The Whistle Missile

In our constant struggle to save the world, stop the sky from falling, and keep Victoria’s Secret from falling into the wrong hands…the ones with cold fingertips, the Big Louie Department of Defense and Fooling Around has decided that we have run out of options. It’s time to target the tear mongers. We are about to launch our ultimate un-doomsday weapon…our “Whistle Missile.”

 The decision to launch was made while I was sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room, kicking back after a long day, and I almost dropped off to sleep. Have you ever noticed that in the process of dropping…off to sleep I mean… the little guy who lives behind your eyelids starts a slide show going for you? That just happened to me. And the first picture that came up, was me…age about 6 or 7 years and I was looking up at an old woman who must have been at least 20…and she was smiling down at me and crying at the same time. I remember thinking that was kind of strange. But then I thought, “It’s a woman, and she’s old. Maybe that’s what happens when you pass teen-ager-hood.” It was around 3PM on a bright, Brooklyn, Summer day. I was wearing shorts, my first pair of real sneakers, and a Superman T shirt…and I was so, “little kid happy” that I was whistling while I was walking down the street. And the next thing I knew, that old lady said, “You sound so happy whistling like that…” then she bent down and kissed me on the forehead. And for some reason I couldn’t understand at the time…I really liked that.

 A number of years later, I figured out why I liked that, and I tried whistling around some 20 year old women, and it didn’t seem to have exactly the same effect. But it also didn’t go un-noticed, either. And depending on the tune that I was whistling, it sometimes got a nicely returned smile.

 Now, there are all kinds of whistles. If you’re a member of the Louie-Louie Generation, you remember the days of the famous “Wolf Whistle.” Contrary to popular belief, the “Wolf Whistle” sometimes worked. But you had to “Wolf Whistle” very carefully. 

 The effectiveness of the “Wolf Whistle” depended to a great extent on the kind of smile that came before and after the actual whistle. If it was a nice smile…with kind of a sense of humor about it…it usually got at least a passing smile back.

 But I have never seen the “Wolf Whistle” wedged between two leers, get anything but ignored…except once, on Manhattan’s Park Avenue…one “old” 20 something lady, wearing a tank top, very attractive shorts, and high heels… turned…gave the leer-er a direct hit look, and added a most un-lady like one finger salute.

 So… whistles work. In fact, if you whistle between smiles…a whistle is like a missile, carrying a smile warhead. And when you think about it, that’s good, because we’re certainly coming up short on smiles these days. Which figures. Because there are tear mongers all over the place, telling us that the world is coming to an end this year, the sky is about to come crashing down around our ears, and we should cover up Victoria’s Secret because it’s too cold… colder than it’s ever been. Even the mannequins in the fashionable store windows all look like they’re smelling something bad. Smiles are really getting scarce. So if you’ve got a smile to spare, Big Louie says the count down has begun. Sight right down your nose at the nearest tear monger, pucker up, and launch a “Whistle Missle” in the form of a chorus of “Louie-Louie.” Let her rip right from your lip. 

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.  

1-    What do star fish and Congressmen have in common ?

2-    What is there about a Swift that reminds me of my pilot friends ?

3-    Why should we go soak our heads ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 Sometimes…for no apparent reason…and in fact against every logical reasoning…a “Wolf Whistle” works. There’s a story about that in the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio CD. It’s called, “The Lawyer Lady And The Hunk.”And it’s in the current podcast.

 I saw her…that lawyer lady. She lost one of her high heel shoes hurrying up the steps to his apartment…and she was in such a hurry, she just went back and picked it up…she didn’t even take the time to put it back on. She just tucked in her purse, and ran over to his apartment door with one bare foot. I’ve found that things like that often happen when logic collides with hormones.

 “The Lawyer Lady And The Hunk is from the Night Conncections 2 Personal Audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections 2 icon on the home page.

 As you probably suspect, there are lots of reasons Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation is launching our intercontintal Whistle Missile at the tear mongers who are trying to spoil our fun this year. And it has to do with the little guy behind my eye lids…and that long ago “old lady” smiling and crying…looking down at the little Brooklyn kid.

 That little guy behind my eye lids is supposed to pull the proper strings to make my life go in the right direction. He’s supposed to keep control of things. But sometimes, like when he sees my Lady Wonder Wench, he forgets what he’s supposed to do… and drops all the strings…and just enjoys the view. That’s why when she wanders in here, looking all beautiful, wearing something she calls, “Something More Comfortable…” my eyebrows start flipping up and down, my ears start to wiggle, and my fingers start drumming a Lambada beat, and I really want to start dancing. That guy is supposed to keep things like that from happening, but most of the time, he just loses it.

 And I guess whoever was in charge of keeping things under control behind that twenty something year old lady’s eyes all those years ago must have quit on her to…she lost control…and a couple of smiles popped out…right in the middle of her tears.

 And after all these years, I still love the picture I keep in my head of her looking down at that little six year old kid…who was whistling and smiling…just because he was so “little kid happy” in that long ago Brooklyn sunshine.

 And…sometimes…when that little guy who’s supposed to steer my life in the proper direction…starts that slide show going in my head as I’m dropping off to sleep, I can still feel that kiss.

One Response to “The Whistle Missile”

  1. Carole says:

    Dick, I KNOW the world won’t end in 2012 because Martin McFly visited 2015 in “Back to the Future”!!!!!