those days…when you’ve just got to sit in your big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in your living room, and hang on tight. “Women don’t need sex like men do”…that’s what my Lady Wonder Wench said today. After decades of being together, she waits till now to tell me this. I’m an experienced, Louie Louie Generation guy. I know I should have kept my mouth shut, but that little guy in the back of my brain who’s supposed to keep control of things like my mouth and other things must have been on his lunch break…so I couldn’t help myself. I said, “huh ?”

She said, “Women like sex, but we don’t need it. We need emotionality. Men only need sex.” I’ve gotta tell you that got me pretty emotional. As in, “If that’s true, that’s not fair.” And I really think it’s pretty nasty of God to set things up like that. Because it seems to me that it’s supposed to be a cooperative situation. And who the hell could love a woman who looks like my Lady Wonder Wench without an occasional growl, a serious rise in blood pressure, and at least a momentary  loss of control of where he’s putting his hands…among other things. This is not my fault. Sometimes my body grabs me. God did this to me.

Like most Louie Louie Generation guys, I am a sensitive and deeply spiritual person. For some reason, my Lady Wonder Wench seems reluctant to believe me when I tell her that. I needed a knee replacement a few years ago and you would be shocked if I told you what she said to me when I explained that my knees were worn out due to excessive kneeling in silent prayer as a youth.

A famous feminist once said, “If there were no men, there would be no wars, no football, and no violence, just millions of fat, happy, women. And all across America, women stood up and did the wave. What is this ? Women dream of world peace, an end to hunger, and a safe environment, and guys just dream of being stuck in the elevator with one of the Kardashians ? If a rich sixty year old guy marries a twenty year old woman, is it because that’s the only way he can find a woman of his emotional maturity ?

I’m sensitive, but I must admit to on occasion having a good deal of animal about me. My body does grab me frequently. As a matter of fact, some nights in the full moon, I have had so much animal about me that I have been known to attract fleas. But that doesn’t mean the only time I think about a candlelit dinner is when the power goes off. I know that sometimes my Lady Wonder Wench needs to be left alone, but not be left by herself…and I don’t understand that…but it’s ok. It’s like, “I’m fine” means she’s not fine. And I know that doesn’t make sense, but it’s ok because Louie Louie guys know lots of things that work don’t make sense. It’s like if you play hookey they throw you out of school. Or the doctor says you’ve got to get your pulse rate down, and the only way to do that is to exercise… which gets your pulse rate up. And diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but a dog is a guy’s best friend. It makes no sense, except to those of us who are truly sensitive. But I say if sensitivity, emotionality, and charm were all there is between men and women, we’d all be chasing Barbara Walters.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-  What are Bill and Melinda Gates up to that has every guy’s attention?

2-  What puts a stop to flirting in a car?

3-  What’s the scratchiest item in the U.S. de fense budget?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

“Tall Beth” and Molly are two of my Lady Wonder Wench’s needle pointing buddies. They’re a lot younger than my Lady, and they’re always saying, “All the good men are married.” So how come that’s not what the married women are saying? I don’t mind a little confusion. But right now I’m suffering a confusion contusion. And that hurts. Because I’m sensitive. Lots of guys are sensitive.

There’s a story about a sensitive scientist at M.I.T. who managed to clone himself. The story hit the internet because the clone got bored yesterday and went down to the subway station and flashed all the passengers. The sensitive scientist heard about it, and ran down to get the clone back in line. He was sensitive…embarrassed…a man of science and his clone was acting like a pervert. So the scientist rushed onto the subway platform…white lab coat flapping…and the clone got so scared that he fell off the platform right into the path of the oncoming train. The transit cops arrived, and arrested the sensitive scientist for making an obscene clone fall.

I love that story although there are those who might call it insensitive. And my Lady Wonder Wench says stories like that make it clear why psychoanalysis often works more quickly for men than for women… because when it’s time to go back to childhood, we’re already there.

There’s a story about a guy who got a fast lesson in sensitivity in the Night Connections Personal Audio CD. It’s called The Tiny Dancer.It’s about a bad boy who was beginning to become a man. But it was too late. She saw him…and she looked right through him. She could see that there still wasn’t quite enough man inside him to make her feel safe. If you like it you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just check out the Night Connections icon on the home page.

“Women don’t need sex like men do” she said. To be fair she was just kind of upset. That’s why she was giving me that look that said, “Millions of sperm. Hard to believe you were the fastest.” I should have just shut up. But that little guy in the back of my brain who’s supposed to keep control of my mouth and fingers and stuff must have been on his lunch break. At times like that, it seems like every time I try to put my best foot forward it lands up in my mouth. And to be honest, “Huh?” isn’t all I said. But she has always loved me when I least deserve to be loved, because that’s when I need it most.

So when she saw me trying to get my foot, and lots of of my knee replacement out of my mouth, she finally just smiled and she said, “I need you in my life. Sweat and all.”



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