Archive for April, 2014


Monday, April 21st, 2014

Big Louie has discovered the reason that men cannot stop thinking about sex. It’s not our fault. It’s a burden we have no choice but to bear. Bare ? To achieve a full understanding and thorough appreciation of our plight, go to this week’s podcast. 


Sunday, April 20th, 2014

Certain somewhat more highly evolved people with mostly higher voices might not approve of this week’s podcast. (  But Big Louie and I feel it serves a long over due public service to masculine mankind.

Testosterone Terror

Saturday, April 19th, 2014

“CXY” is a brand new, and very important understanding about life. It’s a soft “C” by the way…which means it sounds like an “S.” (Soft) “C”-“X” “Y”. I’ll tell you what I mean in a minute. Maybe you can figure it out for yourself if you say it out loud. (Soft…like an S) “C” “X” “Y”.

I try hard to understand life. I was sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair watching TV, and a totally confusing commercial popped up. I am easily confused by some commercials, although I do commercials for a living. One commercial that confuses me is the one that’s supposed to help some guy by the name of Ed. That’s his name. ED. He has a girl friend by the name of Alice. In this commercial, Ed goes to see Alice, hoping for an evening of romance, but Ed has some kind of problem, and so Ed and Alice spend the rest of the evening in separate bath tubs. As I will explain, his problem has to do with his soft “C” (sounds like an S) “X” & “Y”. 

But the commercial that’s bothering me right now is one in which some guy who’s life is crumbling around him gets a prescription for testosterone, which he smears under his arms. Now testosterone is something that I discussed in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. On page 69 it says, and I quote, “Many people of all generations who are not guys will sometimes call those of us who are Louie Louie Generation guys “Maturity Challenged.” And they’re right. But it’s not our fault. The “Big Louie Institute for Fooling Around and Figuring Most Things Out” released a report recently that explains the whole thing. The report notes that a guy’s brain is swimming in a sea of testosterone, which gives him a deep voice, a beard, and a hand just the right size for using a TV remote. The testosterone in which his brain swims also absorbs some of the shocks of life that sometimes hit him right in the head. Like a baseball, an unexpected blast of Yanni’s music, or high levels of verbal communication. Now please remember, testosterone is a preservative. And what does a preservative do? It keeps meat and stuff from growing old and gnarly. And, of course, growing is another word for maturing. So naturally, a brain swimming in testosterone simply cannot grow and mature. It’s not our fault. We’re only guys. We do the best we can with what we have to work with” end quote. By the way, there are explanations for many of life’s conundrums in the book, so I highly recommend that you pick up a copy at Amazon dot com. 

Back to this testosterone commercial that’s bothering me. Hey, why is the guy is smearing testosterone under his arms. How stupid can this guy be? That’s not where testosterone goes…under your arms. (Big Louie says I’ve got to stop saying how stupid can people be, because lots of those people seem to be taking that as a challenge.) 

Then this commercial goes on to say that you need a doctor’s prescription to get testosterone. Testosterone therefore, is a controlled substance. Like heroin. Obviously, every guy has testosterone. So does that mean if a guy doesn’t carry a doctor’s prescription around he’s in big trouble ?  A guy gets pulled over for a traffic violation and the cop says, I need to see your license, registration and doctor’s note ? My doctor is so young, he still gets pimples. I could have been his baby sitter. I have to get a note from him to say anything in my baritone voice, grow a beard or play with my channel changer ? It’s not a guy’s fault that he has testosterone. I think nature put it there so we don’t get headaches at personally critical romantic times. Women don’t have it, which must be why they often get headaches. Especially at personally critical romantic times.  

