Archive for August, 2015

Dickie-Quickie

Friday, August 21st, 2015

Dick’s Details is a regular feature on the podcasts. It’s a bunch of totally un-important stuff for you to stuff in one ear, so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s rubbing your wrinkles the wrong way out the other ear, and you can grab a grin.There was a story in the paper today about a rock group that’s upset with an airline. The headline reads: “Smashing Pumpkin sues Virgin.” Makes it seem like a modern Cinderella story. If the answer is “He would put it in our pockets” what is the question. The smart guys in the white lab coats tell us that kids 2 to 5 put their hands in their mouths an average of 10 times an hour. That’s nothing. Our average politician puts his foot in his mouth a lot more often than that. Mormon leader Brigham Young had 56 kids by 27 wives. No wonder Mormons call him the founding father. I can’t help wonder if he got his name from telling whoever supplied his wives, “I don’t care how you bring em. Just bring em young. If the answer is “He would put it in our pockets” the question is “What would the average politician do if we gave him a completely free hand.” There’s a bit in there about doing a poll dance too, but I’ll skip it in deference to your delicate sensibilities. Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind. donald-2

Dickie-Quickie

Thursday, August 20th, 2015

I have been a very happy guy for a very long time. But here’s the thing that’s driving me nuts: I was watching my lovely Lady Wonder Wench waking up  on her pillow this morning…beautiful eyes slowly opening and turning the whole room blue…a slow smile that says, “Hi, I love you” without the words, and then some very clear words that say, “Get out of my way. I’ve got to pee. That happens almost every morning. But this morning, something hit me so hard it must have given me a concussion. It’s in today’s podcast.betsy's play station

Dickie-Quickie

Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

I’ve got a great life. I’m kind of living a dream. Except for one thing that happened today that’s driving me nuts. I’m such a crazy lucky guy I sometimes wonder if I should be living in a nut house. Then I turn on the TV news, and I figure maybe I am. The Senoi Indians say that your reality isn’t while you’re awake, your reality is in your dreams. And maybe they’re right. Dreams are important. If it weren’t for dreams, who would ever believe in a love that could really last a long time. Years.  Decades. There’s a story in today’s podcast about dreams. Part of the story is about the day my Lady Wonder Wench and I went for a walk in Central Park. It was a happy, Spring, dandelion picking day. We really did pick those dandelions in Central Park. And they really did look magnificent in that jelly jar glass on the table. I never could understand why we call dandelions weeds. They’re some of the first flowers that poke up through the snow. Kind of like the dream of Spring coming true after a nightmare winter. The thing that’s spoiling things for me right now is at the end of today’s podcast.

angel of death & selfie taker

Dickie-Quickie

Tuesday, August 18th, 2015

Big Louie says there are three ages in life: Youth, middle age, and “My you’re looking good.” That’s why he says we always look our best just before we die. Which I find encouraging, because that means things should improve for me. So I guess I’ll be around for a while…living this life that I love so much…with my Lady right here by my side. She usually ignores the fact that I sometimes drink milk right out of the bottle, I occasionally leave my shoes right in the middle of the living room floor, and I tend to not pay attention to her perfectly logical complaints about middle of the night snacks. I tell her, “I am attached to a machine that keeps me alive…the refrigerator. And If I’m not supposed to have snacks in the middle of the night, how come there’s a bulb in there that comes on when I open the door?” These are some of the things being discussed in today’s podcast. Life can be confusing. entrance-don't enter

 

Dickie-Quickie

Monday, August 17th, 2015

On today’s podcast I was thanking “Whomever” for giving me such a wonderful life. It’s the kind of life most guys just dream of. I have a warm, comfortable home in a snow storm. There are no bad guys sneaking up my driveway, my Lady smiles at me instead of some other guy. I know I can’t do a 100 push-ups any more, and as I mentioned in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, pop up slides in baseball are a treasured memory. But I have some moving parts left. And as Big Louie always says in my book, “If you have any moving parts left, for crying out loud, move em.” So I do. And I don’t mean I exercise by clicking on Google Street View very fast either. I fly my little airplane, I walk up and down these lovely Pennsylvania hills, and when the mood is right some very lovely lovin’ never seems to be a problem. How lucky can a guy get? There’s only one thing that’s beginning to spoil things for me. It scared hell out of me this morning, and there’s no question that it’s one of the things that really is going to happen. don't bet on him

