The Jiggle Giggle

I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room, watching my Lady Wonder Wench giggle. I like watching her giggle. The reason for her giggle is the fact that I may never again be able to get up from my big, comfortable black leather poppa chair…because I’ve had my first real work out at the gym since we moved here…which was a long time ago. Actually all I did was swim in their 25 meter long pool. I did 8 laps…200 meters. And I now have a real appreciation for the difference between a yard and a meter. A meter is approximately 6 miles longer than a yard.

 I need to put this in context for you. I was, in my “yout”…which is the Brooklyn word meaning young person…the chief lifeguard at Coney Island’s Section 6. I was…at that time…I was…I believe the term is…ripped. There were days when I had paperwork to do in the lifeguard shack, but I felt that it was my duty to go for a stroll along the beach because I looked so good. That was then. This is now. I realized yesterday that I have spent a little too much time in my poppa chair…because when I went to stand up and tighten my belt…for an agonizing few seconds…I couldn’t find it. And when I did tighten it, I felt like I was all of a sudden two inches taller.

 This is a fairly recent development. Actually…it started with having a knee replacement a year or so ago. It was because I figured I was in enough pain from the operation that I didn’t need to add to it by doing my pushups and my bike ride. The pain has receded, but I’ve gotten very used to my new exercise routine, which is every morning when I wake up, I go up, down, up, down, up, down…now the other eyelid. When you are a member of the Louie-Louie Generation as I am, following that kind of an exercise routine for any length of time is what eventually makes you distinctly visible on the pictures from Google earth.

 It gets harder to keep yourself in shape when you’re a Senior Louie-Louie lad. If you go to a doctor, he’ll scare the tendons off you by saying things like, “Call me if when you’re exercising you notice you’re lapsing into a lengthy coma or anything. And be sure you drink lots of water.” Doctors seem to think that humans were invented by water as a means of moving from one place to another.

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

 1-    What part of the human anatomy expands to twelve times it’s relaxed size when directly stimulated. (No, your first guess is wrong.)

2-     In what important department do cats beat dudes ?

3-     What are most wives/girlfriends slipping into their purses as we speak ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 It used to be that if you wanted to show off your muscles, you flexed your biceps. That’s changed. Now a six pack of abs is the price of admission to hunk-hood. That makes no sense to me. I mean, how important are abs…really. I mean, except for keeping your intestines from falling in your lap, what do you do with them.

And I am not questioning the importance of abs because I don’t have any. I have abs. Actually…I have an ab. One. I found it while I was in the shower one night. I ran right out into the living room to show my Lady Wonder Wench, and she said, “That’s wonderful dear.” But she said it in that voice that means as soon as I leave the room, she’s going to call our daughter Kris, and giggle with her about it.

 As I recall, Superman didn’t have noticeable abs. And he could fly without an airplane. He just stuck his arms out in front and said, “Up, up, and awayyyyy.” I always wondered why he flew in that position. I think it was just to impress Lois Lane. I mean how impressed would she be if he just flew in a sitting position like an airline passenger, reading a magazine and eating a bag of really small pretzels.

 And that brings to mind another interesting question. It’s about the stealth bomber. The plane is invisible to enemy radar. That means the enemy guy is looking at his radar and his report must go something like, “I don’t see any airplane, but there are these two guys in a sitting position at 40,000 feet, traveling south east at 600 miles per hour.” I get weird pictures like that in my head when I’m this exhausted. Going to the gym can do strange things to you. There’s a story about that in the Night Connections Personal Audio cd. It’s called The Workout Woman.

 I often wonder about the guy involved in that story. How did he spend his night? I don’t know if he was married…but if so, did he call his wife? If he did, what did he do to get the sound of the Workout Woman’s laugh and the smell of her sweat out of his voice ? Going to the gym can do strange things to your life…and the lives of the people you love.

 “The Workout Woman” is from the Night Connections Personal Audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections icon on the home page.

 And so it was, that today…I swam 200 meters. That’s about all I could do. I used to swim two miles three times a week. Maybe if I swim backwards tomorrow I’ll have more energy instead of just getting so pooped. I’ve got to get back into some shape that isn’t round…or I’ll get stuck in my poppa chair.

 But I’m not going on one of those diets that are so strict you can only burp from memory. I also don’t want to start wearing my stomach ankle length, and start tripping over my chin. More important, I hear George Clooney is on the loose again, and I don’t want my Lady Wonder Wench to start reading over our wedding license, looking for loopholes. Actually, I like the way my Lady Wonder Wench giggles.

 She jiggles when she giggles.

2 Responses to “The Jiggle Giggle”

  1. Tom Preston says:

    To remind you of our mutual childhood super heroes, those two guys at 40,000 feet in an invisible plane must have borrowed it from Wonder Woman.

  2. jeff says:

    Start exercising gradually. Add one or two laps every week. Join a gym or get some free weights for home. It’s never too late.