The Dick Summer Connection – August 31, 2008

My Lady Wonder Wench is up to some of her old tricks again. That’s one way I can tell she’s feeling a little better. One of her favorite tricks is hiding my glasses. And today, she found the perfect place to hide them. Right on my face. You might say Huh? But…no…it’s perfect. How am I going to find my glasses when I’m wearing them?Lady Wonder Wench has been my girl for a long time. I don’t even know what my opening line was with her. I don’t think I had one. We worked at the same radio station in Boston. I was thinking that I’d have absolutely no idea of what I could use for an opening line for some other girl if Lady Wonder Wench finally realized that no matter how nicely she kissed me, I wasn’t going to turn into a prince…and she took off with that George Clooney. So I ran some ideas past her a few weeks ago. When she heard most of them, she just looked at me and said Huh ?

“Huh” is an interesting word that was invented “once upon a time, many years ago”, when a beautiful princess kissed a frog, and turned him into a handsome prince. Now it doesn’t say so in the book, but if you’re a Louie Louie Generation parent you’ve heard some pretty fancy stories from your own kids, so you will understand that when the princess’ mother showed up in the morning and found this strange guy in the bedroom with her, and the girl explained about how he’s a magic prince and he just… “popped out after she kissed a frog”…I’m willing to bet that “Huh” might have been only the first thing her Mom said…don’t you think ?

I tried lots of opening lines on Lady Wonder Wench in this experiment. “I may not be a genie, but I can make your dreams come true.” “I’m not really this tall, I’m sitting on my wallet…my dear” (“My dear” always sounds so deliciously sleazy to me.) “Hi.. I’m Mr. Right, and somebody said you were looking for me.” I tried lots of lines, but only one worked.

It’s hard for a guy to come up with an opening line that’s good enough to get a kiss from a pretty girl, let alone an invitation to her bedroom …even at a singles bar. But think about that frog. He did it. He must have skipped right past the what’s your sign stuff, and he came up with a real winner. I’ll bet he sprayed a little fly breath mint into his mouth, hopped right up into the girl’s lap, looked her in the eye, and seductively said… “ribbit.” Next time you’re in a singles bar, I’ll bet you will get any girl’s attention if you pop a fly breath mint, jump in her lap, look her in the eye and seductively say “ribbit.”

I’ve heard worse opening lines. “Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.” (Double yuech)” Poof…I’m here. Not what are your other two wishes.” At least that’s a little clever…but you’re really leaving yourself open for some nasty come backs with that one.

My Lady Wonder Wench has a great sense of humor, and she plays tricks on me all the time. But every once in a while, she makes something I really don’t understand happen…and I know it’s not a trick at all. There’s a difference between a trick and magic. A trick is an illusion, and magic is.. real. A trick you have to first see it to believe. Magic you have to believe it first to see it.

My Lady Wonder Wench believes in magic. And she’s got me beginning to believe too. I think women are better believers in magic than we are. I guess it’s one of the big differences between men and women. “Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie – Louie Generation” explains the difference between boys and girls this way: He says “A father’s seed combines with a mother’s egg, and a new little life begins and grows for 9 months. It grows and grows. And finally, a new, beautiful, sensitive, emotional, intuitive, brilliant human being is born.

Either that, or it’s a boy.”

Why is that? Why is it that it was mostly guys who got to the moon, but we sometimes forget to put the bowling ball down before we scratch our heads. Here’s another big ” huh?” How come we spend hours waxing our cars because we’re very proud of them, but then we forget where we put them in the parking lot at the mall?… And even in the summer, when we dress up, we put on a tie. Huh ? How smart is that ? We start our day by putting a noose around our necks. Even in the middle of the summer. Old ladies are scraping their Corgis up off the sidewalks with spatulas it’s so hot. You put on your right guard and it sizzles. Everybody looks skinny and wiggly in the heat waves zooming off the sidewalk…and we’re showing how smart, masculine, and stylish we are by wearing a jacket…with a noose tied around our necks. “Huh ?”

We go to college and they teach us answers. They should teach us to ask more questions. They should teach us the “huh?” response. But they don’t. You can tell that the tv political consultants and campaign experts all went to college by the way they talk. They never say huh ? They say stuff like, “The latest polls show that especially in the red states, more and more people are finding fulfillment by returning to traditional values.” One good huh response and they’d come up with what’s really happening. It’s summertime so it’s hot, especially in most red states in the south and west…which is why people are returning to traditional values…like very cold beer.

My Lady Wonder Wench was seriously injured a while ago. So I’m very glad to tell you that she’s up to her old tricks again…like hiding my glasses while I’m wearing them. But there’s something more basic than tricks she’s got going on with me right now. Something a lot more real. Last night she said “How come you still love me ?” I said, “huh?” She said, it’s been a long time, and I’m not so young any more.”

I almost got whiplash from the “huh?” that hit me with that one. I guess because even after all this time, it’s like the princess and the frog. I wasn’t really some kind of frog, but the very first time I kissed my Lady Wonder Wench, I changed into something better than whatever I was just the moment before.

Something more real.

It got me thinking. When I first met her, I couldn’t help loving her because I wanted her. And now…that’s changed. Now I want her… because I love her.” That’s about as real as it gets.

Dick’s Details Quiz (All the answers are in the current podcast at www.dicksummer.com )

1- How come the President never gets any mail ?

2- What’s the sexiest thing to watch for on Monday Night Football?

3- Why are leopards no good at playing hide and seek ?

Scoring:

3 right – George Clooney either envies you or wants you.

2 right – George Clooney used to either envy you or want you.

1 right – George Clooney is busy at the moment. But please leave your name and number because your call is important to us.

0 right – George Clooney has issued a court order requiring that you keep at least ten miles away at all times.

As you’ll see if you scroll down a little, we’ve started a new daily blog feature at dicksummer dot com called “Dick-etts”…as in little things from Dick. Some serious stuff has been happening with my Lady Wonder Wench these days, and I’ve been using the Dick=etts to keep you pretty much up to date with what’s going on. I want to thank a lot of you…from all over the world…for your prayers, positive energy and your genuine…real concern. It’s been tough…but she’s worth it.

Oh yeah…the only line that actually worked with her was…”how would you like a flight in my little airplane?”

Ever since that first time I kissed my Lady Wonder Wench, I haven’t once felt the need to find my glasses, pop a fly breath mint, jump into some other girl’s lap, look into her eyes & seductively say…that magic word…that ultimate opening line…ribbit.

One Response to “The Dick Summer Connection – August 31, 2008”

  1. lisa says:

    you blew me away with this one.
    Hope LWW keeps up with her tricks, to keep ya on your toes!!!

    LWW – to you I say I am so glad your back to your tricks on the Louie Louie of your life,

    hugs to ya both