Dick Summer Connection

Now, here’s something that might surprise you. I’m glad George Carlin died. He had a spectacular life. I met him a couple of times when I was at WNEW, because the air staff used to mc the Shaeffer Central Park Concerts in New York…and Carlin was the star several times when I was the mc. A brilliant guy. And for all his run ins with “The Forces For Good In The Community”…Carlin was an extremely ethical guy. Here’s what he said about the death penalty: “If it’s morally wrong to kill anyone, then it’s morally wrong to kill anyone…period.” And he nailed censorship when he said, “Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.” And it wasn’t just funny when he said, “If everybody knew the truth about everybody else’s thoughts, there would be way more murders.”

Most people remember his “Al Sleet, the hippy dippy weather man.” But he did some pretty serious stuff, too. He defined broadcast obscenity better than the government ever did with his seven deadly words you can’t say on the air. But I think his biggest contribution to society… outside of the fact that he fed so well and so long our terrible hunger for real humor…was his bit about God. I don’t remember the exact wording… But it went something like this: “God is an invisible old man with a long grey beard. He made you and he loves you. You can’t see him. He lives in heaven, and you can’t see heaven either. But God has these ten commandments, and if you break any of them, he will throw you into hell fires where you will burn in agony for all eternity…because he loves you.”

It was hugely funny the way Carlin told it. But it was also a one paragraph grad school course in theology. Carlin…like all the great comedians…made us think. Thinking was the price he made us pay for the fun of laughing at his bits. One of his albums is called Occupation Foole… with an e on the end of the word. The title comes from the fact that the medieval kings usually had a court jester…for entertainment. But more than one jester lost his head in the process of being funny…literally. That could happen when you jabbed too sharp a stick into the conscience of the king.

Carlin had a very pointy stick. And he jabbed it regularly. And he paid for it. Like his hero Lenny Bruce, and many others before him.

Carlin was the naughty kid who made the class laugh with quick bits behind the teacher’s back. He stirred his philosophy into his material carefully. That very serious look at life that he had… always came with lots of laughs…which made his pointy stick easy to remember.

But one comment of his that far too few people remember went like this: “Given the right reasons, and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life.” His wife was the light of his life. She was his manager for a while, and his lover and his companion…the light of his life…they walked hand in hand always.

She died a while ago. And when she did, the naughty kid in Carlin went with her…to wherever we go…when we go. What was left of him stood around here doing stand up that became more and more dark, and bitter, and old. But that little kid inside George, who used to cut up in class, was gone.

That’s why I said I’m glad he finally died. George had a trip to take. He was desperate to find that little kid inside…the one who went away with the light of his life. I understand. Life must get awfully dark…when the light of your life is gone.

Dick’s details quiz. All answers are in the current podcast at www.DickSummer.com .1- How come birds bomb our cars so accurately?

I’m changing the title of that first cut from “My Buddy Billy’s Babe” to “A Quiet Man’s Woman.” It’s a story about a friend of mine who was a New York City Police Homicide Detective. Billy had the kind of sense of humor that cops, and firefighters, and some pilots, develop… because they have to. Sometimes a quick laugh can stiff arm the panic.

Billy called me one night while I was doing a music show at WNBC, and he started describing the apartment he was standing in as he was working on a really brutal murder case. Evidently…there were body parts and blood everywhere. His description was getting pretty graphic. And I finally said something about “If you don’t mind all that blood, you should have paid attention to your mommy and become a doctor…why are you calling me about this?” He said, “The radio is on here…and it must have been on while the murder was going on…and guess who they were listening to…YOU.”

That was Billy. The bad guys got him shortly after that. And I got to thinking what it must have been like for his wife…night after night…wondering if he was going to come home. And finally…one night…he didn’t. My Lady Wonder Wench and I really miss him. Some time I’ll tell you about the time he commandeered a New York City Police chopper to get us to a charity softball game my team “The Cheaters” were playing. Meantime…think about Billy when you read about some cop who’s patience blows up while he’s dead tired, worried about his wife and kids, and trying to deal with another bad guy in the middle of the night. And think about him when you listen to the first cut on the new album.