Big Louie, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie Louie Generation has been researching this testosterone problem in great detail, and he has come up with a startling new understanding. Guys must have a “C” along with our “X” & “Y” chromosomes. (Soft “C”.) Here are the results of Big Louie’s startling research. As you know, women have two “X” chromosomes, and men have an “X” and a “Y” chromosome. That “Y” chromosome is how we cook up that pesky testosterone that causes us so much trouble. Big Louie has looked past the simple chemistry involved, and has taken into consideration certain social understandings. For example, like many Louie Louie Ladies, my Lady Wonder Wench has often said, “The biggest difference between men and boys is the size of their toys.” “Ah Ha!” said Big Louie. “Toys…Children. That’s the common denominator here. Toys are for children. There must be some previously un-discovered ‘Child’ chromosome in a man’s make up.” And now things are beginning to make sense. If Big Louie is right…and I think he is…women have the double “X” chromosome, and men have the “X” and “Y” chromosome, PLUS this previously un-discovered “Child” chromosome. That would be a “C” for “child” chromosome. And if you remember that children are soft and cuddly, it will be obvious that it must be a soft “C.” (Like an S) Say it out loud and I think you’ll understand.

This explains just about everything men do, including the fact that we cannot look a beautiful woman in the eye for very long until our eyes…wander. It’s the “C” chromosome. The Child in us. I have a deep personal understanding and thorough respect for the child in me. I was breast fed as a child. That’s where I had my first taste of rejection. I was born in February. It was cold. Do you know how hard it is to breast feed through a wool sweater ? 

It’s that “C” for Child chromosome that explains why guys do the things we do. Guys aren’t just the result of an X and a Y, we also have that newly discovered “C”. And it must be a soft “C”, because children are soft and cuddly. Therefore women have two X chromosomes, and guys have a soft “C” plus the previously known “X” and “Y” chromosomes. Think of what that explains ! CXY with a soft “C”. Just say it out loud. Soft “C” “X” “Y”. SEXY. Constant sexiness is part of the burden nature placed on our shoulders…and other parts. It’s always on our minds because it’s literally in our genes. We have to deal with it. That poor guy Ed who went to see Alice probably had a soft “C” and that must have had something to do with why Alice wasn’t interested in sitting in the same bath tub with him !  And you women wonder why guys have the problems we do. You women would have problems too if you had a soft “C” “X” “Y”…a ”sexy”… built into the very fabric of your being. How can we be blamed for following behavioral patterns that were forced on us by our very chromosomes ? 

Dick’s Details Quiz. (All answers are in the current podcast.

1- Why do we say George Washington left big shoes to fill ?

2- How does Canada’s legislature protect against the agony of de-feet?”

3- Why should we move Congress to Waterbury Vermont ? 

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind. 

I try hard to understand life. Big Louie might or might not be right about our sexy chromosomes and testosterone, But some things about testosterone are easy to understand. It’s what makes guys want to play with the tv channel changer, and fly an airplane, and sometimes it makes us go on the prowl. Especially when a love affair goes bad. The only time worse than the end of a love affair is the time just before it. Because it’s no good to go swimming, or to a show, or climb a mountain, or…just live your life…alone. 

“On The Prowl” is one of the stories in the lovin touch Personal Audio CD. It’s in the current podcast. If you like it, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just and check out the lovin touch icon on the home page. 

Looking back at it, I hope Ed works things out with Alice. And that other guy figures out where he’s supposed to smear his testosterone. And most of all, I hope you understand Big Louie’s explanation for why guys must have that new soft “C” chromosome, and how when you put it together with men’s previously known “X &Y” chromosomes, soft C (like an S)-X & Y spells sexy. Because what little I know about life is that it works one tear, one splinter, one meal, one love, and especially one laugh at a time. And I’ve found that trying to solve all the problems in your life without that one laugh can be like trying to carry too many eggs at one time.



Saturday, April 19th, 2014

To find the answers to these three questions, go to

1-   What’s an instant way to make a man cry like a baby?

2-   What was the connection between ladies corsets and warships in World War 2?

3-   What late finding has the leaders of the Woman’s Movement cheering?


Friday, April 18th, 2014

In the current podcast, among other things, we’ve been discussing what people really mean when they say, “Have a nice day.” I’ve given you some examples of what you might like to say in return, like “Thank you but I have other plans.” But Proud Podcast Person Carole beats that. She says, “I’ll have whatever kind of day I damned well please.”


