The Dick Summer Connection – March 23, 2008

A dinner invitation came pouring in today, from an old friend I haven’t seen in a long time. Funny how a long time can happen so fast. Doug and his wife Charlene are the kind of friends who like to discuss things that are really important…like what do women really want…and what would it take for men to give up the tv remote. In case you’re wondering, we came to the conclusion that the thing women really want most is Hagen Das ice cream that has only 25 calories…per gallon. And men would gladly give the tv remote to Debbie from Dallas.

Doug and I got banished from the radio at about the same time, and we both fly little airplanes, so we have plenty of things to talk about. For example, if Bill Gates goes flying, should his wallet have to be classified as carry on luggage? And what would chairs look like if our legs bent the other way? And how come they always have somebody demonstrating stuff in the housewares dept. of the store, but never in the lingerie department? Charlene and W.Wench seem to have plenty of things to talk about, too. Things like, what are they going to do about their biggest problems? For example, Doug and me.

This is a dinner invitation. So you should know that my Lady Wonder Wench often tries to help me evolve a bit further up the food chain, by encouraging me to be more careful of my table manners. She does that, for example… by embedding the toe of her pointy toed high heel shoes three inches into my leg under the table if I take monster bites. I can’t help taking monster bites. I get hungry.

I tell her in some cultures it’s considered impolite if you don’t belch during a meal. I tell her the words of Big Louie his own bad self…”Tis better to burp and bear the shame, than not to burp and bear the pain.” She is not impressed. She also takes exception if I talk with my mouth full. She always says I should be more communicative … and then she asks me a question…I’ve got half a hamburger in my mouth…what am I supposed to do? I’ll tell you what I do. I move my legs out of the way real fast.

But the thing that really gets her is when I pick my teeth. Food gets stuck in there. It’s uncomfortable. She raises her eyebrow when I do that… and she gets quiet. I hate that. Raising an eyebrow on purpose is different from when somebody really sexy walks past and your limbic system goes into warp drive… and you lose control of your eyebrows. That happens to me all the time. Can’t help that. But raising one eyebrow… slowly…and then getting quiet…that’s like the ultimate sarcastic comment…a sarcastic comment so eloquent that it doesn’t need words. It is the sarcasm equivalent of a raised center finger. Wonder Wench works in slowly raised eyebrows the way other artists work in oil or marble.

I think she should cut me some slack. She always says, “Your friend Charles has such nice manners.” Of course he does. He drinks expensive wine. You chugalug that stuff and you’re broke in five minutes.

I could be worse. I see guys wearing baseball caps backwards in restaurants. That’s not only impolite, it looks really stupid. I don’t do that. I see guys wolfing down their food with their chins on their plates, making noises like the intake end of a 747 engine. I’ll betcha there are guys out there who probably drink their milk right out of the cow. And don’t forget the kind of guy who’s always experimenting to see how many beers he can pour in before they start pouring out…and he’s never made eye contact with a date, because breasts don’t have eyes. So…I could be worse.

We were at our favorite diner Thursday. It’s run by a very cultured guy by the name of Alex. He was a lawyer in Egypt before he came here to become an American citizen. Like any good restaurant owner, he is always roaming around the place to see to it that his customers are happy. He was visiting with my Lady Wonder Wench and me, and all of a sudden he gave a little cringe as he was watching the salad bar.

I looked over to see what was up, just in time to see this big guy who looked like a member of the two fisted booger brigade, in a stained sweat shirt and torn jeans…with a bowl of soup in one hand and a salad dish in the other… and he wanted an apple. So he just reached down and grabbed one with his mouth. Now get the picture, please. This guy was a real porker…about the size of your average zip code… and he’s walking back to his table with an apple stuck in his mouth.

As a guy literally oozing manners, I would have been much more subtle. I would have tucked the apple discretely into my arm pit and nobody would have noticed.

Dick’s Details Quiz – All answers are available in the current PodCast at

1- How were some citizens of Beatrice, Nebraska surprised by their toilets?

2- What kind of famous silicone has been spotted near Hollywood?

3- Why do more people bite their fingernails than bite their toe nails?


3 – right – You’re regularly invited to tea at the White House.

2 – right – You’re regularly invited to a really good restaurant.

1- right – You’re regularly invited to a really good diner.

0 – right – Dumpster diving again.

Speaking of manners, you know what’s really hard…when you’re going into a restaurant where the outside door opens into a little space, and there’s another door leading into the restaurant. I can never figure out how to open the first door for Wonder Wench, let her go in first, and then reach around to open the second door, too. Any ideas on how to do that would be greatly appreciated. Please send E-mails to .

Taking a love affair or a long time friendship for granted is a terrible mistake. My Lady Wonder Wench and I are really looking forward to seeing our old friends Doug and Charlene again Saturday. Such a long time seemed to happen… so fast.









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