I got several new cuts set this week. And I put cut two up at the beginning of this week’s podcast. It’s called “The Piano Man.” It’s a lot different from the cut about Billy. It’s based loosely on a call I got in the middle of the night while I was on the air at WNEW…from a guy who played piano in one of the Manhattan piano bars. He wanted me to play a dedication for a lady he wasn’t planning on seeing again. The song he wanted me to play is called “I’ll Never Forget You.”

I don’t remember his name. But he told me he had just decided he wasn’t going to follow her around anymore. I don’t remember his name…or hers. And I don’t know what happened to them. But I think about them sometimes. Maybe one of them will see this blog…or hear the Piano Man cut from the new album…and drop me an email to dick at dick summer dot com. Don’t laugh…stranger things have happened…when I was on the air…in the middle of all those nights.

Dick’s Details Quiz – All the answers are in the current podcast at www.DickSummer.com

1- If I had painted the Mona Lisa, what would I have given her instead of that smile?

2- How old was that piece of Irish cheese they said was still edible when they dug it up in 1987?

3- The first official heart transplant took place in a hospital in 1969. When and where did the first un-official heart transplant take place?

Scoring:

3- right – Platinum album

2- right – Gold record

1- right – #20 with a bullet

0- right – A three hour long recording of your buddy’s kid’s garage band

I still have a lot of work to do to get Night Connections 2 ready for you. And I can still change some things. So I’d appreciate any comments you’d like to make about the cuts on this week and last week’s podcasts. Please send them to Dick@DickSummer.com

Thanks.

Speaking of the “wiggles,” I’ve finally gotten my wiggler in gear, and I’m starting work on a new album…”Night Connections 2.” The probable first cut on the new album is at the beginning of the current PodCast at www.dicksummer.com . The first cut is always the most important one on the album. So I’d sure appreciate any input you’d like to give me on “My Buddy Billy’s Babe.” (Email is Dick@DickSummer.com  )

Some of the stories in the Night Connections albums are based on phone calls that came in to me in the middle of the night at WNBC, WNEW, and WBZ radio. And some of them are fantasies that I’ve had over the years about what people are doing in the middle of the night. I like to fly my small plane at night…sometimes with my Lady Wonder Wench, and sometimes by myself. When the weather is clear and the sky is calm…you look down at the lights in the houses, and it’s easy to imagine the things that the people in there are doing…loving, and hating, and crying, and laughing, earning and losing their self respect, and sexing, and praying, and taking care of babies, and taking each other’s lives.

I’ve always loved being on the air at night. The audience is smaller… most people are watching tv. But the people who are listening are really paying attention. We’re like a football team in a huddle. Night time radio wasn’t just background noise…in those days. I guess I’ve always liked the night. Midtown Manhattan midnights…the moon shining on the tops of low clouds…the dark that’s so absolute that you can’t even see your own feet at 3am in the country.

“Strange faces look out of the night.” I’ve never been afraid of strange faces. I’ve seen the gentlest eyes behind some of the nastiest snarls…and felt some of the coldest calculation in the prettiest smiles. That’s fascinating…the good in the ugly and the bad in the beautiful…you can see it most clearly in the moonlight.

And so it starts again. Night Connections 2. Those of you who have written, or spoken, or performed in public, know the pain of the birthing process… putting your feelings, and your thoughts, and your happiness-es out for others to see/feel/judge. The happiness-es are the hardest. We humans have told each other too many feel good lies for way too long. “I’m from the government and I’m here to help you.” “The Lord will provide.” “The check is in the mail.” And sometimes… worst of all…”I love you.”

It had to start again. The “Maybe-s” are piling up inside, and I’ve got to get them out. I’m a happy guy. Mostly. And I’m usually an honest guy. Remember “Big Louie’s” equation for honesty: Truth + Maybe = Honesty. That “Maybe” is always the hardest part. Most people think it’s some kind of indecision. It’s the opposite. It’s a firm enough belief in your own truth that you can welcome the excitement of the feeling …that your truth may be even bigger than you think. Because the things you feel are always bigger than the things you think.

Don’t mean to get weird on you. Just want to give you a ticket to ride along on my Maybe Trip with me…if you feel like it.

