Drooling For Good Health

We now have genuine medical proof that just drooling over a well endowed or hunky specimen of your sexual preference is good for your heart. That’s because it actually raises your blood pressure…which you have to do to lower your blood pressure. I know that sounds strange, but that’s what people with genuine MDs as opposed to the Internet kind tell us. We can actually cut down exercising by extended and sincere drooling.

Speaking of exercising, I have to get back into some kind of shape. As I told you in my book Staying Happy Healty and Hot…I have no intention of allowing myself to become just a chunk of luke warm meat. Ever since I had that Louie Louie Generation operation…sometimes known as a knee replacement, I haven’t been doing much sweating and straining. And hey…by the way…have you ever noticed how sexy co-ed sweating and straining at the gym can be? I think Big Louie would make a good personal trainer. He always says, “If you have any moving parts left, move em.” And now we have absolute proof that sex is good for your heart. Among other parts.

Back to hard science: Dr. Karen Weatherby M.D. just published an article in the New England Journal of Medicine that said “10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female is good for men’s health and makes men live longer.” This was a five year study of 200 saintly, Louie Louie Guys who volunteered… strictly in the interests of science, of course… to check out a series of busty beauties every day. And the result was that raised their blood pressure short term, so they’d have lower blood pressure long term…sounds weird, but that’s exactly what exercise does. So drooling over busty women gave those guys lower blood pressure, less heart disease, and slower pulse rates…compared to a no doubt deeply resentful test group of other guys who didn’t even get to take a peek. What could be better than this? We now have scientific proof that dedicated drooling over a beautiful woman for just ten minutes every day… cuts a guy’s risk of a stroke and heart attack in half… and that could add four to five years to the average guy’s life. And think of what a wonderful FOUR TO FIVE YEARS those will be. This is going to change the world as we know it.

The saintly and amazingly intelligent Dr. Weatherby says “Just 10 minutes of staring at a nicely curved woman is roughly equivalent to 30 minutes of aerobic exercise”. That brings a whole new meaning to the idea of a “stare master workout,” doesn’t it. The good…no, the magnificent Doctor Weatherby says that’s because sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation, and THAT LOWERS BLOOD PRESSURE. ARE YOU READING THIS LADY WONDER WENCH !!!!!

Imagine the wonderful changes this will make to the way lady personal trainers will dress for work? Gym memberships will soar. I wonder how this will impact the kind of prescriptions doctors write… “Go to Hooters twice every day and come back next week and tell me all about it…in complete detail…take pictures if you can. After all, I’ve got to be careful to keep my blood pressure down too.” I bet this research will even affect the personal life of gynecologists… They’re supposed to be professionally immune to the splendor of sexy women, but since this report, I wouldn’t be surprised if when a gynecologist gets home after a hard day’s work, his wife will take his blood pressure just to be sure it’s still dangerously high or if he had used this new way of drooling for good health.

The only problem I see with this research is that, as I said, my lady Wonder Wench is exactly the kind of woman who has this kind of an effect on guys. Since kindergarten, I have developed a legendary ability to play well with others…but I never really got to be awfully good at sharing…especially when we’re talking about Wonder Wench.

Since her accident, she hasn’t been as active as she used to be, but when I met her she was a skier. That’s a sport I could never understand. As I explained in the current podcast, you strap a pair of slippery sticks on your feet, climb on an icy chair dangling from a clothesline, which hurls you over 3,000 foot cliffs, and up a mountain so steep the mountain goats are wearing parachutes. Then you slide back down the same mountain at 60 mph, using two sticks to steer between the trees and boulders and other skiers who are stuck in the snow… screaming because they can’t move… having broken their legs and arms and medically expensive internal organs. And if you don’t die zooming over one of those cliffs, you arrive at the bottom of the mountain…and that’s where… for women who look like W. Wench…the real danger lurks…in the form of ski instructors, red corvette convertible drivers, vacationing tennis pros, and jazz piano players. I was always especially suspicious of jazz piano players around Wonder Wench. Think about what those guys do for a living. They play 88 keys, with only ten fingers. I don’t want W. Wench getting too close to one of those fancy finger guys.

I have never understood why, if just looking at a woman can and does get a man all sweaty, just looking at a man doesn’t have the same effect on a woman. Wonder Wench says she just looks at a guy’s face, and listens to his voice. And I believe her. On the other hand… even after all these years together, when I look at her, it sometimes takes me a while to get all the way up to her face. I know…that’s sexist. You know what…I think if you belong to one sex or another, everything you do and think is sexist. Because your sex shapes your entire life. It does for me, anyway. It’s not politically correct, but it works for me.

Look…if Mary, Jane, Alice, and Joan go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Jane, Alice and Joan. If Mike, Bob, Joe and Al go out for lunch, they will call each other Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut Head and Useless. Women’s magazines are full of advice. Not men’s magazines. Women want to learn. We figure we know what we need to know…just show me somebody naked. Guys don’t wear tight underwear because that would cut off the circulation to our brains. And I also wonder where I can go to sign up for any future experiments of this kind that Dr. Weatherby might have in mind. Because I have a long standing, deeply appreciative, and thorough understanding of the value of medical research. And beautiful women.

One Response to “Drooling For Good Health”

  1. Ellen Ferranti says:

    It’s amazing what medical research we do nowadays! I wonder if the Louie Louie Lads were from the east coast or west coast? Does it really matter?
    As a doctor, I am all for lowering blood pressure! I’ll let you know if any of my colleagues are conducting further research on this topic; so you can volunteer! Lol…