I love sitting here in this big, comfortable, manly , black leather poppa chair. It’s in my living room. In my house. Which is on a road where the town guys just put a new sign. It is a sign that has struck terror into the hearts of everybody in the neighborhood. Especially people who have to get to work, and people who tend to have weak bladders. The sign says, “Detour.” Getting where you want to go is tough enough these days. As it says in my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot: “Out on the road, you’ve got to compete with people driving at speeds ranging from sonic boom to car wash—and all you want to do is get to work. You’ve got to be cunning to survive. Of course, Big Louie, his own bad self, has some advice for surviving in today’s traffic. For example, Louie says, “Never pass a driver who’s on a cell phone. Neither that driver nor you have any control in that situation. Wait till he creams the truck ahead of him, then pass briskly on whichever side has less debris.” 

The word detour has a completely deceptive sound to it. It sounds like, “Hey, wouldn’t you like to take de tour we’ve got set up for you? We’ll take you to some of the lovely scenic places you wouldn’t otherwise get to visit.” I wanted to send an Email to the town guys to tell them, “No. I don’t want to take your tour, but my spell checker wouldn’t let me use some of the words I wanted to use to explain my feelings on the subject.

You’re trying to get somewhere in a hurry, and the town guys put up a sign that says, Hey…you’re going to take de tour whether you like it or not. And they put a couple of saw horses the size of elephants across the road to see to it that you do what they tell you to do. I never liked being told what to do in the first place. Or in the second place for that matter. The TV commercial says, “Call Now!” No. I’m not going to call now. I have a hang up about calling now. “Have a nice day.” No. I have other plans. “Swipe card.” No I have my own card, I don’t need to swipe yours. “How are you?” I have 15 minutes to live, how are you? “What can I do for you?” Drop and give me 20 push-ups. “What’s your pass word?” Joe Namath. When people tell me what to do, I remember the immortal words of Big Louie, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie Louie Generation. Louie always says, “Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort you can be impossible.”

Detour. Guys around here have places to go, and things to do. We don’t have time to do de tour. If you drive less than 50 MPH around here you are considered double parked. It can be a little dangerous. I’ve seen plenty of accidents around here. Mostly in my rear view mirror. I’m a native New Yorker. There are several of us around here. When you see 2 cars double parked around here you can always tell which one was parked by a New Yorker. His is the one parked on top. Detour.

Dick’s Details, a bunch of totally un-important stuff for you to stuff in one ear, so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s making you crazy out the other ear, and you can be a little less crazy while you try to get around the detour. Walruses, raccoons and gorillas have a carefully placed bone called a baculum which makes it un-necessary for them to worry about ED. They never have to worry about ED. That’s why you never see them driving a small sports car convertible wearing a silly hat. If you haven’t been watching tv commercials lately, ED is nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings guys.” If the answer is S&M&M what is the question? The question is in the new podcast. The smart guys in the white lab coats have just issued a beauty. It says, “Drunk ants always fall over on their right side.” Have you ever seen a drunk ant? I assume they mean insect ants, not your mother’s sister. Some guys have way too much time on their hands. Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Details is also an interesting word, like detour. As in de tails of certain mammals are sometime quite attractive. Debunk is what they toss around in Washington. Debrief is what lots of current pop stars do on their music videos. Detour. One of the things I really hate to see is that the school busses now have to go way out of the way to pick kids up and leave them off. It’s tough enough on a kid having to go to school. Going back to school is different from going to away college. Going to away to college has a lot to do with parties, and girls, and beer, and girls. Many of my friends didn’t want to send their sons to college, because when they thought about what they were doing, they wanted to go back themselves.  Going back to school is different. When you go back to school they teach you the three Rs. Reading, writing and ‘rithmatic. I got in trouble with Sr. Mary Knucklebuster when I pointed out that only one of the three Rs started with an R. My handwriting was terrible. But that was on purpose. I couldn’t spell, but my writing was so bad you couldn’t tell.

Actually, Sr. Mary Knucklebuster and her associates did a pretty good job of teaching…I think. They taught that you should play fair, or at least fairly fair. Don’t hit people, even to take their soft, warm oatmeal cookies. Tell the truth if you really want to confuse people. Remember, I went to school in Brooklyn, so one of the important things sister taught was always put things back where you found them, even if you have to break back in to do it. I went to an all boys High School and College, and as a result I have become a man with decades of experience in not having a clue to what women are thinking. But I have sincerely been trying to learn, and I’ve come up with some points that you guys might find useful. When a woman says, “I’m fine,” she’s not. “No desert for me,” means she’ll be finishing yours. “I’m having my hair done” means “I want to look pretty for you.” If she stops doing that, try to figure out why. She’ll fake an orgasm, but that’s better than faking a headache. Some women will actually read your horoscope every day. If your woman does that, keep her close to you. Gently lift the back of her hair and kiss her on the neck. Bring her flowers. Don’t wait for her birthday. Don’t wait till you screw up again. Bring her flowers. There’s a story about a guy who did that in the current podcast.  It’s called, Not Again

Been there, done that, just like that guy. Often. Way too often. She never gave up on me. Flowers are good. Flowers are beautiful. A beautiful woman should have beautiful things. Bring her flowers. And when they start to wilt, go get her some fresh flowers. Do that, and she’ll never give up on you. She’ll never stop being beautiful. Not Again is from my Night Connections 2 spoken word CD. If you like it you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just check out the Night Connections 2 icon on the home page.

Detour. An elderly lady stopped me at the hardware store yesterday. She said, “Are you from around here?” I said, “Yes, why?” “She said how do you get through that detour.” This is true. I said, “You really can’t.” She said, “But I did last night, and I just don’t remember how I did it.” I asked her which was her car. She pointed to a kind of beaten up old Chevvy. I asked her where she got that big dent in the front bumper. She said, “I really don’t remember.” This is a true story. Detour. Descriptive word. Take de tour, like it or not. Wouldn’t be too hard to find a descriptive word for that lady too. How about dentist ?


One Response to “Detour”

  1. Betsy says:

    “I went to an all boys high school and college…” WHY? 🙂