Dick’s Details Quiz – All the answers are in the current PodCast at www.dicksummer.com

1- What do you call a para-dog who’s chute doesn’t open?

2- How often do you probably blink per minute?

3- What’s the most useless word in the English language?

Scoring:

3 right – “Midnight at the Oasis”

2 right – “At the Midnight Hour”

1 right – “Midnight”

0 right – “Sunshine Superman”

My Email is Dick@DickSummer.com  Would love to hear from you.

My Lady Wonder Wench walked into my life as if my life were a castle and she was the queen who always belonged there. It has been lots of laughs and love and tears…for a lot of years. She’s beautiful, and sexy, and courageous…hell, she even flies with me in my little airplane… she’s smart…she knows the answers before I know the questions…she scratches my back in exactly the right places, she feeds me home made potato salad with lots of onions, and she always seems to know when to say yes, when to say no, and when to say whoopie. But sometimes she doesn’t seem to know when to say I’m sorry. And this time I’m not going to say it for her.

One of the things I like about doing this blog is that I get to remind my fellow members of the Louie-Louie Generation about some of the honest teachings of Big Louie, his own bad self. For example…”The best things in life aren’t things”…and, “Just because you haven’t had to make out in a car for awhile…your sex drive doesn’t have to get stuck in park. ” Lots of folks have a problem with that one. But it’s true.

So it’s honesty time. Remember the formula please…T + M = H. Truth plus Maybe equals Honesty. My Lady Wonder Wench and I have been together for decades, but almost every time she walks into the room she sets off my body’s fire sprinkler system. Almost every time. And when the system fails…I’ve found that the best way to fix it is with some laughs. Big Louie knows that too. He says, if you don’t laugh at yourself, your girlfriend/boyfriend gets the job. I’d rather do it myself… thank you very much. Well…I haven’t been up for any giggles and she’s missed her cue this time.

Men are descended from apes. But I don’t think women are. Leave a guy alone long enough and he gets ugly, hairy and nasty. Women don’t. Where did we get women?

Dick’s Details Quiz…all answers are in the current PodCast at www.DickSummer.com

1- What’s the item that’s most difficult to flush down your toilet?

2- Why do kids laugh 27 times as often as adults?

3- What’s a leading cause of space whiplash?

Scoring:

3- Right – Lifetime Lover

2- Right – Lover

1- Right – Confused Lover

0- Right – Left Lover

I get the feeling that I could be declared legally stupid for sitting out here in my chair while my Lady is sleeping in the bedroom. But if I go in there right now, I know I won’t be able to keep from kissing her. Kisses are like tears. You can’t stop the real ones. What’s that line from the Neil Diamond song…something about pride is the number one cause for the decline in the number of husbands and wives.

I didn’t marry my Lady just because I knew I could live with her. I married her because I knew I couldn’t live without her. We speak the same language, but sometimes it seems we use different dictionaries.

That’s dumb…isn’t it.

E-mail – Dick@DickSummer.com 

Some things an experienced Louie-Louie Generation guy should be able to do…things like spotting a B.S. artist…check for his shifty eyes and stuff… or jump starting a car without blowing anything up, or building a good fire in a fireplace…but sometimes even worldly, tough, tattooed, sophisticated Louie-Louie guys can’t seem to avoid blubbering internally when we have to go to the dentist.

Dr. Drillgrinder, my dentist, will proudly tell you he uses all the latest tools and techniques. Today, he pounded the head of one tool that’s about the size of a golf club between my back teeth, slapped a lead blanket over me, pointed a nuclear death ray machine at my head…and says, “Tell me if it hurts.” Then he gave me that little professional chuckle…and ran into his little lead lined closet down the hall where he has hidden his receptionist, Ms. Thongwearer… a couple of cold beers… and a remote control zap button. He slammed

the door shut…and the machine made a noise that sounds like the kind of beep a satellite makes to alert the guys in Houston that it’s dropping out of orbit and heading directly for New York City.

A few minutes later, he came back into the room with some pictures that look vaguely like some old black and white out-of-focus stag films…and he said…”This doesn’t look good. This doesn’t look good at all. We’ll have to dig out all those fillings, yank out the pins in your root canals, and scrape that nasty looking green stuff off your molar nerves. Be sure to tell me if it hurts.”

