Click Here

Big Louie, his own bad self, always says, “This is a hit and miss life. There’s nothing in between.” And as almost always, he’s right. Brian Williams, on the other hand, keeps reporting on TV, that there are near misses all over the place…in the air and in politics…everywhere. And he’s wrong. There are no near misses. Think about it. A near miss is a hit. If I look out the windscreen of my little four seat airplane, and it is completely full of the business end of a 747’s right inboard jet engine intake…I hope we have a complete miss…not a near miss. If we have a near miss, the airline captain and I are going to very quickly become much more intimate than either one of us want to think about. And the same principle applies to women.

Because I am a Louie-Louie Generation Gentleman, I still call a very young woman…”Miss.” I think miss is an appropriate and descriptive term for a young woman who has probably been hit on by plenty of Pimple People guys…but so far they have all missed. I think that’s where we got the term “miss.” And if that’s where we got the word, “miss,” it’s obvious that we got the word “mister” from some frustrated guy who hit on a woman and missed her. And “Mrs.” means everybody who hits on a “Mrs.”…misses. 

When a woman wears the kind of stuff Victoria’s Secret sells, she is covering just enough woman to suggest that if I stick around there might be a genuine near miss. Remember, a near miss is a hit. And put a Louie-Louie Generation guy into a situation like that, and there is very high likelihood that she will be absolutely right. Vicki made a very big business out of very tiny little bits of cloth.

Big things are almost always built from a lot of little things. Little clicks that change the whole tv channel that we live in. The Chrysler building is one of New York’s biggest sky scrapers. And it’s built of bricks. A bunch of guys put one brick on top of another, till they got quite a view. Shaq O’Neil is the result of a microscopic egg sharing kind of a hot tub experience with a heavy breathing little sperm who managed to wriggle out of his Speedo for the occasion. And it was a long parade of tiny clicks a long time ago that changed my channel to the one that features my Lady Wonder Wench .

Here’s what happened: Santa brought me a portable radio when I was about seven. (Click) I immediately became a disc jockey in training. I listened to William B. Williams on WNEW, and Big Wilson on WNBC in New York, and I loved it. WNEW and WNBC are big league stations. The radio business is like Baseball. You start in the minors and work your way up. I worked my way up to WIBC in Indianapolis, which is a top level triple A kind of station. (Click) And then, for some reason, Al Heacock, the Program Director at WBZ in Boston fished around in a big box of audition tapes, and came up with mine. And he liked it. (Click) I was in the majors. And I was just a few clicks away from meeting my Lady Wonder Wench.

She wanted to be a veterinarian when she was seven. But her family didn’t have the money to send her to school for that. (Click) So she became a secretary. A very good one. (Click) She got a good job after high school. She was a secretary in a law office. A good job, but no tingle. (Click) Her mother listened to WBZ all the time. (Click) They had a job opening commercial on the air one morning. (Click) Her mom heard it, and challenged my Lady to try for it. (Click) She did. And she won.

But that’s not the end of the parade of tiny clicks that changed my channel. WBZ was a big station. She worked during regular business hours. I worked over nights. We never saw each other. There were two more tiny clicks that had to happen to make it work. And I’ll tell you about them in a minute.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-     Why should men use licorice scented after shave.

2-     How do we know that basketball is really important in Natoma Kansas?

3-     What do politicians and hookers have in common ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

There’s no such thing as a near miss. You either hit or you miss. The click happens or it doesn’t. I was thinking about that at a Willie Nelson concert a few months ago. He was singing “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before.” And I was thinking, what would happen if I called all the girls I’ve loved on the phone…I mean right now. What would happen. I’m willing to bet you’d hear a lot of, “Dick Who ?” And clicks of the telephone receiver kind.

Sometimes the clicks in your life work a little like the left clicker in your computer. You click on something that says click here, and you have to click it a couple of extra times…and you sometimes say some words the firewall won’t let you print. Then if you get lucky, one more click and the page you want pops up.

There’s a story in the Bedtime Stories personal audio CD about a woman who had that kind of thing going on in her life. It’s called The Second Chance. It’s about the fact that it really is a hit or miss life. But the good thing is that sometimes, just when you think you’ve missed so often that you’ve struck out, something amazing goes click. I don’t know for sure how her second chance worked out. But I know she was beginning to feel … just that…she was beginning to feel again. I only saw that instant…not the rest of her lifetime. But there was obviously a click. A quick spark of pride…a flash of passion…an electric moment that I want to think re-lit all the rest of her life. Because she is a very good person.

If you like The Second Chance, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you’d like a fresh copy just go back to and download it from the Bedtime Stories icon on the home page.

It’s a hit or miss life. There are no near misses. So there she was…a daytime secretary at WBZ Radio in Boston. And I was the all night disc jockey. The all night disc jockey is usually the new guy on the staff. Nobody pays much attention to him. But one evening, the WBZ deejays played a charity basketball game, and the station’s secretaries went to be our cheer leaders. They all cheered for the daytime guys. But on the few occasions that I did anything right, I heard one lovely, lusty cheer coming from a beautiful blue eyed secretary with…such a smile. (Click)

I’ve worked at some even bigger stations…WNEW and WNBC in New York…the stations I listened to on my little transistor radio when I was a kid. But WBZ is one of the most powerful stations in the country. I was getting mail sacks full of mail every day. And I wanted to try to answer it. So I asked the head secretary if any of her staff would like to earn a few extra bucks helping me out with the mail.

Guess who showed up for the gig. (Click)

2 Responses to “Click Here”

  1. jeff says:

    Glad Boston and BZ were good for you because you were good for BZ and Boston in the 60’s. Was that basketball game the one the BZ staff played the Boston Patroits?

  2. Mike Mouris says:

    From a devoted listener in high school – it’s a wonder I graduated because of all the sleepless nights listening to you on BZ.

    I also had a series of clicks:
    Getting an old 53 Ford from my father (click)
    Spending a whole summer doing body work at his station (behind BZ on Western Ave) (click)
    Getting his friend to paint it Danube Blue (click)
    Going for coffee with a friend at Rolands in Lynn (click)
    Having some crazy girl in the next car in Rolands lot throwing something from her window that hit my car. (click)
    Having a minor discussion of same (click)
    Celebrating 45th anniversary this year!

    What if I went to Bill and Bobs instead of Rolands?