Dickie-Quickie

Sunday, August 16th, 2015

Podcast Alert! In today’s podcast I figure I have finally proven that men are smarter than women. Because if women were as smart as men, how come I married my Lady Wonder Wench and she married me? I know some of you are going through tough times, and I’m not telling you how happy I am to make you feel worse. In fact I want to remind you of the words of Big Louie in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. Louie says, “You can never tell when something wonderful is going to happen.” The other side of that is true too. I’ve found an amazing thing in my life. Only about half of the things I worry about ever happen. In fact only about half of all the things I expect to happen in my life actually happen. I’m not kidding about that. And I wonder if you’ve found the same thing to be true. Please let me know. Email is dick at dick summer dot net. So look, if only about half the things we worry about ever really happen, that means we’re worrying twice as much as necessary. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking at life through rose colored glasses. I had an experience this morning that made it very clear that I’m at the bi-focals part of my life. And this morning my glasses got a little teared up when I suddenly realized that every day I’m watching the Summer sunshine of my life that I have loved so much fade into Autumn gold.a glass way too half full

Dickie-Quickie

Saturday, August 15th, 2015

One of the fun things in today’s podcast is Dick’s Details, a bunch of totally un-important stuff for you to stuff in one ear, so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s constantly rejecting your password out the other ear, and you can scroll down and relax a little.  Statisticians tell us that 21% of Americans say they are regularly “bored out of their minds.” I think when people use their minds a little more, they don’t get bored at all. If the answer is, “Take the windshield wipers off” what is the question? Pope John Paul II’s 1999 visit to Mexico was sponsored in part by Pepsi Cola. He was John Paul the Pepsi Pope. More statistics…the more country music radio stations there are in a city the higher the rate of suicide is in that city. Wouldn’t happen if those country DJs would play a song backward once in a while, because then you’d get your dog back, your girl back, and your truck would be truckin’ again. If the answer is “Take the windshield wipers off” the question is, “What’s the best way to avoid a parking ticket.” Guilty your honor. Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind. Hey…a little reminder…if you like these podcasts, or the daily blogs, or the spoken word CDs or the book…Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, would you please tell a couple of friends? Your friends might like them too, and you’ll be helping me out. Thanks.

76 trombones c cellphone

Dickie-Quickie

Friday, August 14th, 2015

Do you suppose computers can have fantasies? We’re checking that out in today’s podcast. My laptop is changing to something it thinks I’ll find “a little more comfortable.” She means Windows 10. I mean IT means Windows 10. But my laptop doesn’t want me to watch while it un-zips stuff and changes into something a little more comfortable…like Windows 10. She’s telling me it will take a while, and I don’t have to watch. And for God’s sake don’t touch anything on the keyboard. So go ahead computer. I won’t look. And I won’t touch your “keyboard” either. You’d get snotty and accuse me of performing an “Illegal operation.” You’ve done that before. I wouldn’t think of performing any illegal operations. You’re not my favorite lap top anyway. My favorite lap top is my Lady Wonder Wench. And since we are married it wouldn’t be an illegal operation if I got her to un-zip some stuff and change into something more comfortable too. Like her two piece. Her bedroom slippers. Ah fantasies. They’re especially sexy in the Summertime. guy n girl fantasy

Dickie-Quickie

Thursday, August 13th, 2015

Today’s podcast is about my laptop’s secret sexy change to Windows 10. I have just enough experience with computers, that I wouldn’t trust one to find a computer date for me. If I said I’m looking for someone who’s small and cute, likes group activities and water sports, with my luck it would fix me up with a penguin. I have been on the computer way too much lately. I found myself trying to enter my password into the microwave last night.  I think it was Jerry Seinfeld who suggested that if a guy is really lonely, he shouldn’t bother with computer dating. He should just shave one of his legs, so when he went to bed it would feel like he was lying next to a woman.

one leg shaved

Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, August 12th, 2015

I’ve told you in my podcasts that only one woman has ever called me “cute”…until my Lady Wonder Wench wrote this today:

“I told my darling Louie Louie Lad to tell people he got the scar on his upper lip from a duel; a duel, in fact, with swords. Now doesn’t that sound “manly” ? Big Louie’s main man spends a great deal of time discoursing from his “manly” black leather papa chair. So why not?   Of course, the Lad wouldn’t know the difference between an epee and a broadsword, but then neither would most of the rest of Big Louie’s sons. And it does look slightly rakish. Especially when he smiles. Which he isn’t doing much of lately – because of that damned scar. And since he can’t shave around it for another few days, he has decided to grow a mustache again. And that’s okay with me as long as it doesn’t become a handlebar thingy.

The scar on his upper lip? Oh, that came because as a young Louie Louie Lad he was a lifeguard at Coney Island (you do know what “coneys” are, don’t you?) – and anyone knows that back in the good old days, no he-man worth his salt would ever think of wearing something as silly as sun block to protect his skin. The result, of course, is periodic skin cancer thingys (love that non-word) on his face, which have to be removed. Hence . . . a small manly scar on his upper lip. Doesn’t make him talk like H. Bogart, but does make him look much handsomer. Have I said he looks cute?”

Barb Barn LI