The Funny Phone Fella

I just re-recorded the outgoing message on our phone machine. Louie-Louie Generation guys like to think of ourselves as funny phone fellows. Our prostate challenged partners sometimes call us other names. They simply do not understand why we love weird outgoing phone machine messages. Most Louie-Louie ladies are perfectly content to use the pre recorded message that came with the machine…or they just say “You’ve reached the Smith residence. Please leave your name and phone number and we’ll get back to you as soon as we can.” We, on the other hand, savor the opportunity. We have somebody by the ear, and they can’t get away until we hit our punch line. This is our version of Jay Leno’s monologue.

 The short ones are the best. The one I just recorded says, “Hi. This is Dick. Please leave a message as soon as possible, and I’ll get back to you at the sound of the beep.” That replaced one that was too confusing I guess. It said… “Bridge. Kirk here. Beep me up Scotty.” You’ve got to be careful of doing something too confusing. I had one that said, Hi. Dick’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to my door with one of those little magnets.” That got too many hang ups. The one before that was, Hi, this is Dick. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.” I called myself a couple of times to hear that one, because it started all kinds of strange pictures in my head.

 Almost everybody has an answering machine these days. And be honest… don’t you take advantage of that. Don’t you sometimes call a guy you’re really not anxious to talk to at the moment, and hope you get his answering machine? That’s soul satisfying. You’ve upheld your part of the staying in touch bargain without having to go through the agony of a lot of blah, blah, blah. Guys don’t like a lot of blah, blah, blah. And after all…it’s not your fault the guy wasn’t there. The best time to do that is when you know he probably wont be around. Like when he’s usually at work. But don’t do that between midnight and dawn…local time. The only time anybody’s phone should ring in the middle of the night, is when it’s a wrong number.

 Have you noticed that when somebody does call while you’re asleep, you never admit you’ve been sleeping. You catch yourself saying things like, “No…you didn’t disturb me. Three AM…really?…I didn’t notice. I was just kneeling in silent prayer, reading the bible.” But the worst time for the phone to ring is while you and your significant other are…relating with eachother …significantly…and just as the earth is about to move, the phone rings. And it’s usually a recorded message trying to get you to vote for some idiot you never heard of, a spectacular, once in a lifetime vinyl siding offer, or your chance to win an all expenses paid cruise to Antarctica.

 I’ve never understood why some guys really do stop moving the earth to answer a phone call. Any phone call. That has to be like going from highway speed right into reverse. I mean doesn’t that sprain something semi vital? And  your relationship is in really big trouble if you’re in the middle of relating with your significant other, and all of a sudden you find yourself seriously considering making an outgoing call.

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1- Why to some of our presidents seem to be mooning Canada ?

2- What’ confusing about your schnoz ?

3- Why do some people wear mittens and socks to bed ?

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 There’s a story about a call left on an answering machine in the personal audio CD called Love Comes When You Least Expect It. It’s in the current podcast. This call…isn’t funny.

It’s about a couple who really cared about each other. So they worked hard on their relationship. They worked so hard on their relationship that after a while, their relationship was just all work. Then one day, when she least expected it, he met someone at work…and a new romance…exploded…and blew all that hard work away.

 If you like, “The Answering Machine,”, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Love Comes When You Least Expect It icon on the home page.

 I like being the funny phone fella. “Hello, this is you know who. We are you know where. Leave your you know what you know when.” “Next on your Classical Request radio, we’ll hear the music of Johan Sebastian Beep.” “Twinkle Twinkle little star, bet you’re wondering where we are? Well put your mouth up to the phone and leave a message for when we get home.”

 Betcha if Jay Leno recorded some of these, you’d laugh…a little… maybe.

One Response to “The Funny Phone Fella”

  1. aliasJean Fox says:

    I have a real good one for ya, Dick —– and it’s LONG too! And in mock German to boot! Got a few minutes?