Even Big Louie…his own bad self, has a problem going to the dentist… and NOBODY is as tough as Big Louie. When he was a little kid, Louie grew up in a neighborhood so tough the squirrels all wore little ski masks. The ice cream man came around in an armored truck. His parish church choir was into punk rock. But we follow Louie’s advice because he has class. All his tatoos are spelled correctly…he wears contact sun glasses…he goes to the kind of restaurant where the alphabet soup is in old English script…and he gives great advice. He says, “Hey…if you don’t want to sweat dentists but your teeth are getting yellow? Wear a brown shirt.”

So, why do we go to dentists…really. Oral hygiene may be a truthful answer, but it’s not necessarily an honest answer. Don’t forget Big Louie’s definition of honesty…T + M = H. (Truth plus Maybe equals Honesty.) Oral hygiene may be the truth part, but there’s a whole lot of maybe involved. If oral hygiene were the whole answer, why is there a picture on the wall of Dr. Drillgrinder’s office of a drop dead gorgeous girl with a smile that looks a little like a piano keyboard in heat. I think we are dealing here with a certain level of lovely lust.

Louie-Louie Generation guys were brought up at a time when we pretended we really didn’t care how we looked. It was not manly to preen. So we sneaked preens. Some ladies claim they actually like to rub their fingers over a bald guy’s scalp, but the same principle doesn’t hold true with gums. Ladies like a smile with teeth in it. So those of us who like ladies…put up with dentists.

Louie-Louie Generation guys do a lot of things to interest ladies. That’s part of our charm, our sophistication, our magnetic personalities. We pay attention to women’s interests and desires… which is one of the main reasons we are the bed mates of choice for porn stars, beauty queens, and gorgeous women of all ages.

And one of women’s biggest interests is talking. Talking is not something most guys are good at. It’s hard for us. But Louie-Louie Generation guys have an advantage over the pimple people. We’ve seen more, which means we have more stories to tell. Ladies like stories. “Once upon a time there was a princess…who was almost as beautiful as you…and she kissed a frog at midnight…and it turned into a prince…who had a fancy car…and brought her hundreds of shoes.”

Actually, ladies like romance novels. Like Love’s Forbidden Flame… “There’s no safety for a woman like Layne, not when a strong, reckless, savage man aroused in her a passion that made her body his plaything…not when desire and dread, and searing shame come together in a shattering climax of conflict and vengeance.”

Words…and stories… can get a woman thinking about black lace and French perfume, and I like that. But even Louie-Louie Generation guys sometimes forget the power of language…or it gets to be too much of an effort to slip some gentle words into their lady’s eager ear. What a waste. Some pimple people guys grab one story that works for them, and they just keep repeating it till their lady get’s bored.

My lady Wonder Wench dated one of those one-line guys before she met me. He said, “What’s your sign?” once too often…and she held up her middle finger. Pimple people guys figure it’s easier to find another girl than to make up another story. Which is one of the reasons that smart Louie- Louie guys…with lots of stories…raise a lot of ladies’ interest… and eyebrows …and temperatures.

Dick’s Details Quiz…All answers are available on the current PodCast at www.DickSummer.com

1- What did the Pentagon do with $50,000 worth of Viagra?

2- What do 57% of women like better than sex?

3- What do sly, fun loving Americans do on New Year’s Eve?

Scoring:

3- Right – Dentist.

2- Right – Dracula.

1- Right – Bag Pipe Player.

0- Right – Guy who scrapes chalk across the board so it squeaks.

Getting some guys to talk is like pulling teeth. They’re good at things like spotting a B.S. artist, or jump starting a car, or building a good fire in a fireplace…but they can’t or won’t…just talk to a woman. And I’ve got to admit…sometimes it works out anyway. Big Louie…his own bad self, has an explanation for that. He says…”Some guys only get a smart women because opposites attract.”

By the way, my Lady Wonder Wench wrote the book I was talking about…Love’s Forbidden Flame. That’s the truth. She really likes stories. So I make up the kind that make her giggle, and smile, and cry. I especially like the giggles.

E-mail – Dick@DickSummer.com