Thursday, April 17th, 2014

“Have a nice day” isn’t nice. It sucks. The real meaning of “Have a nice day” is in the current podcast at . I have found the perfect answer to “Have a nice day.” I tell people who say that to me,  “Thanks but I have other plans.” What do you say ?


Wednesday, April 16th, 2014

I the current podcast, I have tried to explain why “Fine”…isn’t. It’s a woman thing. On the other hand, I will try to explain why guys do what we do in this Sunday’s podcast. It’ll be called Testosterone Terror. If you are a guy, or you know a guy, or you have a guy, or you wish you had a guy, or you have too many guys, please grab this Sunday’s podcast at


Tuesday, April 15th, 2014

Testosterone is a controlled substance. You need a doctor’s prescription to get it. Does that mean every man who doesn’t have a doctor’s note is in trouble ? This and other pressing problems are discussed in agonizing detail on the Good Night Podcast.


Monday, April 14th, 2014

Some of the comments you’ve posted on the She’s So Fine blog are excellent. Suggest anybody reading this now, zip down and read the comments. 

She’s So Fine

Saturday, April 12th, 2014

I have been fined once too often and I’m going to sit here in my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room and complain bitterly to you about it. My Lady Wonder Wench came back from the supermarket today, looking totally exhausted and upset. I said, “Are you ok?” And she said, “I’m fine.” No. She wasn’t fine. I have seen her when she is fine, and she doesn’t look like that when she’s fine. She looks so very fine when she is fine. What is it with that “fine line.” It’s like we’ve taken the words, “Hi, how are you ? I’m fine” and turned it into one word. “HihowareyouI’mfine.” The person asking you how you are doesn’t really want to know 90% of the time, and you’re not fine 89% of the time. Why don’t we say what we really mean? Hi, what’s your problem. I feel like throwing up.

“Have a nice day”…95% of the time the person who says that to you really means “I’m through with you so go away.” “He misspoke.” No. He lied. “This is a Pre-Owned car.” That means some guy got tired of being nickel and dimed to death with this heap of junk, and I’d like to sell it to you. And I’ll never forget the great George Carlin bit about how we lose the real meaning of a statement by using fancy words. He said, “During World War One, we had a simple and exact description for people who’s emotions were shattered by the devastation of battle. We called it Shell Shock. Shell Shock was a tough, hideous, and accurately nasty description. Now, when somebody’s emotions are destroyed by war we call it by a totally meaningless, completely sanitary and oh so politically correct term. We call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  

I fly a small airplane. One of the joys of flying a plane here in the northeast corridor is that we use very clear words with air traffic control. When an ATC guy says, “No delay, immediate right turn to three six zero degrees!” that gets your attention. That happened to me the other day. So I flicked the auto pilot off… and turned that control wheel over hard… and I watched the compass spin up till we were at about 345 degrees…then I eased her the rest of the way till it said N for north…just like the man said. A moment later a big jet flashed by pretty close to where I would have been if the controller hadn’t called the turn. I flicked the mike and said “thanks.” And believe me, I meant it. Pilots around here call that a “Linda Rondstadt” because Linda had a big hit called “Blue Bayou”…as in “that jet just blew by you.” I flicked the auto pilot back on to catch my breath for a moment and I realized… I was looking at an “N word.” There’s no 360 degrees on an airplane compass. Just the letter N. It means North. That’s one of flyings more important N words.

If you are easily shocked, stop reading this right now. Because what I’m about to say will get some of you very angry with me. But I’ve got to say it. There are lots of “N words”…which means there is no such thing as “THE N word.” I hate it when Brian Williams is discussing some really serious race relations story, by saying “So and so said ‘The N word.” Some idiot long ago couldn’t spell the word “Niger”, so we got the word “nigger”… which became a word other idiots have used to describe people with brown and black skin…like Cecelia, the beautiful and priceless newest member of my family. Actually Cecelia has been watching a video of the story called Rapunzil, and she wants to be called Princess Cecelia these days. And Grandma Lady Wonder Wench enthusiastically encourages that.

Let’s get real. “The N word” doesn’t mean anything. Say what you mean. “Nigger” is a word that cuts. It’s the result of a stupid guy who couldn’t spell, it’s outrageously disrespectful, and it hurts. And that means something…it tells you something…something ugly… something that won’t go away if you stick your head in the sand. So deal with it. It hurts. The phrase “The N word” doesn’t hurt… because there IS no such thing as “THE… N WORD.” It has no real meaning.

There’s a dictionary full of “N words.” How about Nice, Nude, Naked (I like that one), Nabob, Naah, Nana, Nail, Native, Nose…etc. There is no marking on my airplane compass for 360 degrees. There’s just the letter N. It means North. When that jet was bearing down on my little plane, the controller said “turn north.” That meant something. If he had said “turn to the N word”… the only response I’d have had is…”HUH?” “Do you want me to turn naked nicely like a nabob with a nana who has long nails…naaah, that can’t be… do you want me to fly my plane up your nose?” By the time I got if figured out, I’d have been toasting marshmallows on the jet guy’s after burner.

And while we’re at it, there is no such thing as an “African American,” any more than there is a “European American.” “African American” means absolutely nothing. You African? Okay. You European? Okay. You American? Also okay. Africa is a continent. America is a continent. Europe is a continent. Three different continents.  Lots of water in between.

Let’s get a grip. When that controller called the traffic, I put both hands on that control wheel and put some muscle into that bank…fast. It happened, as they say, with “no delay.” The lesson ? Let’s cut the silly stuff that doesn’t mean anything…now. We’ve got important things to worry about in this country. Let it be the exclusive concern of our very capable American Association of Interior Decorators to worry about how and if brown, black, white, pink, yellow and red can work together…. what do you care? Get up off your black, brown white, pink, yellow or red fannies and get a grip on the things that count. And DO something about them.

Watch the news reports, including the ones from the BBC and other foreign sources so you know what other people are really saying about us…read the paper…learn what’s going on…make a note of which politicians don’t really answer the tough questions…tell your friends who they are, then vote them out of office. Raise hell on talk radio, and write e-mails to the politicians… and demand an answer from them by phone if they ignore you. Know what’s really going on…THINK.

And whatever you do, please remember this quote. It’s from Adolph Hitler…and these are his exact words: “How fortunate for those of us who rule, that the people don’t think.” SO THINK. THEN get up off your multi-colored butts and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-   What’s an instant way to make a man cry like a baby?

2-   What was the connection between ladies corsets and warships in World War 2?

3-   What late finding has the leaders of the Woman’s Movement cheering?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

While we’re talking about language that means something, a sense of humor couldn’t hurt. The thing the papers call a “near miss” is really a “near hit.” If it were a “near miss,” it would be a collision. That’s why pilots call it a “Linda Rondstadt.” As in “Blue Bayou”…as in “that jet just blew by you

A little courtesy couldn’t hurt either. The Air Traffic Control system is highly professional and absolutely courteous. Pilots and Controllers address each other as “Sir” or “Maam.” We trust each other with life and death decisions that have to be made in an instant. There’s no time to waste. But courtesy isn’t considered a waste of time. Courtesy is probably the one part of growing up that doesn’t hurt.

There’s a story about growing up in the lovin touch Personal Audio CD. It has to do with how my Lady Wonder Wench makes me feel powerful, because she lets me make her feel beautiful. That’s also how she made me get over feeling like I’m getting old, without actually having to grow up…and mature…at least not completely.  

If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just check out the lovin touch icon on the home page.

We have a number of pilots who are Proud Podcast Participants, and at least two (ex) Air Traffic Controllers. While I’m trying to be clear about things, on behalf of all of pilots and our passengers, let me take this opportunity to say “thanks” to Paul and Eric and all their brother and sister Air Traffic Controllers for looking out for us. You guys are the best.

Well…I mean Hark…I’ve had a fine time getting this off my chest and plopping it on your shoulders. And now it’s time to go and see to it that my Lady Wonder Wench really does feel….Fine. Soo Fine. I like doing that.