I almost got thrown out of the hardware store today. Well…maybe they weren’t going to actually throw me out, but…it was…kinda nasty. Here’s what happened. I went in to buy some paint…I was planning on painting my back deck bright Wonder Wench Blue. My Lady Wonder Wench has lots of pretty parts, but her bright blue eyes are really something. When she’s smiling… you know how that first warm day of spring feels…you go out of your house without a jacket for the first time…the sun is actually warm on your skin…that’s how her eyes make you feel. So I went down to the hardware store and I found the guy behind the paint counter, and told him I want the toughest paint he had because I’m painting my deck.
Well… that obviously struck a professional nerve. He drew himself up to his full height…which looked like about 5 foot 4 inches in his lifts, and he said, “Sir, we don’t paint our decks. We stain them.” And he said it in the kind of sneering voice a waiter in an expensive restaurant uses to explain to you that it’s white wine…not red wine…with fish.
I said “you may not paint your deck, but I paint mine. I want some bright blue paint for my back deck.” He said, “we don’t have deck paint”…and gave me a kind of smug smile. He was one of those guys who looks roughly like a cold virus magnified a zillion times. He had hair growing out of a couple of tears in his uniform shirt, and he looked like if he stuck his fingers into his ears, they’d touch. But I was on his turf, and I wasn’t looking for a fight…so I said “ok, give me some very tough blue paint…for my back porch.” He gave me a look like …the expression you saw on the face of that guy doing the financial report on the evening news the day the stock market lost 700 points. He knew I had him. Big Louie, his own bad self…the chief mustard cutter of the Louie- Louie Generation would have been so proud of me. Without losing my cool I gave the paint guy a severe case of what I like to call rectal cranial inversion.
If you’re new to this blog, let me explain about Big Louie and the Louie-Louie Generation. If you often find yourself humming Louie-Louie…and you are sincerely looking forward to a disorderly, vigorous, and disreputable old age…welcome to The Louie-Louie Generation. Big Louie…his own bad self…is our chief mustard cutter. You know that imaginary friend we had when we were kids…Well that’s Big Louie…only now he’s all grown up…just like us. Louie doesn’t preach, but he has wise sayings…like, “Sex for money often costs less money than sex for love.” He’s always reminding us that you can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to do it with a straight face.”
“You don’t paint a deck.” That puny paint pusher was the kind of guy…I’ll bet his mother had morning sickness AFTER he was born. It’s my deck, and I’ll paint it if I want. And besides that.. since when did a back porch become a deck? It’s a porch. And I was determined to paint it Wonder Wench Blue…in honor of my Lady’s remarkable blue eyes.
I think we all have at least one remarkable body part. I have remarkable ears. I can wiggle them…one at a time. Some guys can run a four minute mile…I can wiggle one ear at a time. Same thing. My most TREACHEROUS body part is my left eyebrow. It reacts like certain viagral body parts when my Lady Wonder Wench strolls into the room wearing an outfit she calls “something more comfortable.” When she strolls in wearing something even more comfortable, I lose control of both eybrows. It’s really embarrassing. I think that’s the biggest difference between me and Harrison Ford. Harrison and I have a lot in common. We both really like ladies…and flying airplanes. But Harrison has much better control of his eyebrows. Well he does in most of his movies. But if you watch closely in 6 days 7 nights…when he’s helping Anne Heche with that snake in her shorts…his eyebrows almost knock his hat off. It’s not easy being a guy…let me tell you…even if you’re Harrison Ford.
Dick’s Details Quiz…all answers are in the current podcast at www.dicksummer.com  1- Where did we really get the saying, “Throw another shrimp on the Barbie?”
2- What don’t some Australian women do for a whole year after their husbands die ?
3- What do you get when you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy ?
Scoring:
3 right – Hardware Store Owner
2 right – Hardware store manager.
1 right – Hardware store key cutter.
0 right – Hardware store paint person.
I know this is kind of a silly blog. That’s because I’m feeling kind of silly…and very good right now. My Lady Wonder Wench is slowly but surely getting over a very serious accident…and she was able to stand up and take a shower for the first time today. It was my great pleasure to help. It was a good feeling…so to speak. Besides creating testosterone high tides wherever she goes, Lady Wonder Wench…a long time ago…signed up for a life with me, and four of my kids. That was a pretty generous thing for a beautiful young woman to do. But it’s not an unusual thing. Women are generous that way. But I got to thinking…how about men ? What do you guys think about becoming involved with a woman who has kids? I’m really interested…and I’d appreciate it if you’d drop me an email. My email address is dick@dicksummer.com .
There’s a story in the new Night Connections 2 album about a guy who’s taking a chance by dating a woman with kids. It’s called MS. Long Hair. If you get a chance, click here and give it a listen.
I have a weird head. Those of you who have seen my picture will certainly understand that. And the stuff that goes on inside it is just as weird as my eyebrows. I’m always thinking things like, “This milk bottle says it’s 2 percent milk. What’s the rest of the stuff in there?”
I guess that’s why I wanted to paint my back porch Wonder Wench Blue…like her soft, warm, beautiful eyes…they remind me of the first warm day of spring. See…we get a reasonable amount of snow around here in the winter…and when I’m out there shoveling all that frozen snow and ice…I know that Wonder Wench blue will show up…and spring won’t seem so far away.
Yes I say plus kid. You see, first you have to decide just how important she is to your sanity. That tells you weather or not you can open your heart to all the hits it will take from this child when you have to tell them “No†or worry when they are sick or out “god knows where†/ with whom.
It’s a package deal you have to let them both into your heart from day one. It isn’t “I love her†so much It will make up for all the times the child lashes out with “you’re not my dad just the guy my mom sleeps with†and it will hurt.
Only if you love them both can you withstand the often casual cruelty children inflect those first years. Its love / caring for both of them that lets you stand aside as your love and your hoped for son or daughter turn to the former spouse / father for family connections. You can handle this and more because you took them both into your heart.
So one day if you listen you’ll notice that your love talks about “OUR†grandchildren and your daughter casually refers to you as “MY DADâ€. They may even notice the moist eyes or the odd little smile, but I suspect only another step-dad will ever feel how the heart swells, the head spins, and the world grows a little brighter.
Is it worth taking the risk? I think so, but then I’m crazy and in love these past 20 years with my two women.