The Whack Attack

You are about to experience a whack attack. You know people who are having a hard time…people who are obviously uncomfortable. They always say, ”I’m all out of whack.”  So let me tell you that tonight, I am very definitely IN Whack. What’s left of my Louie-Louie Generation body has just about conquered a beastly bug, and I am feeling remarkably lifelike.

I’m sitting here in my big, black, comfortable leather pappa chair in my living room, which really helps make me comfortable in my fanny and in my feelings. When things get out of whack for me, sitting in it always helps me get back into whack…where I belong.  

Most people are out of whack way too often. They’re not comfortable in their fannies and their feelings. Even some of my fellow Louie-Louie Generation guys who should know better get their shorts all knotted up. They get jealous of the young guys. They think the young guys all live lives involving large hot tubs full of naked Victoria’s Secret models. Ha. According to Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation, the fact is that the typical evening of excitement for Pimple People guys is watching the third re-run of the scores on ESPN, while eating the last few kernels of popcorn from the bag they just brought home from the movies.

And it figures. Because most of those Pimple People guys cannot simultaneously look at a woman and think. So they pay more attention to their sports teams than they do to their girlfriends. The girlfriend may be a James Bond girl, who walks around with a gentle giggle, parting the air like a knife, in high heels, sunglasses, and a tiny thong bikini under a transparent black lace blouse…long up swept glistening brunette hair held in place by a pin with real diamonds…beautiful, smart, attentive, and faithful…but her pimple people boyfriend shows more interest in HIS TEAM. It’s like he figures she has limited value because there’s no way she could help the team make the playoffs, even if she bulks up during the off season.

And it’s that way all over the world…not just here. Guys in some parts of the world take soccer so seriously that they kill each other over it…which I feel is excessive… especially for regular season games.

I think a good part of the appeal of sports teams come from a guy’s natural territorial instincts. My favorite team is the New York Mets. And mainly, that’s because I’m a New York guy. Of course, different male creatures have different ways of expressing their territorial instincts. Male dogs pee to mark their territory. Maybe that’s why they howl at the moon. They know they’ll never get up high enough to pee on it. Our government is mostly guys. And they mark their territory too…as our representatives. Only instead of peeing on other countries, they send them money. Or they bomb them. Sometimes we do both at the same time. That’s certainly what I’d call being very far out of whack.

Women aren’t like that. They are wonderfully different. Guys like me invented blogs and podcasts because we have a deep seated need to complain and we love jokes. We even make up joke names for our private parts. Women don’t even admit they have private parts. They just refer to some mysterious place called, “Down there.”

I think women figure they don’t need jokes. All they have to do is look at us… pretending we have everything under control. We always have to look like we have things under control. That’s why guys don’t ask for directions. As in, “I know exactly where I am, and where I’m going. We’ll begin to see familiar streets any time now.”

We’re that way even before we’re born. That’s why it takes a zillion sperm cells, each zooming around in different directions, and every one of them is absolutely certain it’s the one that knows where it’s going to locate a female egg…despite the fact that all they would have to do is stop and think…and look. Because the egg…relatively speaking is about the size of the Empire State Building. That’s life. Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-     What’s a good way to provoke violent behavior late in a guy’s life ?

2-     Where’ a safe place to hide from the Pimple People ?

3-     What physical change takes place in many 7-11 customers ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

There’s a nasty example of a guy who’s life got knocked out of whack in the new Night Connections 3 personal audio cd, and in the current podcast. It’s called, “It’s Not Your Fault.” How can you not see something like that coming? Serious question. I know for sure that some of you have been through a surprise like that. How can you miss the signs…there must be some signs. It’s Not Your Fault is from the new Night Connections 3 personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections 3 icon on the home page.

My Lady Wonder Wench just gently giggled her way into the living room, wearing her two piece outfit. Her bedroom slippers. If…she would just giggle her way over here to my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair, she could turn this into one of those evenings when life is absolutely…positively… completely in whack… right where it belongs.

3 Responses to “The Whack Attack”

  1. Rick says:

    A Mets fan, eh? Are you from south of the Throgs Neck Bridge? I’ve found that the bridge is something like the Mason-Dixon Line for Yankee and Mets fans.

    I’m from Westchester (north of the TNB) so I’m Yankees through-and-through. However, I’ll pull for the Mets (Hey, I’m still a New Yorker) unless they’re playing the Yanks, and especially if they’re playing the Red Sox.

  2. jeff s says:

    Sometimes “whack attacks” can be more interesting than fun

  3. Betsy says:

    I heard that the Mets this year are a metaphor for what’s going on in the rest of the country. I take it they are out of whack? Go Rockies! 🙂