Dick’s Crayon Caper

I am sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room, and I’m semi-seriously considering popping a copy of my new book, Staying Happy, Healthy And Hot into my neighbor Steve’s mail box. He really needs to think about the Gratitude-Attitude that the book talks about. Steve starts every day off with a smile, so he can get that over with as soon as possible. He often suspects people are plotting to make him happy. When someone says, “Have a nice day” to him, he usually says, “Sorry, I have other plans.”Our state motto is on our license plates. It says, “You’ve got a friend in Pennsylvania.” I wouldn’t be surprised to see Steve putting a strip of tape under the slogan that says, “Don’t look at me.” He definitely needs to grab some Gratitude-Attitude. Steve is an excellent example of the Dreary Drones I’ve been talking about in my book. They’re people who have just let themselves turn into hunks of luke-warm meat. Steve is kind of a stale sausage. He’s retired, and I think he’s just bored. I could never figure out how people can get bored.

I was a therapist in New York  for a long time, and when I took a client’s history, I always asked, “What do you do for fun.” You’d be amazed at how many people looked at me and said, “Oh not much. There’s nothing much to do.” That was in New York City. There’s nothing much to do ? Really ? There’s always something happening in New York. Of course a lot of it is unsolved, but nothing to do ? Come on.

Louie Louie Generation lads and ladies know that it’s impossible to do nothing. Doing nothing is doing something. And if you’ve been working too hard, doing nothing can be very good for you. Big Louie, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie Louie Generation is very clear about that. He says, “If you’ve still got some moving parts left, for crying out loud, move them.” If you’re lucky enough to be living a comfortable middle class life, with occasional upgrades to business class, use your spare time to help the community. Join a volunteer fire department. Help out at a hospital. Do what Big Louie just signed up to do…donate your services for the temporary relief of underprivileged local nymphomaniacs.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1- How come there are so many rabbits?

2- Why should snails change their socks frequently?

3- Why should blondes stay off escalators?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Kids are a good example of the fact that people aren’t supposed to get bored. They’re always doing something. That’s why when you take your kid to an Applebees, they give your kid some crayons and a paper napkin to draw on. They know kids always have to be doing stuff, and they figure the expense of a few crayons is worth keeping your kid from running around grabbing handfuls of other customer’s deserts, and biting people at the bar.

When we go to Applebees, I always ask for some crayons. I like crayons. They have a kind of kid smell about them…like chalk has, and sliced apples… and peanut butter. I’ve always liked apples, peanut butter and strawberry jam, oatmeal and raisins…and I now have them every day for breakfast AND lunch. Because I’m an adult and I can eat like a kid if I want to. I liked being a kid.

I tell the waiter the crayons are for my “little guys.” And that’s not a lie. I sometimes call my fingers my “little guys” because like most “little guys” they get into trouble quite regularly. It’s not my fault what they do when the little guy in my head who’s supposed to steer me in the right direction lets go of the steering wheel and starts reaching out to some lovely Louie Louie Lady. If the lady is extra estrogen enriched, there are times when that guy in my brain completely loses control of several body parts…my eyebrows for example. They flip up and down a couple of times, my nose twitches, and when I first met my Lady Wonder Wench she says my ears wiggled. She says now that was the only reason she was giggling at my jokes.

Giggles are good. And you sometimes hear them in restaurants like Applebees. There’s a story about that in the Night Connections Personal Audio CD. I think the story proves that sometimes, the hottest love affair ends in the coldest silence. She didn’t want to leave him in the cold. She wanted to leave him some warm words instead…because she loved keeping him warm…That took some strength. Because he’s still there…in her mind. And in her heart, she knows she’ll never…completely… leave him.

The story is called “Always.” It’s from the Night Connections Personal Audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, check out the Night Connections icon on the home page.

That Gratitude-Attitude that’s in my new book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot has kept me happy for a long time. Like a lot of guys, my color vision isn’t terrific. When I was a kid, to be sure I was getting the color I wanted, I used to have to look at what it said on the crayon. But I always liked crayons. I think every kid did. Even today’s big shots. The president, the Pope, even that nut case in North Korea. Can’t you see them all as little kids, concentrating so hard they’re sticking out their tongues…and running over to their mommies when they managed to draw something that looks like a tree…and being so proud when mommie puts the drawing up on the refrigerator.

Maybe we should have crayon rockets. When things get tense, we could launch a crayon rocket with a payload of millions of crayons. The thing would explode high up in the air, and millions of crayon boxes would float down under little parachutes…and everybody would drop their guns, run out, grab some crayons and concentrate so hard they stick their tongues out while they’re coloring. No more wars.

I wonder what would happen if instead of my book, I put a box of crayons in my neighbor Steve’s mailbox.


2 Responses to “Dick’s Crayon Caper”

  1. Ellen Ferranti says:

    You can send me crayons anytime!

  2. When I was young, at the beginning of the new school year I would get the big box of crayons. I would sit and take them all out and place them back into the box in order of shades. I still to this day, love to take the crayons out of the box and smell them and place them in order. Yes at 49 I still love my crayons. They bring back happy memories of peace